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Why am I taking my brother's death harder than the rest of the family?

62 answers | Last updated: Oct 10, 2014
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Q
An anonymous caregiver asked...
My brother died about two weeks ago and I think I'm taking it harder than everyone in my family. What can I do?
 

Answers
Caring.com User - Martha Clark Scala
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Martha Clark Scala has been a psychotherapist in private practice since 1992, with offices in Palo Alto and San Francisco, California. She regularly writes...
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answered...

Every person's response to a loss is as unique as an individual thumbprint. For example, grief comes crashing down on some folks right after the person dies while for others, See also:
My dad just died, what do I do?

See all 130 questions about Grief and Loss
it might be two weeks, two months, two years later, or even never, before they have an acute reaction of grief.

If you happen to be one of a number of siblings grieving your brother, it is not unusual for each of you to react differently, depending on such factors as:

  • how close you were in age, or birth order
  • how much time you spent sharing a household together
  • how much time you spent together in your childhood or adulthood
  • how much affinity you had with one another as siblings, and
  • how much conflict you went through together, be it with each other or in the family.


If you are having a particularly hard time with the loss of your brother, please feel no pressure to do your grieving process like others in your family. If there is pressure on you, whether subtle or overt, to grieve this loss less intensely, you may need to go outside of your family system for support or counsel. For help with this, check out The Compassionate Friends, particularly the link for Sibling Resources.

If you are looking for a book specifically addressing sibling loss, know that the search engines in most bookstores are sophisticated enough to find books tailored to your needs if you type in "sibling loss" in the Find/Search box.

A sibling loss support group, if available in your community, might be very soothing at this time. Or you could consider seeking one-on-one support from a psychotherapist or pastoral counselor.

Above all, do your best to allow your feelings to surface despite what others are doing or not doing with their grief.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I'm so sorry to hear that. My little brother died 4 weeks ago very young I know how you're feeling. I spent some time at his grave side when I couldn't deal & prayed about it & felt more peaceful afterwards. Everyone is different so I don't know what will help one person won't help the next person.

Was he younger than you?

 

gol123 answered...

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother I'm watching my third brother die. My third brother is younger than me and he is dyinf from lung cancer and its very difficult to deal with.

 

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sarahrutanen answered...

I lost my brother 2 years ago on October 11 (2008). His name was Nick Fadal and he died at age 24 from Congestive Heart Failure. A rare virus attacked his heart when he was 22 and it took it's toll quickly. I was 20 when I watched him die in the hospital right before my eyes. He had been in ICU for an entire week on life support before the Angels toook him to Heaven. On October 4 I got the call from my mom that Nick had stopped breathing and I needed to rush to the hospital to be by his side. I hurried down to San Antonio, TX Methodist Hospital and Nick had come back! He flat lined for 28 minutes before he came back for one last goodbye. I will never forget the sight for as long as I live. He was nonresponsive and comatose. It was terrifying. I was in complete shock. My mother was not herself, she was a shell of herself. Nick actually came to for me the following day. He opened his eyes and continued to stare directly at me to make sure I knew he was there. He was! I swear I thought he was going to be just fine, regardless of all the machines and hearsay. Everyday that week I visited him right after I got out of class at Texas State University. Everyday I told him to continue the fight and how much I loved him. Everyday I was blind. Nick had that waiting room packed! So many people reached out for his sake, no one knew what the horrified outcome would be. On Saturday, October 11, 2008 Nickolas Alden Fadal passed away at approximately 5 p.m. I was the last person to see him. I got into that hopsital and begged the kidney doctor to tell me if there was any progess. There was none. I begged him to tell me if he was going to make it, he couldn't say. I finally got, "it's not looking good". Nick was not responsive. I layed by his side and finally told him he didn't have to fight any longer. "I know the Angles are here Nick, and if you have to go with them it's okay. Because you are MY angel and always will be." Still, no response. After laying with him for about an hour or so, I kissed his forehead and left the room. My boyfriend at the time and I left the hospital for Buffalo Wild Wings. We were there about fifteen minutes when mom called once again, "He's dying, go back." I have never driven faster in my life. I raced to that room and all I could see what about 6 nurses surrounding Nick. They had their paddles out,were doing CPR, and trying to revive my brother. His father, my boyfriend, and the Chaplin lady were all trying to hold me back. I fought each one off of me as I had my nose to the glass screaming, "BREATHE!!". Minutes went by, still no Nick. The resesitaion stopped and I whispered, "he's tired, he's tired." At that time I heard my mother come into the room and I rushed to Nick. I held my brother's dead body until my stepdad literally peeled me off. I was a mess. I cannot remember much after that, but that particular scene I cannot shake. I will never be able to. That day I lost my brother, my enemy, my best friend, my dad, most of all I lost my hero. The second anniversary of his death is right around the corner and I must say, it absolutely sucks. No way around it. I will always miss him. I will always wonder what could have been. I will always love him. Bubba, until we meet again, I will live for you and strive to make you proud every single day. Please wait for me...

 

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LDSH answered...

Thank you for your post, it was very helpful for me to read during my time of grief of my 31 year old brother. He passed away October 11, 2010 and I have been the strongest. My feelings have come to a point and I needed an outlet. So I thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me through the night!

 

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punky99 answered...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 24 year old brother 14 years ago .... everyone in the family coped with it differently, but I also felt that I was hit the hardest. I was 21 then.... and, including my parents (and my grandparents then, too), no one had lost a sibling. I felt really lonely in my pain, but also felt the need to be strong for my parents, as I was their only remaining child.

I'm 36 now, but the pain hasn't stopped - life goes on, but there are days that stop me in my tracks and I have to take the time to cry and reflect. I keep his memory alive in small ways - my 11 year old (who never knew him, but who is uncannily like him in so many ways ) and I bake a cake and celebrate his birthday every year - I tell her stories about him, and how much he would have loved and spoilt her. I was lucky, in that my husband and my brother were best friends, so am able to share my feelings openly with him - we spend some days recalling the funny stuff we did in school / college and that always makes me laugh. Except for my parents and us, I find that everyone else in my extended family has moved on easily - we live with it on a daily basis !! We cry, hug, laugh and remember our time with him.

  • Hugs * ... and keep his memory alive !
 

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grace13 answered...

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother....My brother just died this morning and I am beside myself. He was 47 with stage 4 lung cancer that spread to othe parts and brain. I truly feel your pain. I dont know how I'm going to function. I was very close with him but these past few weeks he became isolated and didnt want to see me or my Mother. He didnt want us to worry and be hurt. If you find anything that can help you please pass it along. Again my condolences

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I am so sorry about your brother...I also lost my brother 2 1/2 months ago. He was 38, I am 35..We were extremely close, our father passed away with cancer when I was 10 and he was 13. I had just gotten in from work and my sister-in-law called me..she wanted to know were my mom was. I could tell something was wrong and I told her I was not sure were she was..She told me my brother had been in an accident. I thought maybe he was just hurt and at the hospital and she went on to tell me he was gone...At that VERY moment my life stopped. I feel like I can not live, can not breath, can not be happy. This has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. He drove an 18 wheeler, he was on a rural 2 lane road making a delivery loaded with lumber..A 73 year old lady came around a curve on the wrong side of the road..He had no place to go. She hit him head on and spun around and hit him in the drivers side fuel tank and the diesel exploded. She hit a rock wall and was killed instantley..My brother burnt in that diesel for almost 3 hours before they could remove his body. I saw picures online of the wreck and it haunts me..We had to have a closed casket of course but my mom insisted on going in when we made arrangments to see him. I did not want her going in alone so I went with her..They kept him covered but still it was unbearable. I can not close my eyes without seeing my brother burning..Not a second goes by that I don't thik of him. I don't answer my phone...I have as little to do with anyone that I can..I am married and have 2 teens, and I am so withdrawn. I miss him so much and just do not know what to do. He was not JUST my brother...he was my Best Friend, my father, my world...

 

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leeloo answered...

I just lost my 23 year old brother on August 3. I don't even know how to put into words the grief I am feeling. I am in the military so I can't just take time off of work to grieve. I have to go about my day like everything is fine so that I can get my work done. When I'm out I wanna be home and when I'm home I wanna be out. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life aside from losing my mother seven years ago to cancer. My brother was a soldier in the Army. He is my hero, my best friend, my angel and my baby brother. I know he's in Heaven waiting for me and the rest of our family but it seems like I'll never be able to smile sincerely again until I join him in Heaven. Please Lord bring me peace.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

As the holidays are now upon us, I found myself feeling pretty low so I logged online to see if I could find some relief online. I lost my 40 year old brother about 5 months ago now in a house fire. I'm 33. As many of you know if you're reading this, it's unbearable. I feel like I haven't even had the strength to grieve him yet and have more/less just tried to ignore the void and the pain associated with that void. All the memories of childhood, all the fights we had, the terrible things we said to each other, but also the good times playing sports, our hikes into the woods having no idea where we were going and not coming back until dark, his sticking up for me and believing in me. . .the list goes on and on. I guess the biggest problem I'm having is thinking about all the things I didn't do and/or didn't tell him like what a strong person he was and how proud I was of him for fighting so hard all those years. I hope we find a way to cope with this, but on this first christmas without him, my family sure seems like it will never be the same. We are all the walking dead. I guess we'll just try to lean on each other and pray to the Good Lord that he'll help us through this.

 

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Ken M answered...

Three weeks ago, today, I lost my 41yr old brother. I am 45. He committed suicide over something none of the rest of us knew about that he was dealing with. He was in serious legal trouble, but, too proud to come to any of us for help. I have been through quite a bit in my life, but, without question this is the absolute hardest thing I've had to go through. I have a caring wife and kids, but, they just can't understand what I'm dealing with. Rob (my brother) and I grew up very close together... biking, skateboarding, playing music, hiking, camping, sharing cars, going to school. As adults, we had opened two businesses together and emailed/talked at least a couple times a week. Everyone loved him - he had 100's of people at his memorial service. I don't know what the future holds. I can't imagine ever getting over the grief and missing him. I don't want to get over missing him, but, I suppose life must move forward. I have to move forward for my family. I'm now the only son in the family - which is a very lonely feeling. I've always felt like Rob and I could handle things for Mom and Dad as they got older, but, now he's gone. I've really come to cling to my belief of our souls being eternal. One of the laws of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. When a person "dies" here, I believe its only their earthly body that stops, but, their energy/soul separates from the body and lives in an eternal realm (religions refer to as heaven). In eternity, time has no meaning whatsoever, so I don't think my brother feels like he's "waiting" on me to get there. I think he's experiencing all kinds of awesome things now and just knows he'll show me around when I get there. This is my belief. I know this was all created by some all powerful/knowing creator. I don't think our creator would have created relationships, families and love - only for it to all be lost when someone expires here on earth. I think those things are the most important during our earthly existence, and they will be important and honored in eternity.

 

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Zukiness answered...

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It's helped me somewhat, as I am trying to process the stages of grief over the loss of my sister. Sarah died 6 months ago, just 10 days after her 33rd birthday. She was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer in June, and within 2 months, she was gone. I am the oldest of 3 kids - 41 years old, our brother is 36 and our baby sister had just turned 33. She lived in Nevada, I am in Colorado, and Thomas lives in Virginia, so the last decade, we have been separated by miles, but we remained close by phone, email and as many visits as we could afford. Not a moment seems to go by that I am not thinking about her and wondering why HER?? She was otherwise a very healthy person: never smoked, did drugs, rarely drank. We grew up in a very strong Christian home, so her faith in God was immense. She was loved by everyone who met/knew her. It was just amazing how quickly she went from being a vibrant, energized, active mom of two boys, ages 4 & 10, to a terminal cancer patient. She was given zero chance at beating it, as it was found way too late and had spread to her lymphatic system and eventually shutting down all her organs. 2 months!! And the pain she endured.... it was excruciating. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say a few things about my precious baby sister. I'm not dealing well at all, but I'm trying to hold it together for the sake of my own children. My brother is doing the exact same thing. Not living, just existing. We loved that little girl so much, she was our baby sister and we couldn't protect her, couldn't help her, couldn't save her. Luckily, we were all able to be in Las Vegas the week she died.
He flew in with his kids, and I drove there with mine. So, we did get to all be together for the 'END', but I don't know how to move on. I worry for my brother, emotionally he's bottled everything up. It hurts so dang much not being able to help him on top of not being able to have saved our sister. Our siblings are our first friends, often times our best friends, and losing a brother or sister is like a part of yourself has died.
Hugs, love and prayers to all of you that are going thru this loss. Wherever you are in the grieving process, I pray that you find peace and comfort. I too need to find those things as well.

 

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A fellow caregiver answered...

My baby brother died without warning in his sleep in 2010. He was 27 and I 30. All the hardships in life we went through together, there were plenty, but as long as we could whinge to each other afterwards we could get through anything. I am the eldest sibling and have always been the 'rock.' I cant tell you how weak I feel since my baby brother was taken from me. I never realised that what made me the rock was his dependance on me. There is no one on this earth that knows me and loves me the way my brother does. Im still trying to work out how I am supposed to go on for his children and mine. How can this happen? We are meant to be each others strength when our parents die, he jumped the cue! Mum is getting more sick by the day with cancer and I feel unable to be the rock I would have been. I need my brother, I so need him. I pray that heaven is for real, I need to see my baby brother again.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

Next week will be the third year anniversary of my brothers death. I was 14 and it was one day after his 17th birthday. My parents made me go to a grief counselor, and I hated it. I dind't like talking about it with someone I didn't know. She told me that I was dealing with my grief differently, that I was in 'the stage of shock' longer than average and that I would be more depressed when I was older and it would be harder. Good one. How comforting and encouraging is that to hear at 14 years old? Not very. I'm 17 and I have realized that it is okay if I don't grieve like my parents do. Just because I don't like to cry and be sad doesn't mean that I'm not handling it. God has given me immense amount of joy, and to ignore that would be foolish. Let God fill you with comfort, peace, and joy. He wants to! He loves giving his children blessings. James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith developes perseverence." Everyone goes through struggles. You aren't the only one. Yes, it sucks at the time, but God has a plan for everything. He doesn't put you through something you can't bear. Let Him make your load lighter and easier. Don't get stuck in the 'why' phase. Asking God why he took your brother away from you is a terrible question to get stuck on. If God allowed us to see and know everything He sees and knows we would obviously know why we have lost our brothers. But God designed us to live by faith, not by sight. Trust that He is in control and that His plan is better than anything we could do. He is perfect. He is in control. He is the only one you can fully trust. He is full and perfect in every attribute. If He wasn't then He wouldn't be worthy of our worship.

 

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Ken M answered...

I lost my younger brother about 4 months ago. He was only 4 years younger than I and we did everything together growing up. We were very close as adults as well - worked in the same office for a few years, started a couple businesses together and e-mailed/texted a lot. His loss was sudden/unexpected - suicide. I cried every day for more than three months - literally. Only in the last couple of weeks have I been able to have periods where I can see light again. There are no magic words I can say to help - I wish there were. Brothers are special and losing one hurts - period. I hope you believe in creation, regardless of your "religion". Personally, I don't care what religion someone calls themselves... above ALL of our human/earthly man-made religions, I know there is a creator who put all of this into motion. We are souls with temporary bodies. Your brother and my brother are in a SERIOUSLY better state/being right now and are waiting until we finish our days here on earth. Its hard, without question, but just try to get through one day at a time and make your brother proud in the time you have here on earth. Our creator/God (whatever we want to label it) did not create families/love/relationships only to have them be lost forever when someone passes on from this life. I know our brothers are still there and we'll be with them again. Hang in there!

 

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DaniSue answered...

My 45 year old brother passed away May 14, 2011. I was 43 at the time. It will be a year in less than 2 weeks. He was not married, nor did he have children of his own, so he was very present in all our lives/children's lives..."Uncle Jeff"....he was the best. He and I were both diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease when we were teenagers. He then I. We were both survivors. We also both went on to experience a variety of health problems, but he seemed to have worst luck than I. As he said, "I just can't catch a break." That was really the only negative thing he said about it. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in October 2010. For the next 8 months, we watched him fight. There was a time I really believed he might make it. This was just too much. He looked like a different person towards the end. I can't seem to get those final 24 hours out of my mind. I finished my last final exam and headed over to the hospital as he had just been admitted with what they originally said might be an ulcer. My mom and I were in the room with him when the house doc came in and thought it might be tumor related. We all knew what this meant and my brother began to have a series of panic attacks. He felt he could not breathe and was very agitated. It was almost unbearable to watch. I felt so helpless. They gave him something to relax and he eventually calmed down. I wanted to stay, but my mom told me it was okay to go home. I kissed him and told him I would call in the morning to see if he needed anything before I came back. My husband and I went for a bite to eat and to talk. I remember crying in the restaurant...tears just constantly falling, however never imagining this would be his last night, but knowing we were losing him. I don't recall the exact time, but during the night I received a call from my sister to get there asap. I told my husband to meet me there and ran out the door. I cried and screamed the whole 10 minute ride, which seemed to be an eternity. I was frantic. When I got there, my family was all there around his bed. We were able to say "good-bye" and most of all tell him how much we loved him...we held his hand, rubbed his forehead and then my mom told him it was okay to go be with our dad and just like that, he was gone. It was very peaceful and quiet and I thought I would die with him. It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life, however a gift I wouldn't trade for anything. I miss my brother EVERY SINGLE DAY! I am sad for him that he is no longer here living with the rest of us. I know this will never be okay. I can only hope that some day I can think of him and smile. I feel like I am expected to do that now....I just can't. It's been almost a year and I miss him. It's helpful to know I am not crazy and that I am not alone in how I feel. My heart goes out to all of you.

 

lost brother answered...

Well, I lost my baby brother at 37 in sept 2010 he had a congenttal heat defect that failed at37.As he was 12 years younger than me & I helped raise him as a baby(I still feel his weight in a bamboo basket I lifted him in at 3 yrs old when I was abot 15.) I miss him every day I think to the grand plan from the almighty, but I still miss him. I helped raise him & many firsts occurred -rare in this life. Icarry this grief & still try to ratioalize it-maybe someday i will come to terms when I see him again. My heart is with you on the loss of somone so close.. L.

 

Lilduckie answered...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my only sibling, my older brother 3 years ago to cancer and I also took it harder than anyone else in my family. I feel that the bond you share with him and the memories you made in your past together, and basically growing up together, he was there next to you through it all and now it's all just memories. My family hasn't mentioned him in many many months but I remember him and think about him almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Some days are hard, others you get through. No matter what you do, if you feel like talking about the memories and share stories, find some people that will be comfortable listening to you. It's does help to talk and helps with the grieving process. You lost a part of you, don't be so hard on yourself. Things will be different from now on and one day you will accept that. Like I said, it's been 3 years for me and I still find myself crying on his Bday and anniversary, when I hear certain songs..... I wish you the strength to get through such a difficult time. Remember, everyone does grieve differently, so I'm sure your family members are all grieving in different ways.

 

RD7011 answered...

My older brother age 46 died in a house fire two weeks ago. That alone has haunted me. Our parents are elderly and not able to help with arrangements, I did everything. I also spent three days going thru the ashes and rubble to find his momentos and ID. I had a hard time with this so far but the one comfort was being able to go see him before his cremation. I'd like to hear from others who have lost a sibling due to a house fire....

 

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Ken M answered...

It would be nice if the posts had posting dates and times on them. Is there any way for the admin to enable that? Thanks so much.

 

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Ken M answered...

Just wanted to say thank you for all who have shared their experiences on here. My younger brother (41yrs old) committed suicide less than a year ago. The days have gotten easier, but, I know things will never be the same. I have found comfort in knowing others have gone through the same thing. The main way I've found comfort is in coming to the realization that my brother and I were created. We didn't just randomly come to be. I have no doubt that a greater being put all of this into motion. I just know that our creator wouldn't have created families, relationships and love only to have it be forever lost when someone's body ceases to exist. This is how I've gotten through the months. I don't know how or when, but, I know my brother and I will be together again. I know he's still out there. I'm not much of a religious person, but, I do think I'm a spiritual person. I don't know how we can deny that a greater power/being/creator/God/spirit created all that we are and know. I'm just trusting that our creator has an amount of compassion/love/empathy and understanding for our feelings that goes beyond our comprehension. In the meantime, best wishes to those who are going through the same thing I am. Just look up at the sky (especially at night). Its hard to NOT believe there's more to this than what we see/experience.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

What choice do you have other than to go through the motions, give yourself time. and your family alot of time and understanding as well. Talk to your Mom and Dad and siblings, ask them how their feeling. It might suprise you the similar emotions you all are going through. I lost my baby brother a little over a year ago, to suicide. He was only 14. It has crushed our family!! It has been a year and it dosen't feel like a month, but it feels like forever at the same time!! I miss him with my whole heart, everyday. Its unbelievable how much of yourself you lose when someone like a brother passes away! especially such a full of life, funny, handsome young man as my brother was. And Im sure what your brother was. you second guess everything about life. you feel like your going crazy!! and then just when you start to feel a little better a title wave comes and slams you back down. but day by day things will get better. from where I was a year ago to where I am now, I am alot better.
Thankfully my family loves to talk about Quenten, we don't brush it under the rug and pretend like nothing happened like some family's do. if thats the case then go and seek another route of dealing. there is so many options. my parents went to a support group. it was helpfull for them. And their usually low cost, if not free. I am also just starting to go to counselling. I just need a little more help and direction of what to do now. My mom is reading a book witten by Mark Ireland called Souls plan. He says that we make these pre-birth agreements, that when we were souls we agreed to have to endure this life. To go through these hardships. To learn, grow, Isn't that why were on earth anyways? I otfen think about this and find some comfort in it. I never was religous and still am not but I have more hope and faith that I will see my brother again, than I have ever had for anything in my whole life. We can't change what happened. We can't hold any guilt, woulda, shoulda, couldas. It's not going to change anything Just get to know the new you, don't be hard on yourself.

Anyways, I am sorry for all of your losses. take care.

 

No real name answered...

I wanted to reach out to you because I recently experienced a devastating loss in my life and I decided to turn my pain into something positive by telling a unique story about children and how death affects them. I have been raising money to get this film made for the past month and I feel that if this idea connects with you, then maybe this story can get further along in the process with a community that understands what it is that I am trying to tell:

If you have a moment, I would appreciate your time to take a look at my crowdfunder: http://www.rockethub.com/projects/12151-jeff-pinillas-journey-from-

Thank you so much!

-Jeff Pinilla

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I lost my baby and only brother 34 years ago. I often think about what he would have done with his life. He would be 52 if he had lived. My brother came to me in a dream about two months after he died, it seemed like I was awake. He came to a window at the back of the house and stuck his head in, I was crying begging him to come in, because to me it seemed if he came in the house everything would be alright, but he said he couldn't but to tell mama that he was ok. The next morning I told my mother what he said. For me it was so real. Till this day I can picture him talking to me through the window and me begging. Over the years I still cry and miss him, but I believe he is alright. I found comfort in him coming to me in the dream and I felt he really was alright and it made it easier for me to deal with his death then his 4 other sisters. He was just 18 and had graduated that summer and was attending an automotive school. He loved working on cars. The night he was killed he left the house and told our mother to tell me that he would be right back. He never came back. He had no children. What is odd is that my son looks just like him and to this day he is at times called by his uncle's name "Brian" or people will say he looks just like your brother. I remember the short time that we had together it was all fun. I believe we all have to find our own way to cope. My dream was my trigger to coping.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

My youngest and beloved brother passed away in 2010. He was in the US Army and my family and I had to bury him on his 26th birthday. I remember him every single second of every day. My parents and other brother and I are broken and sad. My youngest brother was truly a gift and life and the world are not the same without him. The empty seat at the dinner table during family get-togethers, holidays, and birthdays is too much to bear...the pain is indescribable. Grief is an unforgiving emotion...it will hit you at any time or place. But, I know my brother is always with me and my family. I still hear his voice and I cherish all of my treasured memories of him. The loss is difficult to deal with and my heart goes out to all who have lost a sibling. I don't think time has made my grief subside....but knowing that my brother is happy and at peace and at rest with no worries or problems is a comfort. My family and I will always be beside ourselves because we miss him and love him so much.

 

Ken M answered...

My younger and only brother committed suicide (going on) a year and a half now. He was seemingly one of the happiest people on earth, had an excellent job in the IT field, a wife, owned several rental houses on the side, enjoyed riding his Harley, traveling, fishing, hiking, camping and loved all animals. He was the youngest of four siblings of our very close family. I was his older (and only) brother. He and I were very close through the years - even into adulthood. We worked together for a few years in the same company... only a few cubes away from each other. He was loved by all his coworkers and had a lot of good friends. Unfortunately, he and his wife could never have children, so that's the greatest thing he never got to experience. He was so kind to everyone - and even forgave rent (on multiple occasions) for some of his renters who fell on hard times. He found himself in trouble with the law for something (not drugs) that hadn't hurt a single soul. For something that would have gotten a slap on the wrist in other countries. For something that we have allowed our federal, state and local officials to push "zero-tolerance" at. My brother was all of the good things above I mentioned - and much more. He was embarrassed for himself and for his family by what he was facing. So embarrassed and ashamed that he took his own life. My family will now forever have a big, dark hole that my brother once filled. He lit up a room when he walked in. He was smart, witty, hard working, confident, fun-loving, compassionate and loving. After almost a year and a half, I go to sleep every single night and wake up every single morning thinking of him. Such a loss for my family, the community and the world. The zero-tolerance laws that we've allowed ourselves to be ruled by leaves zero common-sense to consider all circumstances. This was a good man who made one mistake. He was embarrassed and ashamed of it, but, our land was going to send this person (who had NEVER been in ANY kind of trouble in his life) to prison. Please, please, next time you see a news story about someone in prison or in trial/a courtroom, etc, please remember that many of those people are GOOD people who were living a life just like you - and who have families just like you. RIP my brother. I love you.

 

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Dekota answered...

I also lost my brother Zack on October 16, 2011. He had passed away from heroin overdose in his room while we're cooking his favorite meal, steak and patatoes. I was 16 years old when I heard my dad scream, "call 911". I rushed out to his room and saw my brothers body grey and motionless. I couldn't face the reality that he might no be breathing so I said, "maybe he is just in a comma". After checking his pulse I quickly started performing CPR, but I could not perform it for long without breaking down and having my mom continue cpr. The site of my brother, best friend, and hero like this destroyed me beyond words. I could not watch my parents continue CPR and anger for no apparent reason had rushed into me. The ambulance crew and firefighters had to calm me down, I was a wreck and list faith in god for a very long time. Losing someone so close to you even though you fought all the time kills me inside, still 2 years later I have off and on depression and extreme anger. We were closer than you could imagine and the regret of not being there sooner to help him breaks me down. I know I will never be the same person I was when he was alive but I have grown up and become wiser than ever. His death showed me that at any time our time on this earth could be taken from us and even though at times the world seems like a dark cloud we have family and friends that still need us to be strong. I know everyone feels that there is more to life than just life on Earth. I believe one day I will see my brother again, from dreams to small signs I feel his presence and after all dark times comes light and healing. This is what we are, humans and we feel emotion for things that mean most to us. I thank god everyday for the time i shared with my brother and even though I won't see him in this life I live my life to the fullest. I'm currently 18 and joining the military in August. I plan to stick with the plan me and my brother had and that was to join together and serve the country we loved so much. I know he will be with me every step of the way. If I stay in or not I will become a counselor for struggling drug addicts or a firefighter. Remember the memories we be had with our lost loved ones and laugh cry but most of all remember that this is not the end. Make them proud for they are by your side when you least expect it.

 

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Jimothy answered...

My name is Tim and I lost my younger brother to a hunting accident when I was14. He was 12. It was 10am on a Monday morning, two days before my birthday. We had just started our summer break from school with a hunting trip that weekend. Our mother had us remove the rifles from the truck to bring them in the house. During which, horseplay had occurred and my brother had been shot, and killed. My misunderstanding of the lethality of a firearm led me to accidentally shoot him. Our mother watched us unload the rifles and place them in the truck the day before and we understood (or thought we did) that they were unloaded. When the accident happened, I called the ambulance but they did not know our precise location. So we had to drive to meet the ambulance. Along the way, amidst my mother's screams and shouting at other drivers, I held my brother in my arms and tried to bring him to consciousness. He was taking involuntary breaths which gave me false hope that he would survive. When we met the ambulance, they took my brother and mother to the hospital. I was placed in a state trooper's custody to give a statement, then to a county sheriff's for another where I was taken to the scene of the accident to explain what had happened. The sheriff then took me to the hospital where my father (whom had divorced my mother) told me that my brother had passed. I collapsed. That is the first time I had seen the man cry. They brought me into the ER to say my goodbyes, which I couldn't find the words to say. Then my parents took me to my mother's home where a horde of distraught family members, family friends, etc. swarmed me and my immediate family. After a couple days, the crowd lessened. At the wake/funeral it resumed, desensitizing me to the faces of sadness. My parents and my sister had warned me that if I did not deal with it then, it would consume my later years. I did not listen. I started hanging with a rough bunch of guys that got high and drank (which I had not yet done till after the accident) and I've just brushed my pain aside for a cheap high or drunk. My family tried to get me to speak to a psychiatrist, but I refused saying, "They know what they know from reading books and studies, not from experiences or feeling anything that resembled my pain." I let go of family, past friendships, and most importantly, God. I would curse God with every action or thought. I blamed Him for this horrible atrocity. I thought that God had forsaken me and my family. I had continued on this path for quite some time till about a year ago when I came to terms with what had happened. I'm now 18. I still haven't went to church in over three years. I still do a little drinking or toking, but not to the extremes of before. I have found a small safe haven by reading your various stories and scenarios. I know that I am not alone in my sorrow for a loss of a sibling. I've never shared my experiences with anyone, person to person, but I believe sharing on any level is a positive so I thought I'd give it a shot. Even though I'm sharing on the internet, I'm still sharing to people that have an understanding of what my sadness can do to a person's moral self and that makes all the difference to me. I appreciate you if you had read thus far. You have warmed my heart. Thank you for hearing my story, Tim

 

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SisterSophi answered...

These posts have been a comfort to read. In the sadness that it is, anyway. I lost my brother 1 month ago. The day we got the phone call I was happily texting in the kitchen. My mother's screams said it all. I knew Luis was dead. He was 34. I am 21. All I can think is, how I wish I knew him better. How he was such a good big brother to me. So loving, generous, and kind. I hate the he was taken from us from those monsters. His "friends." He made them a promise and when he couldn't give them what they wanted they beat him, and took his life. He didn't deserve that. I miss my brother. I miss him so much. And I feel so much guilt because in my life I never did much for him.I feel so sorry and I want to make up for it. Some days I am positive, I think that he'd want me to be happy and the best I can be. Then there are moments when the tears come and I miss him, and I hate so much how unfair it is. I wish I could hug him so much. I wish I could remember what it was like to feel his arms around me. My brother, my lovely brother. He used to say that he felt his friends were jealous of him. That's how far their envy took them. Monsters. And my mom, way before this happened, used to always tell us, "In this life there are no true friends, the best you have is yourself, mother, and brothers." I never believed her. Now I do. Once again life takes a new turn, one that I can never turn from.I'm scared to see what is ahead. I'm scared of who I will become. I'm so scared and in pain. All these thoughts come to me when I am alone and I remember it. I am so sad for my mom. I see her cry and it makes me cry. She is different already. She seems sad, and quiet, and alone. When I see her, I wonder if I seem different too. My little brother he is different too. He is kinder and thoughtful. But he plays games all day to forget. I think. And I hate that I did not know luis like I should have. I try to remember as much as I can but it's hard and I gey headaches. This all sucks so bad. And the rest of the family seems to have moved on. Except for a few saints who call mom so that she won't feel alone. And my friends, my soul called friends are not as there for me as I'd like. My mom was right. Now we know. And life well it's tough. I want to see him again. I hope I make it brother, to where you are. I know you're in heaven and that makes me happy. But I hope I make it.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I lost my brother last month. His death has been the worst pain I have ever experience. I miss him so much! Everyday I ask God to let me see or hear from him. As of today, I'm still grieving and really don't understand why he had to die.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I lost my brother when I was 11 years old. He was 14 years old at the time. He had taken me to baseball practice on that day. A Friend of mine's mother had come to pick me up and told me that Chris had been in an accidents. I thought he was fine, but may have been hurt and he would be okay. She said my parents had asked her to take me to her house. Her daughter had been my baby sitter. She ran and hugged me tightly, began crying as she told me he had died. My whole body was numb, all I could do was bury my face into her shoulder and cry. It wasn't until later that I found out how he died. It was ruled an accident. There was a thing going around about auto-erotic asphyxiation. There was even an Oprah show about other teenagers d who died doing this. Some said he committed suicide, I even beat a boy up for saying that. It was a very difficult time, and I am grateful to my grandparents for being my rock to lean on. My parents split up as neither could help each other grieve. I eventually made my peace with his death. Sometimes I am angry with him for doing something so stupid. Other times I am sad when I think about moments in my life that he wasn't a part of. I think about him almost everyday. I don't think you can ever completely get over losing a sibling if you were close, but you have to keep living your life and love those you have left. I love my parents, but I watched their marriage fall apart because they couldn't deal. My mother suffered from MS, and had always been a very positive person to be around. She became bitter and a shell of herself. It helps talking to someone. Whatever you do, don't close your heart to the world.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I am 18 and my brother was hit and killed by a train last year. He was twenty years old. I was seventeen at the time and I was really carefree about the world. I was a Senior in high school and I didn't think my life could change in a minute. I will never forget October 28th, 2012, for it will haunt me for the rest of my life. My mother has grown quite emotionally abusive at times because she is on a lot of medication and she does not how to deal with this accordingly. I only had one brother, and he was taken from me. I grew up with him and he was my hero. I am still not over this and I never will be. Not getting to see your brother's face at his funeral scarred me.

 

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tytysister13 answered...

My name is Ashley and I am 22 years old. August 31st 2013 I got the phone call that my 14 year old brother was in a car accident with my grandmother,mother and my son. My mother and grandmother was in the hospital in ICU for a week. I have never felt so hurt,mad,upset, Alone and sad all at one time. I miss my brother so much! Just today I finally broke down and cried for hours just sitting in his room. I didn't really hit me until today I was cleaning and found his death certificate. My brother was my best friend. We wereso close! I have a hard time trying to explain to my son who is 2 that his "tyty" won't be back. He calls for him all the time. I don't have anyone to really talk to about it BC no one understands my feelings. I found this site and I'm hoping to find people to talk to about it. I know I have God and he has held me through all of this but having someone who has been tthrough this before to tall to would be a lot easier for me I believe! if anyone wants to talk about their loss or anything don't hesitate to email me. I know its hard and I keep each and everyone of you in my thoughts and prayers. -Ashley

 

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sarahcoxall answered...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I know too well what you are going through and i too am having some trouble with coping. My brother ben was in a motorcross accident on the 10th of may this year (2013),he was crossing a road to get to an of road track and a woman with her boyfriend and her 6 month old child in the back ploughed into the side if him, ben was with 2 of his best friends who watched him shunted 20ft up the road and watched the life drain away from him. my brothers injurys were awful and when i arrived at the crash site wich is about 2 miles away from our home i just broke down and collapsed on the floor, he was taken to hospital and we followed after, ben was put on life support and was in intensive care, his friends from school and all of his family came to see him, just waiting for him to open his eyes, eventually after several tests the doctors told us ben was dead, he had died if brain stem death, he died at 14.40 on the 11th of may, we had been approached by doctors about ben donating his organs and ben had already said that one day he would like to do this, so ben in total has helped save 8 lives, wich i couldn't be more proud of. My brother was only 15, we were so close and he was my best friend and i had pretty much raised him, i sometimes feel as though im loosing the plot and going crazy but im trying to be strong for my family and be the happy one that picks everyone else up as that would be what ben would do but im finding it harder as time goes on, everyone says it gets better with time but for me ir just gets worse!i would like to add that the woman that hit my brother wad a heroin addict and died about 3 weeks ago but it still feels as though there is no justice for my little brother, and it pains me more to think that that smack head should have died six months ago then id still have my little brother!!!

 

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Savannah Lawson answered...

This has been helpful. On August 31, 2013, I lost my older brother due to suicide. He just turned 21 nine days (August 22) before his suicide. I'm only 19 years old. My mom and my two little sisters ages 6 and 8 are the most affected. All four of us kid's fathers aren't really in our lives and only my brother and me were born with the same father and he isn't trying hard to be my shoulder to cry on. The year before my brother's suicide he had overdosed and my mom and I were sadly talking on how maybe if he wasn't saved then it would have been easier to handle that unintended loss than what we are left with. Is this true or not? We have a community of family and friends to talk to but it's hard to talk with them because knowing most of them my whole lives really doesn't make me feel that it should be easy to open up to them to talk. In my community we are faced with another loss and his twin brother is left alive and though the cause the deaths happened were different I know our loss is similar. Though I could never imagine losing some one that close. I hope both boys find peace. Thank you for reading if you do. I enjoyed reading everyone's answers and they helped me too.

 

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Sarah2928 answered...

I am 29 and my lil brother was gonna be 28 on dec. 12th. He passed away less than a month ago. I remember that day VERY clear and that I went through all the stages of grief in the first 20 minutes of being notified. I am now at the point where I KNOW he is gone but it feels very surreal. I don't have trouble talking about it but I have trouble thinking about it. I almost feel like I have to tell myself that he is really gone and I still don't feel like its real. I don't know how or what I feel. Apparently at his layout I stood for 30minutes staring at him and just calmly crying. I don't really remember. I honestly think I am making myself more worried about how to console everyone else that I am almost forgetting about myself. I dunno..... Pretty much confused.

 

SuzyK94 answered...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the horrible feeling of losing a sibling. I lost my 24 year old brother on August 23rd, 2013 to a sudden and very serious case of bacterial meningitis. It took a total of just one day for him to go to the hospital and lose the battle. I am 19 and he was my big brother. The only sibling I had. I can't even begin to describe how lonely I feel. The one person whl understood me, the one person who I could be 100% myself with is gone. I have many regrets and one of the biggest ones is the way I treated him in his final days. The thing with his illness was that it starts off like a regular flu. The symptoms are all the same until they become serious and you're facing potential death. I acted like an annoying sister and kept telling him to stop complaining about being sick since it happens to us all. The immense amount of self loathing I feel for that is crazy. If only I'd known that his case was much more serious, I never would've acted like such a brat....it's been nearly 4 months now and it hasn't gotten easier. I miss him more and more every day. So many days I feel lost and like I'm losing my mind. I miss having my brother around. I miss hanging out with him and watching sports together. He was my best friend. Someone I always looked up to. At his wake I walked up to his casket and promised him that I'd never give up on life. That I'd keep going for us both and for my mom who only has me now. I'm hoping that with time we can all heal and find real meaning in our lives. Its so true that we take people in our lives for granted and we don't know how good we have it until we don't anymore. I would do anything to bring him back. Hang in there every body. Much love.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

Where to begin. I lost my brother in 2007 the same year i had my daughter. It was such a hard pregnancy i was in the hospital most of the time and on a lot of meds my brother looked up evey med. Talked to me everyday telling me it will be ok. We celebrated. His birthday on dec. 18 Christmas on the 25 and his murder on the 27. It was just him and i my older brother my protector im just lost. It takes everthing out of me just to get through this month its been 6 years and i am still lost.

 

snippenhairz answered...

I too have lost a brother. 5 weeks ago, on Dec 10, 2013. He had stage 2 stomach cancer when they found it. He had his stomach removed. Not many had traveled to his lymph nodes so we thought he would be ok. It came back with a vengeance a few months later. He had exploratory surgery to see what was wrong as the ct scans didn't show anything. They had to close him back up right away. They told us that he had about 2 months to live. One week later, to the day, he died. My whole family was with him, at his house. Those last few days of his life I will never forget. His struggle with breathing, the " death rattle" that was so very loud you could hear it rooms away. They say cancer is a terrible thing to die from. I have seen first hand that it was. But, we were able to say good bye. I held his hand, rubbed his hair... We talked about the funny things that happened to us all as kids ( There were 4 of us kids). I have never seen anyone die before. He looked up into the corner of the room, on the ceiling , like he was focusing on something.. He then turned his head, and past away. I cant get any of it out of my head. I too can talk about it, but then endless thinking is driving me insane. He left behind a wife and two grown children. He will never meet his grand kids.. I will never get to see him as an old man ( he was 48) And of course I keep asking the question as in ' why weren't the doctors able to do anything" like they are Gods.. I know this will take time. But I feel that a piece of me went with him and I will never get it back. Its hard to figure out how to have a normal life after he was ripped from us. I do feel your pain . And I am sorry you have to go through this as well.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

Hi I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to suicide 23 weeks ago on bonfire night. He chose that day and told us to remember him when we saw fireworks. I still am grieving enormously and the second I am on my own the tears just flow and flow. He was 26 and I am 29 we are a part of 9 siblings and it's kind of blown us all apart as we are all trying to deal with it without upsetting my mum further. I feel so guilty I couldn't help him. I don't think we will ever be the same after losing a sibling. I hope however we can live life to some degree of enjoyment again as I am sure that's what they would want. Take your time and grieve at your own pace. I've had people say "are you still upset about that?" Well yes I am because he is my brother and a significant part of me. Take Care xxx

 

Ken M answered...

I am a 47yr old man, married for 25yrs, 3 kids, stable job, etc. I lost my younger (by 3yrs), and only brother over 2 years ago to suicide. I still cry for him. We were very close all our lives. Don't EVER let anyone diminish the feelings you might have from losing someone. Of course its gotten better over time - but in a certain way, I don't ever want to lose the "freshness" of my brother's existence and memory.

 

Ginabono answered...

I wanted to ask, how long does the pain and grief stay? My dear brother Tony has been gone 4 weeks tomorrow and it hurts worse. I can't imagine my life without my sweet brother Tony. When will I feel peace? I'm scared I'll never. He was the only son and in my eyes he did no wrong. I have to respect him and his decision to leave this earth. I need to do that for him. He was the most kind and gentle man, we were very very close and he knew he was, or is, my number one person. I just want to hold his face, put my arms around him and hear his voice. I have been through major depression and my brothers death is and will be the absolute hardest thing I've ever been through. Someone please tell me I'll get over this desperate pain, tell me I'll go on. I just can't see it now. Is it weeks? Months? Years? I only want to be with my Tony again, that's all I ask for.

 

Ken M answered...

Gina - it WILL get better, trust me. My brother and I were very, very close also. We grew up together, had two businesses together and worked in the same office together for several years. We spent a lot of time together. I feel like he was the only person who really 'got' me. We shared the same humor, likes/dislikes. We liked the same music and had so many good childhood stories and times. We come from a very close family and nobody knew what he had been going through - some legal trouble. He was a very good person/man and helped so many people. He had several rent houses. He told me of multiple times where he forgave rent for multiple families during tough times for them. He loved life and loved people. It has been a little over 2 years since his passing. I'm a grown man and just before the 2 year mark, I finally got to the point where I would go a full week without breaking down in private over it. In one way, I didn't want the freshness/hurt/pain to go away - because I felt it would mean his memory was fading. But, I've learned now that his memory/presence doesn't leave at all. I'm just able to cope with and accept it. Its easier now. I'm not a religious person. Actually I kind of despise man made religion and the whole church thing, but, this has caused me to question our existence, creation and eternity. More than ever, I now believe we were created and that our soul/spirit exists outside of our body. I KNOW I've gotten messages/word from my brother. But that kind of talk can freak people out if they haven't considered things like that. Anyway, hang in there and stay strong. I honestly believe we will be with our brothers again once we live out the rest of our lives here on earth!

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

My brother who happened to be my best friend died totally unexpectly Easter morning he just turned 60 years old . We go on vacations just the two of us (no other siblings) we run a family business together. How can I bury him tomorrow? I need him

 

shakergirl7 answered...

Gina I am approaching the 6 month mark of my brother passing away and it still hurts like it was yesterday and I cannot imagine a time when it won't hurt BUT you have to go on and I am starting to smile and laugh again. I am currently planning my 30th birthday and it's horrible knowing he won't be there but he will be in spirit and I can't change it so I am learning to live with it. Give yourself time to grieve it will be a while before you feel life can continue. It has changed forever but you will be happy again just not in the same way. Take care xxx

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

It's hard' very hard' I lost my Oldest Brother couple weeks ago' I try my Best to hold unto my faith in GOD' Because He is the only one Who can keeps me strong.

 

prietoheaven66 answered...

My brother passed away Feb 23, 2014 he was 47 years old. Its been only four months but its one of the hardest thing for me. I think about him every second of my life. We are a family of ten 5 girls and 5 boys. I don't think I can ever recover from his death I miss him so much. I have depression anxiety asthma. When I think about that day he passed my chest starts to ache and I cant breath I just want to throw up I cant live without him, I miss him so much why him why he was my everything my brother.

 

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Really sad sister answered...

I feel all your pain. My only and baby brother was shot and killed in a stupid senseless robbery 5 months ago today. They killed him on purpose because he tried to fight them and stop them from hurting his friends who were in the same house. He was the only one who was shot. I think I am still in denial. My second daughter was born 2 months after he died. I am so angry with him for trying to be brave. I wish he hadn't been. The last time I saw him was in December 2months before he died when he came over to say goodbye to our dad who also died suddenly. My mother and I are left trying to keep each other going. I feel so alone and lost as well. Siblings and parents are the only ones who know pretty much everything about you and will still love you no matter what. And now 2 of my 3 have gone. It's the shittest feeling ever. Strength and love to you all. I have no idea how life goes on but it seems it does.

 

Roisin mcelroy answered...

My brother died a year and a half ago.. He went camping with his mates and fell off a cliff, drunk. The pain I am going through is unBareable. I feel like sometimes I am going insane. I feel sadness one day then guilt then anger. I don't know if I will ever get over it. He was only 20 years old. My big brother. ????

 

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itorres answered...

I am the person who asked the first question and created this post almost 6 years ago. I was so young and hurting so much! Over the years I have been reading your submissions and they have helped me in knowing that I am not the only one grieving for a brother. I have accepted my brothers death after all these years. The first two years after his death I was severely depressed I cared about nothing my marriage was falling apart and I wasn't giving my daughter the attention she needed. I finally one day fell to my knees and asked god to help me. From that day on I have lived my life through god first and he has helped me heal. He has also helped me smile again. I will never forget my brother and I think about him everyday and I can't wait till we meet again.

 

Ken M answered...

Thank you for that post. My younger brother committed suicide 2-1/2yrs ago at age 41. He was my best friend. I'm just now to the point of "maybe" accepting the fact. But, I still cry. I'm not religious at all, but, do believe in a Creator/Maker/supernatural Being, and that we all live inside our bodies. I believe our bodies are only a temporary housing for our eternal existence and that I'll be with my brother again. Thanks, and stay strong.

 

Sadshan answered...

My 32 y/o sister died 3 1/2 years ago from texting and driving. I can't seem to move on, I dwell on the sadness of how much I miss her. So much I wish I could have said to her as she took her final breath, at the very least told her how much I Loved her and how proud I was of her. But she died alone. That hurts and haunts me to this day. She was my baby sister, a happy, always bubbly person that loved being around people. And then to die alone? Why?? I hate to think, and try not too, what her last thoughts were. I'm the oldest of 3 girls, I looked out for my sisters, tried to help or fix whatever mess they got in to. No matter what I do, I can't fix this, it is forever, and it happened in the blink of an eye. One minute she is living next door to me,and running to Starbucks. The next minute she is gone forever with no warning and no final goodbyes. I just want to be happy again.......

DONT TEXT AND DRIVE, IT CAN WAIT!!

 

Marraewarner answered...

My brother passed away 2 weeks ago from cancer. I was there with his wife and his girls. I had my hand over his heart when it quit beating so I could let everyone else in the room when he was gone. I have been through this experience before almost 2years ago with our dad. And my son is getting married on the 23rd of this month, and I got an email today saying that I have to get over it. And everyone will never forgive me if I bring doom and gloom to the wedding. How does she know what i am feeling?

 

Really sad sister answered...

Marrae, I am so, so sorry to hear of your brother passing away. And in such an emotionally charged way. It's 6 months on the 22 this month since my baby brother was killed and 8 months since I too held my dad's hand while he died unexpectedly. Nobody can know what you are going through or feeling. Your son's wedding will be such a bitter sweet day for you and nobody has any right to try and tell you how to deal with it. I truly hope and am sure that you have family and friends who will understand and be there to support you no matter how you are on the day. My second baby girl was born 5 weeks after my brother was killed. People kept saying how happy I must be, how strong I must be for the baby. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry - I will never be truly happy again. My best friend has gone! I still feel that way sometimes. Often. But when life is busy and carrying on you do just somehow move on through it. Weddings are such emotional times anyway, I absolutely feel for you and hope that you will be able to experience it for what it is - incredibly happy for your son and his new wife, but also terribly sad time for all of the family who will remember and sorely miss your brother for always. I really am in no position to advise you but maybe if you have a chat with your boy beforehand, he will be able to reassure you that however you are will be ok. I wish you all the best for wedding day and the weeks ahead and am sending you so much love. Be kind to yourself, Bron xxxxxx

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

My brother Bill died almost three years to the day and I still miss him very much. He was my only sibling. It is amazing how it changes everyone. It seems like we are still fumbling around in our own personal grief. It chAnges the who family dynamic. We were all very close. We traveled together as a family even in our into our adulthood. I have heard someone describe siblings as first friends. And I would say it is true....in the back of your mind you know they will always be there when you need them. People come and go but your family will love you no matter what.

I am sorry for everyone's loss. It is a very lonely feeling

 

Johns sister answered...

Hi My darling brother died January 17th 2014 He was 58 years of age Iam 59 He had been SO ill for three years[throat cancer]and when his darling wife died suddenly in2013[pancreatic cancer and died within 2 weeks of diagnosis]the fight seemed to go out of him I was the ONLY family member he acknowledged following a HUGE fallout many years ago I am finding the loss of him unbearable as the rest of the family feel bitter that he refused to make up even when he was so ill and i feel SO alone as they say why should they grieve for someone who said hated them all! He left a letter for me as he knew his days were numbered and it has just made the other family members even MORE bitter! I cry alone and miss John every minute of the day This is SO hard greiving alone it really is When my lovely dad died we all grieved as a family and it really helped pull us all through the dark days

 

Saucylou answered...

I feel everyone's pain, as my brother died on 26th august 2014 :-( he went to work and told his work mates he didn't feel well and then he collapsed and that was it, he was gone :-( he died of a major heart attack :-( he was only 39 :-( he was fit n healty and had no illness or anything, I feel angry, bitter, annoyed, frightened, alone, scared :-( we were really close, we went out drinking together, walks with the dog, he always talked to me about mates who [word removed] him off. He left behind his 13 year old son, brother, sister (me), mum and dad. He was taken to soon :-( xxxx

 

100% helpful
Sheike answered...

I'm really glad that I found this site. While I'm trying to be strong for my parents, I've come to realize that I am still experiencing a lot of pain. My baby brother was murdered on August 10, 2014. It was a case of mistaken identity, but like another poster said, the friends he thought were real friends, were actually the ones who cause his death and it really hurts because he was innocent. My brother was hanging out with a group of his friends and as the gunman approached they all ran. My brother slipped and fell, and the shooter used that opportunity to stand over him and shoot him at point blank range. After he was killed, it was noted that he wasn't the intended target. His killer is still at large. He was 23 years old. Some days I still can't believe it is true. As the oldest sibling and only girl of four, now three, I feel a heavy responsibility to maintain a sense of stability for my other brothers and parents. A tragic and unexpected death is very hard, and i'm hoping that my wounds will heal with time. There isn't one day that I don't think of him as he depended on me for guidance and direction. His girlfriend was and still is expecting at the time of his death, and so there is some solace in meeting his son that will be here soon. I know it will be bitter sweet because he would have been celebrating his 24th birthday this month, but we'll now be celebrating the birth of his son in the same month, could even be the same day, who knows.

 

100% helpful
Ken M answered...

Thanks for sharing, Sheike. How horrible about your little brother. I'm so sorry. Its good of you to try and be strong for the family, but, you do have to take time out for yourself. You have to confide in someone for yourself. I imagine, if the truth be known, each person in your family is thinking the same thing... that they have to be strong for everyone else. Don't hold back talking and crying about it with them. It does actually help. In two months, I will have lost my little brother three years ago. He committed suicide by gun. He was 41yrs old at the time. He was an accomplished IT professional, a very hard working guy and had purchased several low income rent houses on his own, fixed them up and rented them out. He was a wonderful person who everyone loved being around, with quick wit that couldn't be matched. He was dealing with something that he was embarrassed and ashamed of and for which he was going to be put into prison for. None of his friends or family knew. I still cry nearly weekly for him. I hurt for the turmoil he was in and the loneliness he must have faced in dealing with things on his own. Anyway, I'm glad you will be around to be in your brother's kids life - and to tell them about their dad later on. Stay strong, but, let it out. I think the best advice I can give is this. When you have a good day, take it. Don't feel guilty for having a good day without pain over your brother. Because, more days will come that aren't good. When you have a good day, take it.

 

Sheike answered...

Thank you Ken M for your reassuring words. I'll remember to take the good days. Its true that some guilt overshadows those would be good days because I feel that he was so undeserving of the way he died, but yet I must face the stark reality that life must go on and will go on with or without me. Your advice was appreciated.

 

 
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