I'm not to sure this is going to receive any rave reviews, in answer to the above - but here goes. It's helping me stay "real".
When a person has gotten to That Stage of not being reasonably able to take care of oneself, it becomes clear to me, that they also are not able to make reasonable assessments or decisions. Judgement calls, may be a thing of the past.
So, as much as you might want to respect their wishes...are you sure they will ever recieve any changes, in any manner but with 'resistance'? I mean...who's the Grown Up now?
I have been doing that same thing, up until a few weeks into the whole new 'dementia scenario' with my Mom...And yes, I am always the Bad Guy. It seems it is similar to the way you would have to treat a youngster - I have now become the Parent. Only difference is the child has to listen. Parents won't, don't, and still think you are the Kid.
So...all that explanation aside - Drastic times call for drastic measures - and for the sake of sanity, perhaps it's time for me to put on my Big Girl Pants and deal with a (fussy) parent in the manner that calls for getting results. First off, my mom doesn't even recall any angry words that get spoken in the heat of the moment...so why am I worried about the repercussions..(haha) It's not like she's going to Spank Me! for talking back. (I mean, really..what kid doesn't think about that from time to time...when dealing with thier aging Mom/Dad?)
And yes, it's the disease showing it's ugly little head...but rightfully, one has to keep their head and wits to know how to handle this; and sometimes it's not with Kid Gloves. My Mom fusses at me, and I do exactly what she did to me (as a kid)...I tell her to stop being so cantankerous, go to her room, or sit down and be quiet.
And yes, I raise my voice!
If you want to spoil a parent - give them everything they want. Since when does discipline not work here? If I tell my Mom to stop something (like walking out in the street, for godsake)...would you not yell at them to stop???
I'm NOT talking about abusing anyone, beatings or slapping, spankings etc. - but there is a point to where a person who is caretaking, can not be mamby-pamby about this - and has to be the one to step up and do the dirty work. Outside of walking about from an impending argument - which I have had to do - there is a point where some kind of control has to be shown.
This is not a fun job - and mothers and daughters are not promised to be the best of friends. It's about taking care of another's well being, and sometimes it's not a nice place to be.