How can I move on with my life without hurting my disabled husband?
Thank you. I have confided in a friend but they feel after 25 years I should stay in the marriage as he was a good man, but I am so lonely. He was a great husband and father, but that is the thing "was". Adult daycare will not help as he doesn't need any assistance now but he just isn't the guy I married. I have thought of counseling and suggested it to my husband and I don't think it will help because I have tried everything and he doesn't seem willing. I don't know how to get feelings back that I no longer have, they are all gone and counseling won't bring them back.
Thank you. I have confided in a friend but they feel after 25 years I should stay in the marriage as he was a good man, but I am so lonely. He was a great husband and father, but that is the thing "was". Adult daycare will not help as he doesn't need any assistance now but he just isn't the guy I married. I have thought of counseling and suggested it to my husband and I don't think it will help because I have tried everything and he doesn't seem willing. I don't know how to get feelings back that I no longer have, they are all gone and counseling won't bring them back.
Your husband sounds depressed too. I would push the counseling suggestion again. Or what about group therapy with other individuals in the same boat. And you need to find a support group so you won't feel so lonely, even if your husband can't be convinced to get help. Help yourself. Find some friends and plan a monthly outing, dinner or a movie. What about a taking a class in something you like to do? You can hire someone to come in and watch your husband if he can't be left alone. and what about your kids? Do they live near by? They can help out too. Start with little changes, don't try and change things all at once.
I am curious, as I am in a very similar situation, did you stay? how are things working out for you? My husband & I have been married for 11 years; it's been 5 years since his stroke & 1/2 our marriage. Except there is no marriage anymore. He is a man-child and I take care of him. (I also took care of my severely ill, bed-ridden mother for 2 1/2 years until her passing this past Sept) I am chronically depressed, have chronic anxiety/panic disorder. I'm fatigued, don't sleep, the list goes on. I am 52, he is 45...i'm afraid of having a stroke or heart attack. I don't have anyone to help me. I, too am sick, but had to stop treatment due to not being able to tolerate the side effects...suicidal tendencies. I am currently in counseling. I don't want to hurt my husband, I could not live with myself, yet I hurt every second of every day. I'm burned out, so so burned out. I want to go on with my life while I'm still alive & am able to. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go on.
I am so sorry. Yes, I have stayed with him because of the guilt I feel every time I think of leaving. Maybe in the future, but I am not ready to make the move. He is 57, I am 47 and like you there is no marriage, but I don't want to hurt him as he was a fantastic husband and father for 17 years but the last 8 years it has been like being a parent again. It is a very tough situation and no support that I could find online and counselors usually try to keep the marriage together that is why I chose not to go to counseling. I have a friend who I could talk to and he got me through the first several years. He was married so of course he told me I should stay, looking back, still not sure if I made the right decision.
I think if you are ill too, you need to start thinking of your health and getting other treatment because if you are not well, there is no way you will be able to take care of him or anyone else, or be able to go on with your future. I didn't have anyone to help me either and I know how burned out you are and I had 2 kids 9 & 16 when he got sick and I know where you are with it because I had no financial help anymore (took 18 months for disability) so I worked 60 hours a week to support him and the 2 kids, no sleep, very little food, weight loss, anxiety, depression and nobody to lean on for support or help while I just could have 30 minutes to take a breath. This went on for about 3 or so years until he could finally do some things for himself, but he still relies on my for a lot due to physical disability and the short term memory loss.
See if you can find someone to care for him, you may have to pay someone to come into your home, but even if it is for a weekend get away, visit family or friends or just be by yourself to think. Not sure where you live but normally a warm climate weekend vacation, or go somewhere you have always wanted to go or do something you miss. You need to do something for yourself. I found just being able to take a shower and having 15 minutes to myself gave me the 2nd wind I needed to keep going. I also had my children and I kept them laughing and in activities so they kept me going too.
I always thought marriage was forever and affairs were never in my mind, but looking at the situation, what do we do? I don't want to hurt my husband either, but I don't want to feel this loneliness/depression etc. We are not old and have many more years that we should be able to enjoy.
I am at the point where I just want companionship, intimacy, having a good time again, enjoying family, with someone I can carry on a conversation with and laugh, but I do not want to leave my husband as he has been a great man so I would need to have an affair, which I am totally against too, plus there are so many crazy people and diseases out there, I still question is it worth it. My entire thinking has changed and I am not looking for love again because I don't want my heart ripped out for any reason.
So I am still in limbo as far as a decision, but I deal with it day to day and if something happens it happens, I can't make future plans at this point. I work and take care of the house and we basically stay home by ourselves.
Good Luck, let me know what you decide, it is tough as it seems like it will never end. I always go day by day, and I was told that we are only given as much as we can handle. I am not sure why we were chosen but we have been and everything happens for a reason and I haven't figured out the reasons yet either and maybe someday I will have answers to both of these.
we are living parallel lives, except for the children. i have an adult daughter, who currently lives with us. she is wonderful with him and has often times saved me, however she is a young woman with a job & friends & a lot of life to live as she should.
we also waited 18 months for his disability, needless to say, we're not exactly 'well to do'. we lost both our incomes. i am a firm believer in fidelity, but i believe there are exceptions to the rules in some cases....like these. i have a friend from my young past, i reconnected with about a year ago. we live a couple of hours away from each other now. he's in a similar situation with different circumstances. we get together every 2-3 months. it's wonderful just to feel a hug or a kiss or in my case, have a conversation. i feel sad when he leaves, but it also gives me something to look forward to. this way works right now...we speak online everyday. he's been very supportive and an amazing friend and the distance between us is okay. makes it kind of special. i know that i want to go on with my life, i can't live like this anymore. i also know that i could never live with myself for walking out on him. time will tell...
in the meantime i'm going to get my meds in order. made an appt with a new neurologist for him; hoping to get him in an outpatient adult day program for stroke.
thank you for answering. i really thought i was alone; it's a shame that any of us are in this situation... hey, good luck to you, no matter what you decide. i'm sure i'll be around if you ever want to talk.
Good luck to you too, it sounds like we do think somewhat alike and we are not alone and there are probably many others out there that are in the same circumstances. Glad you are going to get yourself in order medically and if he is in an adult day program, it will give you the little extra time that you need. Our children do see what we live with and I have 1 that says to leave, the other says stay and I don't want to hurt my children either. Sounds like you have a friend like mine, even every 2-3 months and talking daily to someone else is a big help and the hug/kiss is all we look for, just to know there is someone who cares. My friend is the same way, very understanding and a very big part of my life, if it wasn't for him I know I would have left many years ago.
Take care and go day by day and hopefully things will get better.
I know that fidelity is a law of marriage, but when the marriage you agreed to goes away, and the only thing holding you there is obligation, then I think the rules change. My husband had stroke the second year we were married, he has since had two more. It leaves his just damaged enough each time to have to start over. We have been married nine years now and each of us has kids from previous marriages. His kids want me to stay, mostly so they don't have to change their lives to help him, and mine want me to leave, because they see the unfairness of the entire situation. The truth is I would never, in a million years, agree to marry the man that I have ended up married to. After six years of one thing after another, I have decided I need to have an outlet, a "friend" who understands the situation and is not going to push for a relationship. (like I would jump off that bridge again). It can't be wrong to have our needs met when everything that made our marriage a partnership has been ripped away. The million things that you fell in love with about your spouse are gone and you're the one that is long-suffering. I tried this for 6 years and no thank you to anymore. I go out of my way to plan one vacation a year without any family and make it a point to meet my "friend" every few months. I sleep just fine without any guilt, I feel like a woman again and I don't resent each and every time I pull in the driveway. I don't consider it cheating, he is not the man I married, he can't even remember dating me, our special events, or our wedding. I do have guilt that I didn't realize it sooner and tormented myself over someone elses perception of wifely duties, and that I hurt my own health in the process. I may not stay forever, but I find it easier to stay for now. I love my "friend" but I have learned a lot about marriage and am not signing on for this again with anyone!
I married my husband when I was 18, and before our second anniversary he became disabled in an accident. He nearly did not live. Months in the hospital and years of physical therapy restored him to a semi-independent state. Over the years he has become intolerable. He is angry and rude. He doesn't seem to care for others' feelings. He says irrational things. His worsening state is mostly because his health has deteriorated and he has become less able-bodied. On the other hand, he still, on occasion, has a sense of humor. He is still capable of love although he mostly shows these positive feelings toward our grown children/grandchildren. And he is still human even though he acts the demon at times. We have been married 33 years now. I have thought of leaving but the guilt got me, too. There is no physical contact (for the last few years), although I am as much to blame as he is because his overall attitude makes me angry then I don't want to be near him. Even though this post is about marriage, I believe it is more about the attitude that we as caretakers take toward our situations. I frequently try to view our situation objectively. I put myself in my husband's place. The anger turns to compassion and I am capable of being a more understanding person. I am glad I have stayed. I believe I am strong enough and smart enough to see through my husband's behavior. I can often (not always) let his comments and attitudes roll off of me. We get along fine when I don't react, because when I react negatively, it's like fueling a fire. I realize that he doesn't have proper coping skills, but who can cope properly when thrown into such a nasty situation? I make sure that my husband has plenty of company by inviting people over so he has someone to talk to besides me. I make sure that he still feels like an important part of the family. I fill my life with family, friends, a career that I love, and prayer. And I feel good about myself for my decision. Each person has to come to his/her own terms with decisions made about staying with a disabled and difficult spouse. I sympathize with each of you and hope for the best in your situations. As for me, I won't leave. The misfortunes were flung at my husband--he didn't deserve them, and I married him for better or worse--we just got a bad deal and we will deal together even without the typical and expected marriage arrangement.
This is going to be both my opinion and a question. My wife and I have been married over 30 years. I knew at the 8 year point that I wanted out. My wife is and has been mean, controlling and insulting to both me and our 5 children. I planned to divorce her after our children were adults and out on their own. Well my plan got screwed up because she because she became ill with ms. She has been on various depression medications for years with little to show for it. She is totally disabled and bedridden. I have spent the last 20+ years working, taking care of our children and her. Our children are all adults now and refused to spend any more time with their mother than they have to. They have each at various times told me to divorce her and leave. Recently they told me that they were worried about my health. They told me that if I didn't divorce her, I should at least get a girlfriend. They know that I am miserable in this situation. I have never looked for any action on the side, but I have to say that for the last few years I am constantly thinking about it. Some "Experts" have suggested that I put her in a care facility and move on with my life. Good idea, but I am not a wealty person and I cannot afford a care facility for her. So after taking everything into consideration I beleive that i'm now ready to look for someone on the side. Some people may think that i'm a scumbag, but I really don't care anymore. I'm going to start looking out for my mental and physical health and I think you should do the same.
Your spouse is totally disabled and bedridden and has been for 20+ years in which you have been caring for her. I think under those circumstances you are not considered a scumbag, just someone who has been lonely for a long time. I understand the loneliness as our children are grown too and one wants me to stay the other says leave. We have been married 28 years, but my spouse is not bedridden, but because of the disability has chosen to avoid contact, avoids helping me make decisions or do anything he is capable of doing. He just makes himself dependent on me. Good luck because you have to do what is best for you and it sounds like you are ready for companionship.
