What's the best gift for my dying mother? My mother is quite ill and doesn't have long to live, but she's conscious and alert. Her birthday is coming up, and I have no idea what I should give her. She's on a very restricted diet, so she can't eat cake, and she doesn't have much of an appetite anyway. There's no point in giving her jewelry or clothing, and she doesn't have the strength to read, so books are out, and flowers seem too funereal. Help!
Expert Answer by David Solie
If your mother is up to it, you should certainly celebrate her birthday, but that doesn't mean you need to shower her with gifts or goodies.
As you make clear, there are very few things your mother needs at this point in her life. There may be small items that will provide comfort and enjoyment: a special pillow, a bottle of moisturizing lotion, a book on tape or CD, or a pretty shawl or bed jacket.
But if there's nothing material that she needs, there are other ways to honor her birthday. Consider putting together an album of family photos that she can keep beside her bed, for example. Encourage your children and other relatives to write poetry and make cards and drawings for your mother, and to call if they live far away. Offer to read to your mother or take her for a drive if she's up to it.
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David Solie's answer is a good one. I have started building a very informal picture book with old and new photos and adding my own writing to tell my Dad the stories of our experiences, or things he's said or done, that have meant so much to me...or moments he's contributed to from which I learned meaningful life lessons. He has told me that he rereads the book and I am adding to it all the time. It doesn't have to be fancy, just heartfelt. I also encourage him to share his stories of growing up and meaningful experiences in his life. Go to www.storycorps.org (could be .com) and find the link that lets you choose from a list of questions to build a conversation you can have with your Mom about her life/your shared times. Your time, attention and caring are what matters to her - knowing she has contributed positively - and HOW she has contributed positvely - to your life will give her joy.
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93 Cards for 93 Years
In July '08 our mother, legally blind, very hard of hearing and confined to bed/wheelchair with many ailments, turned 93. We also were having a difficult time deciding on appropriate gifts. One thing mom does still enjoy is getting mail. My sisters and I started a project we called '93 Cards for 93 Years'. We wrote to all her friends, family, neighbors, church members, doctors and former co-workers and asked them to remember her with a card during her birthday month. The response was tremendous. There were so many kind and creative responses that ranged from handprints from the youngest great grandchildren to photos of her younger days sent by same age friends. It was extremely successful. When we didn't think mom would get 93 cards we asked our own friends to join in. 129 cards were received and enjoyed. We have never seen a gift bring such joy. We tape recorded her responses when she opened each card. Many brought back priceless memories that we now have recorded in her voice.
Hope this idea helps,
PS: We saved the cards and used the same ones this year when she turned 94 and she loved them just as much.
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I had the same problem with my father recently. So I ordered a floral birthday cake arrangement from an online florist. It looks like a fancy birthday cake but it's made of flowers. HE LOVED IT! It was beautiful, gave him something to light his candle in, smelled lovely and it lasted for more than a week. I used 1800flowers.com , but I think proflowers.com has something similar too.
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Your mother might enjoy a version of the gift my sister gave our mother one time: a special container (such as a beautiful ceramic bowl) filled with slips of paper. Each paper contained a loving message, like "Thank you for all those chocolate chip cookies when I was a kid" or "I love your creativity with music" or whatever fits. Your mother or her caregivers can read a slip or two whenever some comfort is needed.
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My father was recently diagnosed with Stage IV Liver Cancer. We took him into the ER thinking he had the flu...not the flu, but liver cancer. We immediately took him into our home and fixed up our guest bedroom for him. He had a birthday coming up and I could not think of anything to get him. He was bedridden now. He mentioned a few times that he was not comfortabtle in the Hospice provided bed. I did some research and found a website called Angel Beds. At www.angelbeds.com
We bought him a twin mattress topper made of the same foam as temperpedic (Sp?) and he got it on his birthday. I can't tell YOU HOW MANY TIMES he would smile and tell us how much more comfortable he was with the topper placed on top of the hospice twin bed. He loved the topper so much and once or twice he reached out to hold my hand and he said thank you to me for making him so comfortable bed and all. That was worth a million dollars to me. The topper was not too expensive and made my dad so much more relaxed. Think about that and go there if you can work it out for your loved one. My father died in my arms on 10/21, about three weeks ago. I never regretted buying the topper. Regards, Terilyn
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My mother in law is in end-stage parkinson's. she doesn't need many physical items. What she wants is her family members to be present with her. have a gathering.
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I gave my cousin a voicequilt CD in the spring. She was 53 and died 3 days later of breast cancer. I sent an email to relatives and friends and office co workers. Her husband played it for her twice. He said she recognized all the voices. It was a great gift. The company is wonderful. Very helpful and even helped me edit some of the responses..We also gave her father one for his 90th birthday and she recorded a message for him the week before she passed and now we have her voice and her singing Happy Birthday to him recorded forever..One of the best gifts I have ever given...
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My friend runs a company that gives you an 800 number that people can call in and record messages, and then the gift recipient can listen whenever he/she wants. You can also download the messages onto a music box or other keepsake so that the person doesn't have to make a phone call to hear them. It's kind of a combination of the phone call answer and the music box answer (and the 94 cards answer, too!) www.VoiceQuilt.com
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I got my grandmother a heart-shaped wind up music box that played "You Are My Sunshine", which is a song she used to sing to me when I was a child.
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When making photo albums think about small individual ones that are easy for her to hold. Also have people send "talking" cards where they record their own voice. Music ones are fun as well. My husband loves to hear peoples voices on the phone, for ease we put it on speaker phone. I loved many of the ideas above and will use them for Christmas gifts!
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Working as a hospice volunteer, I have found that the best gift (for her and for you) is to just be present with her. I watched as my friend spent the last days of her mom's life, holding hands, reaffirming their love, talking about family history and sometimes just sharing the silence. They found a wonderful intimacy that can had eluded them much of their lives.
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I loved these answers! Anything that reminds her of her family is a great thing. Pictures and albums are good.
If she is able use a phone, you can get her a FotoDialer. It is like a combination photo album and speed dial that connects to her phone. It is full of 24 wallet sized photos you put in of family friends, places etc. When she wants to call someone, she finds their photograph and pushes a button next to it and FotoDialer calls them through her existing phone. http://www.PhotoDialing.com or http://www.FotoDialer.com
Good luck!
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There are two things that I did in this situation. Had a family throw woven from www.wovenembrace.com You can use any picture. It is one way of wrapping family and love around someone.
The other thing I did was to purchase tapes of popular music that I knew had meaning and memories from better times. Used headsets and my dad closed his eyes and went down a wonderful memory lane trip with all his favorite Big Bands.
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Check out www.voicequilt.com. I am using that for my husband who is in the process of dying. Friends and realtives from all over the country can call in to a special phone number and leave him a memory message (just like leaving an answering machine message.) I listen to them everyday and very soon they will be on a special CD for him to hear. It has been great fun!
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Finally a question from someone that really cares about their parents instead of a question about how can, I take over my parents assets and their lives. All of the answers given are very good ones but I am sure she would just enjoy having the company of the ones that have meant so much to her life and, a gift that would make her life more comfortable would be in order. Hugs
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I love the Angel Bed idea --- and the Woven Embrace Throw. I'm going to check out both sites tonight. Thanks So Much for your input!
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I made my Mom a scrapbook (12 x 12) fiiled with pictures from her past. She was heathier then, and looked at it often. Now its too heavy to even pick up. If I had it to do again, I'd make it a smaller album and be a lot more picky about the pictures. Maybe one or two on a page --- and less decorationg. I am glad I will have the larger one I made when the time comes --- so I don't regret doing it for her at all.
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AnnieFannie - that is why it is best to make the photo albums 4/6 size, each according to a theme. That way they can hold them.
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