Anger at our parents --and guilt about feeling it.

It's so complicated, isn't it? I think you hit the nail on the head: "What they want most is for their last years with their parent to be close and caring." Isn't that what we all want? Especially those of us who've had difficult relationships with our parents: we want to make up for all the past anger and pain. And I think that most of us somehow believe that it's in our power to achieve this, when of course it isn't.

It's a perfect recipe for anger and guilt. Ideas for dealing with it? Finding ways to let go of the belief that this perfect caregiving relationship is in your power. Taking a walk and breathing in fresh air and sunshine. Good friends to laugh and cry with -- online and in real life.

And chocolate, of course.

Yes, I've heard that the two most difficult issues when dealing with parents in the early stages of confusion and decline are the check book and driving.  They don't want to give up control of either.  I found that early to middle period of my mother's dementia very difficult.  She could no longer handle her own finances but was "with it" enough to insist that she could.  If the parents you mention do have dementia, too, causing the confusion with their finances, it may be some relief to know that over time (about a year in my mother's case) they may progress to a point where their adult children can gently take over the bill paying.  Of course the progression of their illness is devastating, but in some ways it makes day-to-day issues of care easier because you don't have to explain everything and as the caregiver you can just get done what needs to be done.  I'd recommend that they get Durable Power of Attorney right away so that they can manage their parents' finances as soon as possible.  They could also try to find an attorney with experience with elders so they can gently and unobtrusively steer the parents toward agreeing to the POA. 

Support groups, like my county's Office for the Aging Alzheimer's Caregivers Support Group, have really helped me.  Also talking to a psychologist specializing in elder care issues, and social workers connected with our city's Family and Children's Services office.  And don't try to do everything yourself.  I found that I could care for my mother in my home for only 3 months, after which I found an assisted living facility in town she agreed to move to, that she could afford for several years because she pinched every penny her whole life.  It's sad how quickly savings get depleted, but dealing with her dementia proved to be too much of a stress on me, my family (my husband two grade-school children), and on Mom.  She turned out to be happier in a good assisted living facility where she made friends (though she didn't remember their names), had her own space, and her own routine. 

You've gotten some great advice.  I don't have much to add, other than support.  I've SO been there!  It's this issue that made me truly correlate dealing with aging parents and parenting my own children.  How many times have I tried to help one of them only to have them refuse and me get annoyed at the failure I know is right around the corner?  Not good! 

If your friend is the type of gal who would open-mindedly participate in a support group, that sounds like a great source for support.  If not, perhaps documentation of her mom's mishaps and issues would be a good first step.  She would then later be able to say to her mom, "I love you and I want to help.  Look at what I've seen in the past six months.  If we were talking about someone else you cared about, wouldn't you be concerned?" 

Great topic!  I hope your friend finds the answer that works well for her and her family.

Catherine,

Enjoyed your comments.  I agreed to bring my mother-in-law in to our home and my husband and I have been her caregivers for 2 years.  She is 87 and lost her husband and oldest son, so there were not many options.  She has limited funds and cannot live on her own.  We go through a lot of frustration and anger.  For me it is more, since my husband is her son and feels more obligated.  Luckily, we do not have kids, but this has been very hard and anyone who is thinking about caring for your elder, ailing parent really needs to think a long time about it.  There are pros and cons...mostly cons.  Be prepared to be very patient and use all the resources that are out there.

This has become one of the hot topics among my friends when we get together these days. No one ever feels she or he is doing enough; yet feels completely overwhelmed by what she IS doing and by the immensity of what needs to be done. And I'm not sure it matters that much whether parents are living with your or not; one of my best friends has been doing long-distance caregiving from the east coast where she lives to northern California and that is overwhelming too. She spends every evening on the phone with her parents, then barely has time to put her own child to bed.

In my case, my mother is a very difficult person, so it is hard to get any type of care. Even old friends can't bear to be around her much anymore because it is very depressing, and I'm not sure how to hire care because she would lock them out of the house.

I do what I can, but have had to accept gradually that I can't care for her up what would be my normal standards; if all I can do is make sure she's physically safe and has food to eat, then that's all  can do and it has to be enough for now. I am looking for a caregivers support group; I've heard they can be really helpful

I had a very rocky relationship with my step-mother from the time she entered my life (8th grade ) until I left the house when I was married. Over the years both of us seemed to mellow and we were  doing well when I visited her in her apartment. Eventually she became unable to care for herself properly and agreed to move in with my husband and me when we moved a few hundred miles away.

I found very quickly that she had not forgotten exactly how to push all my buttons. The "good" relationship quickly started to become the one of 40 years earlier. I learned how manipulative and demanding she was in her sweet way. I strengthened my virtue of patience. I had to tell her that it was our house and there would not be silence because she had gone to bed when the family was here for the holidays.

My main message is that old habits die hard. If you have any doubt that having an elder live in your home will work, try to find another solution !!!

I totally agree with Murphsmom!  Her message that "old habits die hard" is so very true when it comes to caregiving for an elder relative who now depends on you.  If they had any "symptoms" before, they will just get worse and more magnified.  My 87 yr. old mother-in-law that we took in, is even more anxious, depressed and frustrated with herself, because we must do almost everything for her.  She does thank us and admits how bad she feels that we must change our lifestyle for her.  But, why does she make it so darn difficult?  She is so set in her ways and very stubborn!  She won't wear a hearing aid, so we are subjected to a very loud TV from 7:30 AM to 10 PM, 7 days a week.  Not long ago, my husband asked her nicely to turn it down a bit.  She became extremely upset, turned the TV and lights off and refused to eat lunch and dinner that day.   She wouldn't speak to us and was acting like a bratty child throwing a fit.  I know other friends that have also said their elder parents reverted to childlike behaviors as they got more frail.  She is manipulative, selfish and very needy.  I wish we had another solution besides having to take her in to our home, but we don't.  I just do what I can to keep myself sane and to try to keep our marriage from totally falling apart...

Note to Melanie- Try to find a local caregiver's support group fast!  My group meets twice a month and has helped me a lot!  Ask around and check some eldercare resource centers or web sites.

To Murphsmom- Thank you very much for contributing!  I feel for you and it "validates" for me, that others who are going through caregiving situations like mine,  have similar frustrations and observations.   I don't feel so alone!   Your comments were right on!

Someone said an interesting thing to me yesterday about feelings.  That we can't do anything really about anyone else's feelings, but only ourselves.  And what can we do for ourselves?  It was that at every moment we always have 2 choices about how to feel about something and its up to us to choose which.  The 2 choices are the thing that feels a little better or the thing that feels a little worse.  If we go along with the thing that feels a little better, then it leads us along our path that continues to feel a little better each time regardless of what someone else is doing.   So today's goal for me is to try to notice if this is true.  Caring can be hard, so I'm thinking its important to find some personal joy in there somehow.

Catherine,

Thank you so much for starting this discussion.  My sisters and I are caring for an elderly, infirm, slightly confused mother in HER home, 24/7 (she's too unsteady and confused to be left alone), and I haven't been sure where to turn for answers or support.  Mom refuses to consider assisted living or moving into one of our homes, and she's with-it enough to call 911 if we tried to remove her physically.  She reminds us frequently that she cared for her mother when needed and we should do the same for her.  It's no use in pointing out that Mom took Grandma in and didn't have to drive to her house every single day; Mom just ignores anything she doesn't like to hear.

We have hired a daytime cargiver, and my sisters and I take turns staying overnight, but it's been 3 months now and it's creating enormous stress... between us sisters, and my husband and I (plus, I work full time and have 2 teenage sons).  I too am struggling with the guilt of trying to balance my husband and kids with my job and my mother's needs.  Some days I feel like one of those plate-spinners on the Ed Sullivan Show, and it will all eventually come crashing down on me.

Thanks to your advice, I plan to find a caregiver's support group.  Now.

Hi cece,

I really feel your stress and pain.  Definitely find a caregiver's support group ASAP...it has helped me.  My 87 yr. old mother-in-law threatens us by saying she'll starve herself to death if we try to put her in assisted care or a nursing home.  2 years ago she picked out a senior apartment complex that had a cafeteria, numerous classes, shuttle services, daily senior activities, but she refused to get involved.  We ended up moving her in our home because she was paying this one big monthly fee at the senior complex, which was twice her monthly SS and pension income amount, and she was not using the amenities.  She was going through her savings quickly, so we had to move her in with us after 10 months.  This has been a lot of work and it's been difficult...I'm amazed that I'm still married, although things (marriage stuff) have changed for the worse.

So, explore all your options.  Look into her insurance, know about her finances and read up on Medicare/Medicaid.  Use her money to get the alarm pendant that she can push if she falls or needs medical help.  They will dispatch 911 and then call you and your sisters.  If she can afford caregivers, line them up to take your places.  There are also some volunteer groups that will sit with elders and keep them company.  If she has minimal income, she may qualify for some free or low cost caregiving.  My mother-in-law makes a tad over the amount required for free services and she has too much in savings for medicaid, so we pay her part time caregiver and her alarm pendant.

Beleive me, this is going to be stressful for you because like me, you work full time and have your own family, too.  I'm exhausted and stressed all the time and I just take one day at a time.  If your employer offers EAP take advantage of the free (but limited counselors) and they also provide a good eldercare book, too.  Do what you can to take care of you, the caregiver.  Find escapes through yoga, meditation, shopping or chocolate.  I know you are very busy with all this, but you MUST take some time to take care of yourself.  And know that there are others with similar feelings of stress and feeling like we're headed for a nervous breakdown.  This is like an on-line caregiver's support group, so use it often.  It helps!!  Good luck!

Another thing that you might do when you feel ready for a break ( or breakdown ) is try respite care at one of the local long term care facilities in your area. You will, of course, want to check it out as you would if your parent were going to stay there full time. When it is close to the time for you to leave, be strong, pleasant, but firm. You must go away and they must stay here for a week or two. There will undoubtably will be some objections but you must not show the slightest wavering in your voice. No amount of manipulation, wailing, crying, etc. should  take this gift away from you. That is what the vacation will be--a gift  First, a gift for you that you will appreciate as your nerves unfrazzle and you have some time for yourself. Then you will see that it is also a gift to your husband and children as a much less burdened you is able to spend a little more time with them----can talk to them in a softer voice, help with homework because there are a few more minutes in the evening.. Finally, it is a gift to the person you care for. When your vacation is over and things are getting back to the old routine you will be refreshed. You will have more patience, perhaps take more time to truly listen. Everyone will benefit from a break from the everyday routine.

 Although my father has lived in a senior residence for the past 3 years, he has not made much effort to develop friendships or get involved in activities since he claims they are all for the women.  He relies on me and my husband for his social support.  My husband retired 3 years ago and we have yet to be able to take advantage of this time of our lives. I  just finished reading David Solie's book, "How To Say It To Seniors".  It helped me gain some perspective about my 90 year old father's behavior and communication patterns.  I have come to realize that I will never be able to do enough for him ( since I can't replace my mother who passed away 4 years ago).  I had to begin seeing a therapist to keep my sanity but I still have all the anger, guilt, sadness, etc. that everyone has mentioned.  I wish I could stop my private pity party but sometimes I just want to run away from all responsibility.

Marcy, I know that feeling well. Knowing intellectually and knowing and okaying in your heart are two different things. Realize that you will never be able to do enough for your father. He apparently is still grieving for your mother and nothing you do will alleviate his pain. You have done what you can and will continue to do so. HOWEVER, you must take care of yourself so you can nurture your self and your relationship with your husband. Please don't short change yourself and this othetr important man in your life by continuing to pour time, care, and caring down a bottomless hole.Of course you will see your father and encourage him to join in the actin\vities offered at the facility, Only he can make the choice to join or not. You are not responsible for his choices, nor are you responsible for his happiness--both are up to him. Once you accept that you can take time for yourself and  your husband to enjoy the retirement both of you deserve. 

Thank you, Murphsmom.  I particularly liked your reference to the "bottomless hole", because that is exactly how I see it.  My therapist has been helpful in pointing out some of the same themes you mentioned.  I know that I have to live my life but despite the fact that my father is in a safe, clean place with friendly faces, meals, and assistance if he needs it, I am carrying around a lot of guilt and anger.  I am worried that I am going to burn out ( I am the only surviving child) and he will be left to fend for himself.  

Its good to hear from you, Marcy.  Your last sentence says it all. You have to care for yourself to be around for visits to your father.  Having him in that wonderful facility is the best, healthiest thing you could have done for both of you. If this is what the guilt is about, forget it !  Just imagine what it would be like if you had taken him into your home.. Then you would have been on call 24/7.  You owe it to yourself and your husband to enjoy your retirement years.  Set up a schedule and make a copy for your father. Instead of every day, show him you will visit on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. When he realizes you will stick to that he may decide to try some of the facility programs---you never know !!  Feel good about finding a superior facility for your father where you know his needs are met. Make plans to meet some of your needs without feeling guilty. That is not a luxury, but a necessity.

Hi Everyone:   I am new to this discussion and I am encouraged already!  I think it is more stressful taking care of mom than it was taking care of my son - and I am a single mom at that!  The dynamics are entirely different, but I have gotton some GREAT ideas from all of you.  The Lord Jesus will also assist if you ask Him.......

Hi all,

I’m sorry I’m so late speaking to this issue. I can say been there done that. I certainly encourage any and all of you to stand your ground if your motives are right. I’ve been cursed, ostracized by family and so on. It is very painful and extremely difficult to stay focused on maintaining affairs while you are questioned and highly scrutinized by outsiders. Stay focused and finish your objective, more than likely others who are critical of you and your deeds most likely won’t last a month in your position.

As stated before have all of your legal documents readily available for you may find yourself defending your decisions more often than you care to remember.

Bless Your Spirit!

-         RevYarb  

 My mother & father are both 84 years old. My mother is mentally & physically pretty good while my Dad is in the mid-stages of Alzheimer's. Over the past two years, while they were living on their own, I was constantly on call for all of their problems. We live about 5 miles apart and my only sibling lives in Colorado. In May of this year, my Mom had a stroke which affected her speech at first and she was hospitalized. This was my nightmare, she was the primary care giver for my diabetic father with Alzheimer's and now she was sick. I had discussed this scenario with her many times, but she wouldn't listen to me. This situation created absolute chaos in our lives. Dad wouldn't have in home caregivers & cried constantly because my mother wasn't there. When she came home, we found a CNA that was great & my Dad would tolerate because my Mom was there. To make along story short, my Mom ended up having to have surgery for an 80% blockage in her carotid artery. After what everyone had been thru after her stroke, she agreed for her & my Dad to move into assisted living before the surgery. I was so happy. We found a great place, my brother came in from Colorado & we moved them in. They were safe & cared for & I could breathe easier. My Dad actually did very well with the change. Anyway, this facility was wonderful for my Dad when my Mom was in for surgery. There have been numerous times my Mom has had to "push the button" for assistance with my Dad while they've been there, but everything has been good. Now that my Mom is feeling better, she has decided that they should move back to their house and I just want to scream. My husband and I are about 3 years from retirement, we both work full time, we have 2 beautiful grand kids and one older child who still requires some attention. I want the time my parents had at my age. They were not saddled with this responsibility. They were traveling and enjoying their golden years. I want to do the same, but my mother doesn't even want me to go on vacation. I will never do this to my children. My mother has always been about appearances and she is not sad for my Dad, she is disgusted with him because she can't live out her days the way she wants to. I know it's hard, but keep trying to reinforce the idea that in assisted living she can leave Dad and he will be cared for while she goes to bridge club, etc. I think she's just being selfish.

Wow Deb, you're in a tough spot. I hope writing about it helps (this helps me). You find the perfect "solution" for your parents and your mom wants to mess with it. I understand your mom prefering to live in her house, I really do. But it sounds like she doesn't really see or get how much care she and your dad need. I'd encourage you to try to stand your ground. Hmmm... I mean, I guess your mom can move back into her house whenever she wants, but you can stand your ground in terms of making it very clear that you a) don't agree with the move, and b) feel it's too much to ask of you and your husband. Will your sibling back you up?

I agree with Kate - if your mother insists on moving back to her home, it should be with a clear understanding of what you are willing and able to do.  If you say you will only be able to visit once a week, and not assist with things like food shopping or medical appointments, then she will have to figure out a way to manage those.  All the arguments you make regarding your own retirement years are completely valid.  Unfortunately, when our parents reach the point in life where illness takes over, they are not able to see things from any perspective but their own.  Hang in there and be strong. 

Marcy

Thanks, Kate & Marcy, I really appreciate your responses. I just found out today that my Mom never intended assisted living as a permanent solution. She just thought it would be a good solution through the surgery! I can't believe she conned all of us like this. I am so hurt because our whole family bent over backwards to find the best place, make sure they could be together, moved them in & spent weeks getting everything just like she wanted it. She had told me they were having their mail forwarded, but that isn't true either. She's been lying to me the whole time. Yes, my sibling will back me up as well as my children. What's funny is after her stroke, both the cardiologist & the cardiac surgeon told us and her that she could not take care of my Dad and assisted living was the answer and she told them yes, she thought it was time. We'll see what happens. Has anyone else had the experience of your parents lying to you like this? I have been keeping a log of what my Mom has asked me to do each day since they moved to the facility & you wouldn't believe it.

Trying to stay strong,

Deb

Deb,

I use the term "confabulated", rather than lying - my father would tell me tales about things that had happened to him (like the nurses where he lived never gave him his medications), or would tell me what I wanted to hear to keep me from hounding him.  If you read David Solie's book, How To Say It To Seniors, you might gain some insight about why they do it.  As long as your mother is still competent to make decisions, there is little you can do but stand by.  Perhaps you can ask her to delay making any decisions until you have all had time to think things through a little more.  At the very least, you are learning what not to do when the time comes for you and your husband to make some changes.  Good luck.

Marcy

Deb, Have you talked with your mother's doctors ?  She may appear okay but still have some damage in her brain from the stroke that is affecting her thought processes.  Or, she may be telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Or, she may be returning to what she has been all her life, a person who expects everyone to follow her commands--no matter what.  Not knowing your mom, I can't say what she has been like. Has she liked having her way ?  Does she still think of you as her little, obedient girl ?  Please don't  take offense at these questions.  You have to  look closely at your relationship. Its hard to stand up to someone you have always deferred to. Talk to her as an equal. Tell her your Dad needs the help available at the assisted living and you cannot, with a clear conscience, remove him from there. Its a hard, brave step to take but it focuses on him and not her shortcomings. Good luck !!

Hey Murphsmom,

No, I haven't talked to her doctors, but that's a great idea and I will follow up on it. I don't take offense to any of your questions....my Mom has always been the type to want her way & would manipulate anyone & any situation to get what she wants. And of course, her list of demands is never ending. It has always been a lot of pressure to deal with. You're absolutely right about telling her that my Dad needs the help available & that I can't agree to move him from there. Our family is considering having an "intervention" with my Mom to make it clear that we don't agree with this decision & we will not be "on call" for the many problems handled in the past. This is her decision and she'll have to figure it out. I hate to be that way, but if I don't take that stand I may as well quit my job & move in with them.