How can I convince my hoarding parent to let go of junk?
To decide on an approach, you first need to figure out whether your mother is a pack rat or a hoarder.
A pack rat likes to hold on to things and has a lot of stuff that, to us, may look like junk. But the pack rat can be reasoned with and will eventually understand that she needs to throw some things away.
For a hoarder, on the other hand, every personal object in her territory has special meaning and becomes part of her persona. It's extremely difficult to get a hoarder to downsize at all. They often have obsessive-compulsive disorder and require treatment from a mental health professional.
You can tell the difference between a pack rat and a hoarder simply by looking at your mother's home. A pack rat will have a lot of stuff, but rooms will still function in the way they're supposed to. In the case of hoarding, almost every room of the house will no longer serve its function -- you won't even be able to get into most rooms because they're so crammed with junk. When you suggest to a hoarder that she get rid of, say, that paper bag on the coffee table, she'll become agitated and anguished and offer 22 reasons why she couldn't possibly do that. If your mother is a hoarder, it's best to connect her with a mental health professional before attempting to throw anything away.
If your mother is a pack rat, not a hoarder, give her time to come to terms with the fact that she'll need to let go of some things. Start with what's easiest for her and work your way to the hard stuff. A lot of the resistance she's putting up may be an attempt to keep some control over her situation. Allow her to keep her most prized possessions to ease her anxiety.
Ultimately, your mother will need to come to her own decisions about what to keep in order to feel good about the move. But if necessary, you can call in a professional mover or organizer to help with the sorting process. Sometimes an impartial person who's not caught up in the parent-child dynamic can help get the job done more quickly and efficiently.
Good points re hoarder vs Packrat. We had a short time to accomplish our move, with my father being hospitalized unexpectedly and my mother's health being fragile. My brothers and I chose to pack up the things that required too many decisions for what they could endure and move them into my garage. My parents committed to sorting a minimum of one box per day. It's been 3 months since the move and there are no longer piles of boxes in the house. The garage still needs sorting, but is functional enough to take the time to do it at my father's pace. I admit that I had days of feeling completely overwhelmed, and my mantra became "This, too, will pass." The positive side of this method proved to be worth it. My parents remain in control of what they keep or jettison, have had time and my encouragement when needed with the decision process, and are settling in with more laughter and enjoyment all around than if we had taken the sorting into our own hands. It also helped that we defined the space each of us was to occupy in my house, and they are free to keep whatever they want... as long as it will fit into their space. This agreement has kept it "real" and kept me from feeling pushed out of my home. Our attitude is that we share a home, not that they moved in with me in my home. My primary objective was to facilitate them keeping their dignity as they transitioned this stage of interdependence in life.
My two sisters and I are dealing with a similar situation. Based on the above answer my mother is a definite hoarder with a house that is falling apart. She has already lost her insurance because she won't let inspectors in to get an assessment and we fear the neighbors are complaining which could prompt action from a governmental agency. The last time I was in the house was close to 10 years ago. She claims she is working on it and I believe her but she can no longer tackle the big items like a room that is walkable and instead cleans out and organizes kitchen cabinets. It is out of control at this point and we are desperately seeking advice. She knows it is not good but whenever we try to discuss doing something she shuts down, refuses to discuss and her anxiety level rockets. It has definitely gotten to the point of no return - not sure how much of the house can even be saved which is sad because it was a very nice 4 bedroom house that we grew up in. But of course most important is my mother's health and if we can get this taken care of it will be a huge weight off of her.
We deal with this issue on several levels within my husband's side of the family as well as mine. One quote that made sense to me from some time back is that "when the stuff that reminds someone of people they care about becomes more important than the people themselves, that person is a hoarder". It is a mental illness, which defies reason and logic. My husband's ex wife and the mother of his three grown kids is so bad that she has made a mess of her entire life and home, which she is losing to the bank. Her house is filthy and my stepdaughter won't take her little kids there because she thinks it will make them sick. This woman has a college degree, was a tenured public school teacher and at 62 lost her job because "she didn't like doing the paperwork". She has phobias out the wazoo - bugs, people wanting to steal things from her, what she will eat - the list goes on. No one wants to be "hard" on her and can't understand why she won't do what she needs to do. She has lost all of her social circle, has no income, has drained her home of any worth by taking out loans on it and not taking care of it, and is now buried under her mass of crap while her whole family, which includes my husband and me, worry about her and don't know what to do. The fact is, with someone like this unfortunately there is no nice way to do this. They are ill and in danger and need adult protective services. Our main role in this is to support my husband's daughters in trying to resolve her issues, because she is such a huge burden on them. If it were up to us, we would call the authorities and have her Baker Acted, but we can't do that even though her need is clear. This has to come from her children, who just have a terrible time actually admitting to themselves their mother is such a mess. She has kept every kindergarten paper, every hair bow, every little thing that is somehow "significant" to her, but the children who generated those memories are in their 30's and don't want to be around her! Any rational person would see that the people matter more than the things, but she is not rational. This is something for professionals. I am not sure "pack rat" is a medical term but I know "hoarder" is.
After the above post I wondered if pack rat was actually a clincial term and basically what I read is that actually on it's own, neither is hoarding. It falls under OCD. If that's the case, arent't they both the same thing, with levels of being extreme determining which you are? If so, medication and therapy might be the only solution, right? Thinking about the person I mentioned and really the others in our extended family who tend to "collect" and be emotional about inanimate things are at different crossroads of their lives when it seems to "flare up" the most. But those tendencies are always there. My sister, for example, and her husband have moved twice in the last year due to his job instability and have put so much truly worthless looking stuff in storage "pods", which cost them money they don't have, to keep. Being a person who gets rid of things once I discover I don't need them usually within a year, I cannot relate to their behavior. Also, it doesn 't appear that they will have room for this stuff anytime in the next few years, so they will spend a lot of money keeping it rather than saving for the future with that money, or helping their kids go to school, etc. There is a frustrating element to this that makes me feel "OK, I guess you are going to sink or swim". I do understand needing to help people keep their "dignity" but when they can't navigate real life due to how this weighs them down, financially or physically, where is there dignity anyway? Living in a stinking, dangerous environment doesn't seem very dignified to me.
That's a real problem! 99% you might no be able to convince her! The only way to convince people like this is to not tell them/command them to throw it out or you will be in trouble. The best is to show you are interested with it and you want to see if what are the things you may want to take home with you. I had patient who keeps things that were 40-50 years old documents, newspapers, and tapes and what not.
He got very angry if they tell him that those stuff were already useless. And he told them, who are they to tell him that. Because he believed one day when he gets better he'll get to them and read them, or listen, blah, blah... However, he kept telling me that if anyone will tell him they are interested with his stuff he was very happy to give it to them, because for him those were "golds."
The problem with us people is we get annoyed by some else doing because we thought it is not right. How old is your mother now if you don't mind? Do you think she can outlive you? If she doesn't want to let go, leave it, she got only a few years to live, so make the best of it by not being annoyed by those "precious" positions she got.
I dealt with all these same issues with my mother. She told a Dr. that she would miss her things when she moved into an assisted living-but not the people around her. When she fell and the rescue squad could not come into her living room to rescue her-I told her that we needed to do something. My brother and I rented a storage space for a year and she had to sort through her things there. She did a great job of letting go. We still had other issues and are working through them.
The book that has helped me is called, "The Borderline Mother." It doesn't deal with the hording issues, but some other traits that may be an underlying cause.
