How to transition a parent with vascular dementia and serious conspiracy delusions to an assisted living facility from independent housing. My mom of 75 years of age has had a decline in both cognitive thinking and memory and is easily confused. Her doctors have recommended moving her. i do have living power of attorney. I want the best for her and for her to enjoy the balance of her life in a safe place. She is reluctant, accusatory and the conspiracy stories are rampant. I am afraid that I am going to have to force her to move but am looking for any advice on how or what to do... any ideas or experiences that someone could share for insight?
stressed out in seattle-
Expert Answer by Mary Koffend
Moving someone with dementia is difficult, but often necessary for their health and well-being. There are some excellent dementia specific assisted living facilities where the staff is trained to work with persons with dementia. The activities and generally the layout for the facilities are focused on the needs and behaviors of persons with dementia.
Begin your planning by reviewing the options. Contact the Alzheimer’s Association for a listing of the facilities and also ask them how to access the quality data from the appropriate state agency that licenses the facilities. After doing your homework, contact the facilities and schedule a tour. It is good to compare a couple of facilities and weigh factors like stability of the staff, training, and your overall evaluation of the facility for your parent’s specific needs.
If you want assistance in expediting the process, you can use the services of a geriatric care manager who is knowledgeable about the facilities.. To search for a geriatric care manager by state, visit the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers at: www.caremanager.org..
After you have determined one or two options, consider taking your parent for lunch at the facility. Just invite your parent to go to lunch with you and then go to the facility. Don’t give her time to find lots of reasons not to go. Taking another person with you so that your parent is more likely to enjoy the event is also a good idea. The dementia facilities are obviously used in dealing with the behaviors you described and can assist with a plan. You can also use the doctor’s recommendation as well as ammunition for the need to move.
This process may not be easy for you. Remember that your parent selected you as the power of attorney to make good decisions for her. Remember that she has dementia and much of her response to issues is really the dementia speaking for her. Remember that using logic in this situation may not be an option. Have the courage to make the right decision for your parent and the tenacity to see it through.
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Mary Koffend's advise is excellent. Having managed a dementia-specific assisted living community I would reinforce the importance of acknowledging the mother's feelings. She is confused and thus frightened about what is happening to her and since she can't trust herself, she can't trust anyone else. As Koffend said, logic doesn't work but recognizing her fear and conveying that you are their to support her can be helpful and comforting. Hopefully, if the staff at a place being considered is well trained, they will be validating these feelings and family supporting them will provide reassurance during her adjustment and stay.
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It is not an easy thing to do. However, my mother chose a continuing care facility for her golden years. The administrator immediately placed her on the waiting list for a more structured area "when that time came". She stayed in a free-standing apartment, where she could cook, etc. for several years, but finally it was time for more assisted intervention. It wasn't easy for me to tell her that she had to move, but it was the best decision. When she got there she had some of her own furniture. When I became the girl in the picture, I started labeling all the pictures. She received help with her mediciations. She was enjoying herself. Since I lived out of state, I had to trust the administrator. I called frequently both to my mother, and the administrator. I trusted her care to another as I had no choice. Her cousin could visit her as well as other friends. You also said your mother was too young. I encourage you to listen to the expert answer. It is a good one!
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