How do I distance myself from my siblings and honor Mom's wishes?

A fellow caregiver asked...

My mom has been living with my husband and I for 13 years. A year ago today we took her to the hospital and she has been declining since then. She is totally bedridden now. My family wants to put her in a nursing home and I refuse because because she has told us not to do that.

She has had to stay in a rehab center every year for the past 5 years for a couple of months and she was miserable. She will not eat the food, will not associate with any of the other residents and will not go out of her room unless made too. Last October we took her back to the hospital and when she came out, I brought her home versus going to a nursing home. I was hoping that the other 5 siblings would help with her care. They did not.

I just took her back to the hospital last week and she has been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Again they want to put her in in-hospital hospice and I do not agree. They want to also put her in a nursing home. I do not agree. I feel like they want to do that to eliminate them having to help with her.

I kept her for almost 6 months and they do not even call to ask if I need relief. I think some of the problem is because I get a check for rental property and also her check comes to the house. The biggest problem comes from a younger sibling, thinking that she should control. And she is doing a good job at turning the other sibling against me. Well I have given up. I decided that I am going to do what Mom's wishes are and forget about them. I am going to distance myself from the family and keep taking care of my mom as we always has. Where do I find help dealing with this? I tried in the last week to do what I could to keep the peace. The younger sister got angry because I told them that they were rude to the doctor. How do I distance myself from my other siblings and do what is right for my mom?

Expert Answer

Mikol Davis, PhD has worked in community hospitals with geriatric patients suffering from dementia, depression, and other psychiatric problems. He has a doctorate in Psychology from the University of San Francisco and has been in private practice in Marin County, California. Davis co-founded AgingParents.com with his wife, Carolyn Rosenblatt.

It sounds as if you are at a sort of impasse in a conflict with your siblings over your mom's care. First of all, as you are the primary caretaker of your mom, it is important that you try as best you can to honor her wishes. You did not mention whether you have a health care proxy (living will, healthcare directive). If so, the decisions are up to you about how mom spends this part of her life and where she is.

It is important for you to get emotional support for yourself to cope with what your siblings are doing and to reassure yourself in your decisions. The National Family Caregiver Alliance is an excellent resource for support. If hospice is going to be involved, hospice can help you care for mom at home. In most instances, Medicare covers hospice, even at home. I hope that you will use this resource sooner, rather than later. Ask your mom's doctor to order hospice if mom is going to be at home with you. The hospice staff generally make a considerable effort to be a source of support for the family of the ill person as well.

Your county's psychological or psychiatric association or mental health association may be able to provide you with affordable resources for counseling for yourself during this time. Your own grieving at your mom's declining health is not something you should ignore. Counseling can do a lot to help you get through this time. In addition, many cities have Jewish Family Service Agency (you don't have to be Jewish or any religion), Catholic Social Services (don't require that you be Catholic), and other faith-based organizations which provide excellent sources of social workers and counselors who can give you the support you need. If it is possible, a family meeting with a counselor could help calm the conflict so that all siblings can attend in whatever way they are capable, to mom during this last phase of her life.