Dealing with siblings after a parents' passing

I think you have to ask yourself what you're trying to get out of addressing this with a sibling.  Are you looking for an apology?  Are you looking for your sibling to change his/her actions the next time such a situation rolls around?  Or are you looking to just get it off your chest?

I know this may not feel so good, but if you're just looking to let them know how disappointed you are, I'm not sure it's worth all of the emotional drain that will go along with the actual confrontation and conversation that will very likely result. 

If you're looking for a change in action, maybe choose a time when things settle down and the tension has diminshed.  Let your sibling know how much you really wished you had more help and how you know your mom would have enjoyed more time with him, theoretically speaking, of course.  Maybe say something like, "I'm telling you this because I'm hoping, should we find ourselves in this same situation with dad in a few years, that you'll consider being around a bit more.  It would be so appreciated."

I hope that helped and I'm sorry for your loss.  When my grandmother passed, my aunts didn't speak for close to a year.  They were both so resentful that the other didn't do enough when in reality they both carried a huge, but different, weight of caring for their mother.  In the meantime, a year was lost with each other and nobody is getting younger.  I'll bet if they could go back in time, they would've chosen to let by-gones be by-gones and enjoyed each other even though they were so angry while it was going on.

Missy makes a great point in urging you to "look within," as Dr. Phil used to say, and ask yourself honestly what you hope to gain by calling your sibling on what you feel was the wrongful, hurtful, or deficient behavior.

In some cases, the answer can be rather painful. Some people in your position found they just wanted to underscore that they were The Good Child or that they sacrificed the most time off work or with family to be at the hospital during mealtimes.

And it may well be impossible to let bygones be bygones while your emotions are still at a fever pitch from dealing with your parent's death.

What might be most important is what feels most difficult: Approach your sibling with compassion, realizing that he or she also suffered a loss and is mourning -- and also had a unique relationship with your parent.

Let some time go by for both of you to heal, but then at least try to have a heart-to-heart with your sibling to discuss it all. Suggest a walk together -- or schedule a phone conversation if you live in different parts of the country. Talking about your feelings is usually better than writing about them in an email or letter, which can too easily be misinterpreted. But trust your instincts if you think writing may be a better route.

Suspend your judgment. You might be surprised to learn, for example, that while you bore the brunt of responsibility for hospice care, your brother took care of the taxes for the last 20 years. Or maybe your sister's biggest contribution was being able to make your mother laugh while she was alive, which is important stuff, too.

Above all, be gentle with yourself and summon up the strength to be gentle with your sibling as you move forward. And accept that you both have different strengths and weaknesses to add to that family mix.