Why am I taking my brother's death harder than the rest of the family?

Every person's response to a loss is as unique as an individual thumbprint. For example, grief comes crashing down on some folks right after the person dies while for others, See also:
Am I entitled to property from my brother's estate if both of my parents are alive?

See all 106 questions about Grief and Loss it might be two weeks, two months, two years later, or even never, before they have an acute reaction of grief.

If you happen to be one of a number of siblings grieving your brother, it is not unusual for each of you to react differently, depending on such factors as:

• how close you were in age, or birth order
• how much time you spent sharing a household together
• how much time you spent together in your childhood or adulthood
• how much affinity you had with one another as siblings, and
• how much conflict you went through together, be it with each other or in the family.

If you are having a particularly hard time with the loss of your brother, please feel no pressure to do your grieving process like others in your family. If there is pressure on you, whether subtle or overt, to grieve this loss less intensely, you may need to go outside of your family system for support or counsel. For help with this, check out The Compassionate Friends, particularly the link for Sibling Resources.

If you are looking for a book specifically addressing sibling loss, know that the search engines in most bookstores are sophisticated enough to find books tailored to your needs if you type in "sibling loss" in the Find/Search box.

A sibling loss support group, if available in your community, might be very soothing at this time. Or you could consider seeking one-on-one support from a psychotherapist or pastoral counselor.

Above all, do your best to allow your feelings to surface despite what others are doing or not doing with their grief.

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I'm so sorry to hear that. My little brother died 4 weeks ago very young I know how you're feeling. I spent some time at his grave side when I couldn't deal & prayed about it & felt more peaceful afterwards. Everyone is different so I don't know what will help one person won't help the next person.

Was he younger than you?

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no he was 23 and i am 21 we were very close in age how old was your bro?

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I'm so sorry to hear about your brother I'm watching my third brother die. My third brother is younger than me and he is dyinf from lung cancer and its very difficult to deal with.

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I lost my brother 2 years ago on October 11 (2008). His name was Nick Fadal and he died at age 24 from Congestive Heart Failure. A rare virus attacked his heart when he was 22 and it took it's toll quickly. I was 20 when I watched him die in the hospital right before my eyes. He had been in ICU for an entire week on life support before the Angels toook him to Heaven. On October 4 I got the call from my mom that Nick had stopped breathing and I needed to rush to the hospital to be by his side. I hurried down to San Antonio, TX Methodist Hospital and Nick had come back! He flat lined for 28 minutes before he came back for one last goodbye. I will never forget the sight for as long as I live. He was nonresponsive and comatose. It was terrifying. I was in complete shock. My mother was not herself, she was a shell of herself. Nick actually came to for me the following day. He opened his eyes and continued to stare directly at me to make sure I knew he was there. He was! I swear I thought he was going to be just fine, regardless of all the machines and hearsay. Everyday that week I visited him right after I got out of class at Texas State University. Everyday I told him to continue the fight and how much I loved him. Everyday I was blind. Nick had that waiting room packed! So many people reached out for his sake, no one knew what the horrified outcome would be. On Saturday, October 11, 2008 Nickolas Alden Fadal passed away at approximately 5 p.m. I was the last person to see him. I got into that hopsital and begged the kidney doctor to tell me if there was any progess. There was none. I begged him to tell me if he was going to make it, he couldn't say. I finally got, "it's not looking good". Nick was not responsive. I layed by his side and finally told him he didn't have to fight any longer. "I know the Angles are here Nick, and if you have to go with them it's okay. Because you are MY angel and always will be." Still, no response. After laying with him for about an hour or so, I kissed his forehead and left the room. My boyfriend at the time and I left the hospital for Buffalo Wild Wings. We were there about fifteen minutes when mom called once again, "He's dying, go back." I have never driven faster in my life. I raced to that room and all I could see what about 6 nurses surrounding Nick. They had their paddles out,were doing CPR, and trying to revive my brother. His father, my boyfriend, and the Chaplin lady were all trying to hold me back. I fought each one off of me as I had my nose to the glass screaming, "BREATHE!!". Minutes went by, still no Nick. The resesitaion stopped and I whispered, "he's tired, he's tired." At that time I heard my mother come into the room and I rushed to Nick. I held my brother's dead body until my stepdad literally peeled me off. I was a mess. I cannot remember much after that, but that particular scene I cannot shake. I will never be able to. That day I lost my brother, my enemy, my best friend, my dad, most of all I lost my hero. The second anniversary of his death is right around the corner and I must say, it absolutely sucks. No way around it. I will always miss him. I will always wonder what could have been. I will always love him. Bubba, until we meet again, I will live for you and strive to make you proud every single day. Please wait for me...

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Thank you for your post, it was very helpful for me to read during my time of grief of my 31 year old brother. He passed away October 11, 2010 and I have been the strongest. My feelings have come to a point and I needed an outlet. So I thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me through the night!

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 24 year old brother 14 years ago .... everyone in the family coped with it differently, but I also felt that I was hit the hardest. I was 21 then.... and, including my parents (and my grandparents then, too), no one had lost a sibling. I felt really lonely in my pain, but also felt the need to be strong for my parents, as I was their only remaining child.

I'm 36 now, but the pain hasn't stopped - life goes on, but there are days that stop me in my tracks and I have to take the time to cry and reflect. I keep his memory alive in small ways - my 11 year old (who never knew him, but who is uncannily like him in so many ways ) and I bake a cake and celebrate his birthday every year - I tell her stories about him, and how much he would have loved and spoilt her. I was lucky, in that my husband and my brother were best friends, so am able to share my feelings openly with him - we spend some days recalling the funny stuff we did in school / college and that always makes me laugh. Except for my parents and us, I find that everyone else in my extended family has moved on easily - we live with it on a daily basis !! We cry, hug, laugh and remember our time with him.

• Hugs * ... and keep his memory alive !

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I'm so sorry to hear about your brother....My brother just died this morning and I am beside myself. He was 47 with stage 4 lung cancer that spread to othe parts and brain. I truly feel your pain. I dont know how I'm going to function. I was very close with him but these past few weeks he became isolated and didnt want to see me or my Mother. He didnt want us to worry and be hurt. If you find anything that can help you please pass it along. Again my condolences

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I am so sorry about your brother...I also lost my brother 2 1/2 months ago. He was 38, I am 35..We were extremely close, our father passed away with cancer when I was 10 and he was 13. I had just gotten in from work and my sister-in-law called me..she wanted to know were my mom was. I could tell something was wrong and I told her I was not sure were she was..She told me my brother had been in an accident. I thought maybe he was just hurt and at the hospital and she went on to tell me he was gone...At that VERY moment my life stopped. I feel like I can not live, can not breath, can not be happy. This has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. He drove an 18 wheeler, he was on a rural 2 lane road making a delivery loaded with lumber..A 73 year old lady came around a curve on the wrong side of the road..He had no place to go. She hit him head on and spun around and hit him in the drivers side fuel tank and the diesel exploded. She hit a rock wall and was killed instantley..My brother burnt in that diesel for almost 3 hours before they could remove his body. I saw picures online of the wreck and it haunts me..We had to have a closed casket of course but my mom insisted on going in when we made arrangments to see him. I did not want her going in alone so I went with her..They kept him covered but still it was unbearable. I can not close my eyes without seeing my brother burning..Not a second goes by that I don't thik of him. I don't answer my phone...I have as little to do with anyone that I can..I am married and have 2 teens, and I am so withdrawn. I miss him so much and just do not know what to do. He was not JUST my brother...he was my Best Friend, my father, my world...

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I just lost my 23 year old brother on August 3. I don't even know how to put into words the grief I am feeling. I am in the military so I can't just take time off of work to grieve. I have to go about my day like everything is fine so that I can get my work done. When I'm out I wanna be home and when I'm home I wanna be out. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life aside from losing my mother seven years ago to cancer. My brother was a soldier in the Army. He is my hero, my best friend, my angel and my baby brother. I know he's in Heaven waiting for me and the rest of our family but it seems like I'll never be able to smile sincerely again until I join him in Heaven. Please Lord bring me peace.

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As the holidays are now upon us, I found myself feeling pretty low so I logged online to see if I could find some relief online. I lost my 40 year old brother about 5 months ago now in a house fire. I'm 33. As many of you know if you're reading this, it's unbearable. I feel like I haven't even had the strength to grieve him yet and have more/less just tried to ignore the void and the pain associated with that void. All the memories of childhood, all the fights we had, the terrible things we said to each other, but also the good times playing sports, our hikes into the woods having no idea where we were going and not coming back until dark, his sticking up for me and believing in me. . .the list goes on and on. I guess the biggest problem I'm having is thinking about all the things I didn't do and/or didn't tell him like what a strong person he was and how proud I was of him for fighting so hard all those years. I hope we find a way to cope with this, but on this first christmas without him, my family sure seems like it will never be the same. We are all the walking dead. I guess we'll just try to lean on each other and pray to the Good Lord that he'll help us through this.

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Three weeks ago, today, I lost my 41yr old brother. I am 45. He committed suicide over something none of the rest of us knew about that he was dealing with. He was in serious legal trouble, but, too proud to come to any of us for help. I have been through quite a bit in my life, but, without question this is the absolute hardest thing I've had to go through. I have a caring wife and kids, but, they just can't understand what I'm dealing with. Rob (my brother) and I grew up very close together... biking, skateboarding, playing music, hiking, camping, sharing cars, going to school. As adults, we had opened two businesses together and emailed/talked at least a couple times a week. Everyone loved him - he had 100's of people at his memorial service. I don't know what the future holds. I can't imagine ever getting over the grief and missing him. I don't want to get over missing him, but, I suppose life must move forward. I have to move forward for my family. I'm now the only son in the family - which is a very lonely feeling. I've always felt like Rob and I could handle things for Mom and Dad as they got older, but, now he's gone. I've really come to cling to my belief of our souls being eternal. One of the laws of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. When a person "dies" here, I believe its only their earthly body that stops, but, their energy/soul separates from the body and lives in an eternal realm (religions refer to as heaven). In eternity, time has no meaning whatsoever, so I don't think my brother feels like he's "waiting" on me to get there. I think he's experiencing all kinds of awesome things now and just knows he'll show me around when I get there. This is my belief. I know this was all created by some all powerful/knowing creator. I don't think our creator would have created relationships, families and love - only for it to all be lost when someone expires here on earth. I think those things are the most important during our earthly existence, and they will be important and honored in eternity.

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Thank you all for sharing your stories. It's helped me somewhat, as I am trying to process the stages of grief over the loss of my sister. Sarah died 6 months ago, just 10 days after her 33rd birthday. She was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer in June, and within 2 months, she was gone. I am the oldest of 3 kids - 41 years old, our brother is 36 and our baby sister had just turned 33. She lived in Nevada, I am in Colorado, and Thomas lives in Virginia, so the last decade, we have been separated by miles, but we remained close by phone, email and as many visits as we could afford. Not a moment seems to go by that I am not thinking about her and wondering why HER?? She was otherwise a very healthy person: never smoked, did drugs, rarely drank. We grew up in a very strong Christian home, so her faith in God was immense. She was loved by everyone who met/knew her. It was just amazing how quickly she went from being a vibrant, energized, active mom of two boys, ages 4 & 10, to a terminal cancer patient. She was given zero chance at beating it, as it was found way too late and had spread to her lymphatic system and eventually shutting down all her organs. 2 months!! And the pain she endured.... it was excruciating. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say a few things about my precious baby sister. I'm not dealing well at all, but I'm trying to hold it together for the sake of my own children. My brother is doing the exact same thing. Not living, just existing. We loved that little girl so much, she was our baby sister and we couldn't protect her, couldn't help her, couldn't save her. Luckily, we were all able to be in Las Vegas the week she died.
He flew in with his kids, and I drove there with mine. So, we did get to all be together for the 'END', but I don't know how to move on. I worry for my brother, emotionally he's bottled everything up. It hurts so dang much not being able to help him on top of not being able to have saved our sister. Our siblings are our first friends, often times our best friends, and losing a brother or sister is like a part of yourself has died.
Hugs, love and prayers to all of you that are going thru this loss. Wherever you are in the grieving process, I pray that you find peace and comfort. I too need to find those things as well.

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My baby brother died without warning in his sleep in 2010. He was 27 and I 30. All the hardships in life we went through together, there were plenty, but as long as we could whinge to each other afterwards we could get through anything. I am the eldest sibling and have always been the 'rock.' I cant tell you how weak I feel since my baby brother was taken from me. I never realised that what made me the rock was his dependance on me. There is no one on this earth that knows me and loves me the way my brother does. Im still trying to work out how I am supposed to go on for his children and mine. How can this happen? We are meant to be each others strength when our parents die, he jumped the cue! Mum is getting more sick by the day with cancer and I feel unable to be the rock I would have been. I need my brother, I so need him. I pray that heaven is for real, I need to see my baby brother again.

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Next week will be the third year anniversary of my brothers death. I was 14 and it was one day after his 17th birthday. My parents made me go to a grief counselor, and I hated it. I dind't like talking about it with someone I didn't know. She told me that I was dealing with my grief differently, that I was in 'the stage of shock' longer than average and that I would be more depressed when I was older and it would be harder. Good one. How comforting and encouraging is that to hear at 14 years old? Not very. I'm 17 and I have realized that it is okay if I don't grieve like my parents do. Just because I don't like to cry and be sad doesn't mean that I'm not handling it. God has given me immense amount of joy, and to ignore that would be foolish. Let God fill you with comfort, peace, and joy. He wants to! He loves giving his children blessings. James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith developes perseverence." Everyone goes through struggles. You aren't the only one. Yes, it sucks at the time, but God has a plan for everything. He doesn't put you through something you can't bear. Let Him make your load lighter and easier. Don't get stuck in the 'why' phase. Asking God why he took your brother away from you is a terrible question to get stuck on. If God allowed us to see and know everything He sees and knows we would obviously know why we have lost our brothers. But God designed us to live by faith, not by sight. Trust that He is in control and that His plan is better than anything we could do. He is perfect. He is in control. He is the only one you can fully trust. He is full and perfect in every attribute. If He wasn't then He wouldn't be worthy of our worship.

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I lost my younger brother about 4 months ago. He was only 4 years younger than I and we did everything together growing up. We were very close as adults as well - worked in the same office for a few years, started a couple businesses together and e-mailed/texted a lot. His loss was sudden/unexpected - suicide. I cried every day for more than three months - literally. Only in the last couple of weeks have I been able to have periods where I can see light again. There are no magic words I can say to help - I wish there were. Brothers are special and losing one hurts - period. I hope you believe in creation, regardless of your "religion". Personally, I don't care what religion someone calls themselves... above ALL of our human/earthly man-made religions, I know there is a creator who put all of this into motion. We are souls with temporary bodies. Your brother and my brother are in a SERIOUSLY better state/being right now and are waiting until we finish our days here on earth. Its hard, without question, but just try to get through one day at a time and make your brother proud in the time you have here on earth. Our creator/God (whatever we want to label it) did not create families/love/relationships only to have them be lost forever when someone passes on from this life. I know our brothers are still there and we'll be with them again. Hang in there!

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My 45 year old brother passed away May 14, 2011. I was 43 at the time. It will be a year in less than 2 weeks. He was not married, nor did he have children of his own, so he was very present in all our lives/children's lives..."Uncle Jeff"....he was the best. He and I were both diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease when we were teenagers. He then I. We were both survivors. We also both went on to experience a variety of health problems, but he seemed to have worst luck than I. As he said, "I just can't catch a break." That was really the only negative thing he said about it. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in October 2010. For the next 8 months, we watched him fight. There was a time I really believed he might make it. This was just too much. He looked like a different person towards the end. I can't seem to get those final 24 hours out of my mind. I finished my last final exam and headed over to the hospital as he had just been admitted with what they originally said might be an ulcer. My mom and I were in the room with him when the house doc came in and thought it might be tumor related. We all knew what this meant and my brother began to have a series of panic attacks. He felt he could not breathe and was very agitated. It was almost unbearable to watch. I felt so helpless. They gave him something to relax and he eventually calmed down. I wanted to stay, but my mom told me it was okay to go home. I kissed him and told him I would call in the morning to see if he needed anything before I came back. My husband and I went for a bite to eat and to talk. I remember crying in the restaurant...tears just constantly falling, however never imagining this would be his last night, but knowing we were losing him. I don't recall the exact time, but during the night I received a call from my sister to get there asap. I told my husband to meet me there and ran out the door. I cried and screamed the whole 10 minute ride, which seemed to be an eternity. I was frantic. When I got there, my family was all there around his bed. We were able to say "good-bye" and most of all tell him how much we loved him...we held his hand, rubbed his forehead and then my mom told him it was okay to go be with our dad and just like that, he was gone. It was very peaceful and quiet and I thought I would die with him. It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life, however a gift I wouldn't trade for anything. I miss my brother EVERY SINGLE DAY! I am sad for him that he is no longer here living with the rest of us. I know this will never be okay. I can only hope that some day I can think of him and smile. I feel like I am expected to do that now....I just can't. It's been almost a year and I miss him. It's helpful to know I am not crazy and that I am not alone in how I feel. My heart goes out to all of you.

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