My Dad has Alzheimer's, is extremely forgetful, has lost a lot of weight because he won't eat. Argues about taking his meds, a bath, and doesn't clean up after his small dog, he misses the toilet and soils his shorts sometimes. He hasn't driven for awhile and his wife, my Mom, is in a nice nursing home that I have tried to convince him to go into and be with Mom because I feel that I am totally lacking in the ability to continue to care for him.
He lives in a senior apartment complex, and I check in by phone once or twice a day and go by every evening or at noon or both if he is having a really bad time. He has fallen several times, but insists he is okay to be alone. He says if he goes to the nursing home he has to give up his car.
I am really struggling with how to take him to the home without declaring him incompetent. I have told him it's to help him get better, not a place to go die, although it probably will be. I am angry and sad and don't know what to do. My sisters can't help, one is ill and dying with cancer and the other lives too far away to be of help.
I have no time for myself or my son and his family. Need suggestions. I have tried a cleaning service but he didn't like strangers in his place. He refuses to eat the mobile meals etc. Feeling overwhelmed!
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I, too, am facing the same situation in that my father needs additional care. We recently moved him to an assisted living dementia unit. He is not adjusting and just this past weekend he had declined so significantly that we took him to the ER. It turned out that he was over medicated. He is now in the hospital and we realize that the situation must play out and we now need to lean on the resources they will be providing us (i.e. social worker, discharge plan, etc.) You asked the million dollar question because I am learning the following things through experiencing this terrible disease:
1. In relating to a person with dementia, always remember not to fall into the trap of trying to rationalize with the person regarding complex decisions. This is counter-intuitive but I try to remember my goal is to keep him calm. I tell myself that in these instances, I am having a relationship with a disease and not my father when things get difficult.
2. Does your father go and visit his wife at this point? Is it possible that he could start going to the nursing home for regular visits with his wife? This way he would establish a routine of being in that environment which might help with the eventual transition.
3. It is good that he doesn't drive anymore. Why can't the car go with him to the nursing home? It sounds like it is parked outside where he lives so why can't it be parked at the nursing home? Just be sure he doesn't have access to the keys.
4. I try to remember that behavior can be driven by fear and need. When your Dad becomes hurtful, try remembering this, "Hurt people hurt people."
5. Don't feel guilty. You sound like a very caring person doing the very best they can!! I am amazed at everything you are doing for your dad plus still working and trying to be part of your son's life.
6. If it helps, use the framework of "Is my father safe in his environment?" It sounds like he is no longer safe in that you mention falling. Once you answer this question, allow that to be your motivation as you move forward in the care for your father. Remember, he is losing his ability to rationalize so try and avoid that pitfall. Redirect, redirect, redirect when your father is irrational. Continue to plant seeds like, "I'm glad mom doesn't have to worry about steps anymore. I used to worry all the time that she would fall and that would have been a bad situation." "You know Dad, you are so important to me and right now the most important thing is your safety and happiness."
6. There are no easy answers. Hang in there -- lean on the experts -- remember to take a breather for yourself -- and absolutely no blaming of yourself during this very difficult time with your father. I have a feeling you will figure this out.
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LaurenK, thanks so much for your reply, I'm sorry I haven't responded before now. I appreciate your suggestions and am trying so hard to be positive about this situation. Dad has been talking about going to the nursing home to stay. We met with the assetment lady today, things were going well until she asked Dad if he was willing to go to the nursing home. He immediately said No, so end of discussion. I wish she would have said something like, would you like to go today or next week and lead him. But she gave him a choice. I know it will be hard, but I feel like I am up against a wall. Thanks for listening!
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