What to do, can I do, about dad?

First and foremost, my most sincere apologies for the length of this post. It is but an overview of our situation and a request for direction with what we are dealing with.

Dad is 74 years old and lives independently. He has 2 adult children, myself and my younger sister. He reunited with his high school sweetheart about 8 years ago and they have been together ever since. His wife, my mom, passed away 6 yrs ago and was well aware of the affair. His girlfriend is still married. Her husband has no idea and neither do 4 out of her 5 children. Due to dad's memory problems and inability to handle his own financial affairs (bill paying is almost completely overwhelming for him), she handles all of his financies for him. She lives with her husband but is at dad's house about 3 times a week. She is not on good terms with any one in the our family and she is fine with that. He has bragged about them since they first started going out.

Medically. Dad is non-compliant with is medications. He is on high blood pressure, cholesterol, coumedin, viagra and aricept (onset alzheimers) that we know of. He takes his blood pressure meds on occassion, usually wont take his coumedin ("that stuff is rat poison") and only takes the aricept a few tiems a week and then will double it up because he thinks it is wearing off. He follows his doctors orders when he thinks they work, but will change them (when he remembers them) or self medicates, depending on how he feels. He refuses to do for certain testing if he doesnt understand the need for it. I stopped in his doctors office about a year ago to mention to him about some of the issues my sister and I wear having about dad. I happened to be in uniform and the first thing the doctor said to me when he heard who I was there to talk about (before he knew I was the son) was "He stroked, didnt he. I've been expecting that from him. He wont follow my directions and is non-compliant on his medications."

Dad has no living will, power of attorney, advanced directive, ect... He feels that the money, about $2k, is too high and refuses to pay it. He has the money to pay, as that is definately not an issue. On the advice of his girlfriend's son, who an attorney, he paid $200 for a will that basically says nothing. He wants my younger sister to be his legal and medical voice if he can not be, and after he passes, but she lives 30/40 mins away, only has a cell phone and only uses it a few times a week. I usually wait 3 or 4 days for a return phone call, and thats with an urgent message. I dont care if I have the "legal powers" or not. My sister and I agree on everything pertaiing to medical care, end of life and estate affairs. I am just looking at what is best for dad in an emergency situation. Dad's sister, who's advice he relies on as long as he likes it, told him about entering "I.C.E." into his cell phone with my cell number. He said "NO! I want XXXX to take care of any emergency decisions. Not him." When she asked what happens when a doctor needs an answer right then and there and they cant get a hold of XXXX, he said, "then I'll die. Thats the end of it."

Mentality/attitude. Dad's girlfriend handles most of his big financial items, bill paying, check book, ect.. The smaller things, purchases, gas for the car, groceries, ect.. he takes care of. He trusts her with anything and everything and will follow her advice no matter what it is or what it is on. She will cover for him, help him through anything and basically be his "enabler' for anything he needs help with. She is afraid of any one in the family seeing what is going on, as she feels this will threaten her standing with him. He has been asked, "What would you do if, heaven forbid, she should die before you or simply leves you?" His repsonse; "I would put a bullet between my eyes." Those who have been told this, do believe that he would hurt himself. As for my sister, dad and her are somewhat close. She will tell him what he wants to her and not argue with him, as she doesnt want to "set him off." On the other hand, dad and I have never had the close father/son relationship one would expect to see. Becasue of that, dad has come to the point of taking out all his anger/frustration towards me. I have been acused of breaking into his house and stealing his generator (he later found it in his garage, he forgot what "that thing" in there was), his painting supplies (when told he gave them to his sister, he then said to her "I would never have done that, I need those. You must have broken into my house with xxxx (me) to steal them, and then proceeded to call her everything in the book that would make a well seasoned sailor blush. Her phone call ended with a 2 hour crying session for what she was labeled as. I got the same phone call first, and then my sister, and we both hung up on him and cried for what was told to us. He has called me up, as well as my sister and Aunt at all hours of the night using the same language and name calling because he got a thought in his mind and believes it to be true. With my visit to his doctors a year ago, he told my Aunt that he believes I dressed up as a doctor, walked into his doctors office with a briefcase (to look important) and sat down and discussed his medical issues and treatments, "doctor to doctor." She has talked with him about me and she has told me "he believes that he hates you so much, I would simply stay out of his life. He wants to see his lawyer to change his will in a major way and I am trying to steer him away from that as he wants to eliminate you from everything in his life. (When mom died, he did this too. Threw out anything and everything that was hers, related to her or their 47 years of marriage. thisis typical dad mentality.) I wont repeat what he said to me about you, but I know that if he see's you again, someone is going to get hurt physically and from what he was saying he would do, it might be you (me)." We live 2 blocks from my dad. I have safety concerns over our kids (13 and 10) being home when we are not, as dad might stop by to see his grandkids (highly unlikely as he doesnt care about them and he says he doesnt have time in his life for them anyway) or drop something off, knowing that my wife and I are at work, and then snap and go after the kids, either verbally or physically if they wont let him in as they have been instructed. For the last 6 years or so, he has deemed it upon himself that he can walk right into our house, unannounced. About a year ago, he walked into our house about 11:30pm and scared the daylights out of our kids (13 and 10) and us. He then forgot what he came over for and left. The chances of him coming over now are highly unlikely, but with his mind set, we dont know. If he should come over, his visit would be because he was not in a "good mood" and wanted to challange someone. We lock our doors when we are home and use the back door most often to go out front just in case he "drives by and decides to stop". His state-of-mind can change with the drop of a dime. When home, we have become prisoners in our own house, for fear of him coming by or just driving by, seeing one of us and stopping to argue or fight.

So what can I do? This is eating me up to the point of sleepless nights and some personal health issues. I have pretty much disassociated myself with him as a father I can visit, safely, or talk to. As a grandfather, our kids, as well as my sisters, have written him off years ago when his life became "to busy for them", ie.. when the girlfriend came into the picture. I know that part of this is him and his personality, and part of it is the alzheimers (never properly tested, yet diagnosed/treated for by his doctor) and part of it is his being non-compliant with his meds. I have had to pretty much put him in a "dead to me, yet physically still here" mind set to help me deal with it, yet he is my dad. I do still are for him, about him, what he does and what happens to him. Bottom line, I LOVE him. I had to take care of mom, her meds, doctors appointments, chemo therapy and daily visits to their house for her last year, as dad was too busy with his girlfriend and traveling with her. Whether I am that active in his medical care doesnt bother me, I jsut want to know what is going so I can watch, from a distance if need be, to make sure he is being treated right and is as well as can be. I dont care if I have the "legal powers" or my sister does, I jsut want to make sure that he is legally covered in all aspects and that things will be as easy as possible when it comes to his matters of estate for my sister and I to handle.

Do I have any options? Is there help for my dad and his family? I cant talk to him or see him and anyone tht mentions my name to him or tries to talk about me to him immediately gets the violent outbursts and gets lumped into the same "disassociated" group as I am in. Is it time to call in a mental health worker? Another "confidentail consultation" trip to the doctors? Is there anything legal I can to help protect him, his estate as well as my sister and I?