Family Counseling: Does it Help?

hi connie,

my husband and i relocated back to the state's in november 2008 to care for my father who suffered a stroke due to a posterior cerebral aneurysm.  when we decided to pack up our home and have my husband quit is job we were never anticipating what was about to unfold before.  we have been attacked for every decision that we've made and accused that the only reason we are doing this is for personal financial gain.  the unfortunate part is my father is very much in debt and we had to apply for medicaid to help pay for his care and needed therapy.  i've had to stop my career to take care of my father, and my husband had to try and find work during very difficult economic times.

we have tried pretty much everything under the sun to calm the fears and concerns of everyone involved to no avail.  it seems that when you take on the role of caregiver you also somehow take on several others, mediator, informant and the human punching bag.  with a psychology background i dismissed everyone's behavior as their way of coping, from shock to denial and then anger.  no one will express these emotions to my father, thank god!  unfortunately my husband and i have become the daily scapegoats for everyone's attacks, from insulting emails to voicemails, for nearly 9 months.  my father's stroke happened the beginning of september.

we wish we could find a resolve because the more time we spend putting out these little fires the less time we spend and focus on the next crucial step in my father's recovery.  which is going very well and we are confident he will recover enough to walk again.  he is only 55 and has his whole life ahead of him.

the only thing that seems to work is to continue moving forward and not taking your eye off the main goal.  no matter how much we try to change and appease everyone else we are always doing something to upset another.  we are both in our early thirties, and we took on this responsibility within the first year of our marriage.  i'm very lucky and fortunate to have such a wonderful and supporting husband who understands as my love and commitment to my father as his only child.

First I want you to know that you are doing the right thing. Your father is a fortunate man to have a daughter who is willing to care for him. As far as your experiences with friends, family etc. I would do what you are doing, understand. Some of it is their coping mechanism, to acuse others because they may be feeling guilty, for what, only they may know...However sence you are an only child you are the one that is resposible for whatever is needed, they need to be told in a calm and straight forward way that you will be responsible for your decisions whether they be right or wrong. But your intentions are to do what is best for your father in as many areas that he need to be cared for. I too am an only child, and have experienced some of this with my mother who is 86 and has dementia. She has enouph money to care for herself financially, and I am seeing that she is taken care of daily in a very good assited living community...They think my close attention to her and to her care is that I want to be sure I receive her money. What they don't know and have not been told is it has all been left to a charity. And it is alright with me. I am repaying her for the care I received as a child. Not for any financial gain.