I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by octoman @ 07:55 AM November 23, 2009

octoman — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:55:33 -0000

Spockul I have found the human mind an amazing thing,but as Carl Jung stated we are totally unaware of its inner workings,and we all suffer from blind spots,that is we are unaware of what we do not know, Reality is hard for us deal with.or accept,stress and vunerabilty is not a theory to me but a fact.a facet of schizophriana which is where the subconscious mind takes control of the conscious mind . Love to you all.

Mother angry at being in assisted living posted by Anonymous @ 05:24 AM November 23, 2009

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 05:24:40 -0000

SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REPLY. I DIDN'T SEE THIS UNTIL TONIGHT. YOU CAN STILL HAVE MEDICADE AND NOT TAKE MEDICATIONS. HE WILL NEED SOME MEDS I AM SURE. IF A PERSON IS ONLY TAKING ONE MED. AND IS DIAGNOSED AND RECEIVES MEDICADE HELP THEN THEY ARE NOT GONNA TAKE HIM OFF UNLESS YOU CALL THEM AND SAY, HEY PEOPLE, HE IS NOT TAKING MEDICINES. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT PART. IF A PERSON STARTS WORKING AND TAXES ARE COMING OUT THEN MEDICADE PERKS UP THEIR EARS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT BY THE MG OF ZYPREXA? I THINK MAYBE U MEANT 20 MG INSTEAD OF 250. ZYPREXA CALMS MY SON AND HE SLEEPS WELL WITH IT. WEIGHT GAIN IS OUR PRIMARY CONCERN. PLEASE EMAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW MORE DETAILS IF YOU WANT TO. livelife51@gmail.com . Take care and trynot to worry a lot, let go of what you can and take care of what matters. and remember, you are special. mary(guber)

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by Spockula @ 02:58 AM November 23, 2009

Spockula — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:58:38 -0000

Believe me! I've studied Schizophrenia for years both professionally, & in private life. Yes, can be heredity, & many other causes, too. The stress/vulnerability theory makes most sense. Still much to learn, & they're still not sure. Medicine has come a long way...for sure. Knowing the cause still doesn't make it just go away, either! At least, symptoms are more managable for folks, these days...if they admit they even have it, & take steps to lessen episodes. Unfortunately, I see folks on a daily basis who still struggle. It's less of a mystery these days, & stigma is slowly lifting. Again, still a long way to go. Like anything....aging & side-effects from meds. doesn't help, either.

Can't stop crying posted by AnnieFanny@broadweave.net @ 02:53 AM November 23, 2009

AnnieFanny@broadweave.net — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:53:28 -0000

My Dad died of cancer at age 81. He had it everywhere when he was diagnosed in 2007. He died in April of 2008, so he lived a year and a few months. But what an ugly year it was for him and his 7 daughters. We took care of him to the end, and it was really hard. Our Mom, who hadn't been married to him for over 35 years, went downhill within weeks after Dad died. We just buried Mom yesterday (Nov. 21). She had Dementia really really bad the last two years. Its all ugly. If I had to chose which way to go, I wouldn't want to pick either of these.

You do at some point come to a plateau. I think its a process we all seem to go through --- and since everyone is different, the time table is different. I was decorating Dads grave every week for a while, then every month --- and now I'm not remembering to go there as often. Again --- a process. However, I have sisters who haven't been back to his grave since the funeral! I think facing it is the best way to get through things quicker --- others deal with it differently. But we had both our parents well into their 80's. We feel grateful for that because we have friends who haven't had a Mom or a Dad since they were very young.

Someone told me years ago that those who go before us are only a 'Thought' away. That helps me cope!

Good luck to you. I think in time you will be fine.

Can't stop crying posted by TMAX @ 02:45 AM November 23, 2009

TMAX — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:45:18 -0000

Aloha "Katie"---Sorry about your dad!!! Ya I remember my parents going "poof" like 10years ago & it still seems like it happened yesterday!! First my strong mom got hit with leukmia, to old for bone marrow transplant lasted the max. Dad after 2 major brain operations ended up not having a brain tumour, took a small "slip & fall" hit his head & he went "poof" 11months later "give me a break Eh" then my moms sister who lived beside her passed away from throat cancer same day as mom's did but year later to the day!!!! "God Bless" & remember the death of the righteous is no accident!!! It's a tough "gig" but you'll be O.K time heals a broken heart!! Mahalo+++++++++++++++++"Slim Kahuna Tmax"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Can't stop crying posted by Bundle-Love4World @ 02:30 AM November 23, 2009

Bundle-Love4World — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:30:49 -0000

Hi Katie,

I’m very sorry about your dad’s health condition, and understand deeply what you’re going through now, because I went through the same experience except that my dad only had 2 months to live after his diagnosis of terminal lung cancer and passed away early this summer. He was a man with extraordinary kindness to others. It was devastating for my family and me. I can feel your love, sadness and pain, because I miss my dad so much and am thinking of him every day. I couldn’t stop crying, choking many times when talking about him until recently. All I learned is that the connection is always there, and the connection never lost. Many hugs to you, my thoughts and prayer are with you and your family, hope your dad enjoys his each day with your family. If I can be of any help, please feel free to contact me at Support@CancerPreventionDaily.com.

Can't stop crying posted by carolb @ 12:15 AM November 23, 2009

carolb — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:15:26 -0000

Hi Katie!

We just lost our 96 year old Mom. We thought she would live forever too.

We know she is in a better place. They never leave us.

Be strong, talk to your Higher Power and you will accept it in your own time.

You and your family are in our prayers,

Carol

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by PT Cruzr @ 11:45 PM November 22, 2009

PT Cruzr — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 23:45:28 -0000

Octo....Sorry about reminding you. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Geez...so much for the GOLDEN YEARS. Boy, that back pain is awful .. Hope she feels better tomorrow. Does it take her a long time to recuperate from the disk problems or does it never go away? Keep us posted.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by GALOWA @ 11:23 PM November 22, 2009

GALOWA — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 23:23:43 -0000

Hi Everyone,

Though I have been on caring.com awhile and posted other places, this is my first time on this thread. I've just read through all, and I am struggling right along with the rest of you! Another time, when I am not so tired from READING, I'll write more and ask a few questions of my own.

UNTIL THEN I just want to toss a few nice SOLID facts into the pot, which may be of help to some.

Fact 1)

When it comes to medicaid (medi-cal, where I live in CA,) EVERY STATE HAS DIFFERENT RULES. One of the issues that has come up is "spending down," a reasonable tactic which everyone has a right to use, and should use, and which, by the way, medicaid expects people to use... As I understand it, spending down allows the "patient" to have maximum - $2000 cash, a home, and a vehicle of ANY kind to be eligible for medicaid nursing home payment.

Fact 2)

A person without a driver's license CAN own a car,but if there is ANY concern about it, CO-OWNERSHIP is a nice alternative. I had a perfectly adequate Volvo SW until my mother came to live with us... Adding her to our family required that I graduate to a SOCCER VAN to accommodate our entire family... As this would have been unnecessary without her presence, she is CO-OWNER, pays half ALL costs of ownership, and when she dies, it's MINE.

FACT 3)

CONTRACTS for caregiving ARE GOOD. No argument there. How you pay yourself MATTERS A LOT. The attorney's suggestion to pay yourself with "gifts" is potentially problematic. Although a "gift" has no consequences from a TAX perspective, it becomes a problem WHEN QUALIFYING FOR MEDICAID. (See FACT 1.) This is because while MEDICAID allows spending down, THERE IS A CATCH. The catch is called THE "LOOKBACK" PERIOD."

FACT 4)

THE "LOOKBACK" PERIOD" varies from state to state... To PREVENT people who require nursing home care from GIVING AWAY ALL THEIR ASSETS TO QUALIFY FOR MEDICAID, medicaid has instituted the LOOKBACK PERIOD. This is the time frame - a retrospective time frame - into which MEDICAID HAS THE RIGHT TO LOOK BACK at all the GIFTS which a potential medicaid patient has given to ANYONE, for ANY RESAON. MEDICAID has the LEGAL RIGHT TO TAKE BACK ANY AND ALL OF THOSE GIFTS, or any other DISPOSITION OF ASSETS which did not result in a FAIR or EQUITABLE EXCHANGE of benefit for the estate of the person going on medicaid. In other words, you may be saving money on taxes, BUT, if you put you loved one in a NURSING HOME, and medicaid is needed, within a "pre-set period of time"(either FROM THE DATE OF PLACEMENT or the date MEDICAID kicks in... can't recall which,) the federal government "LOOKS BACK" at HOW FUNDS MAY HAVE BEEN DISPOSED OF OR HIDDEN! if any money you've received has been transferred to you in a way that does not "qualify..."

"GIFTS" do NOT QUALIFY, but PAYMENTS FOR SERVICES (taken and given as taxable income) do...

The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CAN and will TAKE BACK THE MONEY FROM YOU. (And I do mean TAKE BACK - as they have the right to LIFT IT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT...) THE LOOKBACK PERIOD VARIES FROM STATE TO STATE. In California, where I live, I believe it is just shy of 2-1/2 YEARS. In NY State, where my mother USED to live, and where I STILL maintain her home... the lookback period is FIVE YEARS... So make sure any attorney advising you HAS KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR PARTICULAR STATE'S MEDICAID REGULATIONS AND LAWS.

FACT 5)

TO ANSWER THE INITIAL QUESTION WHICH STARTED THIS POST... My advice is USE IT ALL. Anybody who has someone living with them or is providing any hands-on care or ANY kind of care should use AS MUCH OF THEIR PARENTS' ASSETS/INCOME AS IS AVAILABLE TO MAKE THE JOB THEY DO AS SMOOTH, EASY, AND PALATABLE AS POSSIBLE. There simply is not ENOUGH MONEY IN THE WORLD to compensate for what a CAREGIVER, AND THE CAREGIVER'S IMMEDIATE FAMILY GIVE UP IN THE PROCESS OF CAREGIVING. And if for some bizarre reason, (or even a GOOD reason,) the CAREGIVER IS NOT ALSO IN CONTROL OF THE FINANCES, there should be NO ARGUMENT OVER PROVIDING THE CAREGIVER WITH WHATEVER THE HELL THE CAREGIVER NEEDS TO CONTINUE CAREGIVING IF THE CAREGIVER IS DOING A GOOD JOB... or even just a "GOOD ENOUGH" job. Talk about thankless endeavors, unreasonable and abusive clients (and employers.) Talk about a "lose-lose" job situation. Because in addition to EVERYTHING A CAREGIVER GIVES UP IN TERMS OF TIME, MONEY, FAMILY, ENERGY, PRIVACY etc, etc, etc,... the BIGGEST THING WE END UP LOSING (aside from our LIVES) is the ability to DISTANCE OURSELVES FROM THE SUFFERING, THE HEARTACHE, AND eventually... the LOSS. Because WE are the ones who are CRUSHED in the end when the loved one finally dies. CRUSHED WITH LOSS, and CRUSHED with GUILT over the relief we feel, in SPITE of the horrendous loss. So I say SPEND IT ALL...

Unless... (perhaps more to come when I am over my cold.)

Warmly, for now,

Galowa

c.suzannemcable2009

Is there a service that... posted by Suzanne Wolfson @ 10:12 PM November 22, 2009

Suzanne Wolfson — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:12:25 -0000

There are several types of companies and services available to assist you with your parents personal property. The key points you need to consider are: (1) what is their experience and knowledge base to provide these services, (2) what is the net cost to you, including the question of obtaining honest, expert estimate as to the value of items, (3) how involved do you wish to be in the process, and(4)which are you priorities - quick liquidation and/or maximizing value to the estate. As with all services providers, make sure they are able to use all options for the sale of the items and that they are truly looking out for YOUR interest not theirs. Many of these companies or service providers are small or individuals, some are great with a lot of experience, others not.

Additionally, if you are looking for assistance with the handling of the estate financial, please make sure the provider has extensive experience and hold legal fiduciary responsibility to the estate.

Is there a service that... posted by theestatelady @ 05:52 PM November 22, 2009

theestatelady — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:52:10 -0000

Oh yes, you can go to The American Society of Estate Lquidators at www.ASELonline.com and ask for a referral in your area. I own and operate this company and we can help you find the right professionals for this task. First, you have a personal property appraiser come in to figure out what has value, then bring in a liquidator after the family has chose what they want.

The PERFECT BOOK FOR YOU is THE BOOMER BURDEN - DEALING WITH YOUR PARENTS' LIFETIME ACCUMULATION OF STUFF (www.TheBoomerBurden.com), highly rated and a wonderful guide helping you through this challenging and often difficult issue.

I hope this helps you and best wishes to you and your family.

Julie Hall - The Estate Lady www.TheEstateLady.com

Is there a service that... posted by Tiane @ 05:31 PM November 22, 2009

Tiane — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:31:58 -0000

Yes there are. Might also check in the Yellow Pages under "Appraisers" or maybe "Estate". You should interview more than one and ask for any certifications to price expertise, if they will be appraising any jewelry, fine art, etc.

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by octoman @ 01:36 PM November 22, 2009

octoman — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:36:25 -0000

PT Cruse Funny you should say that,I qualifeid as a cook in the RAF,and worked under civilian chefs,but my wife has a gift for cooking and I dont, She has to guide me over our phone intercom ,for me to cook anything that needs a bit of care,to get just right, Both my daughters are good cooks but my wife beats them both,

My wife has all the housewife skills from dressmaking,to gardening. I look after weeds and dig up flowers, Not a good start, Ann disturbed her 3 prolaped disc's back getting off her commode first thing this morning,she was in agony.

I applied a rub to it,that eased the pain.she is a bit more comfortable now, my daughter just e-mailed me to tell me her husband has cut his hand very badly,he bleeds very heavily.I guess this the website of pain,and misfortune.and hope.so I am in the right place,am I not. My heatlh?I forgot about that. I was so busy telling Ann how she will be alright,not to worry. I forget about poor me.ouch,yips oh dear,I am glad you reminded me. Did I tell you of my new symtom,no ! well I only discovered it last night.I must have told you about my stomach cancer,and the new lump I had a scan of on the latest 3d all sing and dancing scanner my hospital as gotten. I found this lump moves? it has always be just in the the V shape at the bottom of my rib cage,well it has escaped from its cage,and moved up so can only just detect it,a cancer with legs?cannot be,a cyst or hernia?the doctor discounted those options will have to await the results of the scan, I guess.otherwise I feel great

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by PT Cruzr @ 12:33 PM November 22, 2009

PT Cruzr — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 12:33:25 -0000

Sorry your wife is down again. You're probably a better cook than you admit. My hubby and I generally share the cooking duties. He is a better cook than I but neither of us is starving. We make a lot of stir fries. They are pretty healthy meals and you can really add whatever sauce you like to them. They just take a lot of chopping of vegetables. My hubby makes the best chicken soup when I'm sick. And he loves my apple pie. Guess I'm the baker, he's the cook. I hope your wife taught your daughter to cook. It's an art and so many people today eat out instead of cooking at home.
Anyway, hope today is a better day for you both. One day at a time and we can all get through it. How is your health through all of this?

Wife about to start chemo posted by m24 @ 08:53 AM November 22, 2009

m24 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:53:13 -0000

Hi Evan. While I'm not in favor of chemotherapy & since you both have already decided to undergo that treatment I found an article that might help your wife during her treatment. I can't link to the article because their are advertisements on it and the moderator told me I can't link to sites that advertise products. But in short, she should supplement with the trace mineral selenium. According to the Life Extension Foundation, the use of selenium during chemotherapy in combination with vitamin A and vitamin E can reduce the toxicity of chemotherapy drugs. The mineral also helps "enhance the effectiveness of chemo, radiation, and hyperthermia while minimizing damage to the patient's normal cells; thus making therapy more of a 'selective toxin,'" says Patrick Quillin in Beating Cancer with Nutrition. Doses of about 250 MIRCO-grams a day would be helpful. Since it's a trace mineral, too much would be toxic, so take under your doctor's prescription. The safest antioxidants are vitamin C, vitamin E, selenium, and beta-carotene. Together, they block the chemical reactions that create free radicals, which can damage DNA and promote a variety of degenerative changes in cells. Chemotherapy and radiation generate free radicals; that is how they kill dividing cells

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by octoman @ 08:13 AM November 22, 2009

octoman — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:13:12 -0000

Spockula Schizophrenia the cause? I thought it was hereditary? It can be brought forward by lifestyle My mother got it early in life her sister late in life.

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by Spockula @ 07:50 AM November 22, 2009

Spockula — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:50:58 -0000

I KNOW the cause: Schizophrenia(many theories),smoking(emphysema),drinking(overall health ailments),& general problems with "the system" & lack of both family/professional supports. Now, that's just "hubby's" diagnosis'....I, too, have both physical/emotional problems,etc. It's all in how we cope with what life has dealt us. Not an easy task! Venting helps

Can't stop crying posted by Mikieanne @ 11:34 PM November 21, 2009

Mikieanne — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 23:34:00 -0000

Hi Katie- I truly empathize with your feelings about your father and his declining condition. My father passed away on my sister's birthday several years ago. About two weeks before he died, he had made the decision that he no longer wanted blood transfusions to sustain him and we, as a family were ok with that as he had lived to be 86 and he was tired. The day he made his decision, I went to see him at the nursing home he was at and the first words from his mouth after I said "hi" were "I'm going to die." I looked at him and told him. "I know Dad, and it's ok." He got a very troubled look on his face and I asked him what was wrong. He tried to tell me nothing was, but I was persistant. He finally told me that he was concerned because he had always lived by the laws of the catholic church... I knew exactly where he was going with this. He had it in his mind that the Doctor was going to help him out of this world. I assured him that while the doctor would make sure he was comfortable and not in pain, that if he was going to die it would be under his own power and that nobody was going to do it for him. He immediately relaxed and was relieved. We then chose to discuss his funeral. He and my mother had pre-paid and planned for most of their desires like caskets and headstones, but we had never really discussed what they wanted. My words to him were, "This is your last big party Dad, what do you want it to be?" We then discussed the flowers he liked and what he wanted.
We made arrangements through Hospice to take him home to die and I firmly believe that he chose to die in the nursing home as he passed away just after the ambulance pulled up to take him home. I truly believe he did not want my mother to have to live in the house and be reminded every day that he died there. When we were trying to decide what clothes to bury him in, as he and I did not talk about that, we went through several of his good clothes and finally decided that the outfit he loved to wear best was his tux. The whold family agreed and this was truly his last big celebration of his life. When my mother passed away a few years later, we buried her in her evening gown that she wore when they went out. We truly feel they are dancing together in heaven. I don't know if this helps you, but I hope and pray your father knows how much you love him and that you are able to continue to communicate that to him.

Mother angry at being in assisted living posted by tedo @ 06:02 PM November 21, 2009

tedo — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:02:23 -0000

I WILL SAY A LONG PRAYER FOR YOU TONIGHT, ITS NOT EASY TAKING CARE OF OUR PARENTS AND EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM IN A HOME. IT WAS THE WORST NIGHMARE OF MY LIFE HAVING TO PUT MOM IN ONE. BUT, PLEASE KNOW THIS IS THE SAFEST PLACE FOR HER TO BE AND WHEN THEY ARE VERY COMBATIVE AND ANGRY YOU REALLY LOSE YOUR PATIENCE WITH THEM, WHICH LEADS TO KNOWERE.

SO I THINK YOU ARE GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION WITH YOUR MOM, BUT KEEP TRYING TO BE THERE FOR HER, REMEMBER SHE MUST REALLY BE FRUSTRATED WITH HER SITUATION TOO.

TEDO

respite care posted by cccarter2005 @ 03:16 PM November 21, 2009

cccarter2005 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:16:08 -0000

I want everyone who has a family member IF they qualify for HOSPICE it is a WONDERFUL program at first I fought it but TY LOrd for bringing the program to me and most of all to Eve! You cnnot imangine what all they offer! But most of all they are caring!

respite care posted by cccarter2005 @ 03:13 PM November 21, 2009

cccarter2005 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:13:34 -0000

Yes but altho sometimes you feel you cannot go any further remember this: God will never give you more than you can carry and I am religious but not overly if that makes any sense!Somedays nothing makes sense!

respite care posted by cccarter2005 @ 03:09 PM November 21, 2009

cccarter2005 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:09:43 -0000

Aaron, you are awesome! Great advice! There needs to be more willing to share advice, adn knowledge! God Bless you! Carol

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by octoman @ 01:58 PM November 21, 2009

octoman — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:58:08 -0000

PT Cruze My daughter and my grandchildren were involved earlier this year,in a accident,the car was a write off ,a foreign lorry was the cause. My daughter had whiplash the children cuts and bruises.but they are alright now.

I had to loan her the money to buy another car .until she could sort out the insurance:yes my family do seem prone to these strange occurances.

Now Ann is bedridden,(yes she has gone down,after yesterdays heroics) I will have to put my cooks hat on again,I can only cook with Ann's guidance via our intercom,she is such a great cook,in her hands,I am pretty good. Though I managed soup and cheese on toast,without her help today .Sunday lunch, is a different kettle of fish. Well onward and upwards.

I'm being pulled so many different ways posted by PT Cruzr @ 01:01 PM November 21, 2009

PT Cruzr — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:01:03 -0000

Octoman...Sorry I didn't get back to you before this. My daughter was in a car accident (luckily not a bad one) but it was a hit and run and she is okay but without transportation for a day. Anyway, I do believe that you have had your share of caregiving and also do believe that this website can help.
After reading about your escapades at the hospital, I can't believe the purse stealing but it was understandable when I heard about my daughter's hit and run. My daughter was in the passenger seat and the car made a direct hit at her front and back door on her side and she couldn't believe that they didn't even stop to see if she was okay. It's hard to understand people but I guess the other driver was probably trying to hide something because the accident was not his fault!!
GALOWA....Also, in regard to knee surgery, I worked in a nursing home for a while until I found it too depressing and many of the residents had the surgery and I could only see wonderful results and my son in law works at the plant that makes artificial limbs for the surgery so you are helping our local economy if you have the surgery!! But honestly I have seen people who previously had pain with walking regain their mobility and I think it is a wonderful thing to have done. Just don't wait too long until it can't be done.
Take care all.

Should they know their diagnosis? posted by angelinageorge@comca @ 12:20 PM November 21, 2009

angelinageorge@comca — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:20:14 -0000

Well, its interesting you would ask this question because I'm in the same situation. My mother will not accept the fact that she has alzheimers even after doctors have told her. I have a few family members who just don't get it and have no plans on understanding the disease. Therefore I've built a network of friends who will suppport me and help me with my mom.

However, my mom will admit on occassion(very rare) that she has some memory loss and using that term makes explaining things a little easier.But,she may still be in denial so, I would tell her and leave it alone because, you will frustrate yourself by trying to explain it over and over again. Have you thought about going to a family therapist they may be able to help all of you cope with this. I have one and she has really helped me deal wth things, if your parents don't want to go you should go for your own peace of mind.

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