Oh, Lilyday!! I feel your pain!! It is emotionally devasting to hear all these accusations day in and day out! I understand about the mind and emotion numbing confrontations, the roller coaster, the grieving for the person she used to be.
For me the accusations started when my father was dying of cancer and the doctors said there was nothing else to do. (he's been gone over 2 years now) She said he believed it also but I don't think he did. His actions towards me said different. I think he was too weak to put up a fight about it and after all, she was his wife and there's a strong tie with that. He may not believe it at all but it may be easier for him to just go along with it, after all he has to live with her.
Anything that you can think of to be accused of that is what I've been accused of, from stealing everything to me being the cause of problems between my parents! Ha!! that had nothing to do with me! everything that is wrong or hard in her life now is my fault!
It was real fun when my father was in ICU the last time in a coma that I heard every day how horrible I was and how I'd stolen all this stuff and if I just brought everything back it would be all forgiven. I heard that all through our funeral planning and and the funeral and afterwards. How could I bring "it all back" if I hadn't stolen it in the first place. it makes no sense.
As far as her calling the police, been there, done that with my mother. (at first I was afraid they would believe her and actually arrest me!) so far we've had 2 visits from the police. Let's just say that her name is now on their list of people with "obvious dementia" now. She called the day after Christmas to report that while she was at our house having dinner with us I left our house and went to her house and stole some of her clothes. The police officer stopped by our house after to tell me what was going on, and he recognized it as demential. Apparently she'd called several times previously because he said he'd looked her name up before coming and saw she was on it. Early March she calls them again saying we'd stolen a small rug from her house. (MIND you we do not have a key to her house and yet she thinks we get in!) when the police officer came over to our house after that visit, the first thing he said to me was, "Bet you can't guess where I just came from!!" he told me what was going on with her. They now have my phone numbers and call me first before going over there. sigh...
I have cried so much over all of this. It is very devastating! I have grieved the loss of both my mother and father. I feel like I've been to hell and back. I feel sad about my mother. I feel beyond tears about it now, even though I do get sad about it.
This is my mother's reality that she lives in. same with your mother. they really, truly believe that we steal from them, just like we believe that the sun rises and sets everyday. NOTHING at all I ever said has EVER convinced her otherwise, no amout of logic, denials, explanations, NOTHING has convinced her. And it's not because I haven't tried, believe me I'm pretty determined and kept at it but NOTHING works!!!! And that's because she and others with dementia have lost their reasoning abilty. they can't reason and see logic. it is gone, gone with the wind, never to return. My acceptance of this fact, accepting this new reality, accepting that my mother, the mother I knew and loved, is now GONE, and is never coming back, accepting that it is this wretched disease that is causing all of this has gone a long way in coming to terms with this and being more peaceful about it. Honestly I don't think I can get through this without my faith in God, either. It helps knowing that others are going through or have gone through similar situations helps also.
I've heard the "you know what you've done and it has to stop" phrase also-too many times!! (there must be some dementia playbook around that your mom and my mom must have read that we don't know about!! LOL!!) more recently, it's been her false teeth that have disappeared!! the first time I heard how terrible it was for somebody to come in her house and STEAL her teeth, something so personal and now she was going to have to go to the dentist and get new ones and what a pain that was, blah blah blah! Thank God she found them a few days later. The next time was Easter when they disappeared. She wasn't wearing them but she didn't say anything about them at all. Our dentist called me up telling me my mom had made an appointment to get fitted for new ones, so I knew to expect this again. well, a couple of days before the appointment my mom finally told me about the appointment and acted like I knew all about it, even though she'd never told me. I said I didn't know about it, she'd never told me and she said that she must have. any way, I pushed her to look for them, reminding her that she'd lost them before but found them in the house. I kept pushing her on and off to look for them (in a calm and nice way), which she finally did and she found them in a crazy place-in a glass of water UNDER her bed!! the first time she'd lost them they were under the mattress of her bed....My impression was that she hadn't really looked hard for them the second time and wasn't going to until I kept pushing her to.
That's the other thing about this-these people think others are stealing from them so they go and hid their stuff in oddball places to hide it from the "thiefs," then can't remember where they put it, then they think someone has come in and stolen their stuff they hid. my mother has hedge trimmers under a bench in her foyer, a roasting pan under her kitchen table, keeps rolls of paper towels in her dishwasher, keeps a double boiler in her oven , etc. you get the idea. maybe your father can look around the house to see if he can find these missing items in the house. Maybe you can get your father away from her for a bit to talk to him in private about your concerns, telling him these are big signs of dementia.
Don't expect other people to approach you at first and ask about your mother and ask why she's acting this way. I've found that many people just don't want to get involved or bring it up. Since she's gotten worse, some people have been asking about her and are concerned. I now bring it up to people also. I've asked many friends to pray for her and us in dealing with it. I recently talked to one of my mom's next door neighbors, thanked her for being so nice to her and mentioned that we were dealing with dementia. She'd recognized that.
I urge you to find some supportive friends that you can talk with and about the situation. It's helped me tremendously just to be able to vent to my husband about all of this. You may want to try to find a dementia support group also. I don't have time to go to one myself, but I have my husband to discuss it with and don't feel the need so much to like I would if I were single. Please don't try to do this all on your own. you really do need others to help and support.
You are a good daughter to move all the way across the country to help your aging parents. I know you didn't bargain on THIS happening! Hang in there. sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone, that your feelings are perfectly normal, and that you are a good daughter!!!