The position of secondary caregiver. Most difficult

After I experienced my Mom's open heart surgery at the age of  83 by standing by my 83 year old Dad.  He was so lost and fearful that we would lose her.  Then Dad and I both caring for her during her recovery.  She was never the same mentally and physically. I have to smile when I recall showering her and getting soaking wet myself. Dad was worried about the cost of a bench for the shower. Since then he has proceeded with his own treatment plan.  She bucked the exercise she needed and was not keeping her blood sugar (Type 2 diabetic) within normal range. We are in small town in Western NC. Health providers are not the sharpest. Also she attended classes with my Dad about diet and still goes to the cardiologist when necessary. She gave up cooking and I tried to intervene but was pushed out of the kitchen and shopping by my Dad.  His idea of good food is what he was fed as a poor mountain boy and also shopped depression era style. Her memory began a slow decline but I was not able to convince her PCP to take me seriously about possible Alzheimer's.  Both of her sisters were diagnosed and we heard from afar the decline of each until death.  At this time they are 88, Mom sits in a chair, has no social contact at all with the exception of a visiting lay minister.  That women has been a blessing and her visits have been consistant. Mom has problems with balance and incontinence.  This keeps her homebound. Dad will never stop caring the best he knows how.  He is finally realizing that he cannot bring her back to her old self.  A stroke took away her ability to work with numbers but he insists she write the checks. We separate the mail. Making the bills priority and not passing along the volumes of junk she gets from charities. She will send money to anyone with a sad story.  This seemed a satisfactory way of giving since she no longer feels she can transport herself (even with supportive help) to church. She has given up her favorite activity. Dressing up for church , singing in a choir, and being on the board of trustees. She did listen to the service on the radio, but that interest has passed. Her only activity is laundry. Dad has barred neighbors from visiting. She sits at her desk as she did for many years as a well respected and effective assistance to directors of a county agency.  Now she sorts through one of at least four piles of "papers" she cannot organize. Their finances in good old German style are a complete mystery to me.  They have refused my offer to help set up automatic payments and cut back on her major stressor and source of verbal abuse by Dad.  I have fought with him in a very diplomatic way that her bahavior of sleeping late, not getting dressed, no longer using the cel phone I gave her for long distance calls. She has very limited interest in making contact with anyone.  She talks not engage in conversation with my 3 long distance sisters, her grandchildren, minister friends from the past. Dad cooks, cleans, maintains the condo they own the best he can.  He still reads, he has taken over the television. He contributes to her sugar maintenance by buying cookies (cheap as he can find), apple fritters soaked in grease and covered with sugar glaze. He is devoted but has always taken care of his own problems. His caregiving is wearing him out but he feels the responsibility is ours.  Mostly he does the work.  I do the pills, monitor her blood, encourage to dress, offer help with anything she sadly tells me that she doesn't understand whats happening to her. Despite my efforts I have never been able convince any of her changing PCP's that perhaps an evaluation and medication could improve her empty state of being. It is getting worse and I finally convinced Dad that she needs some services (covered by insurance) and since she lives to chat with anyone, she needs some companionship besides ours. I am starting with a visit to her PCP in the morning.  I not sure any meds will improve her memory, cognitive ability or even slow it. My original anger about mortality as it relates to my parents.  The caring.com was a gift from some Universal Power for good.  I knew when I was out of line.  I learned to accept their decline and the path they are on. It is a part of life.  If I am able to procur an order for a home evaluation by our county Homeservices and get her some relief . Some company , some human contact I'll feel better.  I have also made plans with our county Alzheimer Assoc.  They are funded to provide respite for the caregiver.  My 88 year old Dad. He does leave her alone she has not progressed to wondering, she has begun to have some hallucinations of family members, and wonders if the cats can see them.  I am disabled an my income in down a bit from a corporate mangers salary I enjoyed 6 years ago.  I try to make sure she has what she needs, underware, socks, a new article of clothing, ensure, and an assist with the dreaded checkbook. I am now doing paperwork and enrolling them in a new prescription plan from Dad's pension benefits.  Just getting them to reveal to me their SS numbers was a chore and they are relenting on some of their secret information.  I just want to get some life into that house. I think my conversations with my Dad have begun to make sense to him. He will still cook pork and fried potatoes. No one else plans a meal or even gets into that kitchen. I told him. She just can't do certain things anymore and she isnot going to improve.  We just need to love her and give her the best we can.  That's not easy when she accuses me of taking her purse or her medication by stealing into the place after they go to bed. I have my own pills to take I told her. I was so angry I left the house and went home. She was stressed about finding the letter about the insurance chage that requires mail order and so 90 prescriptions from their doctor. This is beyond Dad or Mom.  Two tons of paperwork, registrationing, getting new ins cards and making sure theyhave the meds they need until the transition takes place April 1.  I told him "Dad, we need outside help".  He just took it in.  I am going to take some action. Get her comfortable.  Take down some of his stress.  I do not have power of attorney. If he makes it through this ordeal fine.  I would not be able to lift, dress, bath clean, cook, monitor mrdication, blood sugar etc.  God helps those that help themselves.  A recent improvement in my functioning level has started the ball rolling.  I cannot cry.  It sometimes hurts worse than that.  Her hearing, memory, gums, balance and cognition have all been left to me to deal with. I think my Dad's denial if breaking down.  He made her a banana split after chopping awayat her limited self esteem over that stupid checkbook.  He gives thebills  to her apart from other mail but the always make into her paper piles of letters begging her for money. so she sorts and sorts for hours, distracted by saving wild horses or Indian children.  Frustration abounds. I am working on having alife that brings me some happiness in the face of tremendous sadness as she fades away. That's all . I love them both so much.