My mother-in-law moved in with us about 7 years ago after being diagnosed with lung disease. We actually built her a separate 2 bdrm in-law guest house on our property. She was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and her health is declining. She is starting chemo and radiation this week. She has little strength or stamina and doesn't drive. I shop for her, provide meals, and a house cleaner comes in twice monthly. She has a very large family (9 children), none of which live close by -- and most of which have not made the effort to visit her in several years. We have had what seems to be an endless stream of visitors (strangers to me) over the past month and more are coming next month. These visitors stay at our house because a)My husband says they don't have money for a hotel, b)My husband feels they would put extra stress on his mother, and c)She doesn't really care for some of them. I work full time out of my home & my husband works full time as well. We are struggling to take care of her and the company -- and, frankly I am starting to resent the company a bit. I have been seeing a therapist and she suggested that if these visitors really wanted to help, why not have them stay with my mother-in-law (Mom has two bedrooms she is not using). At first that seemed odd to me, but then I thought -- why not? These family members have contributed no financial assistance to help-out, yet they do have time to visit --- so why not provide live-in support while they are here? My therapist said, "You are not here to provide a bed-and-breakfast for them." My husband thinks his Mom would not tolerate the live-in situation well, but they are her family after all! Am I being selfish about this?
Oh my, oh my, you have my sympathy. I am a DIL too and it's darned tricky. Also, I'm a bit of a neat-freak-introvert so having constant guests would definitely be tiring to me too.
A few things that might help:
- I would definitely have some rules of the road for visitors. You ARE under a bunch of stress and they should make sure to know that they should be helping you while they're there and not following standard visitor rules. (I'm currently recovering from an injury and, when people ask how they can help me, I always tell them to help my husband, the caregiver.) They should know this before they arrive. Your husband should want to help with this too - and it really should be in their expectations when they arrange to come. Don't leave it for you to feel grumpy about and have to bring up over the third meal you've cooked for everyone.
- I get the sense that you're super competent and not necessarily a big asker for help. It'll be easier if you have a grocery list all setup for your MIL. Laundry? Cook a meal?
- I am much more effective at communicating with my husband when I come from a place of really needing help (and not being angry) and asking him for suggestions. You are probably already doing this though.
- Lastly, if it helps, schedule a night out for yourself so you're just not there to do everything.
You definitely have my sympathy on this one.
Have you asked your mother-in-law how she feels? I have to assume that if these people are visiting her for several days, she's close to them. Does she want them to stay with her?
To answer your question, I don't think you're being selfish at all. Perhaps if you had said, "I refuse to host visitors at all" I would say perhaps you could reconsider with limits. But a constant stream of guests staying with you sounds like a nightmare to me.
If it's not feasible for these visitors to stay with your MIL, could you say "no more than once every 6 weeks" or whatever? Or "not for more than a long weekend at a time?" I've definitely said to visitors "these times work good for me. I'd love to see you at other times, but I can't host you in our home." I also work from home and sometimes the workload just doesn't accommodate having to entertain. Do not apologize for that.
Oh, I certainly think they should be helping her out while there. It's an opportunity for her to be with them, and for them to show that she is valued and loved, and takes the stress off you and your husband!
Thanks for your suggestion about limits. Two people stayed 9 days, another a week and we have two more coming next month who are staying a week. That's just too long, for both me and my MIL! Saying "OK", but with limits and some ground rules seems reasonable -- now, if I can just get my husband to see the light.
Holy moly! Are these people coming from a great distance away? A nine day stay isn't a visit. It's a vacation! You're not a hotel! Sorry - I know I'm just kind of fueling the fire, but jeez! I'm sure those visits really do take a lot out of you and are too much for your mother-in-law!
In my opinion, these visitors are taking advantage of your generous hospitality. I would place a limit on how long they stay and how many are allowed to visit. This is a great imposition to you and your husband should understand this.
Good luck.
Tea and empathy to you! I am a caregiver for my parents, and my mother has Alzheimer's. I have 8 sibs and 13 nieces and nephews, half of whom live hundreds of miles away. I live in a big enough home to have them visit, and am happy that they do, but it IS a lot of extra work. As the rest of the sibs are local, there is also always a lot of visiting back and forth among and between them, too. My husband (the SIL :/) often bridles at the already deficient lack of privacy, and the virtual upheaval of the household when the teeming hordes come to town. I will say, however, that all my sibs have done anything and everything I have asked of them and more--especially after I had two surgeries; my sisters rotated through for two months, and pretty much took care of EVERYTHING. They are still "guests" however, and entail a certain amount of preparation and logistics re-orientation. Also, I'm (sort of) back to normal, so the expectations will be as before, I think. We have, however, had a couple of realizations, and made some simple changes that help a great deal.
I don't make up the beds anymore. I put a pile of clean linens and towels on the bed, and just let them know that I didn't have time to do it myself.
I don't even try to shop ahead anymore for the extra groceries. Once they get here, I send them to the supermarket each day after we (together) make up a list.
I have asked that they let me know by noon if they will be here for dinner, so I can plan accordingly.
With one or two rare exceptions, I have asked them to rent cars at the airport--those pick-ups and drop-offs eat tons of time.
I always do the medical visits, but the sibs take my parents anywhere they want/need to go (library, haircuts, etc.)
The only problems I've had since we started doing this only involve my way vs. your way in dealing with things around the house when they are here to help. I usually defer, except on things that are a matter of principal. Only had one of those, and it was quickly resolved with effusive apologies from each of us to the other.
- And this one I find to be silly, and am embarassed to mention it, but we have TIVO, and once or twice a week, my husband and I each or both have something recording that we want to see. Sibs are often junkies of other "can't miss this" shows, and we are not a "multiple TV set" household, except for my parents set, and NOBODY in right mind interferes with that. I tend to cave to the sibs on this one, and it aggravates my husband no end. Oh, well. Can't get it ALL right!
Life is easier now. Good luck with yours!
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