How do we resolve a dispute over inheritance of Mom's rings?
If your mother’s will specified only that her property should be divided among her children—a common provision for parents who live and die in hope that they’ll all get along peacefully—and left no specific direction for who gets the rings, then you must wrestle over how to distribute them.
If your mother’s will named only her children as beneficiaries, then her granddaughter has no true legal claim on the ring. But it sounds as if the family is getting hung up on the “he said, she said” nature of the alleged promises for the ring, so that is what matters.
You might try calling a family meeting to solve the standoff; it sounds as if you’ve all been able to behave quite chummily about all matters except for this last one. How you ultimately resolve ownership of the rings is limited only by the imaginations and flexibility of those involved. And bear in mind that another subterranean goal is to have the family members speak to one another some day; you really don’t want them going to their own graves in a snit over this.
If worst comes to worst, one resolution would be to sell off the rings—and divide the proceeds equally among the five children. That takes care of it, but has the unfortunate effect of putting the rings out of the family—and those things are likely to have even more sentimental value than monetary worth.
Some other possibilities:
- The granddaughter and daughter could share custody of the rings; one would get to have and hold them on alternate years, for example. Could help build in a sense of fun and sharing—if there’s fun and sharing to be had.
- The daughter could have legal ownership of the rings during her life—and agree to leave them to the granddaughter, her niece, when she dies. This might work especially well if there is a large age differential.
- The two could draw straws for ownership. It is harder to hold a grudge against the determining straw than it is to begrudge a human.
The rings can be appraised and the daughter and sister can pay the other family members for them.
This very thing happened in my family...My Grandmother (who I cared for in my home) did not tell us what to do with her engagement ring. It is a beautiful small solitare diamond. It is not large, but beautiful. EVERYONE , my cousin my Aunt , my sister, in my family had an opinion about who should have this ring. My Father (Grandma's only surviving son) had to hear all these opinions, he got frusturated and the little ring sits in a box in my Mom's dresser drawer. My parents now 82 and 84 have never told me what to do with the ring so I may have to have this discussion again when they are gone.
My mother was the eldest daughter and inherited her mother's wedding ring and diamond. As the only daughter, my mother gave me those rings years ago (when she was in her 80s) when she emptied the safety deposit box. As the only daughter, I will inherit my mother's rings.
As I have no children (and I think even if I did) and I view my role as holding these rings "in trust" so that they can be passed on to the "right" recipients down the line.
My niece--the only female in the next generation--is getting married soon, but her fiance already purchased her a very different type of ring. Besides, she is very disorganized and loses things easily.
For these reasons, I'm waiting for the next generation and/or I will leave the task of passing on these rings to my brother. We are agreed that the rings should be kept in the family.
Thankfully, my Mother gave me her jewelry prior to her passing with the exception of two rings. One went to my brother (prior to Mom's passing) - the other was to go to the third sibling "if she behaves herself". My brother (Executor) gave the ring to the other sibling (after Mom's passing - she wouldn't come see Mom even after being told Mom was "terminal" (her social calendar wouldn't allow it). He was hoping the "jester of giving her Mom's ring" would ease the third sibling and avoid a lawsuit! We are still in Court - yes, she did file a lawsuit! I want the ring to be appraised and divided among the 3 siblings! (She definitely didn't "behave herself") We all knew the third sibling would be filing a lawsuit!
In Mom's Will, it stated "to be divided among the siblings in equal shares" OR "if they cannot decide, my Exector will have the final decision". Since it wasn't received prior to Mom's passing, it is part of the Estate - but the attorneys keep "skirting the issue". Mom's Executor unexpectedly and shockingly passed away before we got Mom's Estate closed!
Is this part addressed in your Mother's Will? Check it out!
Sending hugs and prayers - it gets so difficult when family members turn into "creatures" no one recognizes!
Just a note to let every know how this was settled. The estate lawyer advised to get the rings appraised and sell them as it was part of the estate that should be divided among all five siblings. No one wanted to do that. But another sister had a great plan which was agreed upon by all. She took the rings to a jeweler. The largest diamond went into a necklace for the niece (brother's daughter) and all the smaller stones were added to a earrings for each of the four daughters along with a small birthstone of the mother and the father. Everyone got something from the rings as a memory of mom and dad. Things are not perfect, but it's not all out war anymore either.
The numerous answers to this question reveal the importance of writing things down before you die. How easy it is to solve these problems for your family while you are alive to do so! In my new book "The Million Dollar Dishrag-An Effective and Powerful Plan to Avoid an Inheritance Battle After You Die" this issue along with other pertinent ones are addressed. Deal with it while you are in control of your family's happiness. Susan Eisen www.inheritanceexpert.com
This is just a version of the eternal crap that continues to bring angst to families once a person dies without being specific. My father, an only child, told me 20 years ago right after my grandmother passed away, that she wanted me to hav her ring, too. She left everything in writing to my dad, an only child, but I was the oldest grandchild, a girl, and the one who was particularly close to her, almost like the daughter she never had. My mother, who is a fairly selfish person, who told me once that my grandmother had "stolen" me from her (she was 20 when she had me and I think really wasn't very excited about the day to day care of a baby nor was she very mature) and also told me that she "never really bonded with me", presented enough of a threat to my dad's happiness that he just gave it to her. He told me that when my mother passes away I would then inherit the ring and, as my parents are fairly wealthy, there would be "enough jewelry to go around" to all of my siblings and me then. The issue for me, particularly right after I lost my grandmother, is that SHE wanted ME to have it, not my mother. The real deal is that she did not write it down.
Over the years I have heard from my middle sister, who is really, along with her husband, a shameless suck up to my parents, that my mother told her that she wanted either she or my other sister to get the ring and NEVER me. My mother and I have never really been close and, having been told and treated, like I am not really on the same status level as her other children, I am positive that I will never get the ring. My mother has also told me at times that she was thinking about resetting it, etc. I know this has been just to upset me. I am now in my 50's. I have some beautiful jewelry that my husband has purchased for me, along with a gorgeous engagement and wedding ring set. I don't "need" any more and I have over time learned to deal with the pain of losing my grandmother, so not physically having her ring is not as painful as it was when I learned so long ago, right after losing her, that I was supposed to have something she wanted me to have and my father gave it to my mother instead. I have let it go and emotionally that's the best for me. I live away from most of my family distance wise, and I know, even if I am 80 and see my sister wearing that ring, it will hurt, because my sister has known from the outset about the conversation that my dad had with me and why he gave it to my mother anyway.
At this point, my husband's only brother has told my husband that he "thinks of mom's money as" his "retirement" and we know he has not prepared for it himself as we have. He lives close by to their mom and although she says she wants everybody to get along she has them both on her accounts JTROS and he basically writes all her bills and controls the checkbook. The minute she would pass away he could clean it out (her house is gone and all the contents sold so there is really at this point no reason for a will). She hates to even discuss that there could be a problem and has brought it up to my husband but is not willing to do anything to change ownership of the accounts to prevent any future issues, My brother in law's behavior and statements have convinced my husband he is planning to take it all and I think he's right.
What we have learned from all of this is to make sure we write everything down that matters to us and make SURE it gets done properly. It may not be what anyone particularly wants or doesn't want, but it is what we want and we will be clear so they can
NEVER be mad after we are gone at each other, or hurt. That is, of all things, the most valuable take away from this issue. Learn from it and do not repeat it.
