What Is a "Good Death"?

Sorry - I meant my husband is in hospice right now. Article is spot on. Shows you how my mind is working.

My husband is in husband right now. Your article is spot on.

In 2003, on BMJ I have illustrated what is a good death in my opinion: Stagnaro S. What is a good death?: Good death will happen if life was good. BMJ; 327: 1047 [MEDLINE]

My friend is at the last days of life. She refused hospice. Ran off care providers. Did it her way for 5/6 weeks. Now she is in hospital and might be going home with hospice {ANGELS ON EARTH}. I know I have no idea what she is going through. But she is not trying to have a "good death". She is fighting with her Mother and daughter, What I would like to know is this common? Do people really die letting love ones feel no peace. Without asking for forgiveness. Everyone has something needs forgiven. She and her mom & daughter have had their 'issues' but no family bond is stronger. Do people who have the opportunity to love, forgive, share peace with those dear to them, Let the last moments be ugly words for those left here. Isn't it comforting to know you leaving them sad but comforted by your love and being forgiven?

My loved one is dieing of liver cancer and isn't expected to live till the first of 2016. He doesn't wasn't want anyone to visit. But he has a lot of friends ! He does let two come over. Most of this is because he has lost so much weight and looks bad. He is a very clean man and is proud of his appearance . But when Bruce and Brant come over he lights up and talks, I think he doesn't want to feel like a freak show! I understand his wishes but then again I wonder if he is making a mistake . He has a lot of people that love him. Sometimes he does things that hurts my feeling but I know he doesn't feel good ,so I am trying to stay strong for him. Is there anything that I need to do to help him? He also is having cravings for certain foods and then when I fix it he takes about 3 bites and is done ! WE do talk about the end as I think we need to and he has prepared for the funeral and the will. He mostly is preparing for me and that really touches my heart !!

Iam dying with pulmonary fibrosis and am in need of what to expect at the end of my life and the process of dying.

I am preparing for the fact my mom may have one more year. She doesn't want to move in with us(she lives 1400 miles away) but she is still lucid and pretty active for 88.She doesn't want to leave her comfort zone . We've talked about this numerous times.She has excellent medical care(is in NY) It still doesn't stop me from feeling sad though she told me how good we(her children) have been and this is her decision) What makes me feel sad is I've had 2 friends who were able to care for their parents during their last year. I have cared for her when she needed it(3-4 week post op care) but she just won't think about moving. I can't force her to leave because her mind is sharp and talking about this upsets her more.

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I think there is also a comfort in knowing the people/pets/things you love will be taken care of by those who are living on after you die. Getting that commitment from them relieves anxiety.

I think many people feel guilt upon the death of a close family member. They wonder if they did everything they could do for that person. This gives reassurance and specific suggestions to make the process easier, since none of us are going to avoid it.

I suppose you can tell that i really didnt read the hole thing up intell now. i dont comment a hole lot. I am taking care of my father in his home he is in his 80 and had a stroke his hole left side is parolized we have to feed him and q him to swallow sometimes he forgets. The big thing to me is to make sure he is turned every 2 hrs and he is comfortable. we try and get him up at least 2 times a day cuz he needs the range of motion. He has a very strong will to live and he is very terrified to die. I would like to help him with that however i dont know what to say i have a siter who is always asking him things like who do you think or want to help you crossover and why are you afraid to die and what can i do to help you and i cantell he gets uncomfortable when she asks him stuff like that.So i dont want to make him feel that way. I guess all i really can do is keep showing up for him everyday and i hope the rest will come to me.I do want so much for him to have a good death one thing i know forsure i have alote of brothers and sisters and he needs to see that we are happy and to get along and stop hurting one another i guess i can start there.

I would like to leave a comment for Shoooobee. About her wondering question. My father had a stoke about 6 months ago. He is 81yrs diebetic and was in the hospital for 2 weeks than went to a skilled unit facility for 2 months. He had reached his point of improvement and they wanted to place him in a nursing home. His wish is to die at home in his worm bed so i went and purchaced an electric hoyer lift, recliner wheel chair and electric hospital bed and brought him home. His hole left side is parolized, most all the time he needs to be fed, He has mild dementia,one of the goals we are aiming for is to try and sit up on the edge of the bed (which takes 3 of us to help attempt,He is 6.1 and 290pds) Now with that being said you mentioned while shring that your mother would stair off to the side at the cieling for hrs and if anyone else expearience the same thing . I will tell you what my father does... I have seen him 3 or 4 times in the last mounth stair off to one side and his eyes looked as if he was gone almost spaced out with out blinking and what really baffled me was he was snoring at the same time now my father does snore but not once in 51 years have i seen him snore with his eyes open i havnt seen ANYBODY sleep with there eyes open its like he is looking at something with his periveral vision stairing eyes wide open and snoring .I dont know if he is actualy sleeping or not i told my sister about it and she said if it happens again to call her and she would drop everything and drive over which if she drives fast she can be at my place in 7 min. Well it happend again and she saw it to and we figured that he was having these minie strokes. or maybe a sieger. so we halled him off to Dr. for test to see if thats what it was and all tests came back negative. So we are thinking that he just goes away to his own little safe place a place that bring him joy he just tunes out and comes back when he feels its safe enough. Intell it happend again this time not only did he come back happy but he started talking about wondering why my mother9 who passed when i was 2 ) isnt here with him and where is she and talking about people who have passed, my father never talked about people that have passed he believes once there gone there gone get over it type of thing.all of a sudden he has a stroke and he's snoring with eyes open talking about loved ones who have passed as if there still here. I do not know who this man is anymore but i sure love who he has become.My father has always been highly intuitive. He has had his dog for 14 years she is a german shepard and he is very close to her they are very connected to her and he used to talk to her and say " i wonder who is going to die first you or me molly. or he would say " i dont know what iwould do if you were to leave me molly" well last week he told me to look at molly that she was surrounded by angels i about went into shock i said tell me more about that dad and he says look again you have to look past your eyes.Anyways i am way off base here but you wanted to know if anyone else expearience what you had and yes i believe i have i just wish i knew where he goes when he stairs eyes wide open snoring w/out a blink. Sence the stroke my dad rarely talks at all but when he does i listen but if my responses are not real or i act happy when i am hurting he will shut down he does that alot i come from a family of 10 siblings and i have gotten to respect his energy and pertect his energy and if he shows a pattern of shutting down when certain family members are around i try and shortin the visit when they do come because sometimes days will pass tell he comes back . Next time my father snores and stairs like that i want to ask him where he goes or who he see's but i am afraid he will shut down. i dont know how to go about it> if you are anyone has any ideas how i could find out what he see's i am open I know my father has a very strong will to live i also know he is very much afraid to die. We talk alittle about it he does'nt like to talk about it but sence the stroke he actualy is more open to talk.

it was good imformation

its not what people think its a knowing and peace that you want to share to aid others unprepared for there inevitable trip.More importantly an end of pain of abuse.Heart break broken promises.A life tired.. devoted to others.Seeing it as a positive trip to peace that could not be found on this cold plain.Death could never be as cruel as life...Thanks for this trip on breathing earth.Please protect our oceans and planet others will come and need this space.

Shoodoobee: When my husband passed away he was staring at the ceiling and smiling at what he saw. He tried to reach up to whoever he saw but was so weak his arm kept falling back down on the bed. He had been comatose. I am so positive your mother was experiencing the same thing. Sounds like she saw several people who were there to take her over to the other side. I've seen it...I know it. Hugs

My 84 year-old mother passed away 3 weeks ago in the hospital after about 3 days of pneumonia and breathing problems. She was diagnosed with Dementia over 3 years ago and spent her life since then in assisted living, happily continuing to sing and dance up until the night before she was rushed to the ER after the night staff found her struggling to breathe and unresponsive. In the ER I noticed that mom was looking upwards and to the left, like she was staring at something or someone - for hours and hours until they admitted her to the hospital. She could blink but could not speak or grasp my hand. She even seemed to be sleeping and snoring with her eyes open - staring off to that one place. Only once did she turn her head to look at me, but she looked very vacant. No expression. It was the oddest thing I ever saw. In the hospital, as her breathing got worse and she was officially dying, they started giving her morphine and oxygen to keep her comfortable. All her IV's were otherwise removed. Hospice was there even though I hadn't signed on with them yet, and they were wonderful. I also had a priest there for last rites. As my mom's only child, I was alone otherwise. While I was not with her at the moment of her death, I can honestly say that after I told her "go be with dad, I will be ok!" and that I loved her, I feel she somehow heard me and gave herself permission to let go. But I'm wondering if anyone else ever experienced their loved one staring off to the side like that? I think this is most interesting, I am wondering if she was able to "see" my dad and those who went before her. The last 3 weeks have been very calming for me. Knowing she is at peace and reunited with dad but I remain curious about those last days of hers and how she was not able to communicate or move even though her eyes were open. She was able to moan - indicating she was uncomfortable or fearful, but I am not sure of this. Her CT scan showed no stroke or seizure. Anyway, my thoughts are with all of you who still struggle with your loved one's illnesses. In my mom's case, death was not horrible for me - we had a loving relationship and it truly was her time. God bless!

Hospice is a collective term for many organizations. I have worked in an inpatient Hospice facility for about five years now and I will never work in another field during my nursing career. Every day I see patients suffer needlessly because a family member is afraid of what a medication will do to them. A restless patient remains restless because a daughter doesn't want him "sedated." A patient remains in pain, with too few pain medications given, because a mother doesn't want her "overdosed." Hospice was not designed to help a patient die. It was designed to help a patient die with peace and dignity with as little pain and distress as possible. It was designed to help grieving families understand the dying process with as little guilt and regret as possible. A "good death" is one where the patient is able to pass without pain, distress, or worrying that those left behind will be alright. A "good death" is one where the family understands what is going on and what may happen next, where as much quality time is spent with their loved one as possible. A "good death" is one where the patient doesn't spend their last days or hours being poked and prodded by a medical professional in an attempt to "fix" what is not fixable. Nothing will make this time easy for the family members. But wouldn't it be better to know what may and probably will happen, to be prepared for it before experiencing it without understanding? Contrary to some belief, there are many people who wish to die, and they express those wishes. They don't want to die because they're selfish or tired of this world. They are tired of being in pain, tired of struggling for their next breath. They are usually ready to let go far sooner than those who love them. Hospices are businesses and not all business are created equal. The hospice I work for is a nonprofit organization. We never turn a patient away who doesn't have insurance, Medicare, or ability to pay. Our patients never see a bill, regardless of what is or is not covered by private insurances or government assistance. And like any medical facility, some outshine the others. If you or your loved one desires hospice, do your homework, read reviews. Those with true hospice hearts will only help in this trying time, not add to your burdens. God bless each of you going through your personal struggle. If you've not attended one, many of my families have told me that grief classes helped them tremendously. May God's peace and comfort cover you and yours.

This would be better if it included info on how one can end one's life themselves. Not suicide, mind you, but being in control of the end. I have a plan but I feel alone in it. Of course it just freaks out my family but I need to deal with it my way! Thanks for the article though. I found it to be true of what I have experienced with family and friends' passing.

The most important death I attended was made difficult by family members who were obsessed with the idea that the pt. would be "overdosed" by her morphine pump. They forced the hospice nurse to limit the dose, in spite of efforts by the nurses present to assure them. My dear friend suffered greatly with slow suffocation and increased wakefulness. It's best to include written instructions designating your end of life care and naming the person to make decisions for you when you are not able. Nurses can be the best agents.

Although this is very helpful but for now my heart is still tender from lost of three love ones ,so as of now I will sign.

Hospice was the best thing we did for my Mother, before she passed in Feb.'11. Anything she wanted/needed was furnished at no cost: morphine, diapers, equipment, even paper pads. The people were caring, efficient and professional. she lived in my house for the last 3½ years of her life. I am so glad we did this for her. She had a long illness: emphysema, and she suffered a lot, then had complete dementia the last 2 weeks. It was awful, but the hospice people even helped us the emotional stuff. I am forever grateful for the hospice people.

i died a long time ago but my guardian angel said forget it so i am still in my young 82s going for a 103 and work that i do well i do every thing take care of old folks,i am doctor,scientist,bottle washer ,house husband ,work on roofs,cars,dig ditches,mini farmer, eat a lot of anti cancer foods have teeth have more hair than my kids ,saved from death 100 times,been through 3 wars ,been and lived in heaven and hell many times ,and pray a lot which always works.....mahalo aloha from hula bob iliahi no ka oi

If I were writing this on paper it would be filled with tears. After being with my brother when he passed on May 24, 2010 I had always wondered and felt guilty that I hadn't done enough. After reading this I found that I had done everything correct. Being a novice to this kind of personal passing I didn't know what to expect. My brother had terminal brain cancer. The first thing I said to him was that I would never ever leave him and I did not right down to his last breath. I know God and his angels were apparent to me and I know to him. I took care of him until the last 10 days of his life and he spent those in a wonderful hospice. I slept in a chair as close as I could get to his bed. Although it has been 3 years it is most difficult for me to wrap my brain around it still. 2 months before Dan passed, my sister Nancy passed away from brain cancer as well. If any one has any advice for a broken heart please let me know. God Bless, Carolyn Maxwell

My husband had a "good" death, (thanks to Hospice & his morphine), if there is such a thing. He passed peacefully, & on his own terms, after a 10 month battle. Don't get me wrong, there were tons of harrowing/non-dignified momemnts; He was 56 & I'm 43, our son is 20. We had Hospice care and he & I both had medical backgrounds, ( HE was a retired RN) so we knew what to look for at end of life. Didn't/Doesn't make it any easier... :(

Beloved family pets may need to be close to the dying..bringing comfort and an uncanny ability to "predict" the end is near.

what is all this junk about dying before 18 or 20.I am 7 0 on oxygen, but still my life has beauty. MY HUSBAND of 21 years died with cancer of the lung. We had hospice, I was angry that hospice coule not save him, but I knew better. One of the things that made his death a good death was chemo angels. Daily he received bunches of beautiful cards, and little gifts green tea, flower seeds, flowers, pictures drawn by children. Dai.y he corresponded with other terminal patients on computer. He made hundreds of friends. He got to die at home, he played with his grandchildren the day before, my son, his stepson, carried him outside to be with his beloved birds. He got to see his real son two weeks before. How anyone can say hospice is only there for money is unbelievable. I have great thanks to hospice and chemo angels, I never felt so loved.

I don't know what a good death is, but I do know that I am not ready yet for a good death. I still have a lot of living to do and I hope that the Lord allows me to do it. If he decides to take me, I will go without regrets, I have had a good life and I think I have been very blessed. Now that I think about it, I suppose the best way would be to go in your sleep. Just go to bed one night and not wake up. Thanks for listening.

A good death is dying young. Not having to grow old and fall apart or lose your independence, not having to worry about trivial garbage like your retirement and how you will manage after you can't work anymore, and not having to live long in such an utterly worthless and hypocritical world. Yup, dying young is best. Living to an old age is only worth it if your very rich. I wish I died already, cause I sure didn't want to live to see 20, or even 18 for that matter.

Dying stinks..there is no Good Death in my opinion~ I don't wanna die or see people I love die but that's life, maybe better not even to B born ?

A Good Death....... With Christ!

Thankyou. I have retired from 41 years of hospital work but when my sister died unexpectedly, I attended grief counseling at Hospice House. What I heard from attendees was they needed to understand the 5 stages of death and dying (Kubler-Ross) and that what they were feeling are stages we all go through and that yes, this too will pass to a final stage of acceptance where you can embrace the memories rather than fear them.

Thankfully, I have all the necessary items and instructions in place for my daughter and grandchildren to handle my Estate. My body will be given to the Medical University Hospital upon my death, not only because of the useless expense of disposing of "garbage" but to help medical students to learn.

Dying while saving lives is the best possible death. The soldier that takes out a machine gun with a mad dash toward a bunker, firing his weapon and tossing a well-placed grenade dies a hero and will be remembered. He gave his life for his buddies. In the minds of his friends and family he will always be young and full of unrealized potential. It's best to die young, too. Those that die between the ages of 18 to 22 are fortunate to leave this earth and its wickedness before they succumb to temptations and make the inevitable mistakes that can haunt their consciences until they die. Sin never came to full bloom in their lives. They didn't live long enough to fail, to hurt others, to disappoint family and friends. Therefore, those that die young and in the act of some altruistic endeavor are more blessed than the old-timer who dies peacefully in bed.

I THINK A GOOD DEATH IS EATING A GUN AT WILL.

The comments following your article remind us that we are all different - in life and in death. Death is the end phase of life. Don't overwhelm yourself with what other people have experienced. Do what you can with your dying loved one. Keep in mind you can always care even if you can't cure. Ask a trusted person in your life to allow you to talk about what's on your mind. Sometimes you don't need answers, just a listening ear. The same goes for the dying one.

Hospice is a awful way to die. Please do not do that to your loved ones. The hospice movement has joined with the "Right to Die group". Hospice has been sold to investors in Atlanta, and the dollar is more important then the Hospice team, the comfort and pain control of patients. May god help us all.

it seems that robert frost was right, he said that death should be welcomed like an old friend...or something to that regard!

Thank you, yanotk. I believe my mother will be the next to need an advocate for the "self-determination" you have mentioned. I will certainly be looking into it for myself as well as all my loved ones.

To Willy-Nilly "If that ever happens to my husband, I will do everything within my power to help him pass painlessly and with his dignity intact." A must read for anybody considering self-determination at the end, is a book called "The Final Exit." It is remarkably informative and provides one with all the options legally available. Surprisingly, there are options and with some forethought the tragic anecdote you just related can be avoided. It also gives wonderful advice on how to at least minimize the assault on your human rights as the end nears. http://www.finalexitnetwork.org/

A close relative of mine passed away just 2 weeks ago.....finally and thankfully. Towards the end, he was begging to be "let go"....he was tired, he said, in pain, and in his lucid moments knew the agony his wife was going through watching him slowly waste away. When he did pass away, I believe there was a collective sigh of relief.....not because of his dying, but that his suffering was over. There has to be a better way to "let go," instead of this "keeping them alive at all costs!" He was in a state of deterioration and dying for about 9 months, and most of that time he was like a zombie, and it was absolutely tragic to see a once handsome, virile, strong, active man reduced to such a sad condition. If that ever happens to my husband, I will do everything within my power to help him pass painlessly and with his dignity intact.

Nothing. The information was brief and to the point.

My wifes death was just as you decribed it. I was with her for 6 years that it took her to pass. She had 6 brain operations so lasted a long time. By the articals, it's as if you were there thru it all

Obviouslly i don't know this for sure, but any type of death must be like drowning or suffocation,do people die in there sleep or are they found the next morning, no such thing as a quick way to go,and how quick is euthanasia,surely lungs pack up cant breath,its all the same.

I lost my mother november 2011 after 7 months of a terminal illness. I also work in healthcare. I found the articles I just read here acurate and comforting. Although hospice was extremely difficult and not nearly as helpful as people think. They wanted her in a nursing home. My mother wanted to die at home. I had to advocate strongly for her wishes and spent all savings on 24 hour care the last three months of her life. Hospice actually does very little for the patient. Their Social Workers weren't helpful, the nursing assistants were lazy, and the nurses didn't want responsibility. I know some areas rave about hospice. They caused so much trouble. But what matters is that I was there for my mother. She was safe, she had me and around the clock care. I knew when she needed additional spiritual help and was able to get a priest in two days before she passed. The hospice was refusing a priest. But with respect to a 90 year old woman who needed last rights from a priest and not the sacrement of the sick from a lay person. Hospice just didn't get it. At that point, once she received her last rights, she was able to give in to the dying process. She went through all the 10 steps and died at home, holding my hand. Before she died she mouthed to me "I love you". I told her, "I love you too".

I knew my son did not want to die in the hospital or the care center he was put in. he wanted to be home and that is how I feel. I would not want it prolonged treatments. That to me is not living. I would rather be in peace andWhen there is no hope of recovery then make it as short as possiblre why put my family through more than they need to go through. It is a very painful and hurting time for them. heart wrenching to watch. My son wanted to spend his last few days making peace with God. His best friend a young minister came down and spent the day with him. The smile and peace was so good to see on his face.I could not thank his friend enough. He helped make his passing easier. So though I wanted my son to live He went which seemed to us easy. so I suppose that is what a good death means.

The best thing to do is learn about hospice before you need it; it will help with the decision making process when the time comes that comfort care and/or hospice at home no longer is possible. The staff of these facilities are angels of mercy who help everyone go through the process. Having your loved one pass at one of these facilities is so much better than having them die at home. Home could mean the middle of the house, with everyone around and never forgetting the sight of it all...Hospice is set up like anyone's livingroom, its just not yours. You can come and go, you have assistance for each other and the dying, it could be considered a good temporary home. No one wants the memory of the chaos of attending the dying at home when the issues like cancer and self-will (pain = life) are hanging around. It is hard to watch and wearying.

there is no such things as a "good death" as far as I'm concerned, nobody wants to die and the thought of dying frightens me something awful. From what I have seen death is very hard in my family anyway.

Take time to tell them od your love fo rthem because waiting for them to pass on and then going ot the grave does not give you that simple works back I love you too. Flowers do not talk with those words.

A good death is going to sleep during a thunder storm and never waking up.

This article was VERY helpful...I watched my ex-husband pass away from liver cancer and everything listed happened almost exactly as it was written. He had a very peaceful death. Unfortunately, my mother had brain cancer and she fought death tooth and nail. She was admitted on a Friday and actually passed away quite peacefully in the ER. Her husband (who was in total denial throughout mom's entire illness) had left her DNR paperwork in the car; therefore, the ER staff worked feverishly to revive mom, which was done. From that Friday until the following Thursday, my mother went through pure hell (I really don't know any other way to put it)...she was deathly ill, the morphine didn't really stop the pain, it did put her "over the moon" thank God. I remember having the leave the room at times and I can handle just about anything...she would convulse (one side of her body only), she tried to sit up and drink a cup of coffee because that is what she wanted to do (unfortunately, her mind was totally there a LOT of the time)...she fought and fought, plain and simple, she did NOT want to die, and just would NOT give in. Finally, a very nice nurse turned way UP the morphine, and I do remember hearing the death rattle. That was the best sound I could have heard at this time. I am not trying to be a downer, but watching two completely different deaths, I am going to be VERY adamant about my DNR, I will not fight the different stages of death and comfort measures are the best things in the world! When you have someone you love SO close to death, PLEASE do them a favor and have those DNR papers right in your hands at all times when going to ANY medical facility at all times. It will save not only the dying, but the living a lot of heartache and suffering. Having belief in the good Lord Jesus Christ is the only way I got through my mother's death. Gary accepted his death, prayed with anyone willing to pray with him right up until he couldn't pray anymore. What a difference there was!

My 72 year old mother passed away near Christmas. She had a "good death" because she was vibrant and active until the day she died. I thought she was out Christmas shopping when she wasn't answering her phone. By the time I found her, she was gone. I arrived at her home in time to see the EMTs enter and then suddenly exit the front door. I stood stunned in the front yard. My mother was still in her PJs with a pot of coffee brewing. She had just printed Lime Jello Recipes for the coming Christmas day dinner. She had scripture listed for the next day's lectionary at her church. She had presents ready for wrapping. She had plans. I still miss her terribly every day for the 5 years since her passing. I am grateful for the quickness that death took her. I can only hope that it was sudden and painless. I only saw her after the EMT's were gone and quietly held her cool hand until the a funneral home person arrived. I am happy that she was not here to witness the crash of the economy six months later. The loss of her hard earned retirement income and devaluation of her home would have caused her more worry than she could have endured. The first Great Depression left lasting marks, no doubt the second one would have killed her.

I am 80y/o, so I am beginning to think about my own death. I am trying to get all my bills paid, and make an end of life list of which of my possessions go to which heir. I don't mind the thought of death like I used to although I hope God lets me go quickly in the night without pain or hardship for any of my kids. Thanks for the great articles. I was an RN for 34 years so know a little bit about what happens but have been away from it long enough to have forgotten a lot, also. Patricia Leonaitis, RN, ret.

The only death I've ever witnessed was one of the saddest and at the same time most horrible things I have ever witnessed. It was not peaceful. My mom entered hospital emergency and was admitted on 4/16/12; 73 years old, she had fallen in her apt and had lain there unable to get up. Once she was admitted and treated in the hospital her condition improved and she was going to rehab. Unfortunately the hospital had over-hydrated her, failing to properly monitor her fluid intake/output. By the time this was 'noticed', her breathing was affected, resulting in she had retained too much co2, and with her DNR in place there would be no ventilator, the only thing that would have helped. Within a day and a half she was dead, but not before clearly displaying very obvious discomfort, for which there was no remedy, constantly furrowing her brow in rhythm with her labored breathing, made worse by the morphine, and by that time unable to speak or tell us what was wrong. During 'the dying process' she experienced two full-out seizures about an hour or so apart, and a day of "hiccup" breathing - gradually going from 5 breathes per minute..all the way down to one breathe per minute, and we were just waiting for the pulse in her neck to stop, waiting to see if there will be another breath. And all of this under the guise of palliative care. At one point a nurse came in and asked if we had picked out a funeral home - my mom was still breathing, and they told us the hearing is the last to go. Near the end, but while my mom was still breathing and had a pulse, a nurse came in stating "we're not seeing anything on the hear monitor.." I apologize if this is graphic, it only just happened the week before Mother's Day this year, and my sister and I are still reeling. I didn't think this was a good death.

Some reference to handling end of life issues for people of diverse ages. I am in my early 50s and I currently have concerns for my 29 year old son and my 77 year old mother. Thank you!

This was a great article- something to think about- even though I am only 52. I have an older partner. I have not updated my living will for 7 years and my affairs are not in order- so this has inspired me to do so. Thanks!

What makes a "good death? No death is good. But, we all have to die. As a nurse a good death, is allowing our family members to die in the manner they wish. Honoring their wishes. Not keeping them hooked up to machines and tubes and not letting go. Making them suffer. We do it for our pets we put them down and don't let them suffer. End of life decisions are not about us, it's about what that person wants. Living will's DNR's are a joke. The minute a person goes unresponsive, families change them and do not honor them. This should NOT be allowed, families change them because they feel guilty about something, they didn't visit as much as they should have, or can't let go. Here's the thing, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about what your family member wanted.

The best thing to do is have a health care proxy that understands your wishes. In some States you may have to go into detail, Have a Will. It stops the family feud before it starts. After your gone. Last but not least, have hospice come in and take over. They have been extremely helpful at this stage of life and make you as comfortable as possible.

I am so happy to have come across your 'very informative' web site. I've so book-marked it. Thank you.

Ten signs death is near

we place ourselves in there place and fear and feel for them.

Very helpful

Reminding me to update all my end-of-life legal papers.

IT is All True my Wife PassAway in 1999, With Cancer, She went into a coma the night before, She passaway the next morning at 07:30AM holding my hand as I was Talking to her an finished saying what i was Talking About SHE Squezzed my an she was gone, Thanks George B Russell (75) PS The info was great thank yo

I already know some of these these thing about when it's coming to the end of time for death. I have been through it with my mother I took care of her until the last breath left her. It ready do hurt. But now I'm going through loosing a child and it seen as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest. my daugther tell me moma you are greiving yourself away. It's not that I want to greive because I know I have her and my son,son to live for also

Yes.

My dad in my opinion has a very peaceful death at home. He got up to go to the bathroom, has some issues. my mom went in to check on him. He was standing w/ his walker and wanted to go to the sink. she helped to the sink and left him. she went back in to see what was taking so long and found him slupped over his walker by the tub. she had no idea what was happening. she called the nieghbors and then 911. they worked on him for a while, then my mom showed the paramedics his DNR. They said are you sure, and she said yes. And that was it. No pain, no yelling out. just very quiet. We had no idea he was that close to death. it just "happened."We came to the conclusion that his body had enough and just gave out. he was 86.

what if the treatments you reject could of saved your life?

I don't believe there is such a thing as a "good" death. Life was created and as such it is to be celebrated, but death does not have anything in common with this, it is the "anti-life" force come to be. I don't think we should be at all surpised that witnessing death is sorrowful. Death was never meant to be, but crept in, it is a thief. For those of us who believe there was One who conquered the power of death, witnessing it is still sorrowful but we don't grieve the same way as those who have no hope of living once again in glory. It is entirely appropriate that we treat all life with respect and dignity, particularly those who are our family and friends as they near the passing from their current life to the next. I definitely send one prayer for all; that they will come to believe in the power of the Son of Man to deliver them from this life and the inevitable passage of death to the next life and glory. Trust Him now for this, do not hesitate, today is the day of salvation.

My father's death was a "good one." He was suffering from heart ailments, had had a stint placed in his artery. He didn't last long after that operation, but I think he was aware that his prognosis wasn't good, and ever the stalwart soldier, he didn't share it with the family so as to keep, I believe, us from worrying, or trying to get him into a hospital setting to prolong his life for who knows how long? Early one morning, he told my mom he couldn't get comfortable and was going to sit out in the living room. He covered himself with a light blanket, rocked back in his recliner, and, looking out across the Blue Ridge Mountains of northwestern North Carolina, he went to sleep and just slept on over to "the other side." When my mother awoke and went to make the coffee, she said she was very quiet so as not to awaken him...he looked that peaceful and comfortable. The paramedics who responded about an hour later to her 911 call said they had NEVER seen such a quiet and peaceful passing. There was absolutely NOTHING...no tossing of the blanket, no staring eyes, no hint of jerking motions, no noise that my mother heard... to indicate that death had been anything other than a friend taking Dad's hand and walking him gently out of this life. THAT is what I would consider a "good death;" perhaps a "reward" from Someone for living a good and honorable life.

My Dad was 92 1/2 years old when he died almost 6 1/2 years ago. My Mom died at 89 a little over 2 years ago. I am an only child and I miss them terribly. Now because of them I have changed what I want to happen for me. I wish now to be cremated. My husband and I now have an agreement between us. Whoever dies first will keep the other's ashes and when the second one dies our children have just been instructed to scatter our ashes in a place of our choosing. I am not mentioning where because it is a favorite vacation spot for many people. I just don't EVER want my children to feel that they HAVE to come visit us in a graveyard for Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's or Father's Day, etc. I don't want them to feel guilty that they don't go to the graveyard often enough. I want to spare them that.

My mother-in-law (mom) was in a car accident last March. She was paralyzed neck down and would have died at the scene if it wasn't for dumb emts. She was in incredible pain, couldn't move and couldn't even speak to us. Her heart kept stopping and after a month we had the ventilator turned off. I had the honor of sitting with her until the very end. The only thing good about her death was the morphine that knocked her out at the very end. I have seen "good deaths" and I hope that there are more of those than those like moms. A death like moms leaves a scar.

My mother had a "good death". The last thing she said to me was, "I'm comfortable" and was somewhat irritated that kept asking her if she was in any pain. She wasn't. She had a great last day singing songs with my cousins and just went to sleep after she started bleeding internally. At 88, she was really ready to go.

i have taken care of several friends that were dying. it was a privilege to help them. there aren't words to express how the experience affected me in a positive way. if you are really there because you love them and care, totally altruistic in giving; it changes you in positive ways. if i wasn't disabled and able to work; would probally seek work with hospice.

I think a "good death" would be sitting in my car on a nice cool spring day with a tank of compressed N2 set for a flow rate of about 10 liters/sec with my window down about 1/2 inch.

My dear wife passed away from cancer two years ago. She spent her final days at home and passed away at home under hospice care. The only bright side is I always worried if I was the first to go, I would not be there to take care of her. She would have been unable to care for herself and would have ended up in a rest home. I hate those places. I promised her to the end she would NEVER end up in a rest home as long as I was still alive and able to crawl and drag myself across the floor to take care of her. I meant every word of it.! This will definitely be a big load off my mind in my final hours.

Both my parents suffered enormously before they passed..the thought of it still haunts me. I personally have never witnessed an "easy death" but hope when the time comes God will be more merciful to me, my husband or anyone else I love and must witness them dying..leaving this world is not easy from my experiance :-(

A good death is one that you walk away from!

It was a strange time for me, when we relaized that mom was slowly dying. my mother, like most, was a saint in so many ways. She was warm, compassionate, and loving. I thank God for her 77 years on earth, because my brothers and I are the decent family men we are today, only because of her guidence. I wish i could say the same for my 'father'. However, I remain perplexed at the conversation she had with her long passed relatives just hours before her own death, having been in a short term coma, and reviving just long enough for us to hear her conversations as she began the process of actively dying. Our family physician tells us it is the brain dying, but our hospice care nurse swears it is God's way of easing the person into crossing over. This will perplex me unti lthe very day I die.

i am one of the .lucky ones. i went through the death experience 3 times in 1985 as a result of an accidental shooting. the experience was the most beautiful thing i have ever have experienced. i know that both of my parents went peacefully and probably enjoyed the same experience that i went through.we that are left behind have only the memories of their lives. losing my mother was the hardest for me to cope with, all of a sudden there is no one to ask for advice, now we are the ones who are being asked for advice. mother had only a couple of signs of an up and coming death, shortness of breath and could only breathe comfortably in the sitting position. she too started too feel cold mot cool in her hands and feet. she slipped away in complete comfort. just closed her eves and it was over. that was 25 years ago and i still at times feel her loss! we all have to deal with death. because it is really a part of life!skolarchek

I was never close to my mother. But with her declining health, she has been able to convince me that I have been a good daughter. And I have been able to tell her that she has been a good mother. This closure of "unfinished business" has enabled me to continue to care for her with more compassion. This week, her doctor said it is time to arrange for hospice care. My mother has always wanted to remain at home. I brought the subject of hospice care to the doctor several months ago. It was difficult, but her doctor now respects her decision on this without trying to persuade her go to the hospital. She has realize her condition cannot be cured. Fortunately, her affairs have been in order for quite awhile. What is important now is for us to have as many joyous moments together as possible.

The need to be treated as a "live" human being until the moment of death. Having vase of flowers. Giving back &/or foot rubs. Insuring that person is never left alone.

My mother died at 94 last month, and though she had lost so much of her ability to communicate and think through earlier strokes and dementia, I believe she had a "good death" and I was blessed to be there for the week preceding it. Many of the articles I read on Caring.com as well as other sources helped me to understand and support her in the last week after she chose to stop taking her medications and eating. Thank you for helping us accept death as part of life, and understand it more fully.

A good death. Birth and death are vastly different than birth and death. We suffer great pain being born, and most, have at least diminished pain when they die. But in both instances, it is just one step into the light. As a child emerges from the womb, we emerge to the light of our lives, sending us back home into the light of peace and no suffering anymore. I have MS and it's getting bad, and having worked with Hospice for so many years, and having to say goodbye everynight to strangers that saved my life in AA that said the right thing at the right time. They saved my life, for i have 28 years now. But, they couldn't save their own. Wish I could give each one of the seed that was planted in me to keep me sober. but, most die, and they are not pretty deaths. So, my goal is to die sober, with my children happy and not being a burden on their lives, and hopefully I take that journey of one step into the light soon. Good question. Brought up alot of me. Thanks

My work as a Professional Organizer for the past 26+ years has allowed me the priviledge of assisting thousands of clients of ALL AGES to get their affairs in order. Most recently, a widowed senior client (early 80's) stated it best. As we combed through all her possessions and papers (sorting-purging-donating-shredding-recycling-filing,etc), I asked her "What is our ultimate goal for this project?" With a huge smile on her face, this totally healthy woman responded: "I want to die a TIDY DEATH!" One of my sage observations is that discussing and preparing for death has never caused any person to die even one single day earlier!!! Warm Organized Socks, Mary E. R.

I lived a very enjoyable 76years and then i had brain seizures. My life changed completely; all for the worst. I feel like I have aged 20 years in the last year. Arthritis, post nasal drip, diabetes with associated retinopathy and neuropathy, apathy, depression, no motivation and worst of all, I can't remember hardly anything. The teeth implants that I paid a huge amount of money for, 12 years ago, have massive difficulties and are only rectifiable by huge expenditures. My finances went to pot and my house depreciated 50% in 2 years. 5 years ago I considered myself wealthy and misspent unwisely. Never thought this could happen to me. I think human nature prevents us dealing realistically with old-age because we always survived so well when we were younger. I've got my affairs in order, per the article. But I've been living in an "elegant, gracious, independent retirement home." Talk about a misnomer. Almost everyone needs assistance in living. And I'd estimate that about 35 out of 135 here are in some stage of dementia / alzheimer's. I don't see any point in living without any "quality of life." If I could definitively know that I have alzheimer's I would like to be doped-up and put into a hospice an die a "good death." This is not an easily resolved problem. According to the NYTimes in a recent Sunday article it happens sort of de facto, because of the benevolence of some doctors but one can't legally process it. To recap, why be alive when you don't even know you're alive or if you're in acute discomfiture every day and the only future you have is to get older.

I have found great support and compassion with this group of folks. Although I only posted two items, what I read from others helped me greatly in caring for my father and trying to help my mother. I had a better understanding of my dad's condition and what to expect; for that I am grateful. Yesterday my mother called me early in the morning and said my dad was unresponsive. By the time the ambulance arrived, he was gone. I am so very grateful that he was able to die at home with his wife of 65 years with him. It has been a long, sad journey and now it is over. Again, I thank you all for the support and caring attitude that I enjoyed while visiting this site. You made my pain a little easier to bear. Thank you.

it's time for me to start thinking how i hope my end might be, even if it is a long way off (I'm 63 and in good health).

I have mixed emotions on this subject. People equate the best care with keeping the loved one alive. I live in a retirement community for independent living. There are very fuzzy lines between people in independent living and the other extreme, hospice. I would argue that many people in my community are completely dysfunctional and only cause havoc and chaos for the rest of the residents. Yet their families appear to be oblivious to the situation. I can't fathom why they are doing this. The community accepts them because they represent money. Pure and simple. I have tried to specify in my final documents that I want a "good" death. But it is extremely difficult to do. It makes so much sense for me to say, "If I get dementia, let me go. Put me in a hospice, drug me heavily and save society a lot of money. I am not benefiting myself nor anyone else by being kept alive."

THIS EXPRESSES MY FEELINGS SOOOO WELL . JUST AS I WOULD HAVE DOCUMENTED "IT" IF I WERE AS ARTICULATE AS THIS AUTNOR. WM GAMBLE

In addition to having your affairs in order, you should also consider pre-planning your funeral arrangements. What kind of service do you want? What kind of music do you want played? Where do you want to be buried? Answering these important questions and making a plan will alleviate your family from this stress down the road.

Papa died 363 days ago. Mom died 108 days ago. Months before going to their home to care for them I read everything available on caring for elderly Parents. A couple years before then I made sure their legals, health care, funeral wishes, etc. were set. E. Kubler Ross, for one, was excellent. I followed whatever advice written, wanting Mom to have "a good death." I was there watching every day as her grip on life lessened. We said our forgives, thank yous, love yous and goodbyes about two months before dementia took over without even knowing death was so close. I dressed Mom for her wake, with my daughter. I was a pallbearer, watched as they covered the vault at the cemetery. And I still can't accept Mom is gone, forever. I arranged everything ahead of time for a smooth transition. There is no such thing. It's too much. I will be going to the Hospice grief counseling program. I'm so very grateful to Hospice and their home care program. Thank you for allowing me to share.

Good article. Will forward to my daughter, who is my father's main caregiver. Her love for her grandfather has increased ten fold since he was diagnosed with kidney & bladder cancer. This morning she called to say her dear pet had died, and even in her sorrow, she has a peace that she did all she could to take care of her precious dog. I think this fact, of doing all we can while someone (or something) is alive, helps us deal with death of loved ones. Afterall, a large part of dealing with grief in losing loved ones, is the guilt we feel that we could have done more.

such a great gift was given to you and your father. take care,

Watching my Father pass from this earthly life to his next journey, I saw the results of a peace filled soul transition. He had questioned life and found the answers by educating himself. He practiced living love as an action verb. This love spread out to everyone and was returned in kind. This was not death but a renewing of spiritual energy to another realm of God's great design.

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