I just had to share the conversation I had with my sister today about my father (he's 82, and getting pretty weak). It's about truly getting along. I'm so thankful.

Last night, Dad and I went to dinner where I encouraged him to not worry so much about my stepmother (she's mid 70's and not too happy about anything - ever). Dad is depressed, he wants to get out of dodge for a while. He used to love to swim in the ocean. His wife won't agree to go to Hawaii with him. She doesn't want to, and she doesn't want to stay home alone. I said, "if she doesn't want to go, let her stay home, but life's too short for you to stay home just because she wants to." SO...

This morning my sister and I are scheming how we can get on a plane with Dad to Hawaii - what the heck. Life's short (literally).. I only wish I could be sure he's got the money to go. And, I'm hopeful that my stepmother will actually be ok on her own. I'm pretty sure she'd be thrilled to be on her own for a bit. And Dad and his two daughters could have a great time!! How's that for getting along - every once in a while - you get lucky.. Hopefully.

What a great idea!!! A trip to Hawaii for just you, your sister and dad would be amazing!  Please come back and update us- I'm hoping things will fall into place for you as far as money, tickets,  your stepmother being okay with it, etc.

Lisa

Good luck Laurel!  I hope you two sisters do get to go to Hawaii with your Dad soon.  It is great that he wants to go there and that he is open to flying and traveling at 82 years old.  It's better that he travels now, before he gets more frail and you can all enjoy some family time!  I think he will cherish the trip with his daughters and have some very fond memories.  Like Lisa said...please update us.

For you out there going through caregiving for an elderly relative...how do you cope and how do you take care of yourself?  I did join a caregiver's support group almost a year ago, which has been helpful and interesting.  I still get stressed out, overwhelmed and unfortunately, I have feelings of anger and resentment by being put in this role.  My husband and I took his 87 year old mom in to our house 2 years ago.  Her husband and oldest son passed away and she could no longer live at home on her own.  She says she will starve herself to death before going in to a nursing home type place.  She takes a lot of pills...for depression and anxiety, plus others.  One of the most irritating things is that she is hard of hearing but won't get a hearing aid, therefore her TV is blasting from 7 AM to 10 PM.  I can hear her shows from my bedroom upstairs and cannot relax due to the constant loud TV volume.  My husband and I feel like prisoners in our own home!  We have not had a vacation in over 2 years because we can't leave her alone more than 1 night.  She moved here from out of state, no other relatives here in CA and my husband is her only immediate family relative left.  She is constantly negative due to her depression and is weak from a few falls.  Any ideas on how I can keep sane plus still have a happy life and marriage?

Kona,

We went to Best Buy and bought my dad some wireless headphones that work with the TV.  Now he can turn the TV up super loud, and only he can hear.

There are also services called respite care that you might find in your area that will care for your mother in law temorarily while you guys take a break. Here's a litte info in it.  And here's some more.  My heart goes out to you.

Thanks for your encouragement on the trip.  We are going to Hawaii this coming Saturday.  It's happening!  My sister and I can't wait to spend time with him (and each other).  We're all excited (and a anxious too).   Both of us are imagining we'll get him in the water - we're hopeful.  He used to love the ocean.

Thanks Laurel!  I'm glad things worked out for you to leave so soon!  Which island are you visiting?  I've been to Oahu, Maui, the big Island of Hawaii and Kaui.  (Kona is my Hawaiian name for my real name, Donna.  I'm not Hawaiian, but I love those islands and have visited there over 10 times.)

Thanks for your tips!  She was not open to wearing headphones before, but I think my husband will have to put his foot down and make her use it.  In fact, he uses his old headphones sometimes when he watches the big screen in the room next to hers.  It is hard for me to point out what I have to cope with due to his mom, because I try to be the patient and understanding wife.  I know it is hard for him, being her only relative left.  It could have been one of my parents, after all.  Somehow, the female has to do more with eldercare as I help her shower and since I do most of the cooking, cook her specific foods that she can eat.  She does not have teeth, does not like to wear her dentures, so she can only eat certain foods.  She only weighs 100 lbs. so we have to cook food she really likes.  My husband does a lot of the other housework including all the dishes and laundry, so I can't complain, but I find myself really missing the lifestyle that we had 3 years ago.  She is very stubborn and very set in her ways, which I hear is common for the elders.  It's real tough as most caregivers who are the children, come to realize. 

I did check in to outside caregivers, respite services and adult day care, but I need to re-visit that information.  We have a part time caregiver come in just for 4 hours a week.  Unfortunately, we can not afford more days and some of these other options.  We purchased a larger home 2+ years ago, to get a floor plan suitable for a more frail senior which resulted in a mortgage payment over 3 times the size of our prior one.  So, our funds are tight and we live in Northern CA where homes and cost of living are still high.  Her small social security check goes towards all her meds and helps pay our utilitiy bills.  She gets very cold and our PG & E bill can exceed $500 during the winter months.  But yet she makes a bit too much for some free senior services.  Okay...enough venting from me!

Laurel, have a great time in Hawaii!  Check the weather reports and bring layers.  Take a bunch of photos!  Ask the hotel or conceirge for some ideas for seniors.  Oahu has a lot of tourist attractions and you can ask for a wheelchair, should he get tired.  If he has a handicap placard, bring it.  Ask him if he would like to attend an authentic luau...the hotel can probably refer you to a good one.  They also have various tours via vans/shuttles.  I hope you can talk him into going to the beach and getting in or near the water.  It is beautiful there!  Aloha!!!

Welcome, Kona! I say vent anytime- that's what we're here for. I love your screen name, btw.

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with, having your mother in law living with you. Especially the TV volume- it must be maddening not being able to fully relax in your own home. I definitely agree with your husband just putting his foot down about the headphones- you have to grab any kind of sanity you can. When my mom was living with us, we didn't have the space to give her own room and TV.  She watched TV so much..especially the news channel and it the noise drove me crazy. I would be dying for some peace and quiet at night after my kids went to bed at night but instead, the TV would be on.

I'm glad to hear that you at least have a support group you can go to- is it local, like in your city? If so, I'd love to get the name of it to see if they have chapters in different cities.

Laurel- I'm SO excited that you are leaving for Hawaii this Saturday!! I got the chance to go to Oahu a couple of years ago and it was amazing.  It was sooo beautiful. I just know you and your sister are going to have a great time with your dad!

Hi Lisa!  Sorry for the delay...it has been very hectic at my job.  The caregiver's support group that I go to is a local one in San Jose, but it was started as a project for a lady who is getting her masters at a local university here.  She is currently a therapist and had parents in their 80s, so for her "project" she chose to start a caregiver's support group almost a year ago.  Her father passed away about 2 months ago, but she wanted to continue our group since the 4  of us had bonded so well.  We meet twice a month and it has helped me to vent in a small group of ladies that really understand what each other is going through.  Even though our scenarios are different, there are many similarities with the elders with varying health issues.  We laugh, cry (almost) and support each other...even congratulate each other when we have any success at all.  I know I'm lucky to have found this group and I hope it goes on for awhile...I know I'll need it!!  It has helped me make strides in the area of looking out for myself more instead of always prioritizing my mother-in-law's refills, requests and bouts with depression/anger/anxiety.  I have started to let her son do more...even if it takes him a longer time.  After all, I need to look out for my own parents who are in better shape, but none the less they are almost 80 and have some medical issues, too.  But they are not as stubborn or selfish and have better common sense than my in law.  I notice a big difference in attitude and everything, between almost 80 and 87, which is how old Agnes is at the end of this month.  I know what you mean about the TV volume...I think I'm going to have to insist on some changes soon with her wearing headphones or something!  I hope all is going well for you!!!

I would love to hear how your Hawaii trip was, Lolly ! I hope I get the chance to go back there someday...it's so beautiful !