The Health Risks of Loneliness and Senior Neglect

Good article, but whether it's because historically in this country the elderly were living with family members & that was considered to be enough for them or some other reason, support groups such as suggested don't seem to work. Several (including myself) have tried such groups in this area & they get nowhere, almost total lack of interest. (And admittedly, there's a real lack of interest in all age groups joining things any more--& they don't notice their loneliness & growing social isolation becuz they're busy still working, raising, family, taking care of elderly parents/spouse, etc--but it's the hardest, as all things in life are, for the elderly becuz you just simply spend most of every day alone. And groups that are set up specially to get people together to socialize do not work, probably becuz most people want things to feel as natural and spontaneous as possible not this awkward, being thrown together like kids being dropped off somewhere for a play date. And guess what: these kinds of groups are never going to work becuz humans spent most of our evolution whole families either living together or nearby; then as recently (as human history goes) as shortly after World War II (here in the US anyway), everybody started moving around constantly. And it wasn't the kind of immigration as before WW2 when whole families would move to a new area; nope, it was some guy who had gone to college (& the 1st ever in his family to do so) on the G.I. Bill, picked up his high school sweetheart & married her & moved far away from all family & friends. (And most of the defense contractors, corporations, etc. these guys worked for were moving them as often as every 6 months, so no chance to make lasting friends with the neighbors.) So since there doesn't seem to be any chance of changing all this (unless somebody invents a time machine to go back & never offer education via the GI Bill & therefore make people stay where they are), old people are going to be getting lonelier & lonelier. When I was young a long time ago, I heard more than once, old folks talking about how if you manage at all to make friends once you're grown, they won't be anywhere near as good as friends you make when you're a kid. Turns out they were right; recent brain mapping shows that the part of the brain used in making friends peaks at the age of 8 & then it's downhill after that. Who knew Gram & Gramps knew so much!

This is a really serious problem for those of us who are widowed and are elderly. My husband of 57+ years died 2-1/2 years ago and I feel more lonely, more grief, less able to endure than I did just after he died. I thought I was prepared for living alone. After all, my husband was a career Navy man and I spent 9-10 months at a time alone back then without the serious depression that I feel now. Maybe because I was young, maybe because I had kids to take care of. maybe because I KNEW he was coming home again. I have always been pretty independent and didn't think I would be so helpless/hopeless as now. A big portion, I realize is that I am now 83 years old and not terribly mobile. Unfortunately, I am otherwise in excellent health, and still have at least 95% of my marbles, so am not quite ready to go sit in the corner and drool as is expected of the elderly. My son lives 800 miles away and has offered to give me a room in his house with his wife's blessings. Unfortunately, the IDEA of downsizing my life into a 10x12 or so room leaves me so depressed, I think I would rather die than try to move there, even though I know they worry about me, love me, and really would love to have me live with them. On the other hand, I really cannot afford the cost of an apartment (especially not in California), and although my home here in Oregon is 2700 square feet and in a very desirable neighborhood, I can only sell it if about 1/2 what a SMALL place would cost me in my son's city. I still actually USE most of my house (all but the downstairs bonus room), and cannot imagine how I could put my books, my computers, my desk and filing cabinets, into a small bedroom BEFORE I try to fit my bed, bedroom set, and the walker that I need to use to move around in. (I fell and broke a hip 2 months after my husband died). I don't want to be all alone - am getting really fed up with the clutter that is caused by the fact I can no longer reach UP or DOWN, so must keep everything at torso level. If I sell out and move, what would I do with the 70 years accumulation of "stuff" that I still like, use, and/or need? Where would I store it? How can I share a bathroom with two teenagers when I cannot even get INTO the bathtub? Where in a small bathroom do I store the things that I use every single day - and now have within arm's reach while using the toilet as a seat? On the other hand, even though I am the Hermit type of personality, I am devastated by my lack of contacts with people. My neighbors all work, except for the old lady next door who has as much difficulty moving around as I do and as a result, we can only talk when/if we happen to see one another through a window. Neither of us are ABLE to get to the other's house - and she had a stroke a year or so ago, and has too much trouble speaking to talk on the phone. This town has a senior center, but all they do there is gossip and play bingo. (No wonder all they can do is sit in the corner and drool!!!). When my husband died, I became invisible to all of the groups with which we active. I have had NOT ONE phone call from any of the organizations that either of us participated in before his death and/or my broken hip. Neither have I had one phone call or visit from anyone in the church! That is, except for the Mormon missionaries that makes their rounds in the community. They, at least, made it a point to come by about once a month to see if I needed help with anything. Bless their hearts, they bathed my dog, changed a light bulb, installed a grab bar, pulled weeds out of my front yard, covered my front screen door with plastic to cut down on the wind last winter. Last winter, I dislocated my "good" hip and almost starved to death because I lost the ability to get my walker in and out of my car. Can't balance long enough to lift it into or out of my car. Therefore, I was unable to get to the grocery store for fresh veggies, fruit, milk, bread. Nor was I able to stand long enough to cook anything so made casseroles and then froze them into meal sized portions which I ate until I starting gagging on them! I would probably have given up except for the fact that I have a dog that we rescued from the pound and she NEEDS me. She is the only reason that I did not just give up and find a way to die. My pain with the dislocated hip was so bad I still cannot sleep in my bed more than an hour or so. I have to spend most of my time in my recliner. When I go to the doctor, I have to call them to let them know I am at their door and they come out to my car and take my walker out of the car and bring it around to my driver's door. Then, they put it back into the car for me when I leave. When I get home, I can get out of the car and walk the step or two to my OTHER walker that I have left beside where my car is to be parked when I return. I use it to get to the back door, PULL myself up the two steps into the house and then use the walker I keep inside the house to move around there. I have found that I can empty my dishwasher and my dryer if I sit in my walker to bend over. That way, I am able to use both hands to do whatever I need to do instead of using one of them to hold on as I have to do when I am standing. The county finally decided to give me a home health aide after about 2-1/2 months last winter, and she has been a Godsend!!! She gets me to the grocery store, the post office, the bank, and anywhere else that I need to go where I need to get out of my car. I have had her help 25 hours a month. Now, the county has just informed me I will get her only 10 hours a month. I guess I don't really need to eat, go to the post office for stamps, etc., or maybe I just need to shower once a week???? It is really scarey to be all alone, unable to walk without help, and then to try to shower! It's also awful to have to spend Christmas Day staring at the walls of your house with no gifts to give or receive, no celebration, no songs, no children, no Christmas dinner --- or Thanksgiving dinner, either. Life is empty, with no purpose in living other than to be there to take care of my dog. I find that all the things that I used to want to do, I no longer care about. I have always been a voracious reader, but these days, the only thing I read is what shows up in my e-mail. No TV or radio here in this town unless you have cable and since my husband died, I cancelled that as prohibitively expensive. I tried to get a phone tree started last winter by talking to a couple of people at the church. They were really enthusiastic about the idea - if I would do it - and I was willing until I dislocated my hip. That ended that idea!!! My idea was simply to have people call one person in the AM and one in the PM - and to receive one call in the AM and one in the PM. That would have been 4 contacts daily so that someone would know if we were alive or dead. My greatest fear is that I will die alone and no one will know for a week or more and my poor dog will get locked into the house with no one to let her out, nor to feed/water her. There are NO groups, organizations, etc in this town that are available to seniors, handicapped, etc. We are simply invisible for the most part. I think that had I known that aging is so inconvenient in so many ways, and is such a lonely life as well, I might have lived more dangerously when I was younger in the hopes that I would die younger. As it is, if family history is to be given any credence at all, I probably have 10 to 15 more years of this --- if I can tolerate it. I HATE being so hopeless! I HATE being so helpless! I HATE being so needy!!!

Does having an animal companion alleviate some loneliness? I have heard people say this is true.

I really encourage people to become familiar with computers.Inexpensive reconditioned computers can often be found, and there are classes or perhaps a grandchild could be asked to teach one how to use them. Genealogy is a great pastime and can help people stay involved and find connections. I found my father's Italian family and now e-mail back and forth with a cousin-in-law in Papa's village several times a week. I participate in online news discussion groups. These things can help to ward off loneliness especially if mobility keeps one homebound. Computers truly are a window on the world, and help to keep one engaged with the larger community.

Will u b putting this article on your facebook page? I don't know how to share it from here. It says share this page but I don't see how? thanks

I am responsible for my Mom. Alzheimers and at home with 6 hrs/day of caregivers, but time for something more in terms of care. I am a retired RN. I KNOW AL would be a good choice, but how does one deal with a manipulative, angry, depressed, narcissistic mother who's only response to any solution offered is, " I just want to be with FAMILY. 'EVERYBODY' tells me that FAMILY should care for someone who is 90 years old!" She lives in a town with no family. She has a granddaughter and husband with 6 kids at home a perfect house in terms of space for her AND a variety of family who could help spend time with her....but she won't consider them, because she doesn't like how they keep up their house! I have a husband with Parkinson's already and I am 71 with my own chronic pain problems, so going to be hard enough to be there for him as he needs more and more help. Other daughter of mine lives two hours away from her Nana, but has husband, son that she home schools and also has a back injury and lives on narcotics due to chronic pain, so has to pace herself already, just to stay out of a wheel chair. She is 45 yrs old, so not too young herself. And as for 'everybody', there is no 'everybody' that she spends time with. Her caregiver is not giving her this message, and neither are her neighbors as they think she should be in AL. One (only one left alive) friend in her town is moving to AL herself and asked Mom to move with her, so they would know each other while there. OH NO! My mom is never leaving her home and is never living in AL. However, she's not happy home with caregivers for even the 6 hours per day and insists she is perfectly fine and capable alone in her house, BUT the constant calls, already, even with caregivers, about how lonely she is, and when is someone coming to visit or when is the next time she can come to one of our houses, and all the issues of being all alone just keep coming and coming. AND once when confronted about what she thought was a reasonable amount of time for her out of town family to come spend with her, she actually said two weeks out of the month. I just assume she means the other two should be spent visiting with us at our homes, but I didn't ask that!! I am sure that if I offered to divorce my husband and move in with her until she died, she would think that a good choice all around, since she never has liked him anyhow....and her actions around him, have certainly led to him not wanting her in our home with us, although he is polite and nice to her for approx. a 4 day visit once in a while! I have POA and am trustee of the trust, because she cannot handle paying bills or making any decisions other than routine housewife type of them. AND now she's running out of cash so we are where we either have to tap money out of the home to pay for the caregivers, or sell it and have her move. She won't consider ANY decisions. We've been trying since April and lawyer has now given her until end of November to make a decision. Well, to her, this is too much to bear, since her husband just died in August, and 'everyone' says one should not make any major changes for at least a year!! However, my Dad had not lived in the home with her for 2.5 years before he died. He was in a Memory Care facility and she managed to visit him for exactly ONE HOUR per day out of her life....even living in the same town, and having a caregiver to do all the driving. She spends more time daily browsing through the grocery stores! We have tried everything we can think of to get her to decide and she just won't. The past couple weeks, we get hints that she seems to think if she refuses and we're out of money, she'll have to get to come live with one of us, but NOT the family in Washington State! So with a phone conference yesterday, and the caregiver's help there with her, we gave her three choices and told her she had to decide by Monday which of the three it was going to be, so I could get started with the process. Trying 3 pieces of paper with the choices on them, and then write the PROs and CONs of each choice so she could focus on which one had the most PROs in it.....with caregiver trying to keep the conversation and focus going on that. Mom doesn't want to even try that one! I guess, as lawyer says, if she cannot make a decision herself, then we'll decide what I think is best and blame it on him. I would pick an AL in my town about 2 miles from me, where she can have her own apartment even, not just a room and a bath....but will sign no contracts, so if she doesn't like it, the next option would be Wash. State with the family who wants her. Seems the best first and second choice to me. I can see that she would be better around others....but she would have to choose to socialize and not depend on just family for all her entertainment. We just cannot do it, with all in our own lives. Any other thoughts or ideas would certainly be appreciated!!

Realizing that my fatigue is contributing to my not going out of the house.

The absolute worse thing for senior health is isolation. As the article points out, loneliness and isolation simply exacerbate physical and mental ailments and act as a catalyst to over all decline. If you are feeling isolated, it is imperative that you take action and reach out to others. If you are a caregiver, you have to make sure that your patient of loved one isn't being neglected.

Witch in Winter - I am so sorry that you feel so alone. I am 55 and a widow. I can go for days now with no phone ringing. I have gotten more comfortable with it, but it was really hard at the start. Have you thought about finding out if there is a blind person in your area that you could read the newspaper to each morning? I have a friend that is about your age, and she does this - it gives the spouse time to do household morning chores, while giving to the person without sight. It gives you a 'voice' with someone, and is a fairly easy way to volunteer more hours without a lot of effort.

I think this article was written about me. I spent the Labor Day weekend without talking to anyone other than my friend Jan who called to check in with me. We are both 70 and widows. She has a family that she is in contact with a lot. I have family also, but must call them, they don't call me. Yes I know they are busy...and I volunteer 10 hours a week, and do other things but still.... Thanks for listening.

No need to join. There was no solution to the situation. Most already know isolation is a killer. Most already know loneliness is a killer BUT there is not one solution offered. A tub that is safe: Can a person living on Social Security afford one of these. I think NOT. Does anyone offer to assist with the cost of purchase or installation...I THINK NOT. Living in a community is not a solution...TOO MANY ARE NOT STABLE AND WOULD HURT ANOTHER SENIOR. TOO MANY SENIORS WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES....MOST RELATIVES ARE NOT WILLING TO SPEND TIME WITH SENIORS OR DISABLED, NOT EVEN A REGULAR PHONE CALL TO CHECK ON THEM. I HAVE PHONE CALLS AND THERE ARE TWO PHONES...ONE LAND LINE AND ONE CELL...WHEN A CALL IS NOT ANSWERED NO MATTER WHAT THE HEALTH OF THE PERSON DOES NOT MATTER BECAUSE NO ONE COMES OVER TO CHECK. I HAVE BEEN LYING ON THE FLOOR OUT COLD. I HAVE BEEN ON THE FLOOR BLEEDING FROM MY HEAD....ARTERIAL BLEED FOR HOURS....COULD BLEED TO DEATH.. TAKEN TO ER VIA AMBULANCE WITH BLEEDING WITHOUT STOPPING AND AFTER TWO HOURS THE DOCTOR FINALLY TOOK ENOUGH TIME TO DOUBLE CHECK....EVEN WITH PRESSURE THE BLEEDING CONTINUED TO BLEED AND TOWELS CHANGED WITHOUT BLEEDING STOPPED....FINALLY DECDED IT MUST BE AN ARTERIAL BLEED NOT STOPPED BY PRESSURE...!!!!!!! HOW I AM STILL ALIVE IS ONLY DUE TO GOD....NOT ANYONE ON EARTH. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE. I WATCH MY MOTHER SPEND YEARS.....ALONE.....MY FAMILY CHOSE TO NOT LET ME LIVE WITH HER BECAUSE THEN THERE WOULD BE TWO TO CARE AND WORRY ABOUT AND IT WOULD INTERUPT THEIR LIVES. WHY DO ALL THIS RESEARCH WHEN NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE THE TIME NOR SPEND THE MONEY TO CARE FOR THE SENIORS OR DISABLED.

Hi Sisterhood3 - How I feel for you. 4+ years ago, my siblings and I (mostly I) had to pry Mom and Dad away from the home they had built themselves and lived in for 32 years. They were completely unable to keep up with the upkeep and Mom was well beyond planning/cooking meals - they ate most meals out. Please dont' have any guilt about not being able to stop your mother from purchasing a home. We all have parents with impaired judgement, especially when it comes to their own abilities. My Dad is now 92, and still thinks that he could manage having his old home back - which is outrageous - he can barely stand up without help, and he is tipped so far forward that if he falls, he falls forward. He's very tippy. Get your Mom on the list for the assisted living portion of the senior apartments, and ask them if there is any way she could be moved up on priority. There was a waiting list of 3 people ahead of Mom and Dad for the Assisted Living 2 years ago, and all 3 passed on the apartment that was available, so Mom and Dad got it. Don't tell your Mom it's Assisted Living - the services of Assisted Living are paid by what they end up doing for your Mom - just let her know that the meals come with the apartment, and other seniors are there as well. Take care, and be sure to let us know how you're doing!

Babylettuce2009 - I remember when my mother was housebound caring for my father 24/7. I lived 350 miles away but tried to get there every month to give my mother a reprieve. My mother and father had such a wonderful sociable life before his PD got bad and now no one was there to visit them during their darkest hour. My mother became physically ill with pneumonia caring for him without help and we had to make the decision for my father to go into a nursing home. My dad passed away last year and now my mother is here with us. In a way, she is still housebound especially now with me recovering from surgery. She is questioning her decision to move here now because one needs a car to get around and she can't drive due to her macular degeneration. She finally asked the other day about the senior apts 5 miles from us. She feels she would have more people around her there. I called the complex and they have a waiting list of 2 yrs or more. She would be almost 90 years old by then. She also would have to sell her house or she would be paying for two residences. She realized she should have thought more about her decision to move here in the hopes that all her problems would be remedied. She needs to be here with us - no doubt and we are usually there for her every day. She was hoping to resume her active life as before with friends her age but how many elders her age are able to live on their own and still able to get around fairly well and who drive and stil have their minds? Not too many. I want the best for her, but her visual impairment limits her social life as she can't go on trips with our senior center and she doesn't like going there because she can't read the cards to play bingo or cards. I do wish she had thought about her decision to buy a house again. I do wish she had not been so quick to poo pooh an apartment. I do wish she would have waited a bit longer before she decided to move away from where she and my dad had lived for 7 yrs. she did have some friends there and her bridge club tolerated the fact she had to use a bright light and magnifiers to see the cards. She could walk to the supermarket and bank and drug store. Eventually she would have to be here with us, but we would have had time to think things through. She just wanted out of her misery so bad, she made some impulsive decisions that really didn't work out in the best way possible. For the first time she was making decisions without my dad and she didn't want to take her time and think things through even though my husband and I explained how rural our area was etc. she just wanted out of her present situation. It bothers me every day but she takes responsibility for her decisions. I write on this site because I know how important it is for seniors and elders to make reasonable decisions according to their medical conditions and age. When my mother moved here a year ago - her vision was failing but she could still see enough to get around. In one year's time she only has shadowed vision in one eye. She's blind in the other. She's should really be in asst living but I will never say that to her. Her denial is very strong. As long as she is safe in her home, we will do out best to keep her there. We all have lessons to learn and teach. This is a big lesson for me.

sisterhood3 - Thanks for the hug and prayer. I don't think I would be alive now if it weren't for my prayer warriors. I appreciate your words of encouragement. My Dad is losing words now. He doesn't understand many of the simple commands that I use to help move him from the wheelchair to the bed or toilet. He tries, bless him, but he just isn't processing language for the most part. He's also having more difficulty eating. Maybe how to use a spoon and fork is slipping away? He was up in the night 2 times last night - I think he couldn't find his bed after he left it. I'm still not sure why he got up in the first place, or how he managed to get to the LR without falling. My husband and I still struggle with loneliness, but it helps to take advantage of the 5 day respite that Hospice offers. My next one will be a do-it-yourself fat camp and spa at home. :) Blessings to all.

To anonymous - you are calling yourself a senior at 56? I still consider you young. You say you have no family, then you speak about 3 grown children. Have you considered trying to get back in touch with your grown children? Seems like it might be worth a try - although it does take work on both sides to mend fences... To Chaya - Have you stopped with the speech therapy? How long ago was your stroke? You could consider speech therapy, or consider trying a Toastmasters group in your area. In your initial visit to the group, explain your stroke's after effects, and let them know that you would like to be active in their group to work on improving your speech. Do you read the newspaper aloud to practice speaking? Do you still do the exercises that the speech therapist gave you after your stroke to make sure your enunciation is correct as well. You will find that many people, once you explain that you wish to do something like Toastmasters will get together with you and help you practice speaking so that your 'word salad' improves. Try it - what do you have to lose - and if you don't use your speech, you will lose more of it! Also, you can use stroke.org as a resource - they do amazing things, and have lots of information on their website! Best wishes!

It inspired people to share their stories, and I can see I am not alone! Even vicarious, online friends are better than none.

Hello All - I've been off this site for a few weeks. I had total knee replacement surgery last week and just now able to get back to the computer. I read the new comments and feel so badly that isolation seems to be the common thread. I am on this site because my mother is isolated and craving the social life she used to know. Now, because of my surgery, I won't be able to take my mother out for another 6 weeks or so. I know she is counting down the days when we can venture out again. But I have to ask - what do you do for a social life? I am wishing my mother had moved into senior housing where she would have made so many friends. Do you have any support network at all - such as senior centers or church activities? This would be a Godsend for my mother right now, but she doesn't want to attend anything if one of us is not there. She is new to our area and has a visual impairment, so I guess she is more comfortable when I'm there. I guess I'm just wondering if it is family you are missing - or a social life too?

As I get older, I say the most stupid things that push away my children and grandchildren as they want to avoid the things that come out of my mouth. I had a stroke which left me alive, but the speech area of my brain does word switching. Recently, I said to my granddaughter something about a woman who wants to live as a man but does not take hormones to change has the best of both worlds. She can love a woman if she wants, but if the couple wants to have a baby, they can have sex, just like a rape. I meant artificial insemination, and this came out. It took me four days to realize the look on my granddaughter's face, so I e mailed her and told her she may be better off without me, rather than have to hear the bad stuff that comes out of my mouth and I apologized. So far, I scared off my son and his wife, and now their 20 year old daughter. I hate myself so much. BTW, to anonymous, I am in the same boat most of the time, and have to beg and bribe my son to let me come and visit for just an hour with the new toddler grandkids. I haven't heard from him for months, and after this latest diarrhea of the mouth, don't ever expect to hear from him ever again. The pains of my body giving out (I, too, am disabled), aren't as bad as the hole in my heart.

I am only 56 and a senior with no family,disabled with back problems and lupus. I wonder if I will die of a broken heart and 3 grown children who do not care

diverdown - Talk about stress! And you are dealing with pain too. So sorry to hear about your cockatoo. That wears on you too - just thinking about him - especially because you had him during a happier time in your life. Life can change on a dime - as you know. Your poor mom is in a bad stage in her life too and this will wear you down. She's not aware enough to cut you some slack - and while living in the present is great for some, it doesn't help your job any. I don't know if you are religious, but I have had many a talk with God and I have to say He has been listening. No man/woman is an island, and we all need help in dealing with the impossible. Some things are bigger than us, and we can't handle it all. Have you and your sisters thought about getting outside help for you mom? This will take some burden off you. Have you called your local Office for the Aging? They can send someone in to do an assessment on your mom and ask questions about her insurance etc. There are people who know your mom's medical condition and can be of enormous help. My dad had Parkinson's Disease and it gets more difficult as the disease progresses. It's not just the dementia that is of concern. Parkinson's effects the nerves and muscles and it gets tricky if their swallowing is effected. Anyway, there are great websites for dementia and Parkinson's disease that have many great suggestions. As far as your feelings of isolation, I always say this: "And this too shall pass." Nothing ever stays the same and can change at a moment's notice. I hope you will get your life back. It may not be the same as before, but you will be able to concentrate on yourself once again and get back into the world.

Best truth I just read on this forum is the lack of physical contact with anyone or a pet. You are so right on this point. First night I have been on this site, will be back soon. I just turnd 59 and have been living with my mom for almost 4 yrs. I was in S. FL and had to give up my cockatoo when I moved to AZ because I lost my job as a legal asst. and couldn't afford my appt. Have been trying to find him for all this time w/ no luck.and I miss my baby boy. My sisters moved my mom to FL because they think I'm incompetent and my mom is crying every day, she hates FL, wants to move but won't be happy anywhere I know. She has been diagnosed with Parkinsons for years, the dementia has been increasing SO rapidly, I took her to a neurologist last Mon. and going back next wk. No short term memory at all - can be less than 30 secs. I answer the same ?s 50x/day.I fave her a notebook today with answers and she forgot about it w/in 2 min. 'm reaching out for help, advice, staving off isolation. Haven't one to sleep yet, it's so peaceful afte being stalked all day. Smashed my patella over 8 mos. ago and never healed because I never got to stay off my leg. Every time I get back on my bed mom is calling me, I think she forgets about my knee sometimes. Reassure all the time that your loved one is safe with you, mom asked me again to shoot her today, I asked if she wanted me to go to jail for the rest of my llfe, response: I'll be dead, I don't care. This is not the mother who raised me. I'm so tired of cryig all the time. If anybody would like a great laugh, look up Dr. Seuss's poem on Aging, if you can't find it, I have it, you'll love it. I know I'm not alone and I'm so sorry to be on this type of site and feel or you all. I wish I could grant you all peace but I'm powerless like everybody else.

Babylettuce2009 - I send you the biggest hug and prayer too for your allegiance to your father. I would be upset and mourn for my life again too if I didn't have my husband here to support me in caring for my mother and grandson. At least we have each other to lean on. It is a tragedy for both of you not to have that much-needed companionship and to yearn for it so much. I sometimes look at my situation from a "bird's eye view" in order to gain perspective of things when I feel like it's getting out of control. For me, even though at times it makes no sense in the grand scheme of things, I see that everything we do in this life is accounted for when it comes to helping others. What we put in, we get back. Nothing is lost in our caring for those in need. It is what I am supposed to be doing in this moment in time and when I am finished with this period in my life, I will move on to my next endeavor - what ever it may be. I set my sights on being free to travel to visit old friends who would live to see me again and I just think about the time when I will be free to have myself back again. My care giving is going on 3 plus years now - as I started off caring for my sister who had a brain tumor. I couldnt leave her side for a minute and even stayed with her when she went to a nursing home after she had a stroke from the medication for her tumor. Then my dad became ill when my sister died and my mother became ill trying to care for my dad 24/7. It was a chain reaction. Sometimes it feels as if it will never end, but things don't stay the same forever. I always say "and this too shall pass." My favorite saying. We are all on a journey here either as caregivers or the ones needing care as we get older. It is what I have to do now - the same as having to work to make money to survive. People who get through life without ever having to be caregivers are just on a different journey. I do envy them at times, but I wouldn't stop helping anyone in need. It is what I have been called to do for now. I hope you find a way out of your isolation and perhaps join a support group or get to see your husband more. Keep us posted and try to find out what's available for you to help you out.

I think this article brought up some valid points for our aging population. I couldn't help applying some of these issues to myself and caregivers in general. We are isolated by 24/7 caregiving and unable to have our normal social network. I have hospice for my Dad who has Alzheimer's, so I get visits from a nurse, chaplain, and social worker. None of that helps with the overwhelming loneliness. I've been caring for Dad for almost 3 years. My husband left last year to be with his father as he passed away. He is also establishing an acupuncture practice where we will both live, eventually. My family (so this is best for Dad) is here and I see them occasionally. The bone-crushing loneliness I feel because I'm 1200 miles away from my husband with no end in sight is torture. Options are few and the prison is endless.

Thank you Grandma Pat for your response to me. I am so glad you and I were both responding on this site at the same time! We live in NYS and there are so many new senior complexes going up all around us. There is a waiting list but I imagine the list would move along quickly as people's situations change. We have 3 senior centers in our area and many of the seniors go to all three because they meet on different days. My mother tried to go but she had such a difficult time keeping up because of her vision problem. A very kind lady helped her out that day but my mother didn't want to do that again. She felt badly taking the woman's time all day. But they all invited her back. They were so nice. I'm getting depressed just thinking about the opportunities my mother is missing. I'm so glad you will be researching this. You know - my mother and father were so independent their whole senior life. I know my mother still considers herself to be independent. She is in many ways because she stills cooks for herself and lives in her own home but she doesn't drive anymore and depends on others to help her shop. I think she would feel more independent if she could go with friends out to lunch or to a movie or whatever she can do without feeling she is relying on someone who is more sighted than she is. Her whole world would open up. I wish you the very best Grandma Pat. Please let us know how you are doing with your plans. I would love to hear from you again.

Hello, Thank you all for you comments on this topic. I am glad that you found it helpful. If you are considering a senior community, our Family Advisors can help you sort through the senior housing options and find care communities in your area. Family Advisors are available 7 days a week and can be reached at: (866) 824-8174

Great article! I watched my mom go thru alot of this from afar...and I know how loss can affect the heart. People do die from heart ache.

Gramma Pat - what a wonderful, thoughtful person you are to read what Sisterhood 3 posted and apply it to your own situation. I think that you will find that the senior communities are a wonderful place to be, with all the activities and new friends to make. Congratulations on your choices, to both be closer to your sons, and for making a great choice to help you live safely!

Thank you, Sisterhood3. You absolutely cannot believe how important your response was to my posting. Just that same afternoon that I posted my comment I was online searching the real estate agents in the town where my youngest son lives. I was looking for a house. After reading your comments about your mom and her choice to purchase a home and with the result that she is still isolated to some degree, I began to rethink my own search. Even though you spend as much time as you can with your mom, it cannot replace day-to-day interaction with others. In addition, if your mom is anything like me and it sounds like she is....she feels guilty about taking you away from your own responsibilities. What a dilemma - a child who is doing the best that she can for her elderly parent and still feeling it is not enough and the parent who feels that she is placing a burden on her child. That is what began to go through my mind as I continued reading your comment. While I have some misgivings about being in a senior community, I have now come to the conclusion that purchasing a house would be a big mistake - and that living in a community would be the best choice for myself and my kids. In addition, I, also, have macular degeneration - but currently, still able to drive. Because my father lived with me, there was no extra travelling, extra grocery shopping, extra visits for companionship. I always knew when he was having a problem and could quickly get him to the doctor without too much schedule shifting. To be honest, I would not want to live with either of my sons.......I love them both, but their homes are very small with no extra rooms - one bathroom - and I know that I would always feel as if I were crowding them. So you have helped me greatly and I am feeling less stressed about it. I was saddened to hear what you and your family have experienced - we never know, do we, what trauma the person in front of us in line or in the car next to us on the freeway - is suffering. Blessings to you and thank you.

Grandma Pat - I agree about the pet part! It keeps you grounded. They are so loving I can't imagine not having one. I am wondering if you still drive? It sounds as if you do. My mother had to give up driving due to her macular degeneration. It was a sad day for day for us all. It took away her independence. I wish she could use the computer too, but she can't see screen anymore. I think that would help a lot and keep her in touch with people.

Grandma Pat - I send the biggest hug and prayer to you! You did a great job raising your daughter's sons after her passing. That must have been so difficult but ultimately rewarding. We lost my sister at 59 yrs old 2 yrs ago from a brain tumor. Then my dad died of a broken heart over that pretty much and then my sister's husband succumbed to his stage 4 cancer - and all within one year of my sister's passing. I wrote my peace (and piece) in regards to my mother because she made the move down to us and left a life that she had grown accustomed to in her 80's. She was familiar with the area and had friends. She thought she would find the same thing here by us, but it's not the same. It's a year since she joined us here and there are too many lonely days for her. I'm glad she is closer to us because I would always be worried about her 360 miles away. But I think she should have thought about the reality of her move here. We work a lot and watch our grandson too while my daughter works. At 87 yrs old, a new area is difficult to get used to. And there are no other women in our neighborhood who are close to her age. As you said - many do not have their health or mental faculties. I clearly should have insisted she move to senior housing at least. She would have made friends by now in this past year and she would not be lonely. I'm not sorry she moved here. I'm just sorry I didn't talk her out of buying her own home. It would be such a relief to me to see her happy and thriving with other seniors. That's what she needs. We could still see her whenever we wanted. There's a lovely complex 10 minutes away. Well - that's my advice to anyone who is thinking about a move closer to their children. I feel like a failure sometimes because I can't meet my mother's needs on a daily basis. I do my best and get her to her doctor appts and food shopping and we go out to eat once or twice a week, but she needs senior activities that only friends can provide. This is just my thoughts on how to make your move a positive one. It is a big step and I don't minimize that at all. It's stressfull. I know because I packed up my mother's house and brought her down to her new home. She had a rough adjustment - especially when she saw us working everyday and juggling my grandson and of course trying to fill in her time too. I know what you mean about wanting solitude when life is so busy. And now that you have it - it's not what it's cracked up to be. I hope you work it out and find a happy medium. Thank you for your story.

I am one of those over 80 senior citizens who lives alone. My husband died two years ago. Actually, I always felt I would be quite okay to live alone - that is, when I was younger and had a lot of responsibilities (family, working, etc.). With all I had to do there were times that I really wished for that kind of solitude. My father moved in with us when he was 80 and I was 51. He lived with me for 12 years before he passed. A few years later - my daughter died at age 44 leaving 2 teenage sons (she was a single parent). The boys moved in with me. I "gotta" tell you, teaching a 15 year old how to drive when you are 70 is a real experience.....more "thrilling" than a high roller coaster in an amusement park. His brother went away to college after 2 years at a community college and then the younger one moved to Florida. Very soon after the older boy graduated from college he came back home and suffered a severe depression which lasted for quite a while and really had me worried. While all this was going on, my husband's congestive heart failure and his COPD began to worsen and there were lots of trips to physicians, hospital stays, and a month in a rehab facility. Then, to topple him even more...he lost hearing in his right ear which, we learned, was due to a rare blood cancer. Wow. He went through chemo and survived it without too much impact on his declining physical condition. My grandson gradually got better and moved out on his own. He is now in grad school and working. My husband's condition gradually declined until he passed from CHF nearly two years ago. Up until a month before he passed, I was still working....but was replaced (at age 80) due to a change in the organization of the company for which I worked. (BTW, they paid my replacement 3 x more than they paid me.) Oh, well. So now, I am alone and have developed some serious anxiety issues over the past year along with a pesky SVT issue that heightens the anxiety. (Being treated for it.) This anxiety causes me to stay in the house without contact for days at a time. I am still able to go to the grocery store and do a few errands, but they are very, very brief sojourns out. I do not have a support network nor a list of friends to contact as my life was so filled with working and caregiving, I really did not have either the time or desire to work on it. (I know...my fault.) Both my sons live out of state. The oldest(60) recently had a heart attack and is recuperating. The youngest(55) was just diagnosed with Lyme disease. Thus, to expect them to be here for me on a regular basis is not an option. Yes, I am lonely sometimes to the point of depression. I plan to move to the location in which one of my sons - lives BUT it is so difficult - going it alone here - attempting to divest myself of all the items in the house and to, ultimately, sell it. I wish I could just wave a wand and make it all happen. You may wonder why I have shared my saga with this group. It is because I'd like the readers to see that we are not just "old folks" but people who led productive lives and who, no matter how chronologically old we are, our thoughts are not the same age as our bodies. Ask any elder about that (one who still is blessed with cognition) and they will tell you the same. Thus, when thinking about that elder parent or relative, remember that while you may have not "known" them as you do a sibling, a friend or an acquaintance....try to attempt to understand the "person" that exists, a complex, interesting, valuable human being who - while they may be "long in the tooth" still has a good bit of wisdom and love to share. Well, that is my piece and I wish the best to all of you in your journeys. And, by the way, it is my experience that having a pet helps allay some of the loneliness. I have the best little dog in the world.

Same situation in France : in 2005, about 55 % among the french old women aged 85-90 live alone. Source : http://www.insee.fr/fr/themes/document.asp?reg_id=0&ref_id=ip1153&page=graph#graphique3

Thank you CA Claire for your tesponse and your good advice. I can't explain how it feels to call her in the morning while I'm at work and know that she will be sitting in her house for the day by herself. We do have what's called Dial-A-Bus here and for $2 a day the bus will come to the house and pick her up and take her wherever she wants to go. We did this a few times - but always someone accompanied her. She must be afraid to attempt this on her own because of her vision problem. She will never admit it though. She has many limitations now - including a heart condition and she doesn't like to go out of the house even to do gardening on the hot humid days. She loves her new home but she is really a prisoner in her own home now. I thank everyone and feel for everyone who is in this position and also in my mother's position. I am in my early 60's but I will say one thing. When I am no longer able to run my home the way it should be run and I start to feel alone, I am moving into a nice senior apartment complex where there's always something going on or a neighbor who is in the same boat as me. If anything - there is a lesson to be learned about planning for the future.

Hi Sisterhood3 - Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Blaming yourself for your Mother's isolation is unproductive. Try to look at it from the perspective of your Mother - she lived during, or just after, The Great Depression. People had to stand in line for soup kitchens, people lost their homes, pretty much everything except the clothes on their back. This is why it's so important for people of your Mother's generation to OWN their home. You can just make the best of it you can, until you can make a change for her. You have done your best, and that's all you can do. Keep trying to find activities that may interest her, but realize she feels that she's the adult (you are the child, no matter how old you are), and will do as she pleases. Take heart, though. At some point she will change, and your job will be easier.

Program Director - I called out local assisted living center and inquired about their programs. It sounded good to me - however the cost was $60 a day. So I presented this and the program activities to my mother and she said"We'll that sounds like Granny Daycare!" I would have paid the money for her - even if she only attended one day a week. But my mother doesn't see herself as 87 and isolated. If she did, she would jump at this chance. She used to play bridge with her friends twice a week and then go to Curves for socializing and exercise when she and my dad lived in their town home. But she could walk to these places and her friends came to her house or they lived locally. She's in end stage macular degeneration and so visually impaired so she can't see the cards anymore anyway but I looked into many programs for her that would accommodate her condition. She doesn't want to go because she has to rely on others to help her. We have someone who takes her out twice a month from one of the Assoc for the Visually Impaired but that's about it now. The rest is up to us and our time is limited too. I am very upset I didn't see this coming. If she was living in the Senior complex she would have made friends by now and could have an active social life. Then when we stop by we could always fill in her time with other things and she would have a fuller life. I know I can't cry over spilt milk - but I am extremely guilt ridden and upset that I didn't see this coming. I did sit down with her before she moved and explained our situation to her but she wanted her own home again and she made up her mind that she was going to do that. So here we are. She's isolated and I'm torn up about it.

This was a great article, but I'm surprised it didn't suggest senior centers or adult day programs to keep these folks socialized.

Shocking how quickly our body shuts down when there isn't any physical touch, talk, good food. My husband and I ,82 and 77 , live in a senior park. We take care of each other including the very sick. Hot dishes, fresh fruit, conversation complete our day. No it isn't fancy, but the park is huge on caring for each other. We have a neighborhood of white hair, and stiff joints, but we are all more than that.. We are friends and old. Excellent article. Copied and put into my file.

Now that I think of it - we had a neighbor - an elderly woman of about 82 yrs old who lived by herself. She only owned the house for 3 yrs before she developed dementia and almost set her house on fire. She was also falling a lot and finally a neighbor called the woman's daughter and the daughter moved her in to her home. She seemed fine when she moved into the house years ago. Three years later she couldn't live on her own anymore. Yes - loneliness is a bad thing. I don't understand the need to own your own home after a certain age. A house requires a lot of work and expense. We have so many senior housing complexes going up all around us now. And they're filling up fast. I'm sure there would be plenty of company there and loneliness would not be an issue. Such a shame. I couldn't get my mother to think differently. She insisted on buying a new home. Must be a generational thing.

I already knew that loneliness can be a bad thing, but to be a killer was surprising. When a person starts having more and more physical problems, getting out with friends is difficult. Then if all your friends and family are dying quickly due to age, that can be a big blow too.

OMG, this is so sad. I remember telling my family I really needed them to come and see me, but they are usually too busy. Then, I began feeling the walls closing in and being extremely lonely. I now usually have on I tunes or Hulu.com or Netflix on my computer (no TV), ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT, just to hear voices.

I wish I had these statistics when my father died and my mother decided to move closer to us in her own home. I would have insisted she go into a senior apt complex or asst living. She is 87 and has severe macular degeneration. She depends on us for everything and has no friends here as we live in an isolated area. She left all the friends she had in her last home with my dad. I don't think it's so important to own a house after a certain age. Senior housing or asst living would be so much better. We work full time and it's difficult to meet all her needs. I wish I had the opportunity to do this all over again. I never would have let her buy her house. She doesn't know what she's missing.

Senior care in many countries, are mostly palliative in nature such as some with 20% discount on a number of things. I guess you are in the right direction that Senior Citizens need more than that. Many cases of depression loneliness and feeling isolated from the mainstream of society, where ever, are the things neglected by the Government and slow in addressing this problems. This is a global problem ---Caring for the Elderly in the right time with the right solutions.