Does my mother have Alzheimer's or just dementia?
"Is it Alzheimer's or is it dementia?" is the most frequently asked question I've heard in more than 3 decades of advocating for this population. The best way to clarify this is to state that dementia is a symptom while Alzheimer's (AD) is a disease. Your mom clearly has signs of a definite dementia that may be AD or one of the other similar progressive neurological diseases that may be vascular in nature or related to other causes. The important question for you is 'what is causing Mom's dementia'. Once the cause is found, and certainly the MRI may help clarify this, then an appropriate time line for her care can be put in place. What are the issues that may precipitate placement outside her home or live-in attendants 24/7 or for parts of the day. The following are a sampling of issues that signal a loved one can no longer live alone - not eating, safety with appliances etc, medication mix-up, incontinence, household chores, and depression. She may have a need for increased socialization and physical activity. You and your family can get a better sense of the progression once you are more clear on the diagnosis. Perhaps one of the AD medications may be useful. Using the telephone is often difficult as dementia progresses; it may actually increase your loved one's anxiety and confusion as she tries to figure out where the voice is coming from and to whom does it belong. Rest assured that although your mom may not recognize you by name, her love for you is never lost. It is not you she struggles to remember, it is her relationship to you that is the problem. She may not recall your name and she may think of you still as a child, but she does know you belong to her - in whatever role she sees you in at the time. Relish each moment with her in the new cognitive world where she now lives.
Using the telephone is often difficult as dementia progresses; it may actually increase your loved one's anxiety and confusion as she tries to figure out where the voice is coming from and to whom does it belong. Rest assured that although your mom may not recognize you by name, her love for you is never lost. It is not you she struggles to remember, it is her relationship to you that is the problem. She may not recall your name and she may think of you still as a child, but she does know you belong to her - in whatever role she sees you in at the time. Relish each moment with her in the new cognitive world where she now lives.
Please have someone in her town monitor her driving - this could be quite a challenge as the disease (whichever it may be) progresses and her license and car need to be taken away. Be prepared for some resentment and anger when this is done. Having a willing 'scapegoat' works well - a physician or member of the police dept. or an insurance agent may be of help in focusing the anger away from a loved one. Plan ahead who will do this and when it will be done; please try not to wait for a crisis to happen.
You are a devoted and loving daughter obviously trying to do the very best for your mom who is so far away geographically and so very close to your heart. Please take care of YOU!
Thank you so much for your reply, I found it very helpful and it helped clarify some things I was unsure about. I am trying to organise to chat to the rest of my family that live close to my Mom, to make plans for her future. At the moment my two brothers are helping with giving her supper alternate evenings, but they are finding it a bind, even though it is their partners that are doing the cooking. But they have to drive to fetch her and take her home, after they have been working all day. Taking her car away is going to be a big problem, because she has cut herself off from everyone over the past 2 years, but she drives to her friend virtually everyday, that is the only contact she has with someone her own age, and that friend has another lady they are both friends with, and they all get together. This best friend of hers does not like driving, so she won't visit my Mom. So without a car, she would be on her own, all day, everyday, except when one of my brothers fetch her for supper. My brothers are not keen on taking her in to stay with them, because of the stress it will put on them, and say they don't have the time to drive her around. But I don't think she is ready for a home, we are going to put her name down for a care home, but in the interum, don't know what to do. Normally I would take care of her, but have been living in Belgium for many years. My Mom is aware something is going on, because she has been asking me regularly of late, when am I coming to live back in SA? I feel terrible if my Mom has to live the last of her years in a strange place, with strangers, and probably my brothers not visiting that much.I have tried to find a way that I can bring her over to Belgium, but have been told, that the law has just been changed, and we can't have family members come live with us, a 3 month visa stay is all that can be done. I think even if I bring her over for 3 months, so that we can spend quality time together before its too late, I feel might be too unsettling for her at this stage. Especially to take her back home after 3 months, and she might not be able to settle and forget a lot of things of home. This is what happened after she went to Cape Town for 10 days, this year in February,she came home and was very confused about so many things, and it improved a little some months later, but it comes and goes. What do you think I should do ??
Your instinct is probably quite right. Research does show that geographic moves can have a negative effect on an AD person. Keeping mom in familiar surroundings may be best for her even though being away from her is emotionally draining for you. Be well jkc
