'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by Phia @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Phia — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:25:19 -0000

Oh yes, you must have time in your life for you as well as them. Even if you can allow yourself only a snippet of time to yourself, take it and don't give it up.

It is overwhelming especially with two parents in need but remember that they wouldn't want you to hurt yourself for them. For you to do your best for them, you have to not burn yourself out - you would be no use to them if you did and besides they love you and would hate to do that to you.

My father is very needy and has just moved in with me. This has somewhat turned everyone's life upside down. I was trying to get him to do all the 'right' things. Somethings he will do, some he won't, some he will do sometimes - keeps me guessing! :) But what I have learned in this is that I can't 'make' him do things. I can encourage and cajole but he still does get to make some decisions for himself, even if they are not seemingly in his best interest. For me to go against this dishonours him and drives me nuts.

Letting him make what seem to me to be unwise decisions is one of the hardest things I have ever done but it works better for both of us really. He needs that feeling of autonomy though he is far from independent and I need to have the responsibility to always have things perfect for him.

My brother is troublesome too. He means to help but when push comes to shove he just isn't able to. I was thinking that he just wouldn't help which infuriated me, and made me feel like I was abandoned by someone I thought would be with me through this. I have no idea why my brother can't step up and help but he doesn't. This isn't comfortable for him either so I am presuming that for some reason I can't fathom he can't help rather than won't. Now that I am not waiting for him to do anything at all, it takes the sting out of it a bit and I am not quite so off balance because I know not to rely on him regardless of his good intentions. It is sad but it is better than the mental meltdown of relying on someone who then doesn't help. If he ever does I will be grateful for that moment, the rest I don't have the energy to spare to get mad about. It just is what it is and he poor man can live with the guilt and the separation from his family.

I know you have a heap more going on for you than just the little things I have addressed, and I am not saying it is easy in any way but I am hoping that this helps a bit. You are clearly a very caring and thoughtful daughter who only wants the best for her parents but it doesn't mean you have to be perfect. Do what you can and get help where you can (I have no idea what might be available to you - would your local govt member be able to help with what services you might be able to access?- they would here) and know that you have done your best and that just has to be good enough.

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 03:50:31 -0000

Allow your dad to take care of your mom and give a number of hours per week known to them and to you in advance and stick to those hours. Set boundaries that you can live with and have a candid discussion with your father about his plans after mom has passed or vice versa if possible. The plan has to leave time for your life. Set boundaries now for you and for them and stick to them when the time comes as it has begun to consume you. Make them think now and you need to think as well. Don't believe you can do it all. A small portion is realistic and kind to you adn iot sounds like you are overwhelmed. Plan now for their future so they know the plan and accept it. Get professional help if needed.

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by kjohnson @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

kjohnson — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:04:41 -0000

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It certainly sounds like you are overwhelmed and what's worse, no end in sight!!

I think you should look into live-in care for your parents. Homecare Assistance offers qualified medical professionals to come take care of your family. They have franchises all across the country so I am sure there is one close to you!! Please check out the website www.homecareassistance.com

You've been doing this alone for too long. You need some help.

Best, Kathy

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by stsrkode @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

stsrkode — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:18:09 -0000

[URL="http://www.google.com"]click here to know more[/URL]

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by CatsandDogs @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

CatsandDogs — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 06:15:32 -0000

Thank you LauraL!! I will look into this some time tomorrow for I have an eye appointment at 10am. There's so much to my story that I didn't tell because it's so very confusing. Besides, it would take me forever and a day to tell it all and it's time that I don't have any more. I'm so scared!! I love my parents to the end of the earth and will do anything in this world for them but mom is so very depressed which just eats at my heart!! Nothing I do makes her smile except maybe when I first walk in the door. She's had to deal with vertigo since she had her stroke and nobody knows why. Mom took zoloft one time a few years ago but it gave her severe diarrhea the first week of taking it but continued in hopes it would stop and it did and after two weeks, she was feeling much better and didn't want to take zoloft anymore and fight the depression herself which she did greatly. She's not one to take medicine, she absolutely hates it but will IF it helps her. She won't take zoloft again because of the diarrhea. I've tried and tried but nope, she won't take it or even ask her doctor for it. She thinks she had a mini stroke a couple of weeks ago but wouldn't go to the hospital because being that she's worked in the medical field and knowing so many doctors and nurses, she believes there's nothing they can do. I've tried to tell her that she doesn't know how much technology has advanced since then but still, she will not budge. She's so afraid to be admitted again. I'm afraid of losing my mother and my father too. I know they both, mom and dad are on borrowed time meaning, they're both very sick and could die at any moment. Dad had a 5 way bypass in Dec 1990 and now four of the valves are clogged up. He has only one left and I've tried numerous times to get him to talk to the VA doctors about it and he hasn't. I want to scream! But instead I walk away wondering why! Why doesn't he listen to me? He wants to live but he won't get himself checked out either! Something else I should add, gosh there's so much to add but there's just not enough room or time to read it all. My mother had a stroke in April 2008, my husband's mother passed away in May the same year and his step dad passed away on New Years Eve of the same year. So needless to say, my husband is grieving, or actually hasn't had time to grieve and is becoming very bitter. When my parents moved, my nephew was engaged to be married and did marry this girl in April, three days before my mom had a stroke. My nephew wanted to buy my parents old place so my parents rented the house to him and his girlfriend and later wife till the end of the year when they could buy the place. My nephew's wife left him not even two months after the wedding! So my nephew couldn't afford to buy the house after all which left my parents with the monthly payments of 1200. I don't know the exact amount but it's close to that amount. My parents only make 1400. a month on Social Security! Imagine that! They've been trying to sell that house since then and haven't been able to and that's another reason for them not qualifying for help. Not the in home help for that paperwork never was filled out but other things. There's always an excuse why this company or organization couldn't help them. My parents had to get an interest only loan in order to make the monthly payments because they didn't want to ruin their perfect credit. They're honest people and want to stay that way. Who can blame them? They had to quit making the payments and all of the sudden, out of the woodwork, this lady shows up and loves the house and wants to buy it but can't right now so she wants to rent it for a year till she's able to buy it. Mom and dad agreed and the woman JUST moved in on Wednesday. There's more but I'll stop at this point for now and tell more later on. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks so much for the link and hugs!! I will keep in touch!! I promise!!

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:22:15 -0000

Hi CatsandDogs!

First, a great big HUG My goodness, this sounds so very, very stressful for you!

The whole health care thing for seniors does seem like a crazy maze sometimes, doesn't it?

Might I suggest a geriatric care manager? Here's some information on what that is and maybe you can find one who will have the right information for you at the right time: http://www.caring.com/questions/how-do-you-go-about-finding-a-geriatric-care-manager

Please let us know how you're doing!

~LauraL

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by CatsandDogs @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

CatsandDogs — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:40:09 -0000

I honestly don't know where to begin and I know this is going to be extremely long but it has to be in order to explain everything. It's a huge mess and I honestly need help for I don't know where to turn or what to do next. My mother had a brain stem stroke the 29th of April 2008 and almost died three times. She did not get the adequate care that she should have gotten however, with all of us being naive of the health care system, we didn't know what to fight for. She was suppose to receive therapy when she was diagnosed however, she did not. Even when she was transferred to a rehab center, she still did not receive therapy until my dad and I rose some stink and even then it was touch and go. It was an utter nightmare. Since then, she came home and had therapy there and was told that it would not cost her anything that her insurance (medicare) would pay for it all. Lo and behold, she received a bill from both therapists and has to make payments in which she or dad can not afford but do it somehow. She has fallen and broke a rib which has healed, fell again and broke her pelvis and was being rushed out of the hospital because they didn't have room for her which I blew up! I almost got arrested from blowing up on the nurses and doctors alike. I tried calling my mom's doctor and received no help but in the end, the did x-ray her and found her broken pelvis as well as the reason for her fall which was a severe kidney infection. She again, went home a few days later and then fell again and broke another rib which is healed as well. I have been doing all and now most of her house cleaning for neither dad or she can do it. I was doing all the grocery shopping and errands but now they do it when they can for they will not ask for help. Dad has a severe heart condition and diabetes. Mom is 72 and dad is 78. I have tried to find help with my brothers but they are 4 hours drive away and besides, we've argued over the phone and email that I don't speak to one of them because of the nasty remarks he's made. The other has apologized in which I have accepted but still, my heart hurts and can not trust to talk to him again without him blowing up on me. I've called for help in their home in which mom needed to answer a questionnaire which she has not and later on asked me about it which I told her that I was waiting for her and dad to answer the questionnaire so I can send it back and her comment was, oh yeah, I don't know where that paper went. I tried to get meals on wheels for them but they don't qualify because they both have a car/truck. We, my husband and I have made suggestions after suggestions and none are being heard. Sure, mom is always saying how she appreciates all we've done and continue to do but actions speak louder than words. I need help but where do I turn?! I've been to mom's church and nothing has happened because it's a low income community..... I've told my husband a couple of times when I thought I had lost it that I was going to commit myself in a mental institution if help doesn't arrive in some form and I'm serious because I'm so tired of trying to help them in so darned many ways whether it's physical or monetary. Please!! Anybody know which way I should go?

Recent Posts in 'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' | Caring.com

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by Phia @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by kjohnson @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by stsrkode @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by CatsandDogs @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'I'm alone dealing with my parents and scared out of my mind!' posted by CatsandDogs @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}