What Should I Do

Dear Nana1950,

How wonderful that you and your mother are so close, and that you would like her to live with you. It sounds like you can't force this decision. What you could do is initiate a bigger estate planning, long term care planning, advanced health care directive conversation. There is a great book called The Parent Care Conversation that might help you all have these conversations. That way you can help her think through the options and her preferences should she need additional care in the future. Hope that helps.

Judith,

"Thank-You" for your reply and I will certainly look up that book. We still haven't gotten over, nor I think we will ever, losing Daddy, but I try to instill in my Mom how Daddy would want us to be happy and try our best in what time we have left. Thank-You for caring to answer! : )

Nana...my mom lives with my sister but my sister works all day long so we invested in one of those life alert alarms that she wears. Of course, mom never takes a shower alone. Someone is always there in case of a fall. The life alert is something that she wears on her neck and if she pushes the button, someone comes on an intercom and asks if she is ok, and if there is no answer, they immediately call my sister or myself to go check on her. Then they contact emergency services. It's a good back up plan for when you are not around, if only until you can convince her to come live with you.

I also need to tell you that to have a parent living with you can be very confining so if and when the time comes, be sure that you have someone else lined up to care for mom when you want to get away.

Good luck to you.

PT,

Thank-You so much for writing! I will definately look into one of those life alert items, sounds perfect and will give me peace of mind.

Mom is very comfortable here, although I think she worries about putting us out, which she can tell isn't the case. But yes, I know there will be times when my husband & I will need some "Alone" time and will have to address that too. (I have a business in my home and most times Mom even helps me, so that is good)

Just knowing someone cares to write is amazing, and "Thank-You" again.

Nana...Sounds like you have some help with your mom being able to "work" with you. That's good too in that it keeps her busy. My mom seemed to just fall apart after Dad died and has gone downhill ever since. They were married 57 years and Dad's sole purpose in later years was to outlive Mom so she didn't ever have to be alone...and now we are coping with Mom's loneliness and her desire to "just die". It's really hard to watch. Anyway, this website was a Godsend to me when I needed it so I try to write when I think there is something I can contribute.
One of the issues with the life alert is making sure that your Mom will use it. Make sure she wears that every time she is up and around and there is a life alert that can go on the wall so even in the bathroom there can be some help. Good luck

Pt,

My parents were married 61 years. It's amazing what love our parents had isn't it? I so try to copy that, but their's was a special generation love. My Mom has lost about 40 lbs, fallen 2 times, and seems so frail in the last year. She doesn't go to the doctor, although I had to take her to mine to get the 6 stitches out from her last fall up home. (she had them put in in the ER). She does better when with us, whether a front or not I am not sure. Alone, she thinks alot. Up home she has no one. I call her many times a day, and actually watch tv shows with her on the phone at night. I think that helps. BUT mine Mom like yours seems like she feels is nothing without Daddy. I can only imagine what they are feeling. The finalness of it. I try to get her to remember all the good times. She has many crying spells, and I have accepted will never be as good as she was caring for Dadddy all those years. It's love, like our parents, that we can admire, respect and we can only do what we can for the remaining parent until they meet our Dad's again. So far, Mom hasn't spoken that she wishes to die. Alot of her friends are dying now and boy that is hard on her too. Thanks so much for being here for me to vent some...and I wish you the best with your Mom too! Keep in touch!

me

Hi, I just found this site and have enjoyed reading your posts because it sounds like you love your parents and are good "mentors" for others. As for me, I am interested in making the most out of my mom's three week visit. But like you, I have wanted my mom to move in with me, and she is resisting. So I was attracted to the title of this thread. How do I get my mom to want to move in with me? In mom's case, she would have to move 2,000 miles. My step dad of 37 years died six months ago and soon afterward, Mom was diagnosed with 31% demensia. She is not happy with her POA and complains on the phone that her life is lonely there. I've offered her to come live with me but she insists on only a visit. She is coming on a non-stop flight so I think she will be okay this trip, but due to confusion and anxiety, she may never travel alone after this. I would like her to stay with me three to six months so I can provide her with an optimum diet, regular exercise and a regular sleep schedule. I've thought of moving to her house but my daughter is having her first baby in two weeks. I can't leave my daughter and grand baby and Mom says she is so lonely at her home so I don't think she would be leaving particularly meaningful relationships. It seems to be habit and familiarity that keep her there. I certainly understand this but my concern is that she will become so disoriented within the next year that she will be sent to a memory care unit in a retirement village. I hate to think of my mom 2,000 miles away in a memory care unit. She already suffers with depression so I fear she would be really lonely and depressed if that happens.

The alternative healthcare providers that I have consulted with say that dementia can be stopped or slowed down. My goal is to stop Mom's dementia. I could see a possibility of her living with me for six months or a year, regaining her health, and then going back home.

While Mom is here for three weeks, I'm going to take her to the dentist to see if she has mercury in her fillings (because I have been informed that mercury over decades builds up and may cause dementia) and I want to help her detox from aluminum, food additives, household chemicals, etc. Do you think detoxification, plus excellent supplementation may stop her dementia? What can I do to convince her to stay here for three to six months? I need this much time to get her detoxified. I also want to mention that my daughter, with my new grandbaby, wants me to baby sit for her when/if she goes back to work. I would love to love them both, thus my screen name, "lovemboth*" Thanks for everything.....

lovemboth....try to find out why your mom is resistant to the move, and then try to dispel those anxieties. I think having a new baby around might make "mom" more willing to stay longer. But I would caution you, even though I am no expert, that if you are planning to care for a new baby and a mom with dementia, you may be asking for too much. Of course, I don't know how old your mom is or how incapacitated she is at this point. My mom is almost 87 and I know it would be difficult for me to care for both her and a new baby. And my mom does not suffer from dementia. But if your mom is still able to do for herself, it might be worth the effort and also you might consider enlisting some help to care for your mom if she moves in. As far as the food additives, etc. I cannot give you any advice. Good luck to you.

Loveemboth

I so understand your situation.

I agree with PT Cruzr that to babysit and take care of Mom will be so draining on you. I used to babysit my grandchildren (2 of them) and I was beat with just what a newborn needs. I feel the love you have and concern for your Mom. On the upside there are meds that do slow dementia. My inlaws both had altzheimers, my father in law before the drugs were out, and my mother in law having been able to take them and they did slow things down alot.

My mother has no dementia, and is a sweetie BUT she still won't listen to the possibility of coming to live with me BUT now comes and looks forward to 1 week a month. I have come to the realization that I have to respect her decision, and have left it that she is welcome to come here to stay anytime she wants (I just feel I put to much pressure on an already very sad little mind ..as she misses my Daddy so so much...even 1 yr past the date) This is the hard part. But then I think I wouldn't want to be pulled to go to my children's house, until I was ready.

What does her POA think? Are they involved in her life at all?

Keep in touch as I will on this post.

PT Cruzr, how nice that you (and Nana) replied--and so quickly too-- because my mom will be here in one week so I can use all the advice I can get. *:) (Thanks!) I've only just begun the thought of caregiving, and then only from long distance. Since my step-dad died (August '09) Mom and I have talked on the phone ALMOST every day. That has been my chosen method of "support" up to her coming to visit me. Now to reply to your thoughts: Mom is almost 79 and seems to change her reasons for hesitancy to a move, so I just try to dispel any anxiety. She still lives alone, although my brother who lives an hour away from her says he is ready to look into assisted living facilities. I've opted to request her move in with me instead. Mom has good days and bad days. On a good day, she is cheerful with minor short term memory lapses (there are s few things she never remembers). On a bad day (and these are more likely), she is depressed, has insomnia, is confused about dates, can't remember her grandchildren's names, and complains of inadequate diet, lonliness and boredom, etc. She can't drive, although the car sits in the garage (as a reminder of better days, I am sure?) I ask her questions to encourage her creativity, but nothing interests her like the TV (and then she gets bored of it). I appreciate your thoughts about caring for baby AND mom at the same time. I've thought about that too. However, if I do help with the care of my grand daughter, that will begin in a few months and then only part time. Mom is so excited about her new great grandchild that she wants to be here when the baby is born. I will just keep a positive hope for Mom to like it here. Perhaps the opportunity for her to build lasting relationships with my daughter and granddaughter (and my son in law, and other family here) will open up a new "chapter" in her life. Thanks for any thoughts you may share. Take care. Thank you very much.

Hi Nana, thank you for replying so soon. I posted to PT Cruz so hopefully you can read that so I don't repeat (much). It is encouraging to hear that there are meds that will slow this down. I am having a hard time accepting that it can't be stopped. That is why I want to try the alternative healthcare route. If we don't try, I shall always wonder...

I never thought my mom would get dementia, and now she is even being assessed for full blown Alzheimer's. The thought of losing her in this way is terribly sad to me. If she is diagnosed as such, I doubt my brothers will want her alone in her home much longer. It just seems right that she would join me, her only daughter. And as I mentioned in the other post, I think being near the baby would be good for her, and me. Like you, I have respect for our parent's decisions, but my acceptance seems complicated by my lingering concern. Decisions made now may have a lasting effect upon her daily life for years to come. Does she realize that?

I'm happy to read that your mom is a "sweetie." :) My mom is too on her "good days." You asked about her POA. There is tension there. I have suggested to mom that she request another one but my brother says that is not possible. He does however say that if Mom wants to come live with me, she can. We agreed to begin with the visit and will see how she likes it here. It's a big deal to move 2,000 miles from the home you've known for four decades; I certainly understand any reluctance to change. Thanks so much for keeping in touch. (By the way, this forum is very user friendly. I'm going to read an article now about 'Should one leave an Alzheimer's patient alone in a home?' This forum is helping me a lot so thanks to caring.com and to you too Nana, thanks for keeping in touch.)

Lovemboth,

Wanted to update you on why my Mom doesn't want to move here entirely yet. Today in talking, she mentioned that a friend asked her why she doesn't move down with me (remember I am 2 hrs away) and she said she told her that would mean giving up, and she doesn't want to. When I would ask her directly she never really said, so now I understand her more.

I always talked to my parents once a day. When Daddy passed we have a routine now that Mom calls me at 10 AM, I call her at 2:30 and 5:00....and at night I try to find shows that we can watch TV and our ears with permanent phones in them! LOL My husband is sooooo understanding about this.

We got tons of snow in PA and I couldn't get up this past weekend, the first in over a year. She was stocked up EXCEPT ran out of bread, so I called my childhood friend who lives next door and she got Mom the bread. I can't wait till SPRING!!!

My husbands parents both had altzheimers and I know what you are going through. I so admire your love for your Mother and HOPE that when she comes and sees her new Great Granddaughter that she wants to stay with you. There does come a time when it's better they are in a home for alzheimers patients. My girlfriend (the one that got Mom bread) had to finally put her mom in a lovely alzheimers unit placement and her Mom adjusted very well.....as at this point she doesn't really know her daughter except on rare occassions. BUT don't worry about the future, just enjoy your Mom with each second of each day.

I don't feel so alone with this site!!! God Bless it's Founder

Nana...Can I ask you a question....My mom lives with my sister but as I said before, my sister works and is sometimes gone from early morning to after dinner. My mom always has someone to get her dinner but my sister is not always there. Anyway, my sister has a den in her basement and she told me that mom said to her last night that she didn't like my sister to go down there. (I don't know why) but my question is ...when I go to mom's house, she has me do several things for her and then she will say to me....you can go now. And I leave ...but my sister gets a different story. My sister IS very busy but my mom seems to act very needy when my sister is there.
I have always been the daughter who was closest to mom but my sister has not and I was wondering if mom is feeling that the time is near and she would like to spend more time with my sister.
When I go to mom's, I generally spend 3-4 hours with her whereas my sister although being home is always on the run and very rarely sits down and talks with mom. I believe that my sister's priorities are different than mine because she works and needs to be available for work whereas I can be available more for mom.
Anyway, after talking with my sister, I told her that maybe mom feels time is getting short and she really wants to spend some quality time with my sister.
I know the time must be getting short as mom is getting weaker and weaker but I don't know how to think about this. I call my mom every day and am with her usually 4 out of 5 days during the week and sometimes on the weekend. I kind of hope that my sister "takes time to smell the roses" before the time is gone.
Mom used to be so much fun that it's very hard to watch this. I don't want to get old and put my kids through this.....

PT,

I honestly think that your Mom just needs your sister to spend more time with her and isn't getting that, like from you. Maybe your sister could sit aside some "JUST MOM" time when she has the time to say watch a favorite TV program with her or maybe they share a hobby, like crocheting. They really ask for so little time with us, to make them happy.

I don't think she feels the time is close, just maybe a little lonely living with your sister and maybe feeling like more of a bother then a family member. I know your sister might not even realize that, as I am sure she is good to her. I watch (long distance on the phone) Iron Chef and QVC (which I would rather not lol) but do so to make Mom being alone alot less lonely, and it makes her happy.

Believe me, your Mom loves you deeply. You keep doing what your doing, and when the day comes that you don't have her anymore, you can at least know that you did your best, and I know you are.

Our mothers lives have changed alot. We have to accept the "NEW MOM", different role now, we kinda are the Mom figure. My Mom lived during the depression and birthday parties etc were unheard of (same when my Daddy was living) and we try to make them extra special for them.

It's very hard to see them aging, getting weaker, but at lease we have them. And you really hit a nerve when you said about us getting old. I just celebrated my 60th birthday. Pretty good shape for an old gal lol....but I seem to keep thinking, GULP it's going to get maybe rough in a very few years. My husband (who is 52) and I are about to celebrate our 30th anniversay and he is diabetic and has many issues with that. I see age creeping into him as well.

BUT......I think God every day for each second and each minute and enjoy it to the fullest. I work in my home with my husband and Mom helps with stuffing envelopes etc when she is here.

AND I thank God for people like you, and those on this site.....it sure helps!

Nana...Thanks for answering....I guess I just needed some support for my belief that my sister needs to spend a little more time with mom. I am so very afraid of making my sister feel guilty and without my sister's ability to have mom in her home, she would be in a nursing facility. My sister thinks that she is spreading herself so thin that she doesn't have enough time for anything but I think she needs to slow down. Life goes by so quickly and if you never rest enough to enjoy it, you miss it all. My mom is always asking my sister to rest a little but my sister can't or won't. I'm a little afraid for my sister's health and have been for some time. Running as fast as you can is not the best way to live in my opinion and I keep trying to help lighten the load for her but it's never enough. It's really difficult....this caring for mom....but with both of us doing it, the load should be a little lighter. Plus it seems that the only way my sister can slow down is by going away (which doesn't help mom's feeling of being abandoned) Anyway, thanks for listening.