How do I help care for Mom from a distance?

1 answer | Last updated: Apr 04, 2011

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She remains at home and takes her own medications which amounts to about 12 pills per day. My father leaves and goes to his office while she stays at home alone. My father is 79 years old and is from the generation where the men worked and the women stayed at home. Although I know he is trying his best, I am concerned about my mother's welfare. She is not eating properly, has lost weight, is refusing to bathe or cut her hair on a regular basis. In other words, she needs help with some of her activities of daily living. My sister and I live out-of-state, and my brother is three hours away. We have asked them to move, yet they refuse. Consequently my sister and I make several trips out to see them, which can be costly and ineffective for such short periods of time. I have asked my dad about getting someone to come in and help bathe her, and he said she refuses. It sounds like her refusals are running the household. I am concerned about my father's health because the demands of taking care of someone with Alzheimer's can be great. Do you have any suggestions about how to handle this? My sister and I are very frustrated and know that the situation could be better for both my mom and dad.

An anonymous caregiver said...

Your situation sounds exactly like mine, however, mom, who has Alzheimer's worked as an RN her whole life. Dad, retired and then worked part time at a relative's funeral home. See also:
Is it common to have hallucinations with Alzheimer's?

See all 660 questions about Alzheimer's and Other Dementias He was gone from 3-10pm. We finally convinced him he needed to stop working. Mom would call us (I'm three hours away, my brothers are 5 and 12 hrs away.) and tell us she didn't know where dad was, that she was frightened and hadn't eaten. That solved that. However, mom still refuses to shower, brush her teeth, use deodorant or wear clean clothes. Before AD she showered twice a day. Dad is convinced these poor hygiene habits won't hurt her. He doesn't care that mom is offensive to others. I make certain I see them every 3-4 weeks and my brothers call every day. Sometimes mom will shower for me, other times I'm not successful. My brothers visit when they can -supplementing my visits - maybe every 2-3 months. Neither they nor I are able to convince dad to hire help. AT this point, mom would put up such a fuss if anyone was in the house -and dad would be the brunt of her wrath- that we've not pressed the issue. There will come a time when he will need closer help and I suppose he'll move then or have someone come in. We've tried to be respectful of his caregiver decisions as he needs our support and he needs to feel confident in what he does. I would press your dad to stop working, or to take your mom to a day-care center (a good one with activities). Your dad should take over her meds, too. I had to produce physical proof (too many pills left in the bottle, pills scattered about the house, etc.) that mom was not taking her meds correctly before dad saw the need to take over. I know it feels we're in helpless situations - that we can't help. But, our support is vital. Your love and desire to help shows. Ciao. jan

Was this answer helpful?

Yes

Report Abuse

Yes

Report Abuse

Ask a question Ask a question | Add an answer Add an answer

How do I help care for Mom from a distance?

Recommended for you

Also from Caring.com