Family not helping with mom.

Hi anonymous! This happens to be a topic right here: Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?

I'm sorry the load seems to be on your shoulders! Would it be possible for you to write out all that needs doing and have a meeting and talk out ways to share the responsibilities?

Good luck to you, and we're here for you to vent! 

There is no talking to them,it's hard to get a word in, all they want to do is argue!

I'm sorry that your siblings are not what you need them to be for you or your Mother. If you have Power of Attorney, for your Moms general care - medical and financial then there is no problem with keeping them at bay. Change the locks on the doors, sell or rent the house. Look into services (Respite Care)that will come into your home like Home Helpers or Visiting Angels for 3 hours a week to give you a break. There are GOOD nursing homes that have locks/alarms at the entry for residents that are still able and have Alzheimer’s, We always have a choice, remember that thought. It's only our choices that are limited sometimes. Your siblings will not change, and you cannot change them. If you really desire to protect Mom from the siblings, reduce the stress, and spend quality time with your Mom, you can find a way. I know this may sound harsh, but you cannot give up on your own abilities and power over your life. If you do - you are of no use to your Mom like you desire to be. If you spend the Mom's money caring for Mom, that's what it's for - so what if the siblings don't inherit anything. This is what I would do - just thought I'd share my view with you.

Why are these flagged as inappropriate?  I found them helpful.

The "flag as inappropriate" just gives readers the chance to weigh in on the post, it's not a judgement of the post. I think it's feedback for caring.com not for us.

Daylily is right. You can exhaust yourself trying to change other people, and it won't change them anyway. I had a meltdown recently on my siblings over their lack of assistance with caregiving for my parents.  It taught me it serves to help you ventilate but won't change anybody.  So I'm working on changing my perspective: accepting what I can't change, being realistic about what I can do, committing to doing what I am able, and finding other sources of energy and help. 

 Your siblings feel guilty for not doing more, and this is how they act it out.  I see it all the time in my elder care practice.  

Write down a list of everything you do and send it to all of your siblings.  Tell them you need help with any of the following chores and it would be a constructive way to participate.  Remind them that they are teaching their children how to care for a family member by example, and that means them when they are old.  

It is important that this be in writing.  Also keep track of your time spent caring for you parent.  It is completely acceptable to be paid for your time.  I know you are not doing this for the money, but you are hindering your money-making abilities by doing your duty, and theirs as well.

Christine Axsmith, Esq.

www.Axsmith.net

I went had the same problem with my 6 siblings and they will not change and you need all your energy to care for your mom not worry about them.  I accepted the fact that I could not change them or their hearts, and let it go, turned all my focus on my mom and finding helpful resources to cope, like this one.  Just remember that your mom is the most important person and you are doing the best that you can. 

I worked with a young man who took on his father with altimzers , and his whole familey wanted to walk away from all the work and his father greaved each day but we made the best of the anger and talk , I wasnt his familey but Mr.Troy loved me as a part of it then in the end i felt he helped me as much as i did him keeping temper down is hard, now that my mom has the same problem but me and my sister are using our heads and talking more than ever , mothet tries to plays us but we keep one step ahead but never easy even with my past with other altemixers pacticents each one is like your sibblings they need a day with the resondibilties you know it would be eaiser if they did it so take a day for you and leave your phone on off even if it to go to the park or church you need time for you to , iv been ther too so love yourself and have the know it all take a day or more to help and observe real life with mom. God bless you and keep the faith.

I  am  sorry to know people are facing problems with medically ill family members.

I like many of  other am experiencing hard time coping with my mom having alzheimer's.

I am the youngest of my mom 6 children they have not been there for me and mother.

I am mother's caregiver and I had to place her in a Nursing Home I live in a Big city apartment

 was it hard to bring mother here and see her condition had gotten worse. My mother live in the

south before coming to live with me she love it there . Mother becoming ill  still breaks my heart

but having sibblings dealing with her illness as if it's no big deal has cause me to change

how I talk and feel about them. Mother is the eldest of all 11 sibblings  familiy use to me everything to her and use all of her children felt the same but now I realize I don't know them. 

Well you could threaten them with death or bodily harm:) Or use mace or pepper spray or you could get a restraining order also warrantless recording devices without the main person's knowledge or consent is usually illegal and also what they are doing is harrassment and you could sue them and probably get some money but lawsuits take a long time to win and cost alot of money. Your best bet is contacting the authorities and telling them what is going on in your mum's house and they can be charged with elder abuse that can get them arrested or at least jailed for a while or harrassment which is also illegal and unautherized recording devices without a warrantis a big no no. Also talk to a reporter as well people do not want a reputation as an elder abuser or a liar publically. It's more damaging than suing and less expensive have fun. I'd say your best bet is talk to your sherrif or anyone who can send burly young men who will warn them to stop and tell them what they can be charged with if they do not comply and stop harrassing you and mum.

I have taken care of my mother for two years with no help from any siblings other than one sister. Before Christmas I asked my sister to help me with my mom for a while while I went to work back in the office. She was given land from my mother for the intention of taking care of her when she got old. When she had to have three toes cut off two years ago I took my mother and my sister did nothing, not even take her to the doc visits.

So, I had an attorney come in and talk with my mother about a living will, power of attorney, and a Living Trust/Will. Because my sister had already gotten two pieces of land, and took 650 feet of road frontage out of 1,000 my mother was informed that it was worth over 500,000, so she gave my other siblings the rest of her land, 53 acres to be divided between us.

My sister took my mom January 2nd and within two days had my mother turned against me telling me that I spent too much money on food and that she could be fed on 50 a week. Well, she is a diabetic and I cooked for her nearly seven days a week and my sister does not cook.

Last year my mother's doctor told me she thought my mother was showing signs of dementia because of her paranoid, anger issues, conspiracy theories against drug companies, government, etc.

Within a week my sister had taken my mother to have her POA revoked against me and now is trying to keep me from my mother. She made it look like I was spending too much money on food and that I had to be giving the food away or something; I really don't know.

My question is; is my sister allowed to have a poa changed if she has been diagnosed with dementia!?

Thank you.

You need to seek help from an attorney who is certified Elder Law attorney. It sounds like your sister has coerced your mother and much more to come. It can be disputed in court.

TO YOU NON CARE GIVING SIBLINGS:

i AM NOT A PARTICULAR REGILIOUS PERSON BUT GOD HAD A REASON TO MAKE THE COMMANDMENT TO HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER THE MOST IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS BETWEEN HUMAN BEINGS.

I AM NOT A MINISTER BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO AMIBIGUITY HERE. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN YOUR MOM'S CARE. YOU SHOULD BE FREQUENTLY VISITING YOUR PARENTS TO GIVE THEM COMFORT AND SUPPORT.

YOU SHOULD BE SO DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN YOUR PARENTS CARE THAT YOU COULD TAKE OVER IN A HEART BEAT.

YOU NEED TO PROVIDE ASSISTANCE AND HELP TO YOUR CARE GIVING SIBLINGS. STOP MAKING EXCUSES, MAKE YOUR MOM AND DAD YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY AND THEN IT WILL BE DONE.

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR WAYS, DEVOTE YOUR TIME AND ENERGY TO HELPING YOUR PARENTS AND YOUR SIBLINGS WHO DO CARE FOR YOUR PARENTS, YOUR WELL DESERVED GUILT WILL FADE AWAY YOU WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER AND AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF.

IT IS VERY SIMPLE.

IF YOUR ONLY THOUGHT IS WHAT MONEY YOU WILL RECEIVE THAN YOU HAVE BECOME A PARASITE. WAKE UP, GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND MAKE YOUR OWN WAY IN LIFE. YOUR PARENTS RAISED YOU AND NOW ARE TOO WEAK TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

WHEN YOU GROW UP AND TAKE ON THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MOM AND DAD YOU GROW UP AND BECOME AND MORE MATURE THOUGHTFUL AND HAPPIER PERSON.

I am in quite the opposite boat.My siblings are keeping me from helping my mom.I am the black sheep daughter .I am seven years recovering from drugs and alcohol and my mom had a massive stroke last month.I have been told that I am not needed and they will keep me "posted" about my mom's condition.Middle arterial stroke,might not even get to see my mom again for fear of pissing off the family.I have been clean going on seven years and have turned my life completely around but the family showed their true colors when my mom had her stroke.I do know her and I made amends before this happened and this is not about me.I just wish my brothers and my dad would realize how much I actually could help and that there are things about my mom that only I know.Like,maybe a spray of her favorite perfume might be appreciated,or the feel of her soft blanket that her own mother knitted her may light up her eyes.I am so sad. I am also the only kid able to fully devote years to helping my mom,but that is something the family will not allow.

yep!!

Your mother is not competent at this stage, so the changed documents are not valid. Fill out a petition for guardianship at the local courthouse. Ask that an Examiner be appointed, who is an independent party who will evaluate your mother's competency. If it is found she is not competent, then the new POA, living will, etc will not be valid. It's not as imposing as it sounds. Call the local AARP Legal Counsel for the Elderly and ask questions about the local jurisdiction.

Christine Axsmith, Esq.

have two older bothers one over 1400 miles away . I am baby girl have take care of my mom sence dad past away in 2002 my oldest brother come down and took power of attorney away for her then I started watching the count and they took money out of her account I had to take back to the lawyer and have put back in her hands because at that time she was at her self now dementia has set in I takeher to all medical app I had all bill take straight from bank I go get her food & med , my self& my hubby does all repair to house and cuts the grass tak es care her my oldest brother says put in a home I told over my dead body my middle brother he bi polar a nd does nothing but he moves his girlfriend family on mom land and he won't take the trash out mom liked to fell out in the yard take ing the trash to the road I was go to store to get her food her new dementia med's I also take my three grandchildern five day a week plus my wifely duties I feel like I going crazy an advice I try any thing for a peace of mind