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Can my sister put my mother away in a nursing home without asking the rest of the children?

35 answers | Last updated: Feb 20, 2014
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An anonymous caregiver asked...
Can my sister put my mother away in a nursing home and keep her hidden from the rest of the children?
 

Answers
Caring.com User - Barbara Kate Repa
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Barbara Repa, a Caring.com senior editor, is an attorney, a journalist specializing in aging issues, and the author of WillMaker, software enabling consumers to...
69% helpful
answered...

It almost doesn't matter what is legal in your situation.

It is unclear how or why your sister took the action she did -- apparently, without discussing it with See also:
What can I do if my mom's nursing home is mistreating her and I live out of state?

See all 802 questions about Common Family Conflicts
other members of the family, first. She might have been legally authorized to do so by being appointed to act as your mother's guardian or conservator, for example.

Your biggest problem may be dealing with what sounds to be a huge underlying family feud. Any way you all can sit down and talk about what's really going on -- perhaps with the help of a family mediator? Most communities offer free or low-cost family mediation services -- and they may be worth a try so that you all can figure out how to go forward in some at least semi-peaceful way for the rest of your mother's life.

If mediation doesn't seem practical or possible, consider talking with the ombudsperson or family representative at the nursing home where your mother is currently living. Most such individuals are well versed in handling caregiving problems that are laced with family dynamics.

Any way you proceed to handle the problem, you will need to focus in on what you want to solve and how you can help make matters best for your mother. Do you fear that your mother is receiving substandard care? Do you fret that your sister has taken over too many of your mother's decisions? Do you just want a schedule you can follow to visit or communicate with your mother when your meddlesome sister won't be around? The answers will help shape your solution.

 

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3Generations answered...

I have to wonder how this happened without you knowing, and why you feel like your parent has been "hidden." My parents moved in with me out of necessity several years ago. If my mother passes before my father (she has cancer), I may have to relocate my father to a nursing home because he could be a danger to himself, my family, or my home due to his increasing dementia from pin strokes. While I would never try to hide this decision from my siblings, I do not feel the need to ask for their input when/if my husband and I make this decision. They have contributed little or nothing to help with my parents' care (time, effort, communication, or funds). They have made it clear that they do not intend to ever help more - that it is my problem. That being so, if the day comes that I need to move my father, I see no reason to ask their opinion. If someone wants to have a say in where a parent lives, then they should be involved in their lives and care on a daily basis, or as much as possible. Even if you haven't done this in the past, you could do it now. I'm guessing your parent and your sister would welcome and appreciate it.

 

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elderesolutions answered...

Excellent answer, Barbara! Yes, this sounds like a big family feud. A mediator may be a good answer to resolve the issues (specifically the issue of permitting family members to visit) Please note that there are excellent volunteer/community mediation programs. However, most of them do NOT specialize in elder care. It is important to have a good mediator who also as substantive knowledge when dealing with elder care conflict. Specialized knowledge, such as the availability of a nursing home ombudsman (who may be instrumental in a mediation as a patient advocate) may not be known by a community mediator. Elder mediation is a growing field, full of attorneys, elder care specialists and others who understand issues related to aging, including capacity (dementia), legal issues and community resources as well as family dynamics. Thanks!

 

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Artycraft answered...

I am the sole caregiver for my mom for the past 5 years. I have no help from my siblings. If I need to put her in a nursing home, I have no intention of asking the others for advice. I will not even inform them of my decision. They do not even call to check on her. They expect me to call and let them know when she dies, so they can come and get their share. I have no intention of telling them when she dies either.

 

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3Generations answered...

Regarding the answer from Anonymous, sole caregiver for the past five years: I "get" what you're going through. I'm praying for you. I am there with you.

If you read my response (above), you'll know that I understand what you're feeling. I even asked my siblings to do a "family meeting" about my parents. They declined, and not very nicely.

I agree with you that their disrespect and disinterest negates any "right" for them to judge your care, or your decision regarding care. But I still hope you will talk to someone - professional or otherwise - regarding all of this. It is a huge emotional burden to bear, especially when your siblings are neglectful or worse.

Take care of yourself, and please talk to someone about all of the family dynamics. I did, and it really helped me feel confident and secure about the care and decisions regarding my parents. You are a blessing to them.

I also hope that you are not feeling alone. I felt somewhat alone for the first couple years, especially when my siblings refused to even allow me to vent to them. I was fortunate to have a best friend who works for an eldercare company. Her advice is priceless to me. And she recommended this website to me. Since then, I have read so many postings from people like me -- like us -- that I do not feel alone at all. I hope you don't feel alone, either.

 

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A fellow caregiver answered...

Im in a similar situation where I have been caring for my mother for five years with no help from siblings, and rarely hear from one of siblings, when they do finally visit, Im very agitated for the lack of support or concern until they have a need or problem. I have been considering of getting my mother in to assited living or care center. So I will be able to have some type of life. They simply do not understand how, it would of help, if they were dependable. I have expressed this to them numerous times. Burnout We simply do not get along, and Im ready to move on. As far as letting them know I would in hopes they would go see her. As they tend to want to make me the reason why they're not around.

 

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rellim answered...

Wow, At first I thought my answer may sound a little harsh,to those other "family members", but as I can see by reading , anyone that has been in our shoes has the same opinion as I do! My Dad has been with me over 2 years now, he came to live with me after a house fire, so all he had was some donated clothes and his retirement checks. At first he used a walker, broke his hip over a year and ahalf ago and has been wheelchair bound since then. He has had several mini strokes since being here,( before moving in with me he had had 3 major strokes and several mini ones) his last one was last Sunday. I had to feed him for 2 days, he lost complete use in his right hand and has very little strength in his left.

To make a long story short I have 4 sisters, one use to come about every 6 weeks and give me a weekend off, she hasn't done that since last Sept. One has come 2 times in the last 2 years to give me a night off. The oldest and youngest have not helped care for him at all. My Dads younger sister, who is not in the best of health comes on Wed. mornings to sit with him so I can shop. My sisters rarely call and if they do I have decided I no longer offer information about Dad unless they ask how he is. 3 have internet but don't even send emails or messages saying "Hows Dad!"

So when I have a decision to make about my dad, I make it, I tell his sister, since she does help and leave it at that. If my sisters want to know they can ask. They can pick up the phone and talk to him but no. He has dementia, but if for nothing else call and talk to him to show ME you care, is how I feel about it.

I do have Power of attorney over finances and health issues, and at first I called them about every little decision, but when I told them he had a Doctors appointment on such and such date, they never called to see how it went. So I decided when they want to know something they can call and ask.

So, there is my vent, I don't know what the situation is with the one who asked this question, but by reading the replies, we all assume she is in the same situation we are, and she has my prayers and I say,,, Go Girl"!!!!

 

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3Generations answered...

Regarding the message from Rellim: you are not alone. I hope your siblings will give you some time off. But if they don't, maybe there are community outreach programs that could give you some time off? Or maybe there are friends from church, work, or other places who could help? If not, I know that there are paid services which can help once a week or more often. I will be using one of those for the first time this year, when my family and I go on vacation, because I do not trust my siblings to check in on my parents while we are gone. Last fall, we were gone for a week, and they called, but did not actually come to visit our parents. If they had seen my mother in person, they would have realized she was swelled up like a balloon from her cancer and needed treatment! I won't let that happen again. And I hope you will find the help you need, so that you can get out and have a life of your own - beyond the blessings you bestow as a caregiver.

 

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Mary Ella answered...

I hear where you all are saying but decisions of this magnitude should not be made by one person alone. Sometimes in big families especially, a couple of the children are able to help out financially and they should but maybe the other's have a lot of children to support or financially are not able to help out with money but they do go to visit often and buy groceries and have an interest in the well being of their parent. It's not fair to punish them because of what they can't help. If the case is that they just don't care then I still think they should be told about the move and not have a parent "hidden away". I stand by what I say, you can disagree if you want to but this is the common sense opinion.

 

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croroc answered...

Thanks to all of you for these straight to the point straight from the heart responses. I, too, have a large family, and only one has ever stepped forward to give me a break. I did consult with an elder care specialist. He was helping me to draft a "care plan" that outlined my father's needs. I had him include when I felt I could no longer "handle" the job. I also arranged for him to mediate with the family. I warned him that my family were angry, resentful of me, and in deep denial about my father. He lasted approximately 2 weeks and quit. I was not surprised. As my father's dementia and incontience progress, I will place him in a nursing home. He has requested to go to the VA, which is clear across the state. I think he just wants to be far away, to justify why no one visits him. My 3 sisters all live within 200 miles, 2 within 50, and we see them once a month, MAYBE. I felt bad that I may be being petty, that their lack of support of me or Dad, was fueling my anger. But, they want no part of his life, which is rich in outings,drives, visiting with extended family. I have basically decided not to tell them of any decisions. I have the POA, I am his caregiver, and I do not feel they are warranted any consideration in the matter of our father. They will have to live with their decisions and behavior, as will I. I will sleep at night, knowing that I gave my father many good years, filled with fun, love and caring.

 

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Peacemaker answered...

Being a care-giver is about making some tough decisions that is best for the parent that you are taking care of. I have 4 siblings but only 1 of them cares enough about me to assist me every other weekend with all of the daily responsibilities. What I discovered is that although they all pretend to understand and when I do convey needing some time to myself, no one is willing to sacrifice an hour of their time. I have stopped being angry by asking God to always be a faithful servant so that I can continue to care for my mom while she is in my care. Forgiveness is the key to my sanity. The best thing that I did for me was to bring in paid care-giver to live in my home so that I can continue to work full time. When the time comes to make that decision to place mom in a home, I will let them know and perhaps, they can offer to keep her at that time if they choose to do so. So, at that time I will feel no remorse for the decision that I will be making. Thank God that I am not alone on this journey.

 

Mom's daughter answered...

I have lived with my mother for the past year and a half as she has Alzheimer disease. At first my siblings came once a month or so, but now they don't come and seldom even call or email. At first I was very resentful but this website has made me see that this is very much the norm. I think the "experts" who advise having a family meeting to distribute the responsibility more evenly are not realistic. I am still trying to keep my mother in her home, but if the time comes that I feel the job is more than I can handle, I will seek nursing home care. I also do not feel any obligation to consult my siblings.

 

drama10 answered...

your family can take you parents and put them away or can get the state to do it for them if they think you are not doing a good job or they are greedy. it was done to my family.

 

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Sweetadeline answered...

We are going through a similar situation where my brother has placed our 95 year old mother with Alzheimer/Dementia in a nursing home and will not tell us where. Without going into all the details of our situation, I'll just say he has POA that gives him the right. There is a lot of turmoil in this family because of his emotional abuse and his isolation of her. He abuses the POA!

We all have been a part of my mother's life as with her friends but he isolates her from us. We all have our differences but we all love and want to care for our mother. Maybe some of us could do more~~~but who is he to judge. That doesn't give him the right to isolate our mother from the rest of her children.

With POA the person should be acting on behalf of the loved one and should have his/her best interests at heart. What would your mother want? Would she want all of her family and friends kept away from her?

In my opinion, it's just cruel and unjust!

 

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cageruler answered...

To Artycraft and others who agree base on what you read. There's always 2 sides to everything. I have a 1/2 sister who lives 20 mins away from my mother and has taken care of her ailing father who passed away 7 months of which my 86year 82lb mother was married to for 57 years. My Mother suffers from OCD and has gotten worse, She's never satisfied and very critical. I have always called and wrote my mother several times a week all my life(I'm 58 and oldest daughter). My 1/2 sister and I weren't close and my mother has always been secretive about all aspects of her life. I was called in last week of Novemberby my 1/2 sister that my mother was in rehab after an ankle operation. My sister told me that mother didn't want anyone including me to know of incident, but convinced mother that i should be informed My sister told me my mother was going home 11-26-2010 well 2 my suprise my mother was already in another rehab that same day and not at home. i called and called mother at home for 3 days then finally left message on my 1/2 sister home phone telling her how worried i was that i couldn't grt in touch with mother at her home. my sister called me the next day and told me my mother was at a rehab and provided me with name. I immediately made preparations unannounced to see her Dec 1st 2010. I found out that my mother fell and broke her leg I was lied to by my sister. Futher more during the 3 weeks my mother was a this rehab she was struck by an aid, My sister did not tell me about that incident. I have made 3 six hour trips to visit my mother at rehab and now at her home. My sister has taken care of 2 households for quite some time and feels that having a $15 hour sitter for my mother is a god send for my sister. my sister told me she can't take my mothers's verbal abuse or neurotic behavior. I know when mother can't affor a sitter anymore she'll put mother in a nursing home. I told my sister that this will never happen on my watch. My mothers's behavior doesn't bother me like it does my sister. My sister told me in rehab the day she was discharing my mother "I feel like killing her" That comment scared me but I feel my sister would never hurt our mother. I do not have reliable vehicle to drive 7 hours one way so i have to rent a car over the weekend I live on fixed income I have about $180 after all bills are paid to last me the entire month. I used that money to rent a car to see my mother and plan to see her this weekend coming up. I have been kept at a distance by my mother and my sister says she doesn't want to have any relationship with my mothers side of family. I can't get my 1/2 sister to keep me posted on my mother on a daily basis. How much energy/time it takes to text "mothers doing ok". I'm on record to say I love my mother no matter what's she's done to me or let be done to me. we are all going to grow old and maybe be difficult in our old age. Families should stick together and work. My mothers mind is sharp as a tack but physically she can walk with walker. So if my 1/2 sister would work with me and stay with her at her home she's known for 57 years maybe things can work out . I want my mother to live in her home in peace and not fear my sister is going to commit hear to nursing home. If my mother wants to live whatever time she has left on this earth at her home, then as family we should let this happen barring she doesn't have heart attack/stroke or fall. ya'll think about it b 4 throwing yor family member in a nursing home because your fed up. I have 2 leaking heart valves/high blood pressure and other maladies but i will travel the 7 hours even just to be a help to her those 3 days.

 

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rellim answered...

cageruler, I am by no means being judgemental in this reply, but as you can see from my previous post our situations are different. I do have a few questions,, 1, Is there a reason you can only stay for 3 days at your mothers. from personal exsperience, that does not give the full time caretaker a break long enough to actually relax. 2 Is there something preventing you from moving closer to , or even in with your mother? I assume since you are on a fixed income you are on disability which means you have no full time job to get back to. To side with your sister, I thought it a Godsend when I found a helper at 10 dollars an hour. I planned to keep her 2 times a week 4 hours each time until my dad ran out of money or passed away, unfortunately he passed away first. You cannot imagine the freedom I felt those 2 mornings a week, I could actually go do my grocery shopping and not have to hurry, or ask someone else to sit with my Dad.I work a full time job also and only have 3 hours off in the mornings. I hope all works out well with you and your mother and sister. I am just thankful and lucky that my sisters never questioned what I did with our Dad, they all knew I would carry out his wishes to the end, which meant his passing away in my home, and I am fine with that. He never wanted to go to a nursing home and I made sure he didn't. At one point I thought I could not handle it amymore and called all 4 of my sisters to tell them I needed help or I would have to put him in a home. Their reply, we will back you on your decision. Not I will come once a month or anything like that. Basically what they were saying if YOU can't handle go ahead and put him in a home. That made me more determined to see it through to the end. And believe me it was not pretty the last 6 months of his life, But i hung in there. I don't know how much contact you normally have with your mother, but if at all possible daily calls would be great. I never understood why my siblings never called more. If you feel you are being a burden to your sister by calling that much, maybe once a week or so would be better. Just a call when things are fine instead of just when they are going bad would show you are interested in daily life. I am speaking from personal exsperience and this is what I wished my sisters would have done to show me and my dad they cared just a little bit. My prayers are with you and hope the best for you. Keep us posted.

 

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cageruler answered...

To RELLIM: I'm so glad u responded to post. Regarding question about staying longer than 3 days. To rent a car (nearest is 30 miles from my home and the only car rental place ) I have to put up cash deposit.of $300/cheapest rental is weekend $103.41 Insurance included. If I rented for week it is $320 plus .20 mile it is 580 miles from my home to my mothers, I ask my sister if I rode a bus to New Orleans would she pick me up( since it would cost $40 plus dollars to take taxi) . Her comment was " NO and I'd wasn't going to suck her in ever again" So that's how I came to the rent a car option. I own my home and have 1 5lb dog and 4 cats that I've had for years. I never been married/no children/no good friends. I was considering bringing my dog and have a acquaintance look in on the cats for that week. This is my whole point, had my sister or mother would not have been so secretive and called me, I could have helped years ago. My 1/2 sister(which I consider as my sister) father (my mother's husband of 57 years died 7 months ago after 57 years of marriage) My step-father beat me when I stay with my mother and step-father. He was an alcoholic and believe or not my mother initiated a lot of these beatings. This was my mother's third marriage and every child she had she gave(dumped) on my Grandmother(her Mother). My Mothers sister did the same thing gave her 2 children to my grandmother to raise. That's why I've always considered my grandmother (died in sleep 1979) as my Mother. Our Mother has cursed us using the most vulgar words. She suffers from OCD all her life and never sick medical help(she always worried what the neighbors would thinks about anything that had to do with her and her family) I know my mothers loves me and my sister(sister has been raised by mother until married). Because of her illness. she's critical, impatient, irritable etc. My mother curses and display this behavior to hospital staff/rehab therapist. I've told Mother she has to treat these caretaker good because some of them may abuse her. Guess what my sister nor mother told me but found out after the fact on Christmas day(2010) that Mother told me she was hit by aid. My sister did not report that to any outside agency but I will, so this want happen to anyone else. The problem I have is my sister heard of lady(housekeeper) that would come and stay with mother. My sister didn't tell my Mother it was at $15 hour. She hired without telling me the charge either. My mother can't afford this. My sister has 2 daughters. I appreciate my sister taking care of her father and my mother. I want to do my part by renting car for $320 plus for week and I know My Mother would contribute. I called this $15 hour sitter and got a hold of mother(mother & daughter both sat for my mother) I can barely understand their english. I wanted to know if they knew CPR or what they offered for $15 hour. To my understanding all they did was walk 20' to frig and get Ensure/applesauce/pudding/cottage cheese/cream cheese/graham crackers/banana/water/milk and place it on TV tray and let her dish out what she wanted and return back to frig. They'd boil water and walk her to toilet for restroom relief. I use to work for Agency and at night stayed up and watch thought out night if client was breathing . These people watch tV past Mother's bedtime and then go to sleep. Some people or sound sleepers(I'm not). I worried that my mother might be in distress. I talked to the mother(Mother's sitter) to ask what she did for $15 hour and I said my Mother hasn't been bathe in 11 days(since she came home from rehab) Her frig is filthy. Her response was Mother didn't want her to do any of those things. What was I suppose to say or do at hearing that. The woman said she and her daughter didn't want to sit for my mother anymore. I know for a fact my Mother is intimidate by my sister. I've seen in last 3 weeks my sister scream in my mother's hear her disproval about things.(if my sister can't find something my mothers wants, she comes back and tell her and then my mother starts fussing at her(saying someone has stolen it/or she's got a record of all her possessions/she's going to call police to report theft etc.) I told Mother no matter how she treats me or my sister we love you and would never steal from you EVER) So both sister and mother are upset that i called sitter and she quit. They just don't include me in anything and the funny thing is I was the one to insist to my Sister that she sign the discharge papers for mother to be released per Dr. order. My sister wasn't going to saying she wasn't ready. My sister just wanted to visit 1-2 hours daily/bring her mail/sign checks then go home and not have to worry. I believe with all my heart she just wants to wash her hand of Mother. Mother has never relied on me for anything, it's always been my sister. I need advice I'm going to text my sister that I want to come stay with my mother for week and see what their reaction will be.

 

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rellim answered...

cageruler, glad you replied and didn't take my response negatively, as you can see I can see both sides to every story. It would be great for you to offer to go for a week, just to see what her response is. I would have gladly driven 30 miles to get one of my sisters to come help with my dad. I understand the problem with the animals too, some animals are just like family. It seems to me your sister doesn't want help or she would have jumped at the chance to pick you up. Sounds like she wants all the "glory" so to speak for caring for your mother.

Alot of people( when they get elderly) start accusing people they are close to of stealing from them. My finace's grandmother did that to him and he was the one that helped her out the most, she also raised him.

And honestly if my Mother treated me like yours did you as a child I would like say, you 2 ( your mom and sister) have it, and just let it be. But it sounds like you are alot like me, want to do the right thing even if it hurts. I am sorry you had to go through your childhood as you did. Probably why you never married, didn't trust men and can't say that I blame you.

As for the sitters, I don't blame you for calling to find out what they offer for 15$ an hour. And sounds like it wasn't much. I do know a lot of older people don't want the hired help to do much, they want to save it for family, I haven't figured that one out. But there are ways around that situation if you are good hired help. I worked for and agency for the elderly and did everything I could think of for them. I also work for United Cerebral Palsy so know what "CARE" is. When one of my elderly patients didn't want me to do something on the list I would tell them their son/daughter wanted me to and they would usually let me. I had one client that anything she thought her Doctor wanted done was just fine, so her family said if she gives you any trouble just tell her Dr so and so said it had to be done.

This may not have been much help but I wish you the best in whatever happens.Keep me posted. Rellim

 

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cageruler answered...

TO RELLIM: Tks 4 responding 1-2-2011 I just text my sister to tell her I wasn't abandoning my Mother. I want to come and be with her, so I was going 2 call her and ask if I could come 1-7-8-9-2011. I told her I wanted to stay for week ( I could get rental car extended for other 4 days). My Mother's "I don't want anybody around me for that long" (I guess paying $15 hour that she can't afford to sitter is better than not paying and have me-her own daughter to attend to her needs at no charge) Before I made contact with my mother i of course text my sister of my intentions and I'd be calling her home then her cellphone. Well mother didn't answer her home phone nor her cellphone. I left message that I wanted to come visit her and if she didn't allow me or call me every now and then and let me know how she was doing, I would call agency to come by her house to check on her(since my 50 year old sister refuses to communicate with me. I don't hate anyone on this earth, one cannot call themselves a Christian and believer in God and have hate/hold grudges. Remember at one time 30 years ago I hated my Mother and especially step-father(my 1/2 sister's daddy(mothers husband of 57 years that died 7 months ago). I was beat for years by him(alcoholic) that left scares on me physically and mentally) I have only one Mother and have always wanted her love and approval and never got it. I have yet to be hugged or kissed by my mother in 45 years(this is the God's truth) Every time I was with her (funeral etc) I'd huge her and beg her to hug me or kiss me on cheek, she never did. she'd tell me "cut that out, "get away" My mother must have been neglected by Grandma, something had to have happen to my mother to cause her not to be affectionate. All I do now is Pray Every Day for God to help her Physically,emotionally,mentally,spiritually.In this last 1/2 months God has answer many prayers. I hate getting upset by my sister or Mother(not caring if I came to see her not). I have 2 leaking Heart Value/High Blood Pressure/Anxiety-Panic disorder/recovering alcoholic(quit cold turkey 1995 after 38yrs of beer drinking) and I still want to drive 7 hours in the horrible traffic(everyone speeding/ just to be there for my mother. My mother said I could come visit her this weekend so i will rent car and make the trip to New Orleans and pray that my travel will be safe to and from. Thanks for the feed bacl Rellim Just venting with another human being means a lot. I have to travel 30 miles just to pick up the rental then travel 7 hours to visit mother. I live in 2 signal light town. The vehicle I have isn't in any condition to be used in long travel . My sister text me never to contact her again in anyway and she made sure she told our mother to tell me not to bother my sister again. Anyone else would have have said the hell wirh Mother and my sister. I can't . No matter what my Mother has done. I forgive her, I know she's sick and one day we may be just like her. No one should judge, just be patient.

 

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cageruler answered...

TO ARTYCRAFT 12-2011 I"ll keep u n my prayers. It doesn't matter where siblings live compared to your mother's location. I f all your siblings know where your Mother lives and her health condition, and none of them offer to come stay with her or send there spouses to stay , then shame on them. All your mother sacrificed for them as they were been raised, and now she's needs them, no one steps up to lend a hand in her care. That's outrageous. Like so many they just rely on one caregiver to do everything and want no part of caring in time of her need but, can't wait for reading of the will. It doesn't matter if your mother is rich or poor. Children should be there to help there Mother or Father. Siblings may not get along or stand to be in same room but it must be understood that an effort to be civil to one another in her/his presence is paramount. I have a 1/2 sister who sees my mother everyday but feels it's a bother to text me that she OK. How long does it take to text "mother had a great night/morning/eating good/ good spirits etc" To me this would be a relief for a sibling to know. Not my sister. (a person has to have part jeffery domher in them not to be considerate/kind/thoughtful) by not letting them know how their mother is. It's hard being 7 hours or even 2,000 miles away from your mother/father that's sick. So , after telling them of your mother's condition and needs, and you need help, and they don't want to step up. Artycraft, hang in with your Mother as much as your mental/health will let you. Remember you didn't fail your Mother, You were there to the end/last option. Based on what you provided I'm posting comment. From Cageruler God is always with you Psalms 91 I love you

 

rellim answered...

cageruler, we need to swap email addresses Mine is Lhurst@flippinweb.com, I would love to be in touch with you and will be praying for you and your family.

 

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cageruler answered...

To rellim 1-4-2011 8:41am Well, my sister has once again text me 2 never contact her again. My mother called me and asked me 2 not contact my sister. I can't take this. I've informed my mother that I could stay a week at a time.She said " I can't take anyone a week" So that's that. She has not offered me a key to her house, she doesn't answer her home phone/cellphone. My sister was the only source of communication. I know my sister saw my number on caller ID of Mother's cellphone and told her 2 call me. I left a voicemail, and shortly after that my Mother called me and said I needed to stop harrassing her and not to contact my sister. It's unbelievable I still want my Mother's love and just keep praying for everyone in my family to love one another and to get along. So far, God's still working on that. I finally sent a 2 page letter telling my Mother that if she needed me to call. I informed her "I Wash My Hands of all This Craziness" and am tired of her and my sister not including me in things. I would only try to help Sister. She puts things off. I get things done. I really resent my sister for not reporting my Mother being hit at the rehab she was in up until 12-20-2010. My sister just want to pawn my Mother's care on high dollar sitters and just to see her 1-2 hours a day. I want to help, I'll drive the 7 hours every weekend to take care of my Mother and give my Sister a break. It's obvious I'm not wanted and it hurts. My sister screams at my mother and I don't like that. I feel helpless. I can't stop my sister putting Mother in Nursing Home. My sister has a short fuse. I know when Mother can't get along by herself and money runs out, that's it for my Mother. My Mother would never let me come stay with her nor would she come live with me. I just realized my step-father (my 1/2 sister Father would passed away 7 months-my Mother's husband of 57 years) reminds me of her Father. He was the one that physically hit me for years and my Mother let that happen and even caused to me to be hit by him. I will continue to pray and hope for the best. I have to worry about my health. It's obvious that my sister and mother's knows how sensitive I am, but still mistreats me mentally and emotionally. Everyone have great day Psalms 91-23. Cageruler

 

100% helpful
rellim answered...

cageruler, So sorry to hear about your Mothers decision. You can rest assured that you have done all you can and God knows the true story. If they refuse help, then so be it. When the time comes and they do need help you will be the strong one and do it even after all they put you through. Sounds like your family has some pretty strong emotional issues. I agree with your decision, just let it go and wait it out, I know that will be hard, but it will be better than the refusals for your attention and affection you are offering. I know that must be very hurtful. I can honestly say I have never been put in that postion, so can only imagine.

Keep your faith in the Lord and keep praying , he will guide you. And Please keep in touch, I feel you need a friend who cares and somewhat understands and I will be here for you.

1/4/2011 Rellim

 

100% helpful
cageruler answered...

to Rellim It would be nice to get feedback from others on this page,Don't get me wrong, I value your advice. I thought this page was for all of us to support one another. Anyhow Rellim, I just found out today that the $15 hour mother/daughter housecleaners who supplement income by sitting has rejoined Mother. I spoke to the Mother and ask what services they were provide for $15 hour. I said my Mothers hasn't been bathe, frig needs cleaning etc. She said tell your sister we quit and there's others who are willing to pay $15. Well I didn't get any sleep just worry and knowing my sister is threatening her if she doesn't get those sitters back. I told my mother if she didn't call me every now and then that I would call agency who checks in on the elderly to see if they are being treated OK. My Mother told me if I did that she never wanted to speak to me the rest of her life. So I told her I wouldn't. I wait now for a call from my mother. I could have been a great help to my mother and gave my sister a break(31/2 days). Since the sitters back she'll have sit all the time $360 a day. I never thought I would despise someone as I do my sister. I'm praying and asking God to help me regarding this newfound feeling. It is beyond belief that a sister would not want to ease the mind of someone by telling them how their Mother's doing. How could I have not put 2 and 2 together.My sister has the same traits that the alcoholic step-father who beat me had. 50 years old married with two children and can display this kind of hatred. We have one life, and should be kind/helpful/caring/loving/compassionate/forgiving/ and non-judgmental. Well looking forward to response Psalms91/23

 

3Generations answered...

So sorry to hear of the family breakdowns. I replied on this question a while back, when both my parents lived with me. My mom was battling cancer then. She lost that battle in June 2010. My Dad's dementia took a steep downhill turn, and he is now in a nursing home - we have 3 children ages 15 and under, and it was an issue of their safety in their own home.

I hope you will make every effort to mend family rifts. My older brother and I healed our relationship while caring for our Mom through her cancer, especially the last week of her life. Our younger brother refused to help or even be there for her death ... and I am not sure how that rift will ever be healed.

Wishing better for all of you. God bless.

 

cageruler answered...

Thanks for the post. I want to be there for my mother 24/7 ,but she doesn't want me. My Mother has never included/shared anything about her life/situations are anything. I was never allow to visit because of my step-father who was alcoholic and beat me, I/m 58 and this happen when I was 10-14 years and my Mother let me get beat. for years I hated the both of them, but through God I gave up the hatred 20 years ago, I've seen my Mother at her home of 57 years about 4 times. All those times I'd have to stay in motel/hotel. My step=father did not want me there. When I'd stay for lunch, my mother would serve me on paper plate/plastic utensils. Everyone else served regular service/plate ware. My mother suffers from OCD and is horrible everyone. I love my Mother and have always begged my Mother for her love. She's not an affectionate person. I guess I'll want her love till the day she's dies. All what she did to me and I still want her love. I've had people to say tell my Mother and Sister yo go yo H---. But I can't, she's my Mother and I'm not like my sister(heartless) My sister refuse to take 20 seconds to text me about Mother after her daily visits. How horrible is that I live 7 Hour drive from my mother. I was willing to drive every weekend(rent a car) to see my Mother. Since my sister text me 2 days ago "don't contact me anymore", and my Mother calling me and telling me to don't contact my sister again the same day. I have heart problems/high blood pressure and the rejection is really taking a toll. I just dread that call "your Mother passes" are something like that. I want to be with my Mother, I don't care how she treats me. I can overlook her illness, She's sick and we are all going to age and may display the same behavior. Thanks for listening I love all of you Psalms 91-23

 

3Generations answered...

I am so sorry, cageruler. I have no answers for you; I have not been in your shoes. From some of my experience, I hope you will not say, "Go to H*#." I hope that instead, you will be able to find forgiveness inside of you. Please, please, look for help with this. Check your local Hospice, Alzheimer's, Dementia, or any local hospital for a counseling/support group. You cannot just hope that your family will "get in line" with your expectations. They won't. That much, I do know from experience. You will have to get support and help FOR YOURSELF, regardless of whether they ever change. You need to look after your own mental health, and that may mean leaving them out, and taking care of yourself FIRST.

 

100% helpful
cageruler answered...

To 3 generations from cageruler 1-5-2011 8:23 If you've read any of my post, they do not contain foul language. I was quoting what some people said to do, I could not bring myself to spell out the word . I appreciate feedback but if I'm to sugarcoat what's going on with my situation then I'd rather not use this site anymore. All my post and been positive about wanting to be with my Mother but no want wants me to. My sister is doing all of the decision making, So I'm helpless. If after reading all my post and you still feel I've offended you then I'm sorry. I have enough to worry about . All the words my Mother called/calls me I didn't use or couldn't abbreviate. If people are to help on this page/site, try not to be keep people from expressing what inside of them, I thought it was important to repeat what some people say when I told them what I was going through. By the way 3 generations that quote was from Baptists christians who go to church every Wed/Sun. So this is my last post because I may accidently offend you again. I've been praying and asking God's help, and I'll continue to do so, My feelings are very hurt over your post. cageruler

 

Godsends answered...

I am so sorry to read these posts. My mother lived with me for 10 years and my family had to move and she stayed behind. My sister is left to care for her and feels much like many in these posts she wants to put her in a nursing home, though she is mostly capable of living on her own. She just doesn't want to be bothered. What everyone should think of is if anything had happened to them making them vulnerable wouldn't their mother have been there for them? Where is the love? Our parents raise us for the first fifteen years of our lives, shouldn't we be honored to care for them the last fifteen years of their life? Social Security and government aid has removed the responsibility of the family. Once again, where is the love?

 

Saturngoddess answered...

Godsends: How was it living with your mother for ten years? How long have you been gone? Depending on how old your mom has gotten, she could be at the point of needing someone with her all the time. If your sister is the only caregiver, please give her a break. It's hard to be the only one and not get a break at all. She needs to take care of herself before she can properly take care of your mother. I have lived with my husband and his mother for the last 10 years. His brother and sister live on opposite sides of the country and occasionally come out to visit. We got his mother because we lived in the state and all we get when they come to visit is dirty dishes and attitude. The mother isn't appreciative, and the POA is in my sister in law's name.
This makes me NEVER want to take care of an elder again - not my parents, not my husband's dad - NO ONE. I need to live MY life before I get too old to enjoy it.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

Unfortunately, I'm in a similar situation as most of the writers here. When my mom's dementia was progressing, I quit my job to help care for her 7 days a week, with no help from my 3 sisters despite practically begging. When mom fell and broke her hip, I was at the hospital every day, then helped with rehab, then visited the nursing home 3-4 times a week...no help from my sisters. When my dad died, I had to make all of mom's medical decisions and visit even more often, while also selling their house and liquidating their assets to settle dad's estate. No help from my sisters. When mom died, same thing, Now I'm suing the hospital that neglected my mom after she broke her hip, and my sisters have all sorts of excuses why they can't attend the 2-week trial AT ALL, leaving me to go every day for 2 weeks alone. But they ask about it because "they're counting on that money." In the meantime they're resentful because my dad purposely left me an inheritance and not them. So now they whine about how poor they are, totally forgetting the five years, now, I've been doing everything alone.

If you have a sibling who's doing 90% or more of the work when it comes to your parents, you have no right to complain about what decisions they make or whether they inherit anything. You should have pitched in when the going was tough. Too bad.

 

scaredsister answered...

My mom has always worshipped my sister, who lives in another state, as do I, and my sis has not been really an exemplary person, and just took tens of thousands of $ from my mom to fill out the paperwork to put her in an assisted living home at $5K per month and sell mom's house. I disagreed, saying mom could stay in her own home with her female companion, and get hired help to come in and care for them. Now my mom accuses me of "making her ill" because I am upset that my sis took so much $$$. I am only writing to my mom now instead of phoning her every day, which I have been doing for 11 years. I am now very scared of my mom and sis. Afraid they might accuse me of made-up things. My mom lies often, and I think my sis does, too. That is why I am only writing to my mom, and saving a copy of each and every letter. I hope I can simply stay away from both of them, because they have been very abusive in the past, and it looks like they intend to continue in that manner into the future. I am sure my sister will keep my mom's whereabouts secret from me and take any remaining money for herself. I only pray that I will not be forced into any association with these two very abusive, accusational, and non-loving relatives of mine. It is true that abusive, dangerous women exist, and that my mother and sister are such women. I hope no one else has to go through anything like this. It is mental torture and can cause the victim to suffer actual physical symptoms. Not a pretty picture. I notice that by not interacting with these relatives, I feel better and my joints no longer ache and my heart no longer has an irregular heartbeat.

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I'm reading through these posts and found myself in a similar situation but maybe worse. My father was living with a girlfriend and his house was empty. I moved into the house being that it was signed over to me and my father. I have one sibling who does not bother with my dad or mom. Everything falls on me. When i moved in my dads girlfriend quickly moved my dad out to stay with me. I discovered he was getting increasly forgetful. I soon learned he was diagnosed with alzhiemers. My sibling caught wind that we were living together and started conveniently popping in to say hello. Soon i received a lawsuit from her. She wanted to be a part of my fathers property and thought she was being unfairly left out of anything to gain. My father stayed with me for 5 years until i could no longer afford it and he was at a point he was escaping and getting lost. I had a fantastic job at a private school where my son had the opportunity to attend but i had to let that go after 4 years to stay home with dad. Anyways he is now in a nursing facility. I'm still paying the remainder of fees there out of my own money. My sibling now has joint ownership of the house in which i reside (its a life estate, so his half once deceased becomes her half). He has been in the nursing home a little over one year and she has visited him twice. I pay all the property tax etc. For the property... And i'm left with a property loan from my dad that I'm still paying on. Of course i have legal fees that im paying from her lawsuit. She hasnt helped out once but she has her hand out for sure. She has threatened me that if i move out I'm not allowed to rent out the house. And i OWN half of it. I want to sell my half and she wont agree. I'm now broke after caring for my dad and i feel like i'm in jail house... I'm sorry this answer doesnt help you much. I think i just needed to vent out mu frustration and maybe someone out there is going through a very similar situation as myself. Thanks for listening....

 

soulshine616 answered...

My mother is 86, she should have in a nursing home or assisted living home before now. Anyway my sister was given power of attorney 2 yrs ago and from that day until now my sister has refused to let me know anything concerning my mother except last year she fell and broke her hip, had surgery. I arrived at the hospital at 5 am for her surgery, spoke with the doctor after the surgery (my sister was not there). I left several hours later after my mother was back in her room. The next day I was informed that my sister said I was lying and never showed up for the surgery. Where was she??? From that day forward things between my sister and I were never the same. Actually I never received another call from my sister concerning my mother's help. My sister does not work, I work and I live out of town. My sister told the case worker at the hospital my mother lives at home with outside help. That is not true. She lives alone and falls all the time (we hear from friends that my mother is in the hospital over and over). Anyway to the point, my mother broke her other hip back in July. I found out about it in August from a friend. I was never told by any family member. Now it is the end of October and I found out from ex-husband that my mother is no longer at home (I learned that on my own when her phone has been disconnected), she is no longer in a nursing home for rehab from the surgery, but she is in another nursing home and my sister will not tell anyone in the family especially me and my children where she is. Is there anything I can do to find out where my mother is living? Please someone help!

 

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An anonymous caregiver answered...

To those that asked:

Anyone can place a family member that is willing to go into a senior living home or move a member from there home to another location. It is not legal unless they have power of attorney or permission by there person. Place in an attorney to help, ASAP. Call Police, ASAP. Call and in writing, contact APS (Adult Protective Services) and ask (demand) for them to step in to insure your relative is in good health and care. Ask the court to place an outside person to over see estate to insure financial security for the elder. If police make a report; be sure they are under oath and sign a document at your attorneys office stating that they feel the elder is in good-sound health and mind. Check the estate laws in your state. If there is no will. Many states divide property automatically to the children of. Get the following: Gaurdian-Counservatureship and Gaurdianadlidum! Google all your questions and much info will come up. It is important that you deal direct with APS or your attorney once you call Police. The officer will contact elder and check in. You have rights wether your a birth relative or adopted. The family member that is being cruel to you by hiding information or whereabouts with a love one is doing this to hurt you and placing there own needs in front of the elder. Typically Control, Money and Property bring out the worst. Its the Elder we all should be caring about.

 

 
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