How to help a parent when their spouse dies?

Other than the loss of a child, the loss of a spouse is the next worse thing.  It can take from 2 to five years to return to a state of acceptance.   Going back to school for a teaching degree should help.  Evidently your Dad  and her children were the center of her life. Imagine, one day your Mom is a happy house wife and the next day she  wakes up and her husband is gone, her daughter is in college of getting ready to leave and her son is at the age where he will soon be off to college.  These are all loses for her. Very sorry for your loss.  I know you and your brother also miss your Dad but the lonely feelings, the issues. and responsibility are multiplied for your Mom.   Maybe some counceling would help your Mom.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your Mom's. Tell her about the Well Spouse Association online Forum, here: http://wellspouse.org/forums [wellspouse.org] There is a section on it for Former well spouses, whose ill spouses have passed on. Two-thirds of our members are under the age of 65, like your mom.

I am in a very similar situation. My family lost my mom nearly one year ago - she was 43 with CRPS. My dad is 53 and has his own health issues. He has a difficult time budgeting his own money, so I am his Payee for his disability payments. I make sure his bills are paid and give him an "allowance" each week. It seems to be working pretty well. My dad has started seeing a therapist and has just recently moved in with me. I am 23 myself with a 17 year old brother, so I know exactly how you feel. Just be supportive in anyway your mom needs. Try to help her find her happiness again. It takes some adjustments, but it can be done.

Jessy,

I would give the same advice for your Dad, as I did above for Anonymous... there are certain issues for parents who lose a spouse, that just cannot be discussed with their children, even adult children. Your father may have moved in with you for economic reasons, and to make it easier for you to help him, but be aware, you will not be able to help him with his emotional issues of grief for the loss of his partner... it's good that he's seeing a therapist. It might also help him to talk to others in his situation through the WSA Online Forum, http://wellspouse.org/forums [wellspouse.org] .

Hello, 

Grieving is exhausting for the body, physically and emotionally.... keeping up with exercise, good nutrition, and rest really helps people recover after losing a family member.  Take care of yourself, and encourage your mother to take care of herself too.....one thing you might do is take walks with her, go on a nonstrenuous hike, or other relaxing  exercise. It helps the mind as well as the body to be ready for new experiences.  

Dear Anonymous,

I agree with everything that has been suggested so far, but, would like to add a bit more to it, if I can. I believe that counseling is a great idea, but, if that's not a possibility, due to money issues or whatever, there are other avenues to look at. In most communities, there are bereavement groups for your mother that I think will help her immensely. Also, I would also suggest that you look at some of these groups for yourself to help you in your support of your mother. They certainly will have suggestions in how you can help her to become more independent and more able to take care of herself.

What you and your family have gone through is definitely devastating and I hope that one day, you all will find the peace you need to go on with life and to make the most of it that you can. My thoughts are with you.

My husband has been ill for a long time.  It has taken a toll on my only daughter and child.  She is a huge support for me and my husband but the responsibility weighs on her always.  I can't fool her with a brave face but she managed to finish college and has a good job.  Now she is married but always wants to help me when she can.  Encourage your mom to get out with friends, join a group or even a part time job she enjoys.  While you are away send her emails or call.  Gradually her outlook will improve. 

Are you anywhere near Campbell Hall,N.Y.? I will be a friend to your mom.

I can really relate to your situation. My father died at age 47 of cirrois of the liver. May of 2008. It has been now 1 yr and 4 months and my mother is not taking it so well. She had been married for 26 yrs and now she feels lost.She only knows how to be a mother and and a wife. I have one brother 23 who is now married living his own life. I feel so confused by what my place is here. I mean I am my mothers care taker since my Dad has passed I have had to take his place. I stop myself from having a social life because I see how sad she is and I dont want to leave her. I work full time and I go to school part time. I want to live my own life but I feel that I cant live mine when she is so miserable. I recently found out about a bearevement group I am hoping it will help her.

I being the widow read all these replies and agree with all of it. I do want to be able to say; I am sorry for all the pain that I cause my children. My oldest daughter local, she does more for me than any child should have to do for a parent, this was her step father but she has felt the care of a father. She grieves for me, gets angry with me for being non-motivated, not able to take care of my own budget, staying in my home for days at a time. I keep trying to get to counseling but it is one of those... I have not done it, why? I force myself out of bed some days and over do it. I also have medical issues that have been hampered, John died six days after my first back surgery... Too many things happened from New Years 2000 till his passing May 2004 and now here we are in 2009 and I still feel like it was yesterday. I want help, I need help, but I can't get my head around how to fix all of it. My oldest daughter from my husband was in a close proximity to his untimely death and feels had she known the right thing to do that she could have saved him, literally hours made a difference. She has closed up, won't talk about it and now as of June 2008 she has become angry with me and does not communicate with me AT ALL. Another loss. My youngest daughter carries a large amount of support on her shoulders. She is just now 20, she was 14 when this happened. She has saved me more times than I can count from faltering to death myself. She should not have to be carrying all of this either. I don't have answers to explain why I can't get past this? I know it is my decision to make... It is not so easy in my eyes or mind. It was my whole life that was lost. All I can say to my children? I am sorry for the things I am putting you through. I hope that someday I am able to move on, sooner rather than later. It is harder each time I try to get through parts of it because I lose another piece of the life that I had (my oldest with my deceased husband, my youngest is getting on with her life and does some avoiding because I am still so crushed by it all. My oldest daughter who is from another marriage is close to where I am and she is trying to help me as much as she can, but like I read? It is exhausting and confusing to say the least. This internal emotion that I feel is that not only have I lost my soulmate, I am losing my children in the process too. Yes it may be my decision to try and change my circumstances, but because I can't as quickly as some? I lose the rest of my family with it? THAT can make suicide an easier reality for some than people realize. I am not suicidal because I don't believe I will ever be able to find my soulmate in the future of life if I did. It is all so very hard. All I can say being the one who is causing all of this anxiety for my remaining children and family is "I am sorry for my situation and how it is affecting them" I don't know how to change it. I do, I take that back, but it is not so easy to find the answers with depression being so damn crushing on my own soul. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. JELUS My husband's initials & us it just fit back in 98 for vanity plates. Not Jealous but John E. L & Us :) I should let it go, but it is a sacred feeling I can not.

Dear Jelus:

You said: "I want help, I need help, but I can't get my head around how to fix all of it."

You really can't "fix all of it" by yourself. And while some members of your family are trying to help you fix it or get over it, IMHO they are really too close to you to help, because they too are upset at the loss of their stepfather.

I urge you to seek professional help, from a counselor/therapist, or in a grief support group. I have a friend whose son committed suicide 5 years ago, and who, after grieving for all that time, was helped by attending a grief support group.

The Well Spouse Association Online Forum, http://wellspouse.org/forums has a section in it for Former Well Spouses -- whose ill spouse has passed away. Check it out. I wish you the best.

I do believe that with every loss whether it is a break up or a death that people do need outside help other then their imediate family. I have dealing with my mothers depression for my whole life. I can remember being as small as 8 and talking my mother back into reality. She has been on medication for close to 7 yrs which it took almost 10 to get her to agree it was okay to take. Sometimes as daughter it is hard to realize that you cant fix your mother.Once my father passed it was close to impossible to get her to see life positive. I contacted Hospice in my city and they have great program for spouses and children that have lost someone. Their program is set up so that people that have lost a spouse can go to meeting and go on social events so that they can regroup and find a social life and talk to people who can relate to them. The problem with me is that I have been trying to be my mother social life because I love her so much but its draining and I cant live my own life. I do want to remain close but I cant grieve on my own for my father when I am trying to get her through hers. I recently in the last week have found her a job and signed her up for grieving counsling and groups. I really hope it can help her. She is an amazing person and its hurting to see her this way.

I know how you feel, my dad died two years ago of a heart attack, it was a huge suprise. My parents had been married for 42 years and were together for 45. She is really struggling, she doesnt want to go to counseling and is depressed. I think she is going through a phase where she is very angry, and I don't know what to do for her. I have made many suggestions to get her out of the house and am not having much luck. Like you I dont know what to do to help anymore. I am thinking of you!

It's a tough thing to deal with. My mother passed 90 days before my father who was inconsolable. And each person deals with the loss differently.

I've always believed in tough love. Think of it this way: life has ended for the one who has passed, but we have to continue. If we don't our lives fall apart.

Sometimes the best way to deal with it is to let that person know that you're going through the same thing. Loss is painful. I've never lost a spouse but I've witnessed it and it is heartbreaking. My parents were together 60 years. Dad tried to go on with his life, but I think he just decided to give up - his pain so profound in losing her that life had no meaning to him anymore.

She has you and you've been very supportive, maybe if she had to face the day alone, her strength would come if you asked her for help. Just a suggestion. Sometimes thinking about others brings you back to the living.

My mom and my sisters we lost my dad 6years ago. I'ts been so hard for us during the years.

Reading these blogs make me feel like I am not alone. My mom has currently decided to check herself in to a clinic to get health with her chronic depression. I feel awful and Im trying soooo hard to hold myself together. I keep reading all these articles about depression and how to deal with helping someone out of it. She has told me more then once that it would be easier just to let go and not live anymore. I dont think Ive ever been so afraid to hear anything come out of someone mouth. I know that she is safe right now and we have a long road to go. The doctors are talking about changing her medication. I am prepared to do whatever I can to be supportive but let them do their job. I really am praying last night was the first time Ive ever prayed to my father to help me get through this. I cant go through the loss of both of parents its way too hard to bear.

Being the parent that had to hold onto the daughter while I cried myself to sleep every night, thought about leaving to be with my husband. I now know what a blessing I have in my daughter. All that she was able to do for me was to keep telling me "WE are going to make it through this Mom" WE makes a whole lot of difference when she feels so alone right now. Making promises that you will not allow her to leave you alone without talking to you about it is important too. "Mom, I know it is hard for you now and believe me "We are going to have to work really hard at this" But I can't imagine living without both of my parents." Please promise me that you will be strong and ask for my help and holding on like I will hold onto you when I need it Mom. I don't know your age, but my girl was 14 when our lives was torn apart. She was hurting pretty bad herself, but just he fact that she would come to me, give me a hug, lay down beside me in my bed and lay with me, stroke my hair, tell me that "we" were going to make it through this, we will be alright were things that helped me believe that I may really have been able to make it through. Finally I had a dream where my husband was there in my dream (I probably had four or five of them) but this one was me following him through this muddy underground tunnel like we were looking for something, like I was trying to follow him. He then turned and looked at me and mental telepathy or something knowing he told me that if I chose to follow him down this road he would make sure that he was hidden on a different plain than I would ever be able to find him on because "There was no way he would allow me to leave our children with NO parent here to help them on their journey". I woke up the next morning realizing that suicide was not an option for me, no matter what. I had terrible times still after that, but I knew I was going to have to get through it differntly than leaving my children alone. John died in May of 2004, it is now November of 2009 and it has been about a month since I finally have had some closure in my life about that part of it. You get to a point that you realize you can no longer feel sorry for yourself and the only way to move on is to give a little. Quit feeling that sorry and start moving because you have to. I wish you the best honey, I wish I could take some of your pain away. After almost six years I still miss more than anyone can imagine, but I have come to the conclusion that I can go on now. Remember "We" is easier than you or me. My thoughts are for you and your Mother. Keep your belief that she and you together will get through this. Many times just hearing her tell me "We are gonna get through this Mom" made more tears flow but it was because I felt so fortunate that she was there for me. Now I have had to let go of some of the guilt of holding her so tight when I know she was in pain, but my need was her healing powers too. Love is important. Understanding is important. Anger will come too, but that part you can't do together with her. Let her be angry on her own and you stand aside and be neutral to that part. You have your own issues with that to deal with on your own time. Keep remembering "We are gonna get through this Mom, I promise" Best of Luck and find outside support as soon as she is accepting of it. There is widows support groups, Google it. You will find groups in your area for both you and her. It may not be right for you or her, but it is a start at moving forward. Baby Steps honey, baby steps.

I'm the primary caregiver to my mother whose spouse (my father) died while she was recovering from surgery. I can't tell you how miserable it is to care for someone who has such deep deep sorrow for herself. I completely understand the need for compassion to care for someone who has lost a loved one. However, LIFE MUST GO ON! Not just for the suffering, but for those that have to care for the suffering person.

With all do respect, we all suffer in some way in life, whether we're the victim of suffering or those related to the victim. I think we need to look at ourselves well, deep inside and ask ourselve what is stopping us from LIVING?

I live with anger because of all the stupid decisions my mother made about her life and for her life. Her decisions were so self-centered and careless, but yet I constantly pray to God for the grace to align my will with His, to carry my cross and obey His command to "honor my father and mother". The anger is my reality. It's not my mom's.

I've examined my conscience to find the root of my anger. There are a host of other vices within me that lingers, but they are mine. I know I too have the choice to change myself to make MY life better in the midst of my mother's sorrow and depression, BUT it works the other way around for the person who is suffering.

I have to be honest with myself and my mom. I do tell her to stop being so selfish and thinking only about herself. Dad has passed on and we have to think about the good in his passing on and that is that HE IS NO LONGER SUFFERING. Why should we continue to mourn and grieve for someone who is no longer suffering?

Think about your grief JELUS. Is it for the loss of a loved one or because you can't live your life the way you want it to be or use to be? Your depression is not only hurting you, but you already know it's hurting your family too. What do you want to leave behind for your children to remember you by? A sorry depressed individual or a fighter?

I say all this with much respect that you will choose LIFE for yourself and your family. You know what it takes to get out of your rut, you just need to make the firm decision to stick with a plan that will bring you and your family happiness.

No, it won't be easy, but even little baby steps are better than sulking and feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. You can't bring your loved one back and live your life the way it use to be, but you can write a different page, a different chapter in your LIFE that will give a happier meaning for your children. Your example of how you overcome this depression will plant the seeds of strength and virtue in your children and grandchildren far more fruitful than the seeds of depression and vices.

In the end, we all desire Heaven or peace. Far better that we show our children that the sufferings we face in life are meant to strengthen us and help us grow in virtue, than to show them that we just give up on life. Your children deserve you ALIVE and LIVING, not dead in depression.

Please forgive me. I hope you'll forgive me if I sound harsh. I don't mean to be harsh with my words. I just hope and pray you and my mother would choose to look at your life as a gift from God. That He has a great plan for you, even in the midst of your tragedy in life. Just to let you know, we all suffer in some way or another. You have been so blessed by such loving a caring family. They wouldn't be hurting so much if they didn't love so much. They need you now, but of strong mind, body and soul.

Please, please think and pray about the choices you are making about your life and how it is affecting others. You are still young and your life has so much to offer your family and our world. I hope and pray you will discern what you are called to do with your life. God be with you always.

Respectfully yours,

We just lost my father in January 2009. He was the strength of our family, our everything. I am an only child, and live 125 miles from my Mom. She is suffering horribly, but trying. I live on by the memories, the good times, realizing my life will never be the same. My 83 yr old mother lost a 61 yr marriage of a life partner. Sometimes we don't understand why they mourn so horribly, but we will only understand when we lose a partner who was our world, how lonely it would be. I support my Mom through all her phases of grief and just back off when I don't understand and be there for her, and support her. I will never regret it, and am here for her until either her or I pass on, knowing we will see my "Daddy" again! PATIENCE will be rewarded tenfold to not understanding something (losing a spouse) that we won't understand fully until we are in those shoes!

Its strange but I feel the same even though I have never been married or suffered the loss of a husband of my own. My heart goes out to anyone who looses anyone. Sometimes I look at my mom and I can see all the disapointments in her eyes. I have only been in a three year relationship and thought of just a minor break up could be easily upsetting. I cant imagine in 30 or 40 yrs what it would be like to loose him. I find alot of people loose patience with others tell them to move on and that their decist love one would want them to move on and though it might be true. I feel like it takes time for each indiviual to grasp the concept of what really happened to them. Its not just the death that affects us its that overtime we as indivuals forget how to function without eachother. I dont think we realize how much of an impact people have on our lives. I pray for each person who has suffered a loss and I also tell everyone not to rush yourself to get over things take small steps. You can not rush your mental health but also take care of yourself and eventually in time the pain is more bearable. I dont think the hurt goes away I just think eventually you wake up and see that you cant change life and what happens to other people you can only adjust to the changes. For all of the spouses that have lost their spouses I dont think you ever have to stop loving them you just have to re learn living without them. Take each day one step at a time. Dont be disapointed if you step back every once in a while. At the end of the day we are all human and we have feelings that we need to express.

I'm sorry me too, but you need to lighten up. Until you have lost a spouse you have no clue at all how it feels. It cannot be compared to losing a parent or a child. It cannot be compared to losing a pet. Each one is grief in it's own special manner.

And it's not about feeling sorry yourself. The grieving is more than just the loss of a spouse...it's the loss of the future you had, the plans you made together. All crushed and destroyed. And grief takes YEARS to get through. You come out the other side a whole different person that you were.

I am traveling that dark path right now having lost my spouse to malignant melanoma in October. I've suffered losses of family members before. I lost the grandparents who raised me like I was their own child. And I mourned that loss. But no losses before now EVER prepared me for the extreme grief I am experiencing at losing my spouse.

If you truly want to help stop being a "Don't Get It" and you need to stop telling her she is being selfish because I guarantee that is NOT helping...it will only serve to guilt her and that will drive her deeper into herself. If you really want to help do some searching online for ways to help those who are grieving. A great place to start reading is http://www.myspouseisdead.com/search/label/Don%27t%20Get%20Its.

In regard to Me Too's post above, and others who answered her... the best approach is to be positive. Urge your surviving spouse parent to get counseling, join a support group, and if at all possible, take up a new activity for themself, as a sign they are trying to move on with their life. Nothing will ever be the same after your spouse's death, but dwelling on it, or searching out reasons why you should or should not have committed errors of commission or omission cannot help. If the surviving spouse, or an adult child who's lost their parent or step-parent finds themself in this position, and feels anger about others in the family, then is the time to search out help for themself, to deal with those feelings.

My mother and father were married for 55 years. My father just passed away on 16 Dec 09. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on 3 Nov 09 and was given 9-15 months. Little did we know, we only had a very short 6 weeks left with him. It was devestating to lose him in such a short time, but my mother's existence was based around my father--that's just how she was brought up. He was self employed and they spent every day together. Now, it's hard to watch her emptiness--even though she still has us kids. My father was a strong man and we miss him terribly. I try to spend 3-6 hours each day with her to fill the emptiness and to help ease her loneliness, which helps some, but she has to deal with her grief that only she understands in her own way. I will always be here for her--no matter what! I don't feel the pain getting easier, but harder the more I miss him.

I lost my husband to colon cancer in 1993. My son was only 1 year old when my hubby was diagnosed and he fought it for 2 years. I still miss him very much. I go to therapy and I take an anti-depressant. We were best friends. My son is now 19, in college, and a good kid. Very proud of him and myself raising him for 17 years+ alone. I know what you are talking about with the pain of losing a spouse. He was my present, past and future. When he died I had to take extra deep breaths. I didn't know how I would live without him. My family is very supportive. My parents are still living and my father-in-law, who is 94. Now I find myself living in my parents basement helping to care for my father with alzheimers. My mom is totally worn out and dad is very confused. I think the care I gave my terminal husband helps me to care for my folks. I do believe everything happens for a reason. My hubby helped many people at his cancer center as he was fading away. The pain does get better through the years. He'll always be in my heart no matter what. Take care everyone - - we're not alone. J. Huxhold