Hi there,

Thanks for posting.  I'm really glad you found Caring's groups.

Dealing with siblings in times of crisis can be so so SO difficult.  I completely understand why you probably feel like you're walking on eggshells. 

I think, if you decide to talk to your brother, the best thing to do is to start out by acknowleding how stressful it must be for him and how you sincerely appreciate all he's doing for your father.  The key will be getting him to understand where you're coming from - doing what's best for dad and him.  If you're trying to plea a case for hospice to help out, perhaps it would be a good idea to call them prior to speaking with your brother and be ready with a list of their services and how they can help him and your dad.   That way you're not saying, "I think hospice is a good idea" and basically giving him one more thing to do in having to call them.

I'll be thinking about you and your family.  Keep us updated!

First, welcome!

I think Missy gave some excellent advice-  if you focus on the fact that you are concerned about the stress and the toll that it's taking on him being the main caregiver, it will hopefully lessen any anger he has coming into the conversation. I also love the idea of  calling hospice ahead of time and having the information already ready for him to look over. 

Best of luck to you and please keep us updated. You sound like you are a very caring daughter and sister who is trying to look out for everyone as much as you can. Don't forget to take time out for yourself also, I know the situation is stressful for all invovled.

I agree with the others..I didn't have the problems of siblings because they didn't want to help at all so caring for my grandmother was left solely up to me..

I did get help from hospice for my grandmother and it gave me some time for myself..There are many different hospice organizations so you should probably call several in the area and find out what each hospice would provide to your father and brother..

Please know that if your father doesn't get along with a hospice worker that there are many people that have that issue and you can always request another worker..

Also medicare/medicaid does allow hospice but in my state that means that your father will lose some other benefits (medical) so you also want to check and see what your states rules are when you put your father into the program...

I feel for you and wish you luck...Please keep us posted...

As the sibling that's doing the bulk of the work caring for my ill Mom, I would welcome some involvement and help from my sister.  The person who said to frame it as concern for the caregiver is correct. Don't make them think you don't appreciate or don't recognize the job they do.  That may make them hurt or angry. 

It may also be that your brother is in denial about your father's condition and he doesn't want to recognize that it is time for hospice's help.  That can be a tricky issue to deal with.

I am the primary caregiver for my Mom and would love to have emotional support if not actual help from my sister.  She lives further away than I do and I understand it's more difficult for her to visit and take part in the daily decisions.  I try to keep her informed but she has decided to disengage herself from the process except to tell me what she thinks I'm doing wrong.  I work full time and have a child still at home.  My sister doesn't work and her children are away in college.  I am paying my Mom's bills, communicating with hospice, taking care of her (now empty) house and managing any other issues that come up. It would mean a lot of my sister would tell me she appreciates what I've done and is concerned about my physical or mental well being.  I would be glad to hear it if phrased that way. 

One question. Is your dad able to make any decisions at this time? If so, why not ask his opinion? I was recently faced with that only it was my dad (he was ill), and my stepmom. They had not mentioned it to us but I had certainly thought about it for them and was afraid to bring it up. I finally asked my stepmom if they had thought about it and then his doctor also suggested it. He squaked at first because they were very private people and did not like the idea of someone coming in and did not know what to expect. Then while in the hospital the last time, he said he would talk to them and I was able to be there. Knowing Hospice because I'm in the health care field, I knew they would only benefit. He agreed and was able to meet the Hospice nurse the next day. She came to the house twice a week or as often as needed and they got to see what wonderful people they are and he was able to get care at home. He passed away June 4th but it did put them at ease while he was home. The thing about Hospice is that they are just as supportive to the family as they are to the patient and at times like these you need all the support you can get. They help you through the process of dying. Before my dad was on Hospice, I had worked next to them on several occasions and  I can't say it enough, they are unbelievably compassionate and caring. Talk to your dad or your brother, it can't hurt. You won't know until you try. I wish you the best, believe me, I know how hard it is. Best of luck to you and my heart is with you and your family.

I want to thank everyone for all of their suggestions! It truly helps to know there are other people out there facing the same problems. I did mention Hospice and we did talk to them, however, they cannot provide the constant care that my dad requires. To answer Carla's question, my dad had significant brain damage from the craniotomy and while he can still carry on conversations, his short term memory is not very good and his ability to think through things is not very strong. He tends to get easily confused and frustrated. We are working through it and my brother realizes that he needs to take time for himself and his children. Hopefully we can continue to communicate in order to keep everyone's fears and concerns out in the open so that we are able to support one another. Thank you again for all of your support! I will continue to look to caring.com for guidance!

I'm sorry about your dad. I know that is really hard for all of you but you took the steps to open up and voice your concerns and questions. I think that helped you. After going through what we have before and after my dads death, I found caring.com quite by accident but there is a reason for everything. Continue to voice your feelings and concerns here because they all have helped me through my tough time.  I'm still in the midst but it's nice to have people to talk to. Good luck. Also, I'm sure it was good for your brother to hear some understanding. Maybe he will take your advice to heart and be there for you also. You are in this together.

Thanks for coming back to update us! I'm sorry to hear that Hospice isn't an option for you and your family but I do understand their reasoning.

You're doing awesome by continuing to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your brother. And it sounds like you may actually be starting to get through to him! Hopefully he'll continue to realize that he needs to take time out for himself and his children.

Best of luck to you and please come by anytime!