Question
My mom refuses to bathe, even though she's able to pitch in. Her listlessness makes me feel so helpless and frustrated. What can I do?
— Anonymous Caring.com community member
Answer
Expert
There's always a reason behind decisions made by older people, especially when it comes to personal care.
Start by asking your mom what's going on. If she doesn't give you a clear answer, consider the type of bath she's getting. Is it a bed bath, a soak in a tub, or a shower? Then consider her condition. Can she stand or sit? How are her balance and mental status? Does she need much assistance? Could she be afraid of falling?
Fear of falling is one of the main reasons elderly people hesitate to take a shower or bath. Getting in and out of a bathtub, in particular, can be challenging. Making sure that your bathroom is safety-proofed will give your mom reassurance. But you may need to turn to a bed bath instead.
Allow your mom as much control over the bathing process as possible, such as deciding the time and type of bath. Older people often feel that their caregivers treat them like kids, so they choose not to cooperate.
Is your mother modest? This doesn't disappear with age. You can accomplish most of a bath while keeping her covered with a towel, lifting it section by section to wash discreetly underneath.
If your mom is mentally competent and thinking clearly, she has a right to refuse to be bathed. Your task then is to win her over by making her as comfortable as possible, allaying her fears or hesitations.
If she has dementia, you may just need to be firm, establishing a structured bathing routine and sticking with it. You can be firm and friendly, bathing her quickly with as much tenderness and reassurance as you can, explaining what you're doing along the way.
People with Alzheimer's or dementia can be fearful of the sound or feel of running water. Try running the water before your mom gets into the tub or shower to get her used to the sound. Using a handheld shower hose, introduce water slowly, body part by body part, with a gentle spray.
Finally, don't make a big deal out of refusals -- you can always wait for a time when she's more in the mood. If her listlessness continues, though, check with her doctor to rule out more serious causes.
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My Mom is 90. I am her caregiver.? We live in an apartment. Mom moves around the apartment quite well without her walker. She uses it when she goes for her walks & to the doctor.
Before she came to me she was very depressed and her personal hygiene habits were not what they should have been. Also, the woman taking care of her was not doing what she should/could to assist Mom.
Since she has come to me she is taking a shower twice a week and I'm working to get it to three times a week. She is very afraid of falling. She broke her left leg four years ago and has a metal rod in the upper leg.? Unfortunately it is next to impossible to find a apartment with a stand alone shower. So, there is a grab bar in the tub, another on the wall just outside the tub and I installed an over the side of the tub grab bar.? She has a removeable seat inside the tub and one of the foot massaging bath mats. They look kinda of like fake grass.
I help her stand and sit in the tub. She does most of the washing. I get only the places she can't reach well.? I handle the getting wet and rinsing off.
Try closing the door, Mom gets cold very quick.
Try to keep it lite. After her last few showers Mom didn't want to be lotioned. I told her is skin is now so dry she looks like a lizard, and after her next shower I'm going to grease her up and take her to the care wash for a hot wax to seal the lotion in.
I let her know I enjoy combing her hair after her shower.? Try different things.? However, if the listlessness continues, please take her to her doctor.? If/when you do, you may want to leave the room and let them talk alone.
Good luck and God Bless
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