How do I get over the pain of unexpectedly losing my 30 year-old daughter?
There are those who say that the loss of a child is the most difficult of all, so it makes sense that you are experiencing incredible pain. In fact, most grieving parents would probably say that you never completely get past a pain like this.
The challenge is to learn to live with your pain, and trust that it will become less intense over time. That involves attempting to stay as present with all of the feelings that are coming up for you.
The mistake many people make is in trying to disclaim or just get over their natural feeling responses to sad events. But attempts to simply get over difficult feelings may actually even prolong them. So, if you are feeling mad at God, or just plain mad, let yourself feel mad. Write in a journal about how you feel, talk about it with other people--especially if you know any other parents who have lost a child--or talk to a religious counselor, such as a minister or rabbi.
Consider contacting The Compassionate Friends, a national nonprofit organization devoted to supporting families in the aftermath of the death of a child. You might also find a book that specifically addresses grief due to loss of a child particular helpful. For example, try When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner.
Here is hoping that the presence of your grandchild helps you sustain your connection with your deceased daughter.
Dear Martha,
The pain you are feeling will never go away, you will learn how to :cope with it". I lost my 17 yr old son 17 years ago and it has not gotten any easier. I went through feeling - if only I had been a better Mom, if only I didn't allow him to go, if only . . .
I too, was so mad - but I didn't know who to be mad at since the driver died as well. The two brothers - one thought my son was next to him in the ambulance but it was his brother. That brother later died years later in a very horrible incident, a crazed person who shot him in a parking lot of a shopping center.
God, I prayed every day - "who can I be mad at for losing my son, my buddy". Months later, I realized that God chose to give His son, then I realized "how can I be mad at God"?
I miss my son every day - how greatful I am that we had family portraits done 2 days prior. My son was my buddy - my daughter has nothing to do with me. She has two beautiful sons but recently told me I wasn't allowed to see my Grandsons! She uses them as pawns. I think it is because of her resentment of her recent divorce and I just happen to be the one to take things out on.
How I wish I could tell you things will be better. The only positive thing I can say is that she left you with the most precious gift, her eight month old child. Take the time to be with the child and Dad, they need love and support as much as you! This child will help heal when you play, read a book, or whatever. Children have a way of taking your complete attention. I raised my Grandsons from infancy to age 3 - it was the best therapy! But that "luxury" is gone since they are older now.
Sending a very tight hug and many, many prayers!
Dear Martha When my son was 16, two days before school was starting for the year, he was hit in the chest while playing basketball and died of cardiac arrest. Death of a child hits hard, really hard. Many families break apart from the strain of dealing with the death of a child. My husband and I were fortunate enough to have the capacity to talk out our feelings and console each other. Some of the things that seemed to give me the most comfort was to write to my son in a journal . Whenever I thought of something that I wanted my son to know or to share with him I wrote to him. After a few years I realized that I had been writing less and less. No, I did not forget him. I was healing and dealing with his loss. At Christmas each year we put a small battery operated Christmas tree at his gravewith decorations that we placed on it to remind us of him. (Invariably the lights last through the New Year when we take it down.) On his birthday we take balloons and fresh flowers to his grave and spend the day celebrating his life. Try to keep the negatives away from your thoughts and memories of your daughter. Those feelings will keep you down and cause more stress in your life. Try to focus on the good things that you remember about her and that wonderful little child that she has left for you to love. Tell her little one how much you loved your daughter and all the fun times that you had with her. Postive feeling only grow stronger and beget more positive feelings. Pray to God for the healing powers that you need. You will find the things in life that make you smile again. Trust me.
Dear Martha, Where do I start to tell you that I do know how you feel. I too lost a child, my 6month old Daughter. She passed from S.I.D.S over 23 years ago. I still have moments of grief especially on special occasions. Several years after her death I was in an abusive marriage and had a miscarriage due to being beaten so badly & was told I would never give birth or conceive a child. Well, they were wrong. I was angry about the loss of my daughter, angry at a man who would beat a woman etc for a very, very long time. The one place I found solace was with God. He never left me, no don't mistake what I say, I left him in anger but he always picked me up. He gave me the courage to leave an abusive relationship. The strength to travel to a foreign country on my own & there I conceived my son. He is now married to a wonderful girl who is much younger than my daughter would be but she is also now pregnant with their first child. They are having a girl :-) I never told my son what his sister's name was as I didn't see the need for him to grieve for someone who passed well before his conception. They are naming their daughter the same name I gave mine so very many years ago. Through God, Peace, Understanding and a feeling of comfort will come if you ask. You can scream at him too ... he understands.
Please let me leave you with this small thought. My Daughter passed over 23 years ago, I still cry ... I know she is with God and that makes me stop crying and celebrating her very short life. Try it honey ... it cannot hurt. Sending Great Big Hugs & remember love the little one she left you. Your grandchild is a gift.
oh boy this is so hard... a child is not to die before the parents ! how u get over this ? i can't tell u , i can and will pray for u for strenght to go on in ure life ! i am sure that's what she would want u to do ! so sweety....even i don't know u ? u are in my prayers and in my heart !
U UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL LOOSING YOUR DAUGHTER. I LOST MY DAUGHTER 3 WEEKS AGO FROM A LONG ILLNESS AND IT IS STILL HARD TO BELIEVE. SHE WAS MY OLDEST AND ONLY DAUGHTER. I HAVE TWO SONS AND I HAVE TAKEN THE LOVE FOR HER AND PUT IT INTO THEM. I TALK WITH HER AND LET HER KNOW I AM THINKING OF HER. THE HURT NEVER GOES AWAY. ONLY A MOM WHO LOOSES A CHILD CAN UNDERSTAND HOW A MOM FEELS. MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY TO YOU ON YOUR SIDS TRAGEDY AND YOUR MISCARRIAGE. I AM VERY HAPPY YOU WILL HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER NAMED AFTER YOUR DAUGHTER. I AM HOPING MY GRANDCHILD WHEN I EVER HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER IT WILL BE NAMED AFTER HER. MOM3
Martha: I can only say I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It is true, no parent should outlive their child. No it is not fair, but life, unfortunately, is not.
My daughter was murdered when she was 22 years old. The killer has never be aprehended. The reason, remains unknown.
I was put on medication by my doctor. I guess that helped, but it does not make you deal with it. I joined every group I could find. There was one grief therapy group that I found only 2 years ago. I wish I would have found this group sooner.
I learned from the group that the loss of a child was the worst loss of all. But, I also learned from the group, I am no one to judge someone's else's loss. The man running the group told me to write a letter to my daughter telling her whatever I wanted to tell her, and tell her goodbye. I did that. I still have that letter. You see, I guess, I finally accepted she was gone.
I would have loved to have a grandchild, but I have nothing of my daughter to hold on to. You do, so cherish your grandchild, you have her to always remind you that you had a daughter.
My daughter was killed 13 years ago. There is not a day goes by that I do not wake up thinking of her and missing her. I do not cry as much as I did, but I do cry, as I am now.
So, besides joining grief therapy groups the only thing that will help is TIME.
Also, to show how crazy I got, and needed love, as I got a divorce, I have 26 dogs. I bought four and rescused l4 from a puppy mill, and then people started bringing me more. They give me such love and I do them. They are my family now.
Try and stay strong. I was angry at everyone, including God, and then one day, I said "I am tired of being angry" and went to confession, as I was raised Catholic.
I wish I could help you. You must be thankful that you have a grandchild, as she is part of your daughter. My daughter and your daughter would want us only to be happy and not cry. Your daughter would want you to be strong for her child.
I have no fear of death, because I know I will see my daughter again.
I will pray for you as I pray for strength everyday and night.
I also keep myself so busy, I do a lot of volunteer work. It does not give you time to think so much.
Our daughter, Kara, died unexpectedly five years ago. She was 31. She was married for 10 years, but they had no children. She was a gifted and talented piano player and musician. Fortunately, our whole family believes in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and heaven, so I have a lot of peace about seeing her again. At first all I did was weep. It was a terrible haunting cry. Gradually, I cried less, but I still cry 5 unexpectedly years later. It is especially hard around the holidays. She passed away on December the 5th. I am blessed to have 2 other children and 2 grandchildren. It is a happy/sad time when they play her beloved piano. All 4 of them are blessed with great talent! I still use medication for depression. I see a therapist and I go to a support group. I have a loving and strong Church Family! My husband and I have many friends who are there for us and that is so helpful. Even in the midst of all these positives I still get lonely at times. I still have her wedding pictures hanging up, even though her husband remarried 18 months after her passing. I still hang her stocking up at Christmas. Santa fills it with canned food for the homeless. I do Volunteer work in a Hospital and at my church, I write in a journal (but not daily), and I think of our family as a family of five! Each day I miss her, but try to do something for me, too. Lean on God, he lost a son, too. Think of Mary as she watched her child die and find comfort in that. Be strong. Keep your sense of humor and don't feel guilty for laughing!
Dearest Renie,
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I just thanked you for sending me a prayer but didn't even realize you and I "wear the same shoes".
My only son, Charles (Chuck, Chuckles, Charlie) has been gone for 17 years this past June. He had just turned 17 in May. He was the most caring, loving, and "best buddy" to so many. For months, I didn't know who to be angry with because the driver also died. All of a sudden one day, I finally realized that God chose to give His son! How could I possibly be mad at God or anyone else for that matter!
I was so lucky to have had family portraits done two days before the accident - they had already been rescheduled 3 times! He was 6' tall and I am only 5' tall. If I needed something up high - he wouldn't hesitate or make me wait for him to help me. To this day, if I think I'm going to climb the kitchen counter - I still hear - "Mom, get the step stool". I literally felt and heard my heart break when told of the accident. There are so many times I feel so lonely, felt so guilty (if only I had been a better Mom, etc) and not only the holidays are hard but so are May and June along with Halloween when we would dress up to scare the older kids!
Dad was gone 6 months later (5 in 9 months - all on my side of the family) - Dad thought Charles was "all by himself". While my brother and I took care of our Mom during May 2005 - Mom gave me two "Words of Wisdom phrases to say daily" - 1) Be strong and stay busy (it's a lot harder than I thought) and 2) Find some Joy in today and if you cannot find it - make it! That meant to make someone else smile, laugh, or help them out - just do something for someone else! That one is the easiest for me. No one knows the pain in my heart for being the sole survivor of my childhood family - Mom said that I was her "emotional child". My brother (called him Bro) was gone unexpectedly 20 months after Mom. I was so numb but then remembered what Mom had told me.
I am so very thankful for this website - it helps me tremendously! It gives me comfort and I hope in time, you will feel the comfort from visiting this website. We are blessed!!
Sending tight hugs and prayers
