Hello, I am new to this site and am wondering if anyone has any advise to deal w/ my father. My mother was diagnosed w/ cancer and began chemotherapy a few weeks ago. My brother and I were interested in obtaining a second opinion from another oncologist that we had heard was more "compassionate" with a better bed-side manner. We informed my father that we had set up an appointment, which at first he seemed open to. The day of the appointment, he refused to go and has been acting angry and dropping passive aggressive comments towards my mother, blaming her for 'confusing" everyone by talking to another doctor.
The new oncologist was wonderful, spent more than an hour w/ my mother and gave her more information than she had ever received from her current doctor. My mother was very comfortable w/ this doctor and seemed interested in making the change until my father began acting out and basically making her feel "bad" by what he describes as, "going behind the doctor's back." Now my mother almost feels obligated to stay w/ her oncologist, even though she doesn't feel 100% about her decision.
My mother is 75, father is 76. Any words of wisdom, support?
Perhaps the best way to handle this is to take your dad out into a non-confrontational setting (perhaps out to breakfast or something else he would enjoy) and talk to him. Say things like "We are all on the same team here and want mom to get the best care possible." and "She needs our support." Maybe by trying to convince your dad that you all want the same thing, he'll see that his dessention isn't helping anything. Ask him to talk about why he feels so strongly that your mom should stick with the first doctor.
In our own family, my dad once did something similar to my mom. He felt really dishonest about finding a second opinion, yet went along with it. It wasn't until that first doctor praised my parents for seeking out that opinion and explaining how he has no problem with it because, after all, we all need to be comfortable with the course of care taken, that dad eased up about it.
Getting medical care can be so emotional. It can be tough when we feel like there could be an adversarial relationship with the one we're trusting our care with. I'll bet your dad's attitude stems from wanting the best care for your mom.
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