My mother is having an increasing number of mobility issues, and my father is her primary caregiver. My sister wants them to go into an assisted living facility immediately, because she thinks the burden is getting to be too much for my dad. My parents have no interest in moving, and my dad says he likes taking care of my mother. I feel the decision is up to them. Still, my sister is angry with them for refusing to consider it -- and furious at me for not backing her up. Am I right or is she -- and is there any way to resolve the issue?
Expert Answer by David Solie
The struggle between siblings over their aging parents never comes down to right or wrong. It always involves a clash of agendas that quickly degenerates into a battle of wills. In most cases, both adult children have a valid point of view about how to deal with their aging parents.
In my experience, the best place to start is by talking with your parents. What do they want? If you and your sister ignore the need for your parents to retain some element of control in their lives, you'll wind up seeing your best-laid plans vaporize as one good idea after another is rejected.
Does this mean that you're right in this case? Yes and no. Yes, in that you understand how important the issue of control is for your parents. At the same time, your sister has a point when she argues that your parents may not be able to "age in place" indefinitely. Your family needs a backup plan for the day when your parents can no longer manage on their own. The solution may not be assisted living, however. Rather, it may be extensive in-home services, if that's what your parents prefer and can afford.
I recommend that in a quiet moment when your parents aren't there, you let your sister know that you want to be her ally in taking care of your parents as they age. Make sure she understands that while you think they're OK for now, you share her concern about their long-term living situation. Suggest that you both sit down with your parents and encourage them to develop a backup plan. Remember that your parents are more likely to be receptive if you let them take the lead in the decision-making process. Your whole family will feel better if you have a backup plan in place -- which should make your family-get-togethers a lot more enjoyable.
Answer
First and most important. Are your parents able to care and pay for all their needs without help or money from you and your siblings? If they are you and your siblings have no right to get involved without being asked and from what I read of your comment, it seems like you and your siblings are trying to make choices for your parents without being asked. It is their right to do as they please if they are capable in mind and money/etc. Try visually to put your self in their place and remember you will be old one day if you live and have children would you want them to do this to you?
Answer
Sometimes, siblings are able to engage in this type of conversation, sharing concerns and agreeing to work together with their adult parents. A family meeting may actually work when the group sits down together to honestly address their thoughts.
Other times, siblings (and their parents) may have difficulty having this type of discussion without a facilitator. Elder mediators have the skills to help the siblings find common ground, and to assist the family to develop a workable plan. As neutrals, elder mediators create an environment that provides everyone an opportunity to talk (and to listen!) Creative solutions may result that wouldn't have happened otherwiseI
Other professionals may also be of assistance to help the family understand the issues and move forward appropriately, when they disagree. However, other experts typically take an advocacy role which could seem like they are taking sides. Most other professionals have other ulterior motives (i.e., a lawyer has legal issues to prepare, a counselor aims to help people have a healthy outlook, and geriatric care managers' focus is on maintaining the independence of the older adult, providing assessments, care plans and resources.) Mediation (or a facilitated conversation) works because of both neutrality that makes everyone feel heard and acknowledged and a defined process that keeps everyone "in check".
Answer
As I watched my mom care for my dad who has sinced past away. He was a diabetic who had multiple amputations of his foot and then his leg, and was becoming blind.
I watched as she struggled with bathing issues with him, in their small bath. She insisted to remain in their home.
1) I tried to find out as much as I could about their financial situation.
2) If they insist to stay in their home, plan to have adjustments made to handle their disabilities. Such as a ramp, bath rails, lighting, etc. To make their home as safe as possible. How about a life-alert alarm? Start making these adjustments early. These make nice birthday, holiday gifts. Remember it is their home.
Also, if your parents belong to a senior community center. Usually they have meals on wheels and other services available.
3) Also, have a Plan B. Consult your parent's doctor about their medical care. Then both you and your sister shop around for assisted-nursing care. Every facility is different, with different levels of care, in different depending on the type of care requirement. Plan ahead so you have an idea what is available. Should your parents require hospitalization, the hospitals kick you out so fast you don't have time to think what to do. Usually there is a case worker to help, but if you have some idea what to look for, it is only to your advantage.
Most important talk with your parents about Power of Attorney and medical advocate. Good Luck!
Was this useful? Spread the word and help others like you!