My brother has been living with my mom since my dad died five years ago. She is legally blind, with advanced Parkinson's and back pain. He has done a wonderful job of taking care of her. He stopped working, but has returned to graduate school. I live about ten miles away, and have a full time job 40 miles away. I come home each weekend to help out as best I can, but he treats me with intense hostility. I'm afraid of him. He'll blow up at me, or just refuse to talk to me. He is very sweet to our mother, but I'm really hurt by his behavior. I buy him presents because I know he can't afford them on his own, but he just hates me. I can't talk to him...I'm too afraid to. My mom says he's depressed, but she doesn't say anything else to him because he'll get angry at her. Before Dad died, we were very close...I considered him my best friend. Even back then, he would have flares of anger, but I've always been very protective of him and would back him up in fights. He hasn't really talked to me for about a year and a half now. I love him dearly, but like I said, he terrifies me because he seems to hate me so much. It just seems like one day he decided he didn't care about me anymore, and that I'm the worst person in the world. I just don't know what to do...because I spend all of my free time with them, my social life is compromised. Neither of us are dating, as far as I know...it would upset my mother if I didn't come home each weekend and at least pretend to get along with him. I feel like all I can do is try to be patient and work within the system he's established, but I just want to know if there isn't something else I could be doing. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of my brother as well as my dad.
Expert Answer by Mikol Davis
Thank you so much for describing how your brother's anger is affecting both you and your mother for whom he is her caregiver. The resentment from your brother is not uncommon. He has taken over the 24/7 responsibilities for your mother's daily needs and most likely resents your having an outside life. My experience as a psychologist with over thirty-five years of experience treating families and caregivers, has often revealed the long term resentments we often carry as adults. Dr. Mom's diagnosis that your brother is depressed is likely right on target. Often when people are depressed their symptoms are increased irritability, anger, and often quick to rage at others. My first suggestion is that you hire a caregiver from an agency to give your brother some time either during the week or weekend. Your brother is likely burned out or close to it. Secondly, you need to get some emotional support to learn how to stand up for yourself and stop being intimidated. Give yourself permission to take a weekend off from your family responsibility to do something nice for yourself. Right now it sounds like mom has two loving kids who are stressed being around each other because they have many unmet personal needs that are critically affecting the quality of their lives. Thirdly, I suggest that you find a neutral family friend, clergy, or professional mediator that can assist you and your brother begin to look at how the stresses between you is directly reducing mom's present quality of life. My wife Carolyn Rosenblatt is a nurse -lawyer who recently wrote a book that directly deals with the most difficult emotional subject of "How to handle family conflicts about elders." Please check her book out: "The Boomers Guide to Aging Parents, The Complete Guide." I hope this helps you begin the needed peace and family healing.
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I understand first hand what your brother is experiencing. I too am the caregiver for my mom who has rectal cancer and whom is undergoing her second bout of Chemo. I have two older siblings both male and I refuse to speak with them nor deal with them due to the fact that they are not interested in helping out when it comes to my mom. I understand your helping your brother on the week-end and that's fine and I commend you for doing so, but he (your brother), still looks at you as the sibling that doesn't have to deal with this on a continuous basis like he has too. I resent my brothers also for not being there when my mom and myself need them. It may take your brother awhile to come around if he ever does. I tell myself everyday don't worry about what their not doing and just do the best you can for mom, but it's easier said than done. Your brother needs a break and I'm not talking about just one or two days he needs a vacation where he can regain a little normalcy back into his life. Bless all of you! And once again at least your helping him and your mom.
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I think it is great that you are asking for ways to help. Sometimes the best help can just be reaching out to your brother to let him know you not only care about your mother, but him as well. As a caregiver for my mom, my recently deceased dad and helping my partner with his mom everyone asked how our parents were doing but people often ignored that we were burnt out, running from hospital to nursing home and missing meals, each other, etc.
The only thing I would add is that your brother probably needs more than one day off. If he has one day, I bet he won't know what to do with himself. And if depression may be lurking, it could make things tougher for him. If possible, can he get a longer time off to reset and then get a day or two a week "off" moving forward?
Again, never underestimate just telling someone you care and you want to help, but be sure to follow through on the help they request. Even if you cannot commit to the full request, listening and helping will go a long way.
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I am not an expert but it sounds like you need to give him a day off if he will let you. Instead of both of you staying there and not speaking, let him leave for a full day off. It that works, Maybe your "gift" to him could be a night away in a motel or at a friends house. He needs to feel normal and you need to allow him the time to be away. My sons do this for me and it is such a wonderful gift.
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Perhaps in addition to giving him some time off as suggested earlier, he should see his own physician. Just because your mother is ill and has to live with her own limitations, doesn't mean he doesn't have legitimate emotional or physical issues of his own. His dr. could recommend a therapist that would be able to direct him how to vent his resentment and offer a means of anger management.
In the meantime, you still need to take care of yourself. There is no point in all 3 of you becoming handicapped by your mother's illness.
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Just plain dealing with an unable parent daily is really tough emotionally. Grad school in itself is also quite stressful, and someone may have told your brother that being a caregiver is jeopardizing his future. The academic environment isn't always understanding about caregiving situations.
Either change your mother's living situation or get your brother some regularly scheduled, frequent relief, and don't balk at the cost and don't believe your mother if she says she doesn't need it. Your brother does. There's a reason why paid caregivers don't do this 24/7. Many assisted living facilities run short-term respite care.
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Dear Anonymous I understand what your going through we must remember that we're doing this for our parents and their the one's that need us. I now speak with my siblings and their still not helping me in the least bit, now I have moved my mom in with me and my family and my brother has basically moved into my mom's house and he's still not doing anything, (taking her to chemo or going to the store to get any items that she needs). We will get through these trying times!!
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I quit my job to care for my Father to prevent him from going into a nursing home. I got little to NO HELP from my three siblings. Yet a lot of advise & what I was doing wrong. He passed away Oct. 9th 2006. Now my mother is very ill. She is @ end stages of COPD & once again I am the one whos there for her. I love her & have NO regrets about my Father. Yet, I stay angry with my siblings!! They will blow my cell phone up to find out whats going on. I have decieded not to talk to them!! It stresses me out to much & is not fair to me!! I know in my heart I am doing whats right & the best I can do!! If they are that concerned drop what they are doing and go see her!! I have & I am a single mom of a 17 year old. GOOD LUCK & I FEEL FOR EVERYONE IN MY SHOES : (
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To anonomous who's brother moved into mom's house: you could always suggest that you sell mom's house to cover her costs of living in a nursing home. That might get him off his duff. But yes, this too shall pass (my mantra through clenched teeth)
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I feel for you all. I'm a full time care giver (with a full time paying job) and I'm sure I'll hit that point with his family soon enough. Or maybe I just knew from the start that they wouldn't help out. Either way, in May, one way or another, someone in his family will help for a few days because I am going out of town. Sounds like your brother feels trapped. Depression can do that. Is there anyway Medicare or you mom's insurance can pay for another HHA so he can have a few hours for himself? He needs days(plural) so he can have a vacation, see his dr, study without interruptions. He sounds like he's really, really burned out.
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Funny thing you said that b/c I mentioned to him yesterday that I wanted to put her in a nursing home b/c I had no help, he told me no way b/c they would take the house. The other thing about that is mom is in her sane mind and doesn't want the house to be sold she wants him to have the house and on top of that she sees nothing wrong with my brothers not giving me any help, everytime I mention my brothers not helping me she tells me not to talk her about my brothers not pitching in to help me out. I get so frustrated like why is this happening to me?
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