Jelus

Member since September 30, 2009
3 Hugs & Prayers Received, 1 Hugs & Prayers Sent, 2 Replies

Bio

I met my soulmate 1984, married him 1985, had "our" first child 1986, second child 1989, had a tear in the fabric of our life New Years 2000, had a major work injury happen to my spouse March 2000, fought a WC fight till May 2003 wherein he gave up and took a settlement that screwed him. I had fought the good fight for him all that time, my system was out of sync, I ended up tearing open L4-L5 and L5-S1 in my lower back in 2002. My first surgery 5.17.04 My spouse died 5.23.04 my second surgery 2.1.05, my third surgery 7.14.06, I sold "our" home to "our" oldest daughter 11.23.06, I left my lifetime home with my soulmate 12.5.06 and wandered lost until 10.15.08 wherein "my" oldest daughter brought me closer to her local where I have remained, still lost as of 10.01.09 I have chronic pain from my injury, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complicated Grief Disorder, Now they call it Prolonged Grief Disorder. out of almost 50 years of life I have been dealt more in the last nine years than any war torn soul of a darker world. I want so much to heal, I don't know how. I give too much of myself when I have it. Men fall in love with my ideals, it makes a mess of things. I so much want to be happy again, I dream of it. I don't see it happening anytime soon because how in the HELL do I give myself freely if I don't know who I am? I feel like I am just waiting for my life to come to an end on it's own so I can move on and still be able to find my soulmate when I pass to the other side. In a dream he told me that if I commited suicide that he would do his very best to find a place where I would not be able to find him because I could not leave "our" children with NO parent. I am losing my children as it is, how can I be leaving them if they are starting to leave me? God it is all so complicated. I don't get any of it even though I try every single day to understand and try to figure out how to help myself. I don't get steps in order so I keep coming back to square one. I have so much left to give but don't know how to get back to me to give to someone else. What a waste of the rest of my life. Like I said, I feel like I am living, waiting to finish out this life to move on to find him again. Complicated and Depressing to say the least.

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