I want to care for my mother in law, but her other children say no. What can I do?
It’s hard to say just why the other family members are turning deaf ears to your generous offer of help. Guilt? Resentment? Fear that you’re already overtaxed with caregiving duties?
They are right that if your mother-in-law lacks the mental capacity to know and appreciate the documents she’s signing, then it is too late to secure a power of attorney or other advance directive for her.
When it comes to her care, it seems that the only step left for you to take is a direct one: Call a family meeting with all present, or at least on the phone. Present your proposal forthrightly, along with a brief plan of how and why you believe you can provide the care your mother-in-law needs. Perhaps you live in a community that has a number of care-at-home services provided by volunteers, for example. Or maybe your house is all on one level, making it easy for her to get around.
Ask for the siblings to weigh in with their honest and candid concerns—then listen to what they have to say without being defensive or dismissive. Instead, invite everyone to pitch in with ideas about how those concerns can be addressed.
Don’t be surprised if the meeting doesn’t proceed completely calmly and peacefully; only the Waltons could pull that off—and it was only on TV. Keep in mind that even having the discussion about a parent’s need for long-term care can be loaded for many people, raising concerns about their own mortality, about money matters, about their own role in the family. All big stuff.
Finally, you might propose that you try the caretaking arrangement for a month or so to see if it works out for all concerned. If not, then you will all be in a better place to consider the next options—assisted living, congregate care, or a nursing home arrangement.
