For ten years, I have been primary caregiver for my husband who has Alzheimer's. At the encourage-ment of our doctor and other family members, I have finally reached the decision to place him in an assisted living facility for ALZ patients, using false pre-tenses to get him there. He'd never go voluntarily! As with a parent traveling with children, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping your children. Save yourself or you're no good to anyone else!

I'm not sure if anyone is looking at the 'big picture'. Not asking for help- any/all you can get- seems to be everyone's answer. That is what it is there for!! Get help for your loved ones and for yourself. Ask! Go to local and state agencies. Ask if your church can help. It may be possible for someone to come in and sit with your family member(s) while you take a break. Even if it is just for an hour or two. You'll be surprised how it helps. Take advantage of any/all the help you can possibly get. Don't let yourself burn out. And don't let the anger get the best of you. When your loved one is gone you will regret it. Take the time NOW to talk about what is bothering you. Even if they don't recognize/acknowledge what you are saying it will feel great to just put it out there.

I also care for both my parents, dad with Alzheimer's, mom post-stroke and very possibly early stage Alzheimer's. Mom has always been hyper-critical, self-centered while viewing herself as the ultimate giver, and never at fault for anything. It's so important that you recognize what you're feeling, and acknowledge its validity. Do see a counsellor. I was already doing so when I started caring for them full-time since I have been dealing with chronic depression most of my adult life, and she is at once a ready reality check for my own condition and a source of information for some of what I have to deal with with the folks. My laptop has become a lifeline as well, to both current and old friends, and sites like this one which I've just begun to discover.

Based on their ages, your parents are children of the depression, and may be very fearful of what that time was like if their parents struggled to get through it. My mom cries poor all the time too, and although the recent financial upheavals have hurt their savings, they are comfortably off. Do you or some other member of the family have power of attorney to handle finances? That's really important, so that you don't have to go over all the day to day expenses with them--the less of that you have to deal with, the less stress, for you and for them. My brother handles the finances while I take care of matters "on the ground", shopping, providing them with expense money for hair care and such, taking them out to eat sometimes... Finally, is your caregiving a transition to some other situation--assisted living, a nursing home--or are you there without an end in sight? Your "stress-hardiness" (what my counsellor calls it) will be significantly improved if you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's a good way off at the moment. Best of luck--I love the Hebrew word shalom--it's usually translated peace, but the concept also incorporates health, well-being, everything good--and I wish you all that too.

As a caregiver who experiences burnout regularly, I agree with the experts who say you need to put yourself first. You need to operate from a place of inner calm to deal with the stresses of caregiving. When you operate from a place of exhaustion, you can't make good decisions for yourself or others. Find ways of filling yourself with good energy. What makes you happy? Do it.

I have to agree with "falling through the cracks". My husband had his first heart attack 12 years ago and things for him have gone downhill since. He has had 2 more heart attacks, insertiion of bipolar pacemaker, cardiac oblation for sustained atrial fibrillation, ruptured diverticuli with a colostomy, pulmonary hypertension, insulin dependent diabetes, obeseitiy, COPD, and numerous other complications. He has become bedbound in the last year, becoming very forget which makes him more depressed and angry. I have childhood onset seizure disorder which is under control but prevents me from driving. We live in a rural area with no public transportation. Our only child is married and she moved
1 1/2 hour drive from home. My husband is 100% VA disabled however the nearest VA hospital with facilities to care for his multiple problems is 2 hours away. I am an LPN and have fallen twice in the last year fracturing my left and then my right ankle while caring for him. I am 57 years old and because of 2 injuries in one year lost my nursing job after 31 years at the same hospital. There is very little help out there unless I go on MA which no one in my family has done and I am trying not to be first. I try to get to all local and federal community activities where I can voice my issues hoping someone will realize we are part of the population out there who don't want a hand out just information on what is avalable to us so we don't become a burden to our families or the society.

I agree with several answers. Set limits with your parents and say this is what I can and will do. This may push your dad into getting outside care-giving. Sit down with a LCSW or attorney specializing in elder care and don't feel bad about your desire to restrain your parents and their manipulative statements to you. YOU set your limits and INFORM your dad. He takes it from there and they are his choices and your choices are obviously yours. Understand that your dad worked for all that he has and won't let go of it until limited by you. Give a reasonable schedule of help you can offer and take time for YOU! No one else will take care of you except you. We expect you to do that. To do otherwise is just foolish in my opinion and others will think just weakness in setting boundaries and limits. Be happy he can afford his own care.

To everyone here at caring.com I want to urge you all to contact legislators and the NCOA and tell your stories. Options for the elderly need improvement and not anyone here seems to mention the sadness seen in nursing facilities across the nation. As many as three to four elderly people in one room, a bed and a nightstand per client and w/o private bath.

Many elderly are merely handicapped and cannot do daily chores and qualify for skilled nursing facilities and yet, we are not providing private rooms and baths in these homes. I would like to see a massive movement in public funding away from nursing facilities and into private in-home care. Nursing homes as permanent dwellings are not the answer. If we don't do this now we will face the same futures as our parents are facing and our children will as well as caregivers. Contact NCOA immediately and tell your story. I think it is urgent.

I told my mother I would try to change things. I am following through as well as I can.

My situation is different, but, similar. My hubby has schizophrenia, emphysema, ETOH issues, & other health issues. There isn't much support when we're in our 40's, though, if he were in a group home....you know! I also work in a locked crisis mental hl. facility. I see all sides of this stuff. It seems "they" want you either totally on "the system" or "off" if you're in between & asking for a bit of help....forget it! SAD! At least there are sites like this. & yes, my anger got severe! I'm usually very independent, & only ask for help when it's severe! Well, I asked for help & got no-where. I had to have him get his own place. He's still not getting help he should be. It seems I'm the only one he can actually count on! I'm going to move in next door. An "odd-couple" but, seems best answer! This is how folks slip through the cracks. I'm disgusted with the care. These people are alone.

Chances are you have issues stemming from your youth. Not having faced these issues before you became the major caregiver can be sooooo stressful. Please get counseling. Dealing with a lifetime of anger at your parents doesn't get fixed over night but putting some of those issues to rest can be life and spirit saving. You have a chance now to be able to at least talk with them about it. Do it before they are gone.

God bless you and I hope you find peace. Look for a support group and counseling. That is what I am looking for. Keep the faith, you are not alone.

This answer is for Spockula: Complaining doesn't help. Talking DOES. It seems as if you think things will change just by your compaining about it. Unfortunately, that is not the answer. When you discuss what is wrong/bothering you- try doing it in a way that lets others know you are open to suggestions/help. Make it known that you are ASKING for help and will consider any information you can get.

Jorcna. Somehow you seem to think I'm just complaining....I'm NOT! I've gone about this in every way possible for 10 yrs. & I'm also a Mental Health Professional! The system just isn't equipped for dealing w/ Schizophrenia/emphysema, etc. if the person is living in community & has supports! There isn't much support for the family. They want the person either totally on the system, or totally off! It's bad. We've accepted all the help possible. We've finally had to separate, & now rent a duplex. Still, he's not gettin' the needed services. A sad reality. You don't know what you're talkin' about. I've taken every "angle" possible. I have done all the things you've mentioned. I've asked for help, & yes, considered all/any info. I do this for a living for Pete's sake!

Jorcna, I'm not known for being a complainer! Not sure why you think this?! I'm a problem solver, & take action when necessary. I've been through a lot in life, as we all have. I've talked for 10 yrs.! Believe me! I've explained things in every way possible! Men, especially those with Schizophrenia do not think the same way most women do. I've/we've had all kinds of input from all types of folks! I'm a bit insulted!

We've asked for & rec'd help, though, not enough. I've talked for 10 yrs. He just doesn't get it! Yes, "venting", trying to explain, & lettin' him/others know how I feel, &/or why I'm upset/burnt out.....It doesn't help if things don't change! I, finally, had to take some action to care for myself! System still failing & needs to be looked at. This, probably not happenin' the way it should be. Our living situation has helped me. Hubby okay. We're workin' w/ what we've got! He'll never understand "my side"...but, our relationship is better, & I'm still there for him, as well as caring for myself, too!

Thank you, anonymous! He's smokin' cigs, again....& drinking, too. SAD