What are your living arrangements?

We had to make HUGE changes. My husband and I sold our small condo and had to buy another house (we had sold our big house 5 years before). We bought a 3 bedroom home, My Dad can't nogotiate the stairs,so, we made the dining room his bedroom. We are planning in putting up doors in the near future. We wre lucky that the house has a bath with a shower just a few steps away. One of the bedrooms upstairs my husband uses as his private T.V. room (so he doesn't have to fight with Dad over the remote). We have doubled our mortgage payments and more than tripled our utilities and food bill. It's kind of kind of scarey in this economy.

Wow, you're right- those are some major changes! Any kind of move is stressful and even more so when it results in a rise in mortgage payments. I can definitely relate to the tripling of the utilities bill- that was something I was unprepared for. I didn't realize how much of an impact just one person would have on the bills!

I'm glad your husband has his own T.V. room- sharing a remote with someone else is NOT fun. How are you coping with the TV situation? Do you usually just watch whatever your husband does or are you not a big tv person to begin with?

Lisa

Initially we refinished our lower level to be an apartment with a kitchen, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, living room and laundry room for my grandparents..My grandfather had cancer and was in the hospital and my grandmother took one of the kids rooms while we spent our weekends for almost a year building the apartment for them..My grandfather died of cancer and so it was just my grandmother and she loved her apartment..She stayed there for years until her health became so bad that we had to move her upstairs again into our master bedroom and change the bathroom so that I could easily get her in the shower to bathe her daily..

She lived in the master bedroom for quite a few years and we moved into the next largest bedroom..

It was a great set-up because she had her own bathroom and we had a lift chair for her to sit in and watch TV in her room..

For a while we actually had grandma, our 2 kids, my sister, a granddaughter and a son-in-law all living with us at the same time..Full house was an under statement...lol

The bills were high but both my sister and my grandma, on an attorneys advise payed us $100. a month..I took grandmas money and put it in a seperate acct in case she would need it later..

I eventually paid part of my grandfathers medical bills with it because the small amount of social security she got wouldn't cover the high bills from his treatments..

My kids grew up with their great grandmother living with us so to them it was a normal thing..

She would play games with them and they loved having her there..

When she got really bad I had to quit my job because she couldn't stay alone and that was a big transition for us to get used to paying all the bills on only one salary..

Grandma died last Sept and its so strange  not having her with us.. I miss her so much but it was her time to go and she is in a better place now...

Kudos to all of you who have taken the big step to care for your loved ones in your home. I've seen all types of living scenarios. I think the most important thing is - Do what works. That's it. Don't worry what others think. Adjust what you would have thought before this. Just do what works.

I lived in my family room for two years while recovering from a life-changing 'event.'  If you have the money to make changes, do so. But if not, make do. I think it is more important to that person that you are taking them in, rather than that they get their own 'in-law' apartment or their own bedroom. I think we take space for granted in our society. If you look at other cultures in the world, multiple generations share the home and bedrooms. Give yourself permission (and a pat on the back) to do what works.

I was living in an apartment and my father in condo, when i decided he needed care.  I had him sell his condo and I bought a three bedroom house.   i have what is called the split plan.  I have the master bedroom on one side of the house which I use.  I then turned the other two rooms on the other side of the house for him.  He has his own bedroom, den and bathroom.  It has worked out well for us.  We have lived together for about 10 years...

Cindy57 You and your family are awesome! And in my limited experience not the norm.

Now maybe you have glossed over the resentment of lives interrupted? Or maybe I just know negative people. Including my husband,.

I can not say it is perfect as it has curtailed my life, but I would do it again.   He is a good person and if he would just stop saying the same thing over and over, it would not be so bad.  I do sometimes loose my temper, but it is not often.  I also have arranged my life so I can handle this.  I have never married and do not have children so it is not as bad as it would be for someone who has a family also to take care of.   I also have a little bit of help from my sister who lives close by and will take him to Dr. Apts for me since I work full time and she does not.

That is wonderful, Bonbask! I like the idea of having a house with a split plan. That's definitely something to consider when we purchase our next house. I had to chuckle when you mentioned him saying the same things over and over- that absolutely drives me nuts too! :)

I went through a divorce last winter so I moved in with my 89 year old mother.  In August I decided to buy my own home and she wanted to come with me.  I was glad to have her come since I knew that she could no longer be alone all the time.  I bought a three bedroom home and we made these arrangements.  She could have her pick of the bedroom she wanted.  She chose the middle sized room for her bedroom so I took the large bedroom.  I took the 3rd bedroom and made it into a sitting room/parlor for my mother.  We put her couch, her recliner, her tv and some of her other furniture in it.  We decorated the walls with her pictures and things that she had in her home.  This has helped to give each of us some space where we both can be alone or else we can spend time together.  She is legally blind and listens to books on tape from the blind library.  This room gives her privacy and she has her "things" around her that make her feel like she is home.  So far, it has worked out wonderful for both of us.

Hello -- I am relly new to this (forgive me if I sound whiney!). My mother, 79, has Alzheimers but had bee nliving alone --- care was shared between myself, husband, and daughter in rotation, but still not 24 hours a day. Three days a week I would take her to an Adult Day Center, and we alternated picking her up as well. Two weeks ago (for the FIRST time) she wandered out of her home at 3 am -- that is when we began staying with her 24-hours a day, while looking into nursing home facilities. After a week and "Closed Doors", I brought her to my home. Well, 5 days ago she fell, and the ER E-Ray indicated a fracture...BUT they would not admit her. I proceeded to her primary care doctor, who referred me to an Orthopedic Surgeon. Oh, the primary card MD said he could not recommend even TEMPORARY Nursing/Rehab, but he Ortho MD would do that. Well, the Ortho MD slighted it back to the PC MD. Spoke to the PC MD this morning via phone, who said HE could not do that since he did not treat the fracture, but he DID suggest I take her to another ER at a different hospital to see if THEY would write order or at least admit her for three days.....I am so baffled!

My mother "forgets" she has hurt her leg, and at night (if I make the mistake of falling asleep -- which I have) she has removed the brace, and then bends the knee and cries out with pain then --- I have explained this to the MD but unbelievably his response was 'a different ER'?

I started with an APOLOGY for the whining -- I am just amazed. I am seeking a Geriatrics MD now, and feel that I have been so wrong for so long in the care that I have let facilitate with her current PC MD.?.?.?

I PROMISE -- no more post where I WHINE -- Sorry!

I have a "mother-in law" suite built just for my parents that is separated from my part of the house

by a breezeway, entry.  This works very well as we both feel like we have out own lives to life.

However, the smells are awful!!!  Can anyone help????!!!!

I too notice smells sometimes.  Older people do not want to bathe and change their clothes when they need too.  I set down some rules that the clothes are completely changed every day and put in the clothes hamper.  I do a  small load of wash each day to keep the laundry up. A bath every other day (if health permits) is taken and garbage cans are emptied at least once a day and sometimes more.  My mother's bathroom is cleaned quite often and sprayed with lysol or something that does not smell too sticky sweet.  I also open the doors to our home each day and try to air it out so that the smells don't remain and go stale.  Fresh air is good for everyone even if you have to put on a sweater for a while.  Good lucki!!!

Have you read that sometimes the elderly lose sharpness of smell? And they grew up in a time where daily bathing was unheard of and wasteful.

Both of those are good points that I hadn't thought about.  I think that is why as caregivers we have to step up to the plate and help them be their best.  I know that my mother would not like to have an offensive ordor about her because over the years she has told me how bad she feels for elderly people that develop this and she does not want to be one.  My mother seems to be alright with the rules, or guidelines might be a better word for it, that I try to help her to follow so that she will maintain the dignity that she has always had.

When my mom was alive, we had a talk about this. She was having hygiene issues, but she did not live with me. Not even in the same state. But when I visited. Anyway, eventaully she went into nursing care. A lot of times I go over  what I coulda/shoulda/woulda...........but you have to take into account a person's personality...........This is assuming that they have not had it robbed from them by Alzheimer's or some mental illness, etc.,............Because if I pressed TOO hard about her offending others, which to a point was a good tack to take, Mommy would just decide to leave her apartment less! Then you are worried about them sitting alone, unclean, in isolation! Her brother, my uncle ended up more this way, and only blossomed in a personal care home! I think that "peer pressure" for lack of a better term, works better for us. If there are others of the same age......in their living area, church group, sewing circle, bridge club...........something.THEY advise, WE nag!! LOL

If they are incontient you can make good use of those disposable pads, the flat kind that you can lay under them in the bed and under them in a chair. I actually started using an old pillow with a plastic cover and just changed the pillow case often.

Also carpet really holds the smells so if you can afford to have it removed and put down a floor that can be mopped that helps or you just need to have the carpet cleaned often.

All of the fabrics in a room can hold on to smells so you get the point.

Mattress covers, chair covers that type of thing.

Auntie M~ Sorry it took me so long to answer your question but we really didn't have much resentment. Probably because she was able to do for herself for a while and the care slowly increased so I guess that made it easier to get used to.

We cared for her for over 20 years so it was just a normal part of life for us.

Thats not to say that we never got upset with each other but I think that is a normal thing that happens in any relationship.

There was more resentment with my sister than inside my home. She wasn't the type that could care for people and she resented that I could. She would tell me that she talked to her pastor at church and asked for forgiveness and that she was forgiven for not helping me with grandma. Funny thing is that I can only remember asking for her help twice and both times she said no.

Kudos to all of you!!

Hugs

Cindy57: This is not a fashionable point of view, but sometimes in life, there are SHOULDS. Your sister SHOULD have helped you out more often, even if she did not like to do it. I hope her pastor told her that before her "forgiveness". Oh, and if it was a BROTHER, I say the same thing. Always something to help with that is appropriate. (I am an only, so this is all theory for me!! ...LOL)

AuntieM,

I know but shoulda, woulda, coulda doesn't help. We gotta do what we gotta do and saying that, it was easier to let it go than to hold anger.

One of my favorite sayings is "We can't change other people, we can only change the way we deal with them. You can't make someone do anything they don't want to do"Staying angry is like taking poison and hoping that it hurts the other person. In the long run it only hurts me.

I have more annoying sayings but I won't put you through any more...lololol

Funny thing is that if my brother was still here, he would have helped. He was that kind of person but he died years earlier.