Question from Caring.com Community Member, mjmaple
How do I deal with my anger and resentment toward my older sister, who has not seen our elderly mother in three years due to "health" problems (i.e., drinking)? It has been up to me to look after Mom since my sister has lived out of state since the 1970's, but now that I could really use assistance, she, as usual, is no help at all. Advice?
Expert Answer by Connie Matthiessen
Your situation sounds really tough and I understand why you're angry. At the same time, I agree with Anonymous (below) that acceptance may be your only recourse, since you can't make your sister help if she is unwilling or unable. I also agree with Anonymous that you should do all you can to seek support and practical help for your mother elsewhere (Caring.com's directory of local resources can help you get started), rather than wating for your sister to change.
If your sister has a serious drinking problem, and it sounds like she does, than she is in the grip of her own disease, and probably wouldn't be very reliable, even if she tried to help. I'd recommend that you seek help from Al-Anon, a 12-step program for the famlies and friends of alcoholics. Al-Anon will help you come to terms with your resentment, and. by taking care of yourself, you'll be helping your sister as well.
Answer
Find out all the resources in your area that can help you with your mom and then use them. If you have more time for you, hopefully some of your resentment will be decreased.
From discussions I have had with friends about parent care, it seems that in many families one child ends up with all or most of the responsibility. It is a huge pill to swallow, but the other extreme is to have a sibling that talks the good talk but does nothing. I have had to learn to accept the responsibility and then try to do my best just for my own sake. In the end I hope that I will have little to regret when it comes the last years of my parent's life.
You can only control your own actions, you can't change someone who doesn't want to be there to help, no matter what you do. Even if your sister lived next door to your mom she may not be willing to help .
Being out of state is not really an excuse for lack of action on your sisters part. She could be doing research, paying bills, getting answers to questions, come in to give you some down time, and the list goes on and on.
My heart goes out to you as I have gone through the same feelings that you are going through. It is so hard to watch this disease process in action, deal with everything that goes along with it and then have a sister that is of no help. It is really hard to understand how your sister thinks when it comes to caring for your mom. Acceptance may be a key to your over all well being in the long run.
I really would hit the streets. telephone, churches, etc asking for advice and help. ----You may also want to read the suggestions on how to get a brother to help in care. It was a good answer for places to try.
