'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by msbarneybutt @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

msbarneybutt — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 04:34:33 -0000

I am a 44 year old woman that has had will ALWAYS have had "issues" with anyone in my family. most especially my Mom & Dad. I KNOW I met THE one for me on 02/02/112099. We planned on getting married 11/11/2011. My parents came to think the absolute world of him with no holds barred, which surprised me to no end with a divorce that's been pending since 203/2004. At any rate, on 01/01/2009, we arose & prepared to go to New Year's Dinner with my mom & dad about an hour +/- away. We arrived there & within 30 minutes, he was dead. My parents upon whom I am almost totally & completely financially dependent treat me as though I am an imbecile since I should be quite past this by now. Sheesh, it's been almost a year. However, they both are more concerned/worried about appearances than what one truly feels. I do have one much, much younger sister who I feel DOES actually understand since she is in the massage/psycho therapy fields & is trying to integrate them into one.

As I mentioned earlier, my parents who are almost totally & completely financially supporting me now (I guess I could go into THAT story, but that is another story within many, many other stories) with very little future of supporting myself, no matter how desperately I wish it to be so, & I very, very much feel as though THEY feel as though I should be past this recent significant event (no matter how horrifically painful since I have survived many others just as painful if not more so prior to this one though I personally feel as though someone has cut my heart out of my chest & thrown it to thd dogs to do with it as they please. They treat me as though I am a literal imbecile with no sense whatsoever.

while I know first hand-that neither of them have EVER experienced the very, very sudden & most unexpected death of someone as I did. I DO have a counselor that can only do what she is able to do, talk to me when she is able & see me when she can.

I apologize for my "whining," but I do NOT have anyone whoe even has the time or will to listen & at the very least TRY to understand about which I am talking/writing or whatever else. I am extremely lonely, have few to no friends & just don't know what to do with myself which is compounded by the fact that I broke multiple bones in my foot; hence, my mobility is rather limited.

I apologize for my rambling, but I do have "good" & "bad" moments throughout each & everyday. Go figure: Such is life in this miserable place most of us call "earth"/"the world." Oh, just an FYI: I am NOT bipolar. I just have many, many things which I have had to face but with which my parents refuse to face &/or deal. And this all at the age of 44!!!!

Sheesh, I honestly feel for the umpteenth that my life could get no worse. I have always heard/been told/read that it can never get worse yet it always seems to do exactly that.

Many, many thanks to ANYONE who has the nerve to reply to my "tirade," yet I am in such literal as well as mental pain right now that I just don't have a clue as to where to start at this miserable juncture in my life.

barneybutt@hotmail.com Cyndi of AL/GA

'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by handbaglady @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

handbaglady — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:24:37 -0000

I have been a loving, supportive, exhausted and frustrated caregiver for my 88 year old mother who passed away one week ago.

I took her into my home and quit my job to care for her 24/7 for eight solid years. I only had 2 days off the entire time to have some surgery. In spite of all that, we managed to have a wonderful time together and I would say 90% of the eight years was a positive and gratifying experience. I always knew I would never have any regrets or guilt after her death because I had been so much "there" for her during her life. I miss her terribly and every morning since her passing I momentarily awaken, thinking I have to get her breakfast, only to realize she is gone.

She had a terrible last three months and I was actually filled with peace when I got the 2am call from the hospital informing me of her death.

My brother and sister-in-law are on the opposite side of emotions. Rarely there for my mom, and with two teenaged grandchildren who were always "too busy" to write or email grandma. They are having a hard time dealing with their grief. I am expecting a drama-filled specticle at her upcoming memorial service. Any advice on how I should handle any inappropriate comments or outbursts?

'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by RobinD @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

RobinD — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:28:58 -0000

That's a tough one, and every family has their own skeletons. I think the only way to survive it is to let it go. Bottom line, your father suffered for so many years and he's finally out of pain. Isn't that the main issue here?

Once you get past it, you can grieve for him which will take some time. Not letting yourself grieve and be embroiled in all the drama is just making it worse.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by Go Fer to the Geezer @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Go Fer to the Geezer — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:37:20 -0000

Have you read Elizabeth Kubler Ross's book "On Death and Dying"? She is or was, a Swiss Doctor who wrote on the stages of grief. I highly recommend her book to everyone... Grief comes in many weird forms...before finally the stage or form of acceptance. Your mother, after having been her husband's caregiver all this time, may be going through one or more of those stages. And you also may be going through... one or more of them simultaneously. It is hard to wrap your mind around it all. I am caregiver for my 79 yo husband presently, and it is physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. Grieving can take place while your loved one is still alive, just knowing that he/she is "on the way out". Some days I feel so angry I could throw a bull. Some days I am so depressed all I want to do is crawl in a dark cave and sleep forever.
So I can relate to what your mother may be going through. She may be relieved that it is finally over, and at the same time feeling remorse over all the things she wishes she still had the time to do, and guilt over the feeling itself that it is finally over. In time all the different stages of grieving, for all of you, will pass and hopefully you will all come out close to each other. Just know, for now, that each of you is doing the best you can and that it will all work out so that you can be close again. My prayers go out to you.

'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by bobbijoryan @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

bobbijoryan — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:38:35 -0000

Thanks for your post.... I'll keep you and your family in my prayers also. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom how I felt so I have kept it in but finally called and talked with the Hospice Social Worker and updated her on the real story and how I was feeling.

She encouraged me to try and find the local Hospice and see if they will support me through my grieving process since I live across the country from where my Mom and Dad live(d). With that said, I left a message with a woman that seemed very caring and she is going to pass my information on to the counselor who should get in touch with me soon.

I was finally able to wrap my mind around work a little but still need to get rooted in my kids and their homeschooling. I made a few calls today to find them physical activities/groups to join.... hopefully that will work out.

Back to my mom... I feel like I need to be honest with her about what she is and is not allowed to talk to me about. When she starts ranting about my Dad I just want to hang up and never talk with her again. I'm trying to be understanding but I think this is more painful that the last two weeks of my Dad's life and the days to follow.

Will update as things happen. Thanks for your prayers and sharing your stories. Sometimes it just helps to not feels so all alone.

'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by ammy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ammy — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:53:02 -0000

I lost my mom last month and I am going hru the same thing with my dad and my sister. I too live 400 miles away and my job requires quite a bit of travel. I have seen so many change in the people I love and I am like you not sure what to do. I cant have anything of my mom's either. My dad decided yesterday that I cannot come see him with out scheduling an appointment and his approval (yep thats right), I cannot discuss any business with him and I cannot go to our family home without my sister. My sister has said I was a vulture and I have stolen.

Yesterday, I decided that my dad knows in his heart I love him and care, but I cannot go on with this. I have to grieve and I have family that needs all of me. I know how hard it is, be stron and know they love you and start taking care of you and your family. They need us.

'Angry and Hurt after father's passing...' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 06:00:21 -0000

My story is long and difficult but I will try and bring everyone up to speed. My father just passed away after being sick and disabled nearly my entire life. My mom was his caregiver and it was evident that this was wearing on her by everyone around. I live on the other side of the states and have young children but was able to take time to go back and help them.

We planned a lot of my Dad's funeral and memorial plans with him, during which my mom was pretty open and supportive. Then he tried to take his own life, at which time my mom gave up and was completely done. I stepped up and took over for him. Got him into respite care to give her a break and to make sure he was safe to himself and others... during his stay in the hospital I had to admit him to a psych ward (which was something I promised I'd never do... but he promised never to try and commit suicide) and after an evening stay we got him out of there and into a hospice room where he passed the following day. My husband was a great support, as were my grandparents but my mom was totally hands off.

After his passing all she did was tell the story as if she were the one by his side at the very end and complain about how much debt he left her with.

All the while she and my brother had racked up a lot of the debt she is blaming my Dad for. I carried out his funeral making all the arrangements (with my husband). I did everything to spare her every penny I could so she couldn't complain about it and in the end my Dad's funeral was well under $2000 total.

With that said, neither of them wanted me (or anyone else in my family) to have anything to remember my dad by, as in his possessions. They wanted all the memorial money to go to my mom also. It breaks my heart that all they are concerned about is selling everything in the house and making out like bandits.

I don't even feel like I"m able to let myself feel the full extent of my loss because I am so hurt and angry by these two people... the ones that should also be mourning. I know mourning can come in different forms but I really don't feel like they care at all.

All this added to the fact that my brother hasn't really gotten to know me as an adult (and I'm in my early 30's). And my mom and I really don't have that great of a relationship to begin with.

I know this sounds like a lot of moaning and groaning but I just do not know what to do.

One last example... my mom has asked my 90+ year old great grandmother to pay the cable bill that just came. Grandma had been paying it because my father, being disabled, was either sleeping or watching tv and my mom refused to pay for cable for him with HIS disability and soc. security money that he got each month.

Again, sorry for the ranting I just really need support right now!

Thanks.... Angry and Hurt