My mom is 78 and lives two hours away from me. She is able to get along on her own in the apartment but she needs transportation to go shopping, get a haircut, etc. She does take a car service or condo bus to her physician appointments. She insists that I keep coming once a week just to take her for a few groceries or a small errand. I find going once a week is not feasable for me - I am driving four hours for a small errand. I myself have health issues and work also. I have tried to talk to her about getting an assistant to come once a week to take her wherever she needs to go and I have offered to pay but she absolutely refuses. I could get there once or twice a month and when she had health issues I even went more often but at this point I cannot. Any suggestions appreciated.
I had a similar situation with my father who refuses to have anyone come in as a "caregiver". While I live in the area, and don't need to commute far to help him, it is still problematic for me to find the time and energy to help him with his errands.
What I did was make arrangements through the back door, so to speak. I wanted to make him think anything I set up was his own idea.
I achieved this by working with what I had in place and then finding help to make sure each day of the week was covered.
First, I asked a friend who had time and needed some extra cash if they could help. My father had already met this person and knew they were my friend. I had her call him to see if she could "stop by" to say hello. From that meeting they worked out a plan to have her come by twice a week. He has no idea I pay her and that I work with her behind his back.
The second thing I did was to contact the agency that we contracted with for caregivers. Together we concocted a plan for them to be a "driving service". I was lucky because they are being flexible and have been able to find people that will work for only a few hours one day a week. So, once a week when he has regular scheduled appointments he calls his "driving service" and arranges for a driver. He calls her "Miss Tuesday".
Lastly, I talked with this housecleaner who is a wonderful woman that he is comfortable with. If things are going on that require he has someone around, she can often find the time to give him extra time. Usually, she is just around the house doing extra work but she has driven him on errands when needed.
I hope this sparks some ideas for you. Good luck!
Hi Mindy -- I thought NinaD had some helpful suggestions, and I wanted to add a few points.
It sounds like your mother has other transportation options, but that she would be happier with a more personal arrangement. I think it's a great idea to try find a kind, friendly person -- perferably someone your mother knows -- to drive her on her errands, as NinaD did for her father. If your mother continues to resist this idea, you could offer to accompany her the first time or two to make sure she is comfortable. Your area agency on aging or senior center may have ideas and contacts for reliable drivers, if you don't already have someone in mind.
But I think you may want to consider the message behind your mother's request for transportation. While I have no way of knowing for sure, It sounds like she could be using the transportation issue as a way to obtain more of your time and attention. She may be feeling lonely and isolated, and if this is the case, she probably looks forward to your visits for more than the transportation they provide. If you think this may be the case, you can continue to visit as regularly as possible and call regularly; you can also suggest that she get more involved in her community. She could take classes at her local community college or senior center, for example, or participate in volunteer activities through the local school or place of worship.
Keep in touch and let us know how it goes. Thanks for contacting us!
Welcome, Mindy! I'm glad you've found us! 
Nina and Connie both have given excellent suggestions so there's not much more I can add, advice-wise. I can definitely empathize with you, though. My mom never learned to drive so I've always been her errand runner whenever my dad can't or won't help. I have it a little easier however, since I live in the same town as her. Between her errands and mine (especially with having two kids!), I sometimes feel as if I live in my car.
Definitely keep in touch and update us when you can. I wish you the best of luck!
Lisa
What all of this brings to mind is how we sometimes have to be tough with our parents, firm, which is so uncomfortable. It's also a delicate balance between sounding patronizing and diplomatic. So tough to get the right tone!
For your peace of mind, Mindy, you may simply need to say, 'I'm sorry mom, but I can't come as often as you'd like and I'm not going to let you go it alone. Here are three choices: in-home caregiver, asking friends and neighbors for help, or looking for a college student or teen. Pick one to try first, or I'll make the decision." Period.
As with many of life's hurdles, once we're on the other side we look back thinking that wasn't so bad. This could be the case with your mom. I certainly hope so, and good luck.
I agree with catherineann. Four hours is too far away to be feasible to visit very often. Even once a month is a lot if you have a family, a job, and/or other commitments. The message behind her message might be that she is ready to move, or that circumstances are dictating that she needs to move (if she doesn't go for the helper options, and perhaps even if she would). It's not fun for anyone but you can only bend over backwards so far before you fall over.
Receive the latest news and tips in your inbox