'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:14:11 -0000

Hi Cece,

Actually, I'm moving out really soon. My breaking point was reached in July (long story, it's posted in a thread called Moving, moving, moving).

I wish it was as simple as being her medication, but her treatment of me is nothing new.

No more "taking it", no more Enabling it.

Thursday is my big day....I will find out if my Florida Real Estate application is approved or not. Otherwise, November 9th, I will be driving to Nashville to look into jobs and apartments there. I won't even live within an hour of my grandmother now (not to mention there are no jobs here in Michigan).

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by cece @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cece — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:29:21 -0000

Hi DolphinsCry,

Ouch. There is nothing harder to bear than harsh words from someone you love. But you now need to grow a thick skin to defend yourself from her hurtful comments. Trust me, I know about this.

As my Mom's personality changed with age, she too became more paranoid and angry about things that would never have upset her before. One thing we did was to speak with her physician. We found out that she was actually having a reaction to one of her medications, a beta-blocker, and that frequently elderly patients have these mood and personality changes due to their medications. You might want to talk with your grandmother's doctor. It sounds like something has changed with her in the past 3 months, and it might be correctable.

If it turns out that Grandma is just being difficult, you may have to come to grips with the possibility that these changes come with her getting older. With my Mom, she will occasionally lash out just to see if she can get a rise out of me. I used to fall for this all the time; she has no real amusement in her life, so she'd bait me into a fight. One of my sisters finally pointed out to me that I was the only one in the family she did this with; everyone else refused to argue with her. Eventually I learned to smile and say to her, "Sorry, Mom. You can't make me mad." That became my standard response and she finally got tired of that game (tho she still tries it once in a while). If she's truly in an ugly mood, I give her a kiss (if she'll let me) and say, "Gotta go. I hope you're in a better mood when I see you again."

No matter how difficult Grandma is being with you, keep your head. Take a deep breath, remember that your life is not HER life, and don't let her get under your skin. Be courteous and loving, and when it gets too tough, walk away for a while.

Good luck to you and your family. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:04:31 -0000

Also....my mom got her a new phone. And a new walker.

The walker has wheels. 3 days now, she won't use it. She doesn't like the tray. Her knees hurt, she's too tired.

She's not too tired to clean out the sugar bowl, wash every bit of laundry that needs to be washed, empty every trash bag in the house.

She does atleast use the walker bag thing on the old walker. But still refuses to carry around the phone. We had drama here last week because she would not let her stupid grandchild program the phone's answering machine etc. (rolling eyes). I was also too stupid to be able to pick up the prescription for her new walker. Like I could not find the front desk at the medical center I used to go to, also.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:57:54 -0000

Interesting reading.

My grandmother, over the past 3 months, has accused me of: - Her milk tastes funny, I must have tampered with it. - Her juice tastes funny, I must have tampered with it. - Her finances are off, I must be stealing from her, or the bank is in error. - Her OJ container was on the bottom shelf of the fridge, how did it get there? (She puts her groceries away, so don't ask me! At most, I'll put her new container of milk behind the old one.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by yusraipek @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

yusraipek — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:56:24 -0000

Dear All, I do understand how is it difficult to take care of a "difficult" parent, as some successfully depict. My mother (75) is of that kind. She asks 6 questions (same repeated ones) per minute. But she accepts any sort of soothing answer, irregardless of whether that answer was correct or not just cuz she doesn't recognize. For example she “uses” 10 minutes every morning while I am trying to catch transports, repeating same questions such as: what I work? Where? Nearby or far? Where this place is? Where my brother works? What he works? When my brother will come to her? What the day today? (you know she asks this questions 100 times a day and she thinks we lie to her when we give her the right answer.. although she has nothing to do with the knowledge of days…etc.. She just needs a calm reply full of good and kind promises for all of her humble demands. Although she stays with me, I hired an "old-parent-sitter" - so to speak- for her-, but se still asks me on a daily basis to call my brother to come and pick her to his house. But, when he virtually comes, she refuses to go with him and she forgets the whole matter of my brother. Very tomorrow, she would repeat the same scenario. She is not that demanding in terms of her own needs and money. She barely asks of a very tiny amount of money. And she easily abandons that tin amount even when you give her something else or brought the very simple need she expressed. She just always complains that no body gives her any foods and that she is hungry. She even threatens that if no body brings her food she will walk out and beg neighbors to feed her.. She says, she would do that but she feels shy for us that is why she does it no more!!! The old-parent-sitter (a very kind young woman I well know) collects all the plates of the day which she used for mom's “various” meals!! She denies having meals at all while she eats approximately 5 times a day. She is so obstinate and she would throw anything at hand to the floor if any of us uttered any comment that she must not do that. I know Dear that taking care of parents at old age is not a pretty job. We have no choice other that to take it as a tough entertainment. Try to entertain them and involve them in some social gatherings (guests). That might work. For my mum it does. But, she quickly get bored after setting hundreds of questions to the visitors and after telling them her life story.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by ycbski2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ycbski2 — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:34:11 -0000

yusraipek - I think the lesson here is to cultivate a relationship with your children so they treat you with the love and care you expect back. Far too often the elderly parents describe here did not do this and now expect a miracle or some sort of Hallmark fantasy moment that their children (more often child as the burden seems fall most often on 1 child, usually the daughter), now caregivers, will be able to care for them without evidence of the hurtful baggage the caregiver often carries for hurts past and present.
Yvonne

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by cece @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cece — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:07:08 -0000

Hi Yusraipek,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I'm assuming that you've read the thread because the topic of anger towards our parents and the associated guilt we might experience is intriguing to you. I don't know if you're currently in a caregiving situation; if you are, then you might recognize and understand some of our frustration, if you have a difficult parent.

Please understand that those of us who have posted on this thread are doing our very best to care for our parents and aren't seeking to "get rid" of them. On the contrary, someone who would get rid of Mom or Dad would have no conscience, and give no second thought to abandoning or dumping their parents.

Those of us who have posted on this thread are trying to cope with what is a daily struggle for us: How to provide the care and compassion our parents need, and how to cope with the anger, guilt and frustration that we sometimes feel as a result of caring for a difficult parent who sucks the very energy out of us and then demands more.

Trust me, if I didn't love and honor my Mother, I never would have sought out caring.com, never would have read this thread, never would have participated in this discussion. Some may choose to walk away from their parents' needs, but that's not the kind of caregiver I am, and that's not the kind of caregivers whose words you're reading in this thread. We have chosen the difficult, uphill path and we are here to support and encourage each other.

We are all trying to be good to our parents, but when one is called names, bit, demeaned, spat at, taken for granted, ordered about like a house servant, etc. on a daily basis, it's hard not to react emotionally. This link has been a wonderful, supportive resource for those of us who've needed to scream "AAAARGH! ENOUGH!", so they could then take a deep breath and go back to doing what we do for our parents. We know that we're in the thoughts and prayers of others in this demanding situation. We are not alone.

God bless you, and if you are struggling with the care of a difficult parent, know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by yusraipek @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

yusraipek — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:44:49 -0000

Greetings all.. One adivce.. Please treat your parents as you wish your own son and daughter do for you when you are at your own parents' age.. may be- who knows- with worse inability or disability?!!!!!! Be good to your parents.. They were so keen to take care of you deprived of any level of selfishness when you were so naughty and tiresome child.. with endless demands.. just as they are to you today!! Think twice before you seek to get rid of any of your parents.. because your own kids would think to similarly treat you. They learnt that from you in practical terms!! God Bless You All

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by cece @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cece — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:24:24 -0000

Dear Anonymous,

I am so sorry you are in this position. You have generously and selflessly cared for your husband's mother, and in so doing, you have allowed him to keep his promise to her. Now he needs to step up to the plate, and provide care for you AND his mom. This was his wedding vow to you... this is the "for better or for worse part," and now that it's "worse," you need him more than ever.

My first suggestion is that you find someone who will stay with her for an hour (and your children too, if they are young) and get out of the house with your husband. If you can't find someone, wait till everyone's asleep and the house is quiet, and get your husband's full attention. Tell him that you are stretched to the limit. Tell him what you have told us. Then you need to spell out, in black and white, exactly what YOU need in order to care for HIS mother: You both need to talk to your area's senior services representative; find a caregiver who will help your MIL, if only for a few hours a day at first. Then you can start living your life again.

My family was fortunate to find an aide through my Mom's church. Meg is a Godsend. She comes to Mom's house five or six times a week, brings a meal, stays an hour or two to visit. It sounds as though your MIL requires much more care, but believe me, there are aides out there who can help. Your husband owes you AT LEAST this much help, if not more.

Please, please don't delay in this. All of us who are on this thread have grappled with very difficult issues with aging parents, and any advice we give is tried and true. Your situation is different from mine, but what it boils down to is self-preservation. If your mental health crumbles, you are no use to anyone. Not your MIL, not your kids, not your husband.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:26:42 -0000

I don't know where else to turn. I am depressed and so angry that I can't even stand myself anymore. I just can't take it. I've been taking care of my mother in law for 17 years. She is total care. No one will help me with her or give me time to myself to get out of the house. I am trying to get her in the nursing home long term, but all the legal and applications process will take months. My husband doesn't want to put her there. He feels guilty because he has always promised her he never would. I'm not backing down though. If I don't do this, we are all going to suffer for it. More than we already have. The stress and depression has caused several health issues for myself. It has affected my relationship with my husband and my children. Most days I feel like just wallking out. I can't go to groups because I can't leave her by herself. And I don't have anyone who will come and stay with her. Things have got to change soon. I'm loosing my mind. I need help and can't get it fast enough. I don't know how much more I can last.....

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by ycbski2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ycbski2 — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:27:59 -0000

I so hear your pain. My heart goes out to you. There is some financial help if the one you are caring for is a vetern or spouse of a vetern - See Vetern's Aid and Attendance benefit on line and get a elder attorney to help you fill out the paper work.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by isabella950 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

isabella950 — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:44:07 -0000

Im still trying to learn how to deal with guilt issues. I do know that if the two elders that lived in our household had gone to nursing homes they would not have had the care they recieved here. One of the relatives with Dementia we took into our household knowing the full situation she was 91. The second, my mother in law had an amputated leg= where a sister in law said she would give me a break durring the kids recess. Just for a few days. For three years I was lifting, cleaning thier bedsheets everyday, meals, meds, physically washing them in the shower. My spouse has back problems so he couldnt lift at all. We have 4 children I was trying to take care of, driving. It left me very fustrated because there was NEVER any down time, The sister never stepped up to batt. She came by on 3 month intervals just to stare at my mother in law. The last time she came she told my mother in law she couldnt help her, wouldnt get me and didnt tell me she left. So when I came back into the room my mother in law had been sitting in urine from her catheder leaking. I was mad, I thought why am I the only one doing this. But I persisted. The 91 year old died from a stroke 2 monthes ago. The mother in law we just burried this Saturday. I cried because in the end, she became one of my children in taking care of all her needs. The sisters did not cry, they were mad that I cried. In fact when services were over instead of allowing us to take the flowers home the sisters threw a fit. They would not help with either funeral, but did pass judgement. I have decided to get Hospice counciling so that I will be able to feel better. It is fustrating when you are in that position. I know this.. I feel for anyone going threw it, there are no easy answers.. with aging parents you cant argue with them, you have to treat them like children and hold thier hand until the end.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by Puddlejumper @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Puddlejumper — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 14:35:15 -0000

Thank you all for your posts. It is great to know that we are not alone in these situations. I hope that if you have abusive parents that you definitely get help. It is quite hard enough even when the parent is well-intentioned.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by ycbski2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ycbski2 — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:03:10 -0000

This is for those of you who have a parent(s) who do have enough money for an assisted living facility but refuse to go. If you had a difficult relationship with that parent I do not recommend that you have them live with you. I know several people who did this and died first, due the stress of caring for that parent, while the parent lives on. There are several options as I see - both difficult. First accept that we all die. I know this is simple but most people have trouble accepting this and what it truly means. First option is - If the parent is determined to stay in their home then you must let them with the knowledge that one day you will go over there or get a call and they will be dead. Do not go over there every day. Resist as much as you can, using the logical part of your brain, the guilt you will have over not going everyday. It is just too hard. Instead, arrange for meals on wheels to come or something similar so they have food or bring them things that you cook when you go over that will last a few days until you come back. Let them die in their home. For another idea, here is what happended to our family, which might be the way it could work for you. There will be an incident usually health related. For us it was that my mom fell and broke her hip. For one of my friends it was that her mom had to go in the hospital for something else related to dementia and having her meds messed up because she could not keep track anymore. Usually when this type of thing happens the sibilings that were not on board with assisted living, get on board as they can no longer deny what is happending and fear as much as you do that they will have to have them live with one or the other of you. Or as I did, that mom would die in her home and not be found for days. The window is brief though. You must get them to agree when the incident first happens and emotions are high for what follows. During the recovery time, together we told mom that she now had no choice and that she had to sell the house and move into an assisted living near one of us. She lived in Lousiania and we live in Colorado and Virginia. She fought this idea but when a person is so frail during a recovery time they can see that you are right and generally give in due to fear. Jump then and put the house up for sale right away or within a month or so before they start feeling a lot better. Then you go there and move them. You will have to rent a storage place because they are not going to give up their stuff right away. The packing and all will be tramatic. If you have a sibiling beg them to come with you. My mom threw stuff at us, cried and yelled at/insulted us most of the week we were there packing stuff. We got closer as brother and sister but it was exhusting too. As for the car, we had been trying to get here to give up driving for a long time. Even after she had an accident that wrecked five cars in an intersection she refused. In fact her insurance agent took her out to buy another car go figure! We it was time to move we told her that the car need major repairs and/or was too expensive to ship. And that she could get another one once she moved if she could get a new license. This never came up again other than for her to remind me off and on how I took her car away. Which brings us to - be prepared for the fact that someone will take the fall for all this forever, but you have to proceed anyway. Once mom moved here she stayed with me for 3 months before the assisted living had an apartment for her. We were on three lists and luckly our first choice came up first. During the time mom was living with me I continued to follow my normal routine of working as there was no way mom had enought money for me to quit and take care of her fulltime. Othertimes she had stayed with me (including a 2 month stint during hurricane Katrina) I had treated here as a guest, not so much a family member, cooking every night, getting home early from work, not going to work out or anything first. But this time I wanted her to see what it would be like living as a family member and not a privledged guest - staying alone all day, eating late, simple meals at home and not going out for dinner much (mom is diabetic so this was an issued but we go through it), having the heat down to something normal, sharing a TV with closed caption on due to her hard of hearing and refusing earing aids (they are very expensive and often work marginally no matter what you have heard). After 2 weeks of this, she said , "Is this how it is going to be? " I told her, "Yes, get used to it. " During this time you need to continue to remind them by talking about it that they will still be going to the assisted living. This is hard. But if you don't it will be worse when the time comes because they get back into denial. After 3 months, the assisted living became available. Mom has been in assisted living now 3 years. I go over once a week for half a day on the weekend and believe me that is too much as far as I am concerned. It is much different when you do it because you want to rather than when you are guilted into it. Twice a month would be good with me, but not her and I do understand this. But she is relatively happy , goes on outings to the store, parks, doctors appointments, etc., palys bingo (which she would have nothing to do with before), made a few new friends (she's real shy) and gets 3 decent meals a day with a choice of 2 mealtimes - early or a little later. She also gets her medicine given to her, help with bathing (which she really needed and I dreaded doing). If she had not been there she would be dead now and it would have happened in my house. She had a diabetic incident one day and because they check on their clients and mom had not come down for lunch, she was found, revived and sent to the hospitial for a day or so. I was not home at the time and if she had been living with me I would have came home to find here dead (see above). Now that mom is no longer eligible for long term care insurance (it runs out this month) we will begin using her money from the house (which has been getting interest) and her income from SSI etc. My brothers are again pushing for me to take her into my home because they see the small inheritance eroding away. But that is money that mom and dad saved just for this purpose and if it is all gone, so be it. We will cross that bridge if and when we get to it. I will not give up the rest of my life or shorten it taking care of mom if I do not have to. And I don't see them voluntering either. One other note - there is money available depending on how much assests the parent has (<$80K) for veterans and their wives. $2K a month for veteran and up to $1K a month for spouse. It is a little know benefit and is called Aid and Attendance Veterans benefit. Look it up on the internet. You might need help with filling out the forms but an elder law attorney can help. And you might have to put assets into a trust. but every little bit helps right!

Yvonne

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 15:12:55 -0000

From Kona's post: "She wouldn't speak to us and was acting like a bratty child throwing a fit. I know other friends that have also said their elder parents reverted to childlike behaviors as they got more frail. She is manipulative, selfish and very needy. "

Welcome to my world!

A couple weeks ago I was outside loading up the salt containers (gotta love winter - not). Granny comes to the door screaming that there is a call for me. I tell her I can't take it, take a message. This leads to her insisting I come take the call NOW! Fine. I take the call.

I try to explain to her....I was in the middle of something outside, the porch is a sheet of ice (I have a bad back, and have to be careful). Next time, please take a message.

This leads to: "Fine, I just won't answer the phone at all then".

Other times she gets mad, you get either: (1) she won't talk to you for a couple days (unless she needs something, of course); (2) threatens to throw you out (PLEASE PLEASE DO THIS!); (3) I'm calling your mother! (What, you're gonna get your 36-year old grandslave grounded?; or (4) verbal abuse. (Yes, granny, I already know I'm a slut, a slob, a b***h, useless, unwanted burden, you never wanted me born, blah blah blah.......) Your words hurt, and your apology is meaningless, for those words of hate come from someplace within you. But I am used to it and know I am not the horrible person you say I am.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by RevYarb @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

RevYarb — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 01:26:20 -0000

Victoria,
Bless Your Spirit! Welcome to the board and we’re glad you’re here too. Please accept my condolences and our prayers are with you and your family. We wished you were here earlier too but we are delighted to have you now so please jump right in and spread the wisdom.
Bless Your Spirit!

-RevYarb

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by Victoria @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Victoria — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 20:02:35 -0000

Hi, I wish I had known about this site when I was caring for my mom. Every response I have read is a situation that I went through with her and residents I cared for as a CNA. The checkbook situation was my first wake up call that she was past the occassional forgetfulness stage. She was still denying or not realizing that anything was different with her ability to care for her finances, etc.so I gave her an old checkbook and let her fill them out and then when they were "ready" I would offer to mail them for her. The best advice I can give any new caregiver dealing with this horrible disease is to be creative and remember that it doesn't take a lot of coaxing to divert their attention to something else. This will alleviate alot of stress and frustration for both of you. The other must is respite time for you. I have three siblings and in the two years my mom lived with me; my sister came to see her three times for one day each time, my youngest brother called once and I didn't hear from my other brother at all. I was blessed to have friends and in-laws that would stay with her occassionally, but I wish now that I had been more aggressive in insisting that her family have a part in her caregiving. Let me know if any of you are having specific issues with your loved one and chances are mom and I did too, so I may have some suggestions. My mom passed away and I often think about the quirky moments we had during that time and they are some of my best memories. God Bless all of you, Victoria

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by cece @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cece — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:10:16 -0000

Hi Tacarra,

We could all hope for a daughter as loving and attentive as you have been! Unfortunately, many of us have learned that the Mom or Dad we were "assigned to" is not the one we would wish for. There are very few "Brady Bunch" parents out there, it seems.

It would be wonderful if your Mom could see through her anger, pain and other emotional turmoil to see and appreciate everything that you've done for her, and in turn become supportive of you as you journey into adulthood. But I think there are some people who will never be able to do that, and your Mom may be one of them.

You certainly sound like you've provided for Mom to the best of your ability, but unless you make room for your needs, you will eventually resent her and it will get ugly (more than it already has been for you). I agree wholeheartedly with RevYarb; you need to get others involved. If your Mom pushes them away, that's her choice. You may go through a succession of caregivers before she realizes that you can't or won't shoulder her care alone.

But before you get others involved, you need to have a totally honest talk with your Mom. Tell her everything that you've told us, in a non-accusing way. Your pastor or other wise adult would be a great person to help you with this, and should be with you while you convey this message to Mom to offer a supportive viewpoint. There's a very good chance that Mom will become angry during/after this discussion, but it's one that you have to have, for yourself as much as for her. Once your feelings are on the table, then you can really begin working on your life... college, relationships (not just romantic, but good friendships), and a career. Your Mom may always be difficult, which is out of your control; how you respond to her is up to you. Remain calm and kind, but live your own life; your mental health is vital.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by RevYarb @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

RevYarb — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 17:49:32 -0000

Tacarra
Wow, you sure have been through a lot for such a young age, and I must commend you for your strength and endurance throughout the years. I certainty felt your pains as I read this post, and you are in our prayers and have our support. My question for you is there any way that you can get some family members involved if even for a couple of hours a week or as they are able? I read that you desire to go to church, if you are willing share your thoughts and feelings with your pastor or members, if there is such a ministry in your church some may be willing to come and offer you some relief if that is an option.
Tacarra, you must continue to live your life and pursue your dreams and goals. Stay encouraged and remain steadfast. However, please find a way to involve caring others in this with you, sometimes caring for others can become a mental burden and a physical drain, thus you find yourself in a literal prison and it can and will be overwhelming at times.
Please keep us posted.

Bless Your Spirit!
-RevYarb

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by Tacarra @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Tacarra — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 17:16:36 -0000

If anyone has any input for me I would greatly appreciate it! I`m 18 years old and have been my mother`s only consistent companion my entire life(she is 55). I am of course going to college and am at a place in my life where it is only healthy to begin seperating from her. she has multiple sclerosis and needs things done around the house, companionship, and general care (help with food, having someone make her go to bed so she dosen`t fall out of her chair). She latches on to me because... I guess she figures she would want me to be the offensive one than deal with someone else`s help.She uses me as a barrier against the world. I get yelled at when I do homework with a neighbor across the hall. I tell her where I am going and she "forgets" or something and yells at me for bieng longer than an hour (yet again... COLLEGE WORK.). She gets mad at me for wanting to do things with friends and wanting to go to church. She increasingly needs help that I cannot give and i am worried about falls when I am gone. The decision to move out is made more difficult in that she has been abandoned by everyone she loved her whole life. Instead of seeking help or counselig she has bottled it all up and she is letting it out on me. I could handle that except that i am at a time in my life where I need a mother of sorts and she instead curses at me and calls me names. I need a consistent calm environment and I think her in assisted living and me visiting regularly would be a better plan than us living together.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:32:42 -0000

Hi, this is Trudy. It has been a while since I was able to get on this sight, what with my father-in-laws death and funeral, then The holidays. We are going thru the same thing with my mother-in-law except she isn't angry, thank goodness, she just can't remember and asks every day where Dad is. When you tell her he passed away she mourns all over again. My neighbor suggested we not tell her anymore but the rest of the family doesn't agree with that. Then I have my Dad to deal with. He is still in his own home, barely. We had tried to take him into our home a year ago and one night we had a disagreement and when we got up the next morning he had moved back to his place which is just across the road. Last evening after being gone Saturday night and Sunday I called him and he acted so weak he could hardly talk. I don't know if he expected me to rush right over or what, but I didn't. He has done this to us for a long time. We had him going to a phsyciatrist and he was on meds and decided he didn't want to take them anymore and took himself off them. My sister-in-law calls him every other day and she called him this morning and he was real angry. We feel he is very depressed and are helpless to do anything for him if he won't cooperate. He won't go to the elderly get togethers from our church, he won't go to church, he expects us to cater to all of his wants when he wants them. I wouldn't be surprised he will take off for town sometime today. Yes, he still drives, which is very scary. I really wanted to respond to a couple people that wrote in. Deb, you are in our thoughts and prayers. The one consolation is that they are together like they were here on earth. My in-laws were together over 67 years and because Mom has dementia she morns new every day. You have your memories of the good times with them to help you get through the days. Like some of the others wrote you can't know till you go through it yourself. Keep all the good advice coming. It is all very helpful. Trudy

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by cece @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cece — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:20:22 -0000

Hi ReeDee,

I"m really glad you found the site. The folks here have been so helpful, if only to help me understand that I'm not alone.

It sure sounds like you've had your hands full for years. What a blessing you have been to your parents, even though your father can't express that right now. You have to know in your heart that you're doing the right thing, even though it's the hard thing sometimes.

With our family, it's been a year of juggling caregivers, taking food to Mom, doing her chores and helping her dress, and maintaining her house so that she can continue to live there. And even though she has wants she wants it's still not enough for her... still the anger comes through. Though I've "thickened my skin" and am able to deflect some of her verbal attacks (which occur nearly every day), it's wearying and I can't always keep up my defenses.

Some days, I cry all the way home from her house. And that's okay too; it's what I need to do to survive because I'm still basically a softy inside and I don't want to change who I fundamentally am. After all, if I wasn't a softy I wouldn't care so much about Mom's welfare. And I think you're probably a softy too, or you wouldn't bother at all with your Dad.

So once in a while I come back to this thread, re-read the entire thing, and it bolsters me for a time. I encourage you to come back and read through it too, whenever you're feeling low. Please remember that you are never totally alone, that those of us who read this thread will be thinking about you and keeping you in our prayers.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by ReeDee @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ReeDee — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 11:04:01 -0000

Just found this site tonight... uh, this morning and have read this string from the beginning.

The questions you have answered!! Thank you all for sharing.

I started helping my parents 10 years ago, when Mom began to fail. After she died, five years ago, I continued to help my Dad... cleaned the house, cooked the meals, shopped, took him to his appointments, church & social activities. I was widowed a couple of years ago and made arrangements to retire this past November because I could see that he was approaching the point where he was going to need care 24/7. Before that point, he quit eating, though he continued to take his insulin and we had the paramedics for him twice in three days. He had also fallen several times. I took him to the VA, where he went for all his medical care, explained what was going on and they admitted him for a week as a "Failure to thrive", releasing him to a Life Care Center for rehab hoping that he would be able to regain his strength. Before he was released from rehab, we realized that he was going to require extensive care, and after an incedent at the house, concluded that he was not going to let me care for him. My brothers and sisters came down and we found a long term care facility for him to transfer to when he was released from rehab. I see him almost every day, and still do his laundry, but he is very angry with me. I know he thinks it's my fault he was not allowed to go home. He still expects me to shop for him, take him where he needs to go and take care of his clothes but doesn't seem to think that he needs to be civil or even talk to me. It's becoming harder and harder to go visit him. I try and take one of my daughters or grandchildren when I go, so at least he doesn't just turn his face away and close his eyes but I am feeling resentful that he expects me to take care of things but doesn't feel the need to show even common courtesy to me, especally if there is someone else with me. I'd just about decided to let the facility do his laundry and just make the effort to visit him once a week to make sure he is getting proper care. Now I understand that he is suffering from all the losses he has experienced in the past few years and has now even lost his freedom. I'm a safe person to take it out on because he is secure in my love... and that's okay.

Thank you again for all of your insight

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by cece @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cece — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:10:27 -0000

Deb,

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. No one really knows or understands what we've all been going through until they find themselves in the thick of it with a parent who is hard to care for.

Be kind to yourself in the coming days, weeks, and months. Remember the good times with your parents, don't kick yourself for the things you "could have" or "should have" done, and try to accept the fact that you did the best that you can. Which, really, is what we're all trying to do.

May God bless you and your family.

'Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.' posted by Cathie @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Cathie — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:17:42 -0000

Deb, I am so sorry about your loss. Just know that they are together now and in no pain whatsoever. YOU WILL SEE THEM AGAIN. I was going to talk about my situation and the pain I am going through but I don't think now is the time. I wish you the best and pray for you. I can't comprehend the amount of loss you are feeling, but like Kate said give yourself time to mourn and know that the knowledge you have gained can and will truly help another. Be good to yourself.

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