Dad is home from hip replacement, stubborn and depressed posted by Missy @ 04:56 PM November 20, 2009

Missy — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:56:49 -0000

Steve, I completley understand. We didn't deal with a hip replacement, but my dad kind of went through the same motions, emotionally, as your dad is. I wish I could say I found the magic answer. Unfortunately what I learned is that after you plea your case for the benefits of following doctor's orders and moving forward, tell your parent you're there for him to help him progress and then leave it up to him. If he won't do the rehab, you can't make him.

Another thing we realized about my dad was that he would avoid social situations due to his hearing loss and weakness. With the weakness, it was almost like the chore of getting ready discouraged him to the point where he would deem it not worth it and not go out. Yet, when the situation was kind of forced (like he felt obligated to go to a birthday party, for example) he'd be really happy and say over and over again what a great time he had. So maybe getting your dad back in touch with the outside world among things/people he loves will help motivate him.

Another thought is to talk to your dad's doctor about prescribing an anti-depressant. Sometimes folks in this age range are unwilling to try such a drug, but remind him there's no committment. Try it for a few weeks. If he's unhappy, go off it.

Hope something I've said helped! Anyone else have tips?

Dad is home from hip replacement, stubborn and depressed posted by steve7701 @ 05:32 AM November 20, 2009

steve7701 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:32:13 -0000

My dad is 87, hasn't been sick in 50 years, fell and broke his hip at the end of October. He came home yesterday, and is depressed about his limitations. He thought that after the hospital released him he would be 100% well. Now he finds he needs a walker and wheelchair, in-home rehab, and it will be months at best for him to recover most of his abilities. I get mad at him because he seems so weak. He can't see that he is doing well, fights against doing rehab. One hour he grudgingly says he'll do the rehab, then an hour later he says he wants to take arsenic and die. It's especially hard for me and my sister to see, since mom died 3 years ago after an 11-month fight with lung cancer. She NEVER complained, saw the humor in tough times, etc. On top of all this, he is nearly deaf, and uncommunicative of his feelings. Anyone have any thoughts, encouragement?

No Rights, No Security, No Nothing posted by Nana2009 @ 02:49 AM November 20, 2009

Nana2009 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:49:58 -0000

Islandluvv

Oh..my...lord.. and you're still standing? I hope you are documenting everything. Amazing that it makes you feel better (venting) and as proof, you may possibly need one day of your services and to protect yourself. I'm 24/7 with two terminally ill, with dementia, depressed and angry 85 year old parents. I have money and could leave, but just can't seem to.

I have a brother who lives 5 blocks away and used to never visit or help. He has no clue. And twice questioned something I was doing here. (Also remember that alzheimers and dementia people can make things up and you could actually get into trouble, some of them turn you in for abuse!)

So GIVE her a clue. My way, to work around brother's ..uh..arrogance was an emai, bsically saying: Jim, concerned because I'm having some back problems and that if anything happens to me, you need to have this list so 'someone' will know how to care for Mom and Dad (or whoever) and their personal needs. They are failing very fast, with increasing demands.

AND THEN I LISTED THEM. Didn't go overboard, but did add, 'brought Mom this" brought Dad that". It adds up as we know. Oh my gosh did my brother see the light. You see.. if I'm down, then HE would have to do it or HIRE someone and actually pay them real money. The person your sister has in the house is not acceptable. He could easily go back (or is probably already on) drugs. HE could take things and they = might blame you.

I can understand in your current financial condition how you're between a rock and a VERY hard spot. So,document everything. I even mentioned that ..Mom and Dad are so confused now, they keep saying I'm taking the glasses, or plates etc. Everything they misplace, they blame me for....I'm worried about what they might blame me for next." Covered all my bases. Give a copy to their doctors, or cseworker or whoever "So they can better understand their conditions".

Protect yourself and make a future plan..no matter how unreal it seems to you now. You have to look 'forward'. It will save your mind. Take care.....

No Rights, No Security, No Nothing posted by Missy @ 01:17 AM November 20, 2009

Missy — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:17:48 -0000

Hi Island,

It sounds like you really have your hands full. Have you ever looked into being paid by the Medicaid system to provide care for your loved ones? Here's a link to some possibly helpful information.

No Rights, No Security, No Nothing posted by islandluvv @ 11:06 PM November 19, 2009

islandluvv — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:06:58 -0000

After suffering 2 strokes from congenital carotid atrophy, I lost my apartment by foreclosure in Dec. 2007. Basically homeless, my sister asked me to care for my uncle that was living with my parents to help relieve the pressure on my father who was handling all the household resposibilities. My mother and Uncle (brother and sister), were just being diagnosed with Alzeimer's and everyone was ambulatory and capable of fixing meals except uncle who used a walker and needed assistance in the bathroom. My sister who lives 2 minutes away paid me 150.00 a week to care for my uncle and I assumed the household chores and driving of my parents for room and board. I also got a part time job near home caring for an elderly couple. Aug. 2009, my uncle is incontinent, non-ambulatory, mother just had a mastectomy and her Alzeimer's has progressed where she cannnot fix a meal or perform any househould duties and finally my dad's legs have been causing alot of pain for him therefore he cannot do as much as he used too. I'm getting 135.00 a week to care for my uncle as I'm paying half for the service of a yardman as to allow more time attending to houshold duties. Nov. 2009, my sister informs me that I'm not doing my job good enough, that my uncle is being left to long between changings and that if I didn't keep up she will no longer pay me. My sister hires a convicted felon (promotion of a dangerous drug, theft 4) to help with the household duties. I was forced to get rid of my car that had been stored at my parent's that I had invested $16,000 in that needed $1000 more to be finished as I had put in $1300 over the summer. $540.00 is hard to spread in Hawaii. The car was towed yesterday. I think I'll light a candle for myself.

edit my candle story >

Sibling Drama posted by MADUNV1 @ 10:02 PM November 19, 2009

MADUNV1 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:02:27 -0000

I would contact an Elder Law organization in your state. Let them know your concerns.

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by MADUNV1 @ 09:59 PM November 19, 2009

MADUNV1 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:59:27 -0000

I have three brothers and one sister. My sister lives 3 hours away, my brothers - one lived with my mother with his wife, one lived next door to my mother with his wife and the other lived 1 mile down the street. I have been the primary caregiver for my mother since June 3, 2007. I worked, had a family - but was still expected to drive thirty minutes to where my mother lived to take care of her. I was there every Tuesday (my day off) and every weekend for the weekend. The stress almost killed me. I finally moved mom into my house on March 25th 2009, and not one family member has helped in any way. I've been to the drug store and the grocery store only since mom's been here. My family is pathetic. All of them could have helped then, and could help now, but they don't. Stay tuned for my full story - hopefully on a bookshelf near you!

Controlling angry dad posted by GALOWA @ 08:46 PM November 19, 2009

GALOWA — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:46:29 -0000

Hi Collin,

First of all, YOU NEED ROOMMATES TO HELP PAY THE MORTGAGE... (take the least good room for yourself and charge for the rooms and utilities on a per bedroom square footage basis.) That way, you can keep the house and consider your options from there.

Personally, I'd continue to work part-time and start back to school part-time. It is never too late to go in a new direction. Also, whatever your father's business is, the experience you've gotten working there should help you find a new position elsewhere. (Just don't ask him for a reference.)

I had a nasty father. I got in my car, left the east coast, and drove as far as I could. If I could have driven to Hawaii, I would have. But I built a new life in California - with no regrets. The MOST IMPORTANT thing about being distanced is that when I married and had children, this bully was NOT a part of their lives.

Get away while you can...

Good luck,

Galowa

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by overwhelmed @ 03:49 PM November 18, 2009

overwhelmed — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:49:49 -0000

Its strange but I feel the same even though I have never been married or suffered the loss of a husband of my own. My heart goes out to anyone who looses anyone. Sometimes I look at my mom and I can see all the disapointments in her eyes. I have only been in a three year relationship and thought of just a minor break up could be easily upsetting. I cant imagine in 30 or 40 yrs what it would be like to loose him. I find alot of people loose patience with others tell them to move on and that their decist love one would want them to move on and though it might be true. I feel like it takes time for each indiviual to grasp the concept of what really happened to them. Its not just the death that affects us its that overtime we as indivuals forget how to function without eachother. I dont think we realize how much of an impact people have on our lives. I pray for each person who has suffered a loss and I also tell everyone not to rush yourself to get over things take small steps. You can not rush your mental health but also take care of yourself and eventually in time the pain is more bearable. I dont think the hurt goes away I just think eventually you wake up and see that you cant change life and what happens to other people you can only adjust to the changes. For all of the spouses that have lost their spouses I dont think you ever have to stop loving them you just have to re learn living without them. Take each day one step at a time. Dont be disapointed if you step back every once in a while. At the end of the day we are all human and we have feelings that we need to express.

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by Nana1950 @ 12:44 PM November 18, 2009

Nana1950 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:44:22 -0000

We just lost my father in January 2009. He was the strength of our family, our everything. I am an only child, and live 125 miles from my Mom. She is suffering horribly, but trying. I live on by the memories, the good times, realizing my life will never be the same. My 83 yr old mother lost a 61 yr marriage of a life partner. Sometimes we don't understand why they mourn so horribly, but we will only understand when we lose a partner who was our world, how lonely it would be. I support my Mom through all her phases of grief and just back off when I don't understand and be there for her, and support her. I will never regret it, and am here for her until either her or I pass on, knowing we will see my "Daddy" again! PATIENCE will be rewarded tenfold to not understanding something (losing a spouse) that we won't understand fully until we are in those shoes!

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by me too @ 02:46 PM November 16, 2009

me too — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:46:45 -0000

I'm the primary caregiver to my mother whose spouse (my father) died while she was recovering from surgery. I can't tell you how miserable it is to care for someone who has such deep deep sorrow for herself. I completely understand the need for compassion to care for someone who has lost a loved one. However, LIFE MUST GO ON! Not just for the suffering, but for those that have to care for the suffering person.

With all do respect, we all suffer in some way in life, whether we're the victim of suffering or those related to the victim. I think we need to look at ourselves well, deep inside and ask ourselve what is stopping us from LIVING?

I live with anger because of all the stupid decisions my mother made about her life and for her life. Her decisions were so self-centered and careless, but yet I constantly pray to God for the grace to align my will with His, to carry my cross and obey His command to "honor my father and mother". The anger is my reality. It's not my mom's.

I've examined my conscience to find the root of my anger. There are a host of other vices within me that lingers, but they are mine. I know I too have the choice to change myself to make MY life better in the midst of my mother's sorrow and depression, BUT it works the other way around for the person who is suffering.

I have to be honest with myself and my mom. I do tell her to stop being so selfish and thinking only about herself. Dad has passed on and we have to think about the good in his passing on and that is that HE IS NO LONGER SUFFERING. Why should we continue to mourn and grieve for someone who is no longer suffering?

Think about your grief JELUS. Is it for the loss of a loved one or because you can't live your life the way you want it to be or use to be? Your depression is not only hurting you, but you already know it's hurting your family too. What do you want to leave behind for your children to remember you by? A sorry depressed individual or a fighter?

I say all this with much respect that you will choose LIFE for yourself and your family. You know what it takes to get out of your rut, you just need to make the firm decision to stick with a plan that will bring you and your family happiness.

No, it won't be easy, but even little baby steps are better than sulking and feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. You can't bring your loved one back and live your life the way it use to be, but you can write a different page, a different chapter in your LIFE that will give a happier meaning for your children. Your example of how you overcome this depression will plant the seeds of strength and virtue in your children and grandchildren far more fruitful than the seeds of depression and vices.

In the end, we all desire Heaven or peace. Far better that we show our children that the sufferings we face in life are meant to strengthen us and help us grow in virtue, than to show them that we just give up on life. Your children deserve you ALIVE and LIVING, not dead in depression.

Please forgive me. I hope you'll forgive me if I sound harsh. I don't mean to be harsh with my words. I just hope and pray you and my mother would choose to look at your life as a gift from God. That He has a great plan for you, even in the midst of your tragedy in life. Just to let you know, we all suffer in some way or another. You have been so blessed by such loving a caring family. They wouldn't be hurting so much if they didn't love so much. They need you now, but of strong mind, body and soul.

Please, please think and pray about the choices you are making about your life and how it is affecting others. You are still young and your life has so much to offer your family and our world. I hope and pray you will discern what you are called to do with your life. God be with you always.

Respectfully yours,

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by Jelus @ 05:21 AM November 11, 2009

Jelus — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:21:50 -0000

Being the parent that had to hold onto the daughter while I cried myself to sleep every night, thought about leaving to be with my husband. I now know what a blessing I have in my daughter. All that she was able to do for me was to keep telling me "WE are going to make it through this Mom" WE makes a whole lot of difference when she feels so alone right now. Making promises that you will not allow her to leave you alone without talking to you about it is important too. "Mom, I know it is hard for you now and believe me "We are going to have to work really hard at this" But I can't imagine living without both of my parents." Please promise me that you will be strong and ask for my help and holding on like I will hold onto you when I need it Mom. I don't know your age, but my girl was 14 when our lives was torn apart. She was hurting pretty bad herself, but just he fact that she would come to me, give me a hug, lay down beside me in my bed and lay with me, stroke my hair, tell me that "we" were going to make it through this, we will be alright were things that helped me believe that I may really have been able to make it through. Finally I had a dream where my husband was there in my dream (I probably had four or five of them) but this one was me following him through this muddy underground tunnel like we were looking for something, like I was trying to follow him. He then turned and looked at me and mental telepathy or something knowing he told me that if I chose to follow him down this road he would make sure that he was hidden on a different plain than I would ever be able to find him on because "There was no way he would allow me to leave our children with NO parent here to help them on their journey". I woke up the next morning realizing that suicide was not an option for me, no matter what. I had terrible times still after that, but I knew I was going to have to get through it differntly than leaving my children alone. John died in May of 2004, it is now November of 2009 and it has been about a month since I finally have had some closure in my life about that part of it. You get to a point that you realize you can no longer feel sorry for yourself and the only way to move on is to give a little. Quit feeling that sorry and start moving because you have to. I wish you the best honey, I wish I could take some of your pain away. After almost six years I still miss more than anyone can imagine, but I have come to the conclusion that I can go on now. Remember "We" is easier than you or me. My thoughts are for you and your Mother. Keep your belief that she and you together will get through this. Many times just hearing her tell me "We are gonna get through this Mom" made more tears flow but it was because I felt so fortunate that she was there for me. Now I have had to let go of some of the guilt of holding her so tight when I know she was in pain, but my need was her healing powers too. Love is important. Understanding is important. Anger will come too, but that part you can't do together with her. Let her be angry on her own and you stand aside and be neutral to that part. You have your own issues with that to deal with on your own time. Keep remembering "We are gonna get through this Mom, I promise" Best of Luck and find outside support as soon as she is accepting of it. There is widows support groups, Google it. You will find groups in your area for both you and her. It may not be right for you or her, but it is a start at moving forward. Baby Steps honey, baby steps.

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by overwhelmed @ 02:56 AM November 11, 2009

overwhelmed — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:56:18 -0000

Reading these blogs make me feel like I am not alone. My mom has currently decided to check herself in to a clinic to get health with her chronic depression. I feel awful and Im trying soooo hard to hold myself together. I keep reading all these articles about depression and how to deal with helping someone out of it. She has told me more then once that it would be easier just to let go and not live anymore. I dont think Ive ever been so afraid to hear anything come out of someone mouth. I know that she is safe right now and we have a long road to go. The doctors are talking about changing her medication. I am prepared to do whatever I can to be supportive but let them do their job. I really am praying last night was the first time Ive ever prayed to my father to help me get through this. I cant go through the loss of both of parents its way too hard to bear.

How to handle family member wanting moms money posted by altogetherb @ 04:37 AM November 05, 2009

altogetherb — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:37:27 -0000

I cannot believe my family. I used to get along with them really good, until I moved to town and I seen how they treated my wonderful mother who has always been good to everyone at all times. They have stole from her, borrowed monery from her and never paid it back, lied to me, lied to her, swindled me,and never paid it back. I even got a slap in the face for not lending my sister money for the casino, in which she insisted on. Now, I'm the drunk, the sicko,and she makes sure everyone in town knows it. My mother almost died and out of eight of us, I was the only one there at her death bed. I brought her back to health with positive thinking and my love for her, and the rest of them are all negative and they stress her out all the time. Ma don't have much at all, I pay for everything, that's the problem. They want wants no even there. they have put me through hell, as long as ma. I even offered to pay them to leave us alone and they refuse to......... what in the hell can I do ??? It seems that they won't leave us alone until we die, and then it turns all positive on their part , and of course,,,, I'm the dog. Oh, I could go on and on on these ass holes. It's never ending. Ma doesn't even know what her grandkids look like ! they send no pictures even though I have paid them to do so. This goes on and on, I promise you !

How to handle family member wanting moms money posted by heshoots67 @ 11:36 PM November 03, 2009

heshoots67 — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:36:20 -0000

yes it is so true.

How to handle family member wanting moms money posted by Nana1950 @ 04:20 AM November 03, 2009

Nana1950 — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 04:20:53 -0000

This exact thing happened to my poor mother in law, and my gf said it happened to her Dad. With you paying her expenses I would assume you are her POA? If you are then put your foot down with the vultures, and explain to your Mom that you need to be in charge for her future to be secure. When my father passed this past January, some came forward right away and wanted to claim this and that. I am an only child so I said everything (with my Mom's permission) is in my control, and now the vultures (unfortunately my kids) don't ask anymore. Good luck to you sweetie, it's so sad to see people take advantage of the elderly.

How to handle family member wanting moms money posted by me again @ 04:23 PM November 02, 2009

me again — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:23:43 -0000

Hi Caregiving family, I need your help. How do you handle family members always asking my mom for money? My mom has a money to last her with proper budgeting to last her until her final day. Power of Attorney and a Will has been set up. Irresponsible, unreliable, people are coming to her every other month to get large amounts of money without paying her back. I'm at odds with my mom because I try to explain she can not give all her money away. You never know what you may need it for in the future. My mom is so generous to a fault. Help what should I do. I've tried talking to the main people asking for money. I've tried to explain that the money should be used for our mom not to finance their lifstyles, they don't get it they are only concern about what the want. They feel she doesn't spend any money, doesn't go anywhere what does she need with the money. They need it she has it give it to me. It's so frustating because I'm the one paying expenses from her money and I see first hand how fast it goes. And when it's all gone the same ones that keep asking her for money will be the last ones to help her. Any suggestion would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.

Angry and Hurt after father's passing... posted by msbarneybutt @ 04:34 AM October 31, 2009

msbarneybutt — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 04:34:33 -0000

I am a 44 year old woman that has had will ALWAYS have had "issues" with anyone in my family. most especially my Mom & Dad. I KNOW I met THE one for me on 02/02/112099. We planned on getting married 11/11/2011. My parents came to think the absolute world of him with no holds barred, which surprised me to no end with a divorce that's been pending since 203/2004. At any rate, on 01/01/2009, we arose & prepared to go to New Year's Dinner with my mom & dad about an hour +/- away. We arrived there & within 30 minutes, he was dead. My parents upon whom I am almost totally & completely financially dependent treat me as though I am an imbecile since I should be quite past this by now. Sheesh, it's been almost a year. However, they both are more concerned/worried about appearances than what one truly feels. I do have one much, much younger sister who I feel DOES actually understand since she is in the massage/psycho therapy fields & is trying to integrate them into one.

As I mentioned earlier, my parents who are almost totally & completely financially supporting me now (I guess I could go into THAT story, but that is another story within many, many other stories) with very little future of supporting myself, no matter how desperately I wish it to be so, & I very, very much feel as though THEY feel as though I should be past this recent significant event (no matter how horrifically painful since I have survived many others just as painful if not more so prior to this one though I personally feel as though someone has cut my heart out of my chest & thrown it to thd dogs to do with it as they please. They treat me as though I am a literal imbecile with no sense whatsoever.

while I know first hand-that neither of them have EVER experienced the very, very sudden & most unexpected death of someone as I did. I DO have a counselor that can only do what she is able to do, talk to me when she is able & see me when she can.

I apologize for my "whining," but I do NOT have anyone whoe even has the time or will to listen & at the very least TRY to understand about which I am talking/writing or whatever else. I am extremely lonely, have few to no friends & just don't know what to do with myself which is compounded by the fact that I broke multiple bones in my foot; hence, my mobility is rather limited.

I apologize for my rambling, but I do have "good" & "bad" moments throughout each & everyday. Go figure: Such is life in this miserable place most of us call "earth"/"the world." Oh, just an FYI: I am NOT bipolar. I just have many, many things which I have had to face but with which my parents refuse to face &/or deal. And this all at the age of 44!!!!

Sheesh, I honestly feel for the umpteenth that my life could get no worse. I have always heard/been told/read that it can never get worse yet it always seems to do exactly that.

Many, many thanks to ANYONE who has the nerve to reply to my "tirade," yet I am in such literal as well as mental pain right now that I just don't have a clue as to where to start at this miserable juncture in my life.

barneybutt@hotmail.com Cyndi of AL/GA

Handling the end less stream of visitors posted by not myself @ 05:20 PM October 30, 2009

not myself — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:20:52 -0000

Tea and empathy to you! I am a caregiver for my parents, and my mother has Alzheimer's. I have 8 sibs and 13 nieces and nephews, half of whom live hundreds of miles away. I live in a big enough home to have them visit, and am happy that they do, but it IS a lot of extra work. As the rest of the sibs are local, there is also always a lot of visiting back and forth among and between them, too. My husband (the SIL :/) often bridles at the already deficient lack of privacy, and the virtual upheaval of the household when the teeming hordes come to town. I will say, however, that all my sibs have done anything and everything I have asked of them and more--especially after I had two surgeries; my sisters rotated through for two months, and pretty much took care of EVERYTHING. They are still "guests" however, and entail a certain amount of preparation and logistics re-orientation. Also, I'm (sort of) back to normal, so the expectations will be as before, I think. We have, however, had a couple of realizations, and made some simple changes that help a great deal.

I don't make up the beds anymore. I put a pile of clean linens and towels on the bed, and just let them know that I didn't have time to do it myself.
I don't even try to shop ahead anymore for the extra groceries. Once they get here, I send them to the supermarket each day after we (together) make up a list.
I have asked that they let me know by noon if they will be here for dinner, so I can plan accordingly.
With one or two rare exceptions, I have asked them to rent cars at the airport--those pick-ups and drop-offs eat tons of time.
I always do the medical visits, but the sibs take my parents anywhere they want/need to go (library, haircuts, etc.)

The only problems I've had since we started doing this only involve my way vs. your way in dealing with things around the house when they are here to help. I usually defer, except on things that are a matter of principal. Only had one of those, and it was quickly resolved with effusive apologies from each of us to the other.

And this one I find to be silly, and am embarassed to mention it, but we have TIVO, and once or twice a week, my husband and I each or both have something recording that we want to see. Sibs are often junkies of other "can't miss this" shows, and we are not a "multiple TV set" household, except for my parents set, and NOBODY in right mind interferes with that. I tend to cave to the sibs on this one, and it aggravates my husband no end. Oh, well. Can't get it ALL right!

Life is easier now. Good luck with yours!

Handling the end less stream of visitors posted by AnnieG @ 02:36 PM October 30, 2009

AnnieG — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:36:19 -0000

In my opinion, these visitors are taking advantage of your generous hospitality. I would place a limit on how long they stay and how many are allowed to visit. This is a great imposition to you and your husband should understand this.

Good luck.

Angry and Hurt after father's passing... posted by handbaglady @ 09:24 PM October 29, 2009

handbaglady — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:24:37 -0000

I have been a loving, supportive, exhausted and frustrated caregiver for my 88 year old mother who passed away one week ago.

I took her into my home and quit my job to care for her 24/7 for eight solid years. I only had 2 days off the entire time to have some surgery. In spite of all that, we managed to have a wonderful time together and I would say 90% of the eight years was a positive and gratifying experience. I always knew I would never have any regrets or guilt after her death because I had been so much "there" for her during her life. I miss her terribly and every morning since her passing I momentarily awaken, thinking I have to get her breakfast, only to realize she is gone.

She had a terrible last three months and I was actually filled with peace when I got the 2am call from the hospital informing me of her death.

My brother and sister-in-law are on the opposite side of emotions. Rarely there for my mom, and with two teenaged grandchildren who were always "too busy" to write or email grandma. They are having a hard time dealing with their grief. I am expecting a drama-filled specticle at her upcoming memorial service. Any advice on how I should handle any inappropriate comments or outbursts?

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by heshoots67 @ 12:14 AM October 28, 2009

heshoots67 — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:14:32 -0000

My mom and my sisters we lost my dad 6years ago. I'ts been so hard for us during the years.

How to help a parent when their spouse dies? posted by RobinD @ 09:37 PM October 27, 2009

RobinD — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:37:04 -0000

It's a tough thing to deal with. My mother passed 90 days before my father who was inconsolable. And each person deals with the loss differently.

I've always believed in tough love. Think of it this way: life has ended for the one who has passed, but we have to continue. If we don't our lives fall apart.

Sometimes the best way to deal with it is to let that person know that you're going through the same thing. Loss is painful. I've never lost a spouse but I've witnessed it and it is heartbreaking. My parents were together 60 years. Dad tried to go on with his life, but I think he just decided to give up - his pain so profound in losing her that life had no meaning to him anymore.

She has you and you've been very supportive, maybe if she had to face the day alone, her strength would come if you asked her for help. Just a suggestion. Sometimes thinking about others brings you back to the living.

Angry and Hurt after father's passing... posted by RobinD @ 09:28 PM October 27, 2009

RobinD — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:28:58 -0000

That's a tough one, and every family has their own skeletons. I think the only way to survive it is to let it go. Bottom line, your father suffered for so many years and he's finally out of pain. Isn't that the main issue here?

Once you get past it, you can grieve for him which will take some time. Not letting yourself grieve and be embroiled in all the drama is just making it worse.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Handling the end less stream of visitors posted by Missy @ 02:03 AM October 27, 2009

Missy — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:03:56 -0000

Holy moly! Are these people coming from a great distance away? A nine day stay isn't a visit. It's a vacation! You're not a hotel! Sorry - I know I'm just kind of fueling the fire, but jeez! I'm sure those visits really do take a lot out of you and are too much for your mother-in-law!

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