'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by aaapattie @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

aaapattie — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 20:42:25 -0000

We took in my folks in Sept 2005. Dad died Mar 08, Mom died Aug 08. It was the absolute hardest time of my life. I wouldn't haven't missed it for the world.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by pat62 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

pat62 — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:54:31 -0000

I took my mother in last year. she stayed for a month and i couldnt take it anymore. She never liked me in the first place, but since I am the only kid she has that works a ful time job she thought I was the perfect candidate for her abuse. She has health issues and refuses to see a doctor. My brother is her favorite and he got into trouble with gang-related garbage so she figured moving in with me would be safer. I still feel guilty for sending her back to her own home, but I had no choice. I cant work a full time job and wait on her hand over foot. She needs to see a physician and I am working on that even though she wont answer the door when i go to her house to check on her. My mother is in need of serious health care and I dont know what to do to help her. I have been thinking about seeing a judge.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Mike Kephart @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mike Kephart — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:46:52 -0000

I just finished reading the comments that have come following the original posting about Payback for the support that our parents gave us. The thing that struck me in all of these comments is the black and white choices everyone has struggled with, Move mom in with us or not. nobody has discussed other housing alternatives, many of which probably would be better for some families than bringing a parent into the same house with your family.

Assisted living is very expensive at $3,000 to $6,000 per month and may be inappropriate for a healthy senior. Independent living facilities can be somewhat less expensive and offer a rich palate of social interaction opportunities that could be just the thing for some individuals. There are also an endless variety of small group homes that can be found in your neighborhood. Just ask around, they don't often advertise. These could be less expensive but safe and socially more suited to your loved one. Finally a solution we offer with our Sidekick homes accessory dwelling units is a cottage in your backyard. These cottages can provide independence for a senior while safely under your watchful eye. The separate nature of an Accessory Dwelling versus an addition or worse yet putting father in a spare bedroom is the key to the success of this alternative housing form.

Add up the cost of each alternative housing type and compare for yourself. The $36,000 to $72,000 per year spent on assisted living can go a long way in paying for one of the other housing alternatives at a fraction of that amount. You can even buy that cottage in the backyard with the savings in just two or three years and have a fine rental house or guest suite when mom or dad move on. You can find us at <www.sidekickhomes.com>

Mike Kephart

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by teddy1972 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

teddy1972 — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:24:37 -0000

My kids (16 and 9), myself and my fiance moved in with my father a little over a year ago. For a few months it was fine, then all of the sudden my father did nothing but complain about everything my children do or my fiance do. It's hard because he doesn't say things to me, he complains about my children to my fiance calling them names...these are his grandchildren!! It is really hard because he can't take care of himself 24/7 and needs to move (which he refuses to do) in order to be more self sufficient. I am the youngest of his children and my older siblings don't want anything to do with him because he is so mean. He is NEVER wrong, buts into conversations that have nothing to do with him...something he is always on my children about. He tries to give me parenting advice...well 5 out of his 7 children haven't talked to him in over a year...not sure he is the one to tell me how to raise mine. He is so mean and bitter. I hate going home at night. The anxiety over everything is starting to make me ill. Any advice would be great!!! Someone please help!!

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by lorid @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

lorid — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:30:35 -0000

My 70 year old dad came to stay with us for a month and while he was here he straightend up the house and swept the porch so he felt useful around the house.

He went and bought a few things at the grocery store a couple of times trying to make my life easier. I wouldn't care if he moved things around without asking my husband and I all I care about is that he is with us and he is safe.

My dad has since went back to Idaho driving himself during a snow storm which didn't make me very happy. He is suppose to wrap up some things and come back to live with us so we are now looking for a 3 bedroom house so he will have his own room which is going to put more pressure on my husband and I but this is my dad and I would do anything for him. To many kids grow up and forget that their parents made sacrafices for us so isn't it time we repaid them?

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by lorid @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

lorid — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:30:34 -0000

My 70 year old dad came to stay with us for a month and while he was here he straightend up the house and swept the porch so he felt useful around the house.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by INGODWETRUST @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

INGODWETRUST — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:46:39 -0000

I had no choice...............I'm the youngest of 2 and well my sister didn't want any part in it so I was left..........since my fathers past on, my mother remains with me and now my husband and I must say it's very hard.............It has been since both my parents live "with me". My mother doesn't respect the fact that this is NOT her house............but her home. She acts as those it's hers and puts things and moves things around.......without consulting with my husband and I.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Rilera @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Rilera — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:29:26 -0000

Judy, I can relate. I find that if I just let it roll off my back and say, Oh, I'm sorry, things are much better. If your Mom has Alzheimer's it could just be the disease making her act up.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Rilera @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Rilera — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:26:27 -0000

If you're are considering moving your parents in with you consider how you are going to split expenses. In fact, after consulting with an elder law attorney I learned that I should probably have drawn a contract up between Mom and me when we moved in together. If at some point she spends down her assets and applies for Medicaid, they look back 60 months (5 years) to see how the money has been spent and if good records weren't kept then they could decide that the money has not in fact been spend down yet.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Pat-1 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Pat-1 — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:16:43 -0000

My grandpa and my uncle ended up acting as if they hated one another. My dad was a bit stand offish because the relationship soured so much, so quickly.

I thought it would get worse when we needed a caregiver from an agency to come in and help out (my grandpa needed more hands-on care, and my uncle needed respite). It actually got better. As the owner of a home-care company, I thought it would be a nightmare introducing someone else into this dynamic (I have seen it 1000 times). Not so in this case.

My grandpa always amazed me.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Lisa B @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lisa B — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:03:53 -0000

" Sounds like what you're saying isthat what your parents say is much more a reflection on them than on you. "

YES! That is a great way to put it and it's definitely worth remembering!! It's hard not to take things personally.

Judy- My mom is the SAME way about "pouting for days" after a disagreement. Drives me nuts.

Lisa

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Kirby F @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Kirby F — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 04:33:11 -0000

Guys,

Sounds like you're both saying that you just have to learn that what your parents say is much more a reflection on them than on you.

This is advice I can use every day, in many situations.

Thanks for helping me imagine what it might be like to have my parents move in. I feel like I'm getting the wisdom without any of the cost. Lucky me.

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Judy-2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Judy-2 — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 18:07:51 -0000

Lisa,, wow! I feel your pain! My mom was always a very good cook and very particular about how it was fixed...I never enjoyed cooking around her because she was so picky. Sooooo,, here I am cooking for them every day. It is so hard,, I can never get it right. (being the baby of the family). Even the instant oatmeal is too thick or too thin. : ) I have spent many hours bawling after a meal... it is getting better,, I have learned to just keep quiet and do my thing.. With my mom there is no picking battles,,, there cant be any. : ) She will pout for days if I disagree with her about anything.. best to just be quiet. I have found that just a simple "ok",, will pretty much calm her. Then I go about doing what I gotta do..

'What is your biggest piece of advice? ' posted by Lisa B @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lisa B — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 02:35:31 -0000

What do you feel is the biggest tip or piece of advice for others who have a parent or other loved one living in their home? While I believe books and articles are an amazing resource, some of the best advice I've gotten in life is from others who have been in similar situations.

For me, the best piece of advice that I was given was "pick your battles". This one took me a LONG time to "get". For example, my mom had very set ideas of how certain household chores should be done and would insist her way was the only right way to do it. It drove me crazy to feel like I had to all of a sudden switch to her way of doing things or risk a "head-butting" conversation about it with her. I found myself saying WAY too many times " We've managed to run a household for xxxx years before you moved in, I'm pretty sure we know what we're doing! " But over time, I realized that I had to let the small stuff go and pick/save my battles for the larger issues such as privacy time or money matters. It was hard- at one point I had to write little notes to myself such as "It's JUST dishes", to remind myself to not waste my energy on bickering over the small things.

I would love to hear your tips and advice!

Lisa

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