When Am I Going to Be Able to Stop Grieving and Start Feeling Better?
It depends. There are a number of factors that might contribute to how long it takes to feel better again. The most common include:
*The quality of your relationship with the deceased.
*The amount of personal or vicarious trauma associated with the loss.
*The extent of unresolved issues in your relationship with the person who died.
*Your role in dealing with the aftermath of the death.
*Your willingness to address your grief rather than avoid it.
Bear in mind that bereavement is a process. Acute grief may last quite a while, and that's normal. More often than not, those who try to force themselves to "get over it" quickly are unsuccessful. Try to avoid this unrealistic expectation by being as patient and gentle with yourself as possible.
You may start to feel better in three months, but don't be surprised if you're still miserable, at least some of the time, several months to several years after your loss. The average length of time it takes most people to consistently feel better is about a year. However, it's also common to feel better for a while and then take a turn for the worse. That can be triggered by events such as special holidays or occasions that have a particular association with the person you've lost, especially the anniversary of his or her death.
A relapse of acute grief can also occur somewhat out of the blue. For example, on any random day you may find out about someone who is battling the exact same cancer your loved one had -- and this might trigger your feelings of intense grief all over again.
Finally, some people never really feel better. As they attempt to adjust to life without the person they've lost, they find it virtually impossible to derive joy again. Sometimes this takes the form of clinical depression, which can be treated with medication or psychotherapy that may mitigate the intensity of grief symptoms. For some, the inability to reengage in life results in suicidal feelings or attempts. I mention these possibilities not to scare you but to underscore the value of getting help if you need it.
Many forms of help are available. Sharing your emotional pain will likely help you process it and also help you recover from the disabling parts of grieving. If you're fortunate enough to have supportive friends, family, or community to turn to, take advantage of that. If not, or if you'd prefer to speak with someone outside your circle of support or trust, consider pastoral or mental health counseling or a grief support group to help you work through the myriad feelings that you're experiencing.
For the type of person who just doesn't feel like talking about feelings at all, the two most reliable activities are vigorous exercise and creative expression. When spirits are low, it can be very hard to find the motivation to take on either of these activities, but the payoff is worth it. It's usually best to start with something that you've already done, so you're less likely to resist the activity. For example, if you're already a knitter, consider knitting a memorial scarf or hat. If you're a runner, you may want to commit to three runs per week. A knitter will have a harder time getting started with painting, and a runner will be less likely to launch a rowing campaign -- at least at the beginning.
However, you may also find that new activities beckon. Many grievers are drawn to gardening for the first time, for example. Notice which activities hold your interest even if you're experiencing poor attention span, a classic symptom of grief. It's entirely possible that these whispers of interest are pointing you toward activities that will help you heal.
The tricky task here is to engage actively in your recovery process while simultaneously trying not to force a speedy recuperation. There's no blueprint that fits every griever. Make yourself the architect of your new life and start drawing up plans -- even if you feel you haven't the energy to do so.
It is exactly what I expected, nothing more, nothing less. It IS an awful struggle to me having lost my TRUE "soul mate," I believe, but I do believe that he would want me to continue on with my life, no matter how miserable am so that we CAN & WILL be reunited again some day to live out eternity together.
At any rate, it is just soooo hard for me b/c I have no one in whom I can confide other than someone that must be paid to listen to me.
Thanks anyway.
-Cyndi/barneybutt@hotmail.com
There is no predictable timeline as the change has to come from inside you. And don't be surprised if your life changes are all over the place and you have conflicting emotions too - that's normal.
Utilize your support network of friends and family fully. If you don't have any, then you can go to support group meetings, attend centers where the focus isn't on grieving but you'll make new friends of which many will understand your circumstances because they've been there too. You can pay to see a therapist for a while to develop some better coping skills too.
Don't neglect your health - eating a nutritious diet and getting exercise. If you don't, your body and mind won't have what they need to help you move forward.
Change one room in the house. Remove some things, paint, move furniture, make the room more of what you would like. When ready, tackle another.
Make a list of things you've wanted to do but either didn't have the time or never got around to it or didn't do because your spouse didn't like it. Once you make your list, try to implement one of them regulary and take pictures of you doing it, start a scrap album of your adventures, talk to your deceased about what you are doing, meeting new friends who like to do these new things. Example, I finally took an adult ed watercolor painting class and now have most of a room dedicated to doing it. I decided to try horseback riding again, sailing, skidoos and other things.
You'll gradually create your new life but it won't happen until you take action steps. Grief is ok but you still have to move on and only you can make that happen.
I am 76 years old and in November 2010 I lost the love of my life when he was 82. I read about all the usual remedies for dealing with grief, but at my age, I find it hard to figure out just what I really could or want to do. I was pretty independent during our long (56 years) marriage and I'm not falling apart due to having to make all decisions, handling bills, etc. that many widows face. But the finality of his death, the memories of all we had together just overwhelm me at times. Music that we enjoyed over the years just brings on more tears. Dining out with family when he's not among us is almost unbearable. I just don't know what or how to get on with whatever time I have left. Taking it day by day seems like a waste, yet I have no real interests anymore. Any suggestions?
My mother fought with me (loudly) at my sisters bedside immediately upon my getting there but just hours before she passed,I fled and did not return. It's always fight or flight for me with my mom. It got heated and I could not quiet her or get her to leave the room, Mom is 82 and was seriously enmeshed with my sister who had CP. I was very angry with my Mom that she kept me from saying goodby that night. But after a month of self help, I forgave my Mom and more importantly myself and I allowed myself to grieve and be grateful, that I got the best of my sister. I was there for 6 weeks prior during the weekdays fighting to get comfort and hospice and meds to my sister (Mom was reluctant). FORGIVENESS = a better healing process.
This is gonna sound bad. . . but I believe when we loose someone we really love we greave as long as we live.............. thats a referance to my mums death If we were in a love hate relationship and the relationship lasted 10 years we greive that long again........... thats a referance 2 my 7 year marrage and love that lasted 10yrs It takes a long time 2 process all the stages of grief and loads of time 2 come 2 terms with the loss. MEMORIES. . AND IF POSSIBLE TRY LETTING GO of our attachment 2 a possitive outcome. like.............LIFES NOT FAIR..............MY MUM PASSED AWAY FROM LUNG CANCER! She was just 70 years old. Had never smoked a day in her life. No -one elce in the family did either ................Mum and Dad had gone overseas back home 2 Croatia 4 a holiday............. and family reunion 4 mums big brothers 80th birthday............. 1 month after getting there she was in hospital.......... They susspected she had water round her heart...........A smarter Dr said go home now. 2 months before she died she had a diagnosis............Mum Had cancer in her lung, throut and heart...........a rear fast moving cancer...... she had done loads of tests before leaving NZ because for the last year she had this tickly throut that she just coulnt shake and couldnt stop coughing. . .one of the tests was the swallowing camera kind. . .if picked up nothing. neither did the dr who perscribed her asthma drugs and xrays. . . . .he saw nothing wrong..IT WAS A SHOCK. . . I NEVER EXPECTED MUM 2 DIE SO YOUNG AND QUICKLY AND IN SUCH AWAY........ I WAS COMPLETELY IN DENYAL 4 FAR TOO LONG... I refused to believe it . . . .saw my mum as bullet proof THERES NOT MUCH I CAN DO ABOUT THE PAST..... (But I am now a hospice volinteer and have trained in palliative care and nurturing touch massage. . .so I can be a comfort and a service to people who are dying and there families. And provide the same kind of support for the special needs people and families that i work with in my usual roll as a home support worker) .. . .SO I GUESS MY WAY OF GREIVING IS. . . .Getting Mad then Sad then GETTING INTO ACTION. . .GUESS I GOT THAT FROM MUM.............. I miss her. love you mum . you never ever thought of youself first. thanks 4 not dying on my birthday but the day b4. you always loved everyone tooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. there is no beter mum in the world............. then you were 2 me sorry for ever worrying you xxxxxxx ooooooo God help us. Lord Hear our Prayers
As a former professional Cemetarian / Family Service Director, I offer the added perspective on grief from this aspect. The impacts of grief can be eased by arranging for cemetery property & services IN ADVANCE. The same for any funeral choices & for disposal of the remains. In advance, two advantages: 1) clearer thinking of individual choices 2) less confusion / cost - to make numerous decisions while in a grieving, confused state. Unfortunately, most Americans are over-dependent on institutions to make care-decisions, or just wait until a death occurs before making choices for themselves or their loved ones. The result? Higher costs (discounts on cemetery property/services only available IN ADVANCE of need) - & funeral directors COUNT on AT TIME of need to have families spend so much more in a daze, without time to plan/think. FD's have been known to talk grieving widows into buying brand-new suits for interments!
As some of the others have stated, grief is a very p[ersonal thing and there is no single answers. BUT, there are things that you can do. Get some grief counseling....your local Hospice program most likely can help. Join a group, you're not the only person going throught this...talking to others can also help. Many people have let their grieving go on too long by not facing the issue and working on it. Like many other personal problems, ignoring it will not make it go away, and, dealing with the grief issue will make you feel better.
Mark Rosenberg
Grief is sly and spiteful. You cry until you think the river is dry and then it lowers itself again, like a boulder, onto your chest and steals your breath. The years passed and I tucked it away and moved on, but sometimes on a long quiet journey, when the music ends, it invades my thoughts and can still steal my breath.
We were both young, he had just graduated law school and less than a year later was killed in a drunk driving accident. The worst thing was coming home and the house was dark. I've lived and loved since then and have a wonderful son. It's a life seperate from the one I have now but seems to run parallel except it stops abruptly. I still wonder about what might have been and always feel a little sad. I accepted his loss and no longer grieve in that sense of the word but I always feel sad when the memory gets revisited. Does grief ever end or do we just get comfortable with it?
I lost my soul mate 12/18/09. I didn't follow the so-called steps of grief. I'm blessed to be a strong, take charge person. But don't get me wrong . . . not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish he were still here. My biggest regret is in not talking to him more when he was on his journey. I think I felt that I would be interrupting. Now I wish I would have. My only solace is that he knew how much I loved him, and the care I gave him in his final days. My saving grace is my online journal. My friends and family always knew I could write, but they've been amazed at what I've written in the blog. And it really HAS been a blessing. Many (some strangers) have told me how much it helps them, and others are thankful for the 'preparation' for when their time comes to deal with it. The journal isn't all about the loss, but my growth resulting from it as well. Feel free to look at it, but try to go back to the beginning, Oct. 2010, and read forward. www.kathy-graceunderpressure.blogspot.com Some just do not get through their grief, but it's possible . . . if they WANT to.
You have to grieve to heal and it's a journey only you can take. But if you take the time to grieve and heal you will find that your life can be filled with blessings. You will start to follow your passion and find a purpose but first you have to grieve to heal. I healed by talking to other widows and putting their stories in a book called "The Sisterhood of Widows". I learned from those that had already taken the grief journey.
Mary Francis
