I am currently caring for my husband’s grandmother in our home. I have 2o plus years as a nurse and caregiver in the geriatric and hospice fields. I have had to advocate hospice care for many . This is not easy expecially with a generation of people who have survived so many things. I honestly believe the best way to do this is lovingly. Take your mom to an area where she is comfortable. This area needs to be far enough away from your dad that she will be certian he will not hear the convesation. It seems that many believe that a paitent hearing the word "dying" gives up. It can also be hard to loose your spose because you are next in line.
When you have found such an area. Let her know some of the things you appreciate about your dad, include in these things beliefs your father shared you, things that both your parents provided. Tell your mom how much you are going to miss your dad, and how much you love him. If you find these things to be true. If not just skip to the next step. Which is factual, and often goes something like this:
"Mom, dad hasn't wanted to eat for along time now."
"I know I was thinking I would make him ____,it was always his favorite, maybe he would like that"
"Mom in order to live the body needs food, if you don't feed the body it will die."
"That is why he needs to eat, I just cann't find anything he wants to eat. I keep getting him his favorites, but he takes one bite and he is done. I don't know what to do."
"Mom dad is trying but he is tiered, I know your trying too, look you are exahausted. Mom I wish you would let us get some help. So you could be dads wife not his nurse. He needs you to be his wife now."
This often ends with the spouse crying sense they have often forgot they are a wife, or husband they have struggled so long and labored so hard to end up where they never wanted to go. They more times then not feel as though they failed, and /or feel betrayed by the spouse for failing to respond to their care. But the very sad truth is that people die, everyday, people who tryed eveything, people who do nothing, people with a positive attitude, and ones without. They die and the best we can do for them is be there hold their hand meet them where they need to go, and treat them with compasion. Ask your mom if she believes her husband would want to be the one wearing her out or the one hold her hand. Cry with your mom and cry with your brother, love eachother. This is a raw emotional time respect what each of you need and be your fathers daughter. With deep sympathy,