Gosh, is this a hot-button item for me. I feel very unappreciated by my siblings, who act like it's my job to do everything for our father, who lives nearest to me.  I can't count the number of times one of my siblings has dropped by to visit with him, then called me and said "I think Dad needs that leg looked at" or "Dad seems bored, can't you get him out more often?" Why don't THEY make a doctor's appointment for him and take him, or take him out for dinner or to a movie if they think he's lonely? No one says thank you for all I do for him, which is a lot.

YES! Yes, I do. Not by everyone, but by the person who matters the most: my co-caregiver, aka my mom. She's the one who not only thanks me privately, and makes an effort to show me how thankful she is with words and gestures, but makes sure to insert into any conversation about her own caregiving how helpful I am to both her and my grandmother. Even though she hates confrontation, she's told my uncle (her brother, my grandmother's son) that he needs to acknowledge me as a full-fledged member of the team, and has encouraged him (with great results, I must admit) to take my workload for my grandma into account when considering things like birthday or Chanukah presents. She also, and this goes back to privately thanking me, acknowledges when we're alone that while my uncle does lots--and he does!--dealing with a lot of the official stuff for my grandma, I do a huge amount of the day-to-day stuff...and she knows that my uncle doesn't realize it. I would say that the fact that my mom is so appreciative of my efforts enables me to be a better caregiver, because the jolt I get from knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks I'm helping helps counteract the burnout that all caregivers sometimes feel.

(As for the person I care for--my grandma--she goes between thanking me profusely for helping her in so many ways, and telling me that she doesn't need either me or my mother to assist her in any way, and she wishes we'd leave her alone. So I choose to ignore any opinions she ever has on the topic. ;-))

 I never get a thank you from my siblings.  They will comment how well my parents are doing but never acknowledge the sacrifice I give to make sure my parent are taken care of.  You know it's ok that they don't acknowledge the time and energy but I do get angry when these grown ups won't thank my 10 and 11 year old for all the things they do for their grandparents.  I have a boyfriend that does more for my parents than my own siblings. I know you can't make people do anything but sometimes I wonder where is the love that children are suppose to have for their parents

Anonymous, please believe me, I TOTALLY understand your frustration with your siblings (heck, it's nearly impossible to get my uncle to "find time" to see his own mother, while my friends are lined up around the block "in case you need a grandma-sitter"). But I'd like to suggest--from my own experience--that you at least TRY to take a step back, and ask whether your siblings' inattentiveness is because they REALLY don't love your parents, or because...well, I was going to say maybe because they can't deal with it, but even if it's because they're just jerks. I mean, I've KNOWN someone who really actually didn't care about his mom at all, and that's one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. I don't know you or your siblings, but the way you talk about them ("They will comment how well my parents are doing"), I bet they really do love your folks. They just suck at taking that to the next level of "I should help them. Or be really grateful to the sibling who IS helping them." So maybe letting go of just that one idea--that they don't care--and replacing it with something else (even if it's "They're rude and self-centered and I wish they'd ACKNOWLEDGE my kids' sacrifices!") might help you be able to deal with them better...because unfortunately, you're right: sometimes you just can't change people. (Again, I know this from experience: I have to REMIND myself that my uncle really does love my grandma, and that he's just emotionally clueless...which he is, and has been his whole life.)

That said...as long as you either acknowledge to yourself that deep down, your siblings really do care, or spend enough time considering it to decide that they really DON'T...I see nothing wrong with hanging a dartboard up (AWAY from your parents' view, if you please!) with a picture of your sibs taped to it. :-D (Hey, you have to get the--not unjustified--anger out somehow, and that seems better than blowing up at them, especially in front of your parents, or even kids.)

I had some time with my mom before her stroke but since then she has steadily gone downhill and recently was placed in a nursing home. While I know it needed to be done as she was not safe at home my family was unsupportive and wanted me to be the bad guy.  Since then my mother has been more abusive and demanding then ever, and my sister who lives out of town frequently calls and lets me know what a chore it is for her to talk to mom.  I so need a respite from caretaking but my sister never will find the time, I need reassurance that my feeling are justified and while I have to take care of my mom, I will and do not put up with BS from my family.

 jls53

If you know at the end of the day you have done the best you can for your mom that is all you can do.  It seems crazy for me to tell you this because just months ago I was feeling exactly the way you do now.  My sibling left EVERTHING for me to do. I couldn't understand why they would not take an active roll in helping caring for my parent.  I still don't  know why and can't  spending anymore time or energy trying to fiqure them out.  Eventhough it is very difficult caring for my parent I now see the blessing and priviledge of taking on such responsibility even if it was kind on thrown on me. What keeps me going is there is no way I would want any of my sibling taking care of our parent knowing the attitude and lack of support they have shown I know the best place for my parent is with me and when I can no longer care for them I will be able to put them in a nursing home with peace.

I'm trying to get to where you are regarding putting up with the BS. I don't want to upset my parents when my sibling upset me. I know it not healthy for me to   be so angry but they make me sick. The hardest part of all of this for now is dealing with my siblings.  I know time on this earth is precious I just want to do what I can for my parent and put of the other crap to the side.

Unfortunately not at all, not by my sibblings or my parents.  (I take care of mom and dad, mom bedridden, dad ok, just mild dementia and stressed from caretaking...) It seems that since I got lots of help financially from my parents over the years of single parenting, I just deserve to fo this, and while I have enjoyed care-taking I do mind the abuse and the assumption that It is ok to treat people like crap cuz they are family, I was the one who got  financial support over the years...    I thought we were closer than that and that money would never be a big issue.  (everyone in the family is comfortable or well off)

I have learned not to take my dads craziness personal, of course sometimes it gets to me, he digs deep! ;0)  Lately my mom has taken to yelling and being nasty, and I am mad!  Hurt, mad and so frustrated!  I will let myself be mad at them too!  I will like them again one day, right now Im just pissed that they can treat people trying to help them so disrespectully, nasty and just plain ungrateful...  Makes the job really difficult.

 I find with my situation family member don't communicate there feelings and when something happen everything just explodes.  Have you tried talking to both your parent about the way the talk and treat you.  Maybe if you let them know how this hurts you when you are only trying to do the best you can, they will be a little more understanding and not so quick to say and do thing to upset you.  You didn"t say how long you have been your parent caregiver, but if it has been a short time maybe you need to give yourself and your parent some time to adjust to things.  Maybe suggest to your other sibling sharing the responsibility of caring for your parent on the weekend so you can have some much needed me time.  I'm learning it's ok to be mad, situation and circumstance that come up make you feel angry and you have to let it out so you can let it go.

THANKS for your response,  I have been taking care of my parents for a year adn half so we have adjusted... We go thur stages I guess.    I dont let it get to me most of the time... the times we have issues is when I respond, stand up for myself or get mad, emotions are just not acceptable to them.  Its weird, they seem to know they are ungrateful, my mom told me her dad used to call her an 'ingrate'... I believe I need to develope a  thicker skin, they arent going to change... If I allow myself to be mad,  and vent it avoids those explosions.  I have talked to them, mom says she will try, I dont think she remembers how she acts.  My dad seems to have alot of anger, directs it at me, my mom can be sucked into his emotional baggage.  He is becoming more forgettful, even leaning towards dementia daily.  Its scary sometimes... 

I think maybe his anger is at himself, or ?  Im just handy.  The victum role doesnt suit me, I understand my issues, his issues, yet I get burned out, frustrated, or have days (sometimes several)  when I am just so fed up I want to run away!! 

  Sibblings sharing is out of the question, they want no part of the 'crazimaking' as they call it... My dad is known in the family for his manipulations, control issues.   My brothers have escaped, and refuse to help in any way.  (Once again the money thing comes into play.??  I just hate to think thats why yet?? )  I have called them many times asking for help, they just tell me to leave, let dad fall on his face.  I may have to when mom passes, dad is mobil and maybe they will be forced to help if I back out???  They visit yet, they will not help with mom... she wont help herself, (drink water, do any PT)  so they just wont participate... Like I said lots of time I dont want to , yet I just cant walk away either...

My  biggest challenge is learning / knowing how to take care of myself so I know get burned out and frustrated.  You know self care.. the big challenge for many of us care-takers!?  ;-0)    When I keep my spriitual practice in place (journal,  exercise, ???)  I dont become such an emotional neophite... just gotta keep that up, and I dont, get depressed blah blah...  I am very open to ideas for how care-takers rejuvinate do self care... and of course other feedback to keep myself going... Even the nurses who come help 2xweek   (Thank you GOD!!!)  have said they see that ''there is no pleasing them,'' - especially dad... I try to work on what I can control; myself...

Thanks again for your kind words and time... I look forward to every response!!

kjw

I must say, I am glad I found this  site and  Missy thank you for  opening this up. I was a single parent for 19 years raised my daughter she got married and is doing well.  Then meanwhile in 2004 my father died , my brother handled everythig wit my sister and left me out . They are twind and always have done everything together. Ok I got over that, then my sister moved to VA. My brother lives in PA and I lived in Nj close to my mother and grandmother  they lived together.  Until my mom got sick , in Dec 2006  she died  on Jan 16 th 2007  my grandmother had her older sister living here with her until my mom came home from the hospital  but that never happened, this time my  mither left me and my dsughter everything because we had nothing and we always  i mean always spent time with my mother and took care of her.  Anyway I went with my mothers other brother and sisters to tell my gram the news that  my mother died , now my gram had to burry  her son and her husband prior to  my mothers death , anyway she didnt take the news well so then she saw me in the distance  and she knew her kids lives were way too busy to have her in their home and  also some of their homes would need adjustments to make it easier for her to enter and exit.  well she knew she was going to go into a home so she asked me could she stay here in this condo my mother owned  I said yes  because I was on the spot and she was crying  what else could I do.  But I had no idea her sister also would stsy ..... to my surprise,  so my gram who was 88 when I moved here and my aunt who was grams sister who was 97  stayed as well.  I had my hands full  for the first year then my aunt started to fall she could not be here alone anymore and her niece who was my aunts power of atorney would not pay for care during the hours i worked and  i was changing jobs and needed answers fast so i had to put her in a home where she has gone down hill ever since, guilt  yes  I have alot of that however not to mention my cousin took m,y aunts 40,000 dollars which could have easily  paid for care during the day while i worked. So I haver my gram left here with me.  Funny her kids are all comfortable and one is close to millionare  yes very true, but yet they expect me to pay 1/2 of all the bills and still do all the work myself  clean cook, laundry  doct. ect.... i have to spend most of the time in the bedroom because my gram controls and rules the tv  and its only a one bedroom so we have to sleep together i tried the couch but my bacj is so bad.  anyway  the house could use some freshness like paint ect...  nobody will help.   they  bring pizza or chinese food for my gram  every 2 or 3 weeks  one of her kids  anyway  and the one also takes her to diner  sometimes once a month, but this aunt  her husband dont like me  so they never bring me dinner or ask me to go out with them  yet there is a neighbor upstairs an older lady they take her once in awhile   amazing..... I also have another aunt who brings my grsm food but never  for me....... I dont get it they act like they are doing me a favor with her here   NOOOOO      I feel like I am doing them one she is safe heaklthy and happy while they all go on cruises  trips and vacations  a few times a year but i have been knowwhere but LBI in NJ  the beach   about 5 years ago.  wow.   One aunt claims she appreciated me but the others hmmmmmmmm  i doubt it  they think they are heloing me , i cant have friends  over there is no privacy  no intimacy there is only her bed  thats not happening,  what do I do , i  dont want her to think i dont want her  and i dont  want her to go into a home  i worked in so many of them  none of them are as good as home...  at least not until she physically  or mentally has to go  so what can i do they all said  this is on me they just dont have the time to do what i do  yet i do it and work...mmmm dont have  or they dont want to be tied down, yet my grandmother raised 6 kids there are 4 left and they cant take care of one mother  how sad  and like i said they are all very well  todo and my gram wants to make sure  they get what ever money she has left rather than say  thank you  to me for  letting her and her sister be here  and now just her  they could at least pay the condo off there is only 58 thousand left....... but no    i wish my mither was still here  its ashame they dont appreciate  every breathe she takes.  I love my gram but i need help not to burn out   any suggestions.

Thank you

Boy, you are sure going thru it.  I can totally understand how you feel.  My dad gives my sibling and nieces money big money all the time knowing they can't pay him back, but I ask for a loan and want to know the payment plan. Anyway you have to look out for yourself first.  If something happen to you they would have to step up to the plate whether putting your grams in a home or taking her to their home either way what I'm saying is you and I and so many other caregivers are taken for granted. I know you love your grams "you can here it in the words you wrote, so maybe you can sit down with her and explain how you feel and ask her for whatever it is you may need or want.  She has to know you are the only one thats taking care of her.  Does she have her affair taken care of will, power of attorney etc.  I know you don't expect to paid for the love and care you give to your gram but reality is knowing the way your aunt and uncle treat you now how do you thing they are going to treat you if  something happen to her.  Also check with you local Office of Aging and Medicaid for financial assistance for caregiver. It may be called something else in you city but please check it out. The Lord will and already has blessed you for doing this don't blame you aunt and uncle because they don't see the beauty and the blessing of caring for their mother

I choose to remain discreet here, I'm a caregiver coming from a christian background and at times i feel i'm not appreciated in the work i do at the clients home. Here's an example the client badgers me in someone elses laundry in their home and the family in the home leaves dishes for me to clean the next working day and do not wipe the counter top or stove after cooking for that evening do not wipe or mop the floor after spills this is an everyday event so what shall i do as a saint of god? I was even helpful buying cleaning supplies due to the fact the family didn't have the time to buy what i needed because i listen to the cries of my client she didn't have much money due to her great-granddaughter stealing from her so i felt sorry for the situation and help a little in the financial department and i ball-out for just for being concern in helping. So any advice for a young woman like me?