'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Taura_Krise @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Taura_Krise — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 18:02:55 -0000

Hello, Everyone!

This is Taura, following up after 2 years of my husband and I living with and caring for my Dad, my Mom (86) and my Aunt (82). Whew! What a wild, sad, exhausting, fulfilling, thankless, "RIGHT", humbling job it's been.

Sadly, my father lost his battle with cancer and passed away 2 months ago. I miss him terribly, but, am comforted by the fact that I got to spend as much as time with him as I did during the last 2 years of his life.

He and I often were able to wake up and have breakfast together, or, go out to lunch or coffee in conjunction with his many doctor's appointments. I was lucky to be able to say "Goodnight, Dad. Sleep well." many more times that I would have been able to had we not been living together.

My mother fell in January 2010 and broke her shoulder. This, coupled with a too-long, over-medicated stay in a rehab facility and compounded by her dementia / Alzheimer's has hastened her decline in a BIG way. She is now completely wheelchair / bed bound, and is more than a DOUBLE handful to take care of. Like many folks who are going through what she's going through, she's confused, mean, argumentative, sometimes violent, and REALLY out of it most of the time. That said, I somehow manage to survive the madness ... 10 minutes at a time. =o)

My developmentally disabled Aunt, who is now 82, is a complete pleasure to take care of. She's happy, helpful, and has the biggest heart in the world. Although she needs a lot of help with day-to-day activities, she is no real trouble at all. It's her that I feel for the most, as she is often that target of my mother's abusive, intentionally hurtful remarks. I explain to her that her sister is sick and that she doesn't mean it, but, I know her heart is broken just the same.

I've had to quit my job (a $70k a year loss in income, yikes!), but, thankfully -- ahead of schedule -- we were able to pay of the $120k building expenses and the appliances, fixtures, carpet, windows, etc in just under 2 years. Boy, was that tough! I don't think we spent an extra cent on ANYTHING unnecessary for the entire 2 years!

It's a very, VERY hard thing to live WITH your parents as an adult ... and, I won't say that every day has been easy. Some days have been downright HORRIBLE, emotionally. But, the time we've been able to spend together more than makes up for the hard times we've all had to suffer due to personality conflicts and silly stuff like that. Did I mention that my husband is a saint?! =o)

I know there are many ways to handle the care-giving gig, and mine, although far from perfect, is the best way for me to handle it right now.

I hope that this finds you all doing well and hanging in there as best you can.

Much Love and Understanding, Taura

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Mary N. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mary N. — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:10:14 -0000

We share a duplex with my parents and handicapped sister. The intent was for us to be able to ease my sister's anxiety by having us near when the transition comes and she lives with us, but it has turned out that my folks have needed the most care over the years. They are still able to live in their half of the house, but I do most the cooking, and cleaning and I drive them to their appointments. I think it has helped that I've been right here and that I've been able to step into the role gradually.

My Mother-in-law sounds a lot like your Father-in-law. My sister-in-law offered for her to live with them after a couple of falls and she refused. We all took turns calling, grocery shopping and such, but she stopped eating right and we were unsure if she was taking her meds. She finally agreed to participate in a county program that came in to clean and accepted Meals on Wheels coming.

Finally she fell the night before Thanksgiving and we were called to her apartment by the alarm company(thank goodness for that device). There ar several siblings and we called them all and said as hard as it was, she couldn't safely live alone anymore as she could barely walk. She refused to live with anyone, so one sister found a nice nursing home near her and that is where she is.

It turned out her adament stubborness was a mild demntia. Combine that with her unintential misuse of her meds and lack of eating, she was not herself. She doesn't love the nursing home, but she is definitely in better health since being there.

Jaded heart, I hope it doesn't come to that for your in laws, but you are so right that it is their choice. I wish you all the best.

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by jaded_heart @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

jaded_heart — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 02:47:55 -0000

I'm envious of how well you all are able to accomodate everybody's needs. Wish I had a similar talent. Living arrangements in our family where our aging parents are concerned have ranged from fairly easy to impossible. My father was left blind and brain injured about ten years ago after an anyurism burst in his brain, he survived about seven years and was cared for at home. With Dad, as long as he was physically able to travel (until the last six months), he spent every other week at my house by choice. I live 100 miles from his home and he traveled back and forth at will. He rather enjoyed it. I think it allowed him to hold onto a touch of freedom and control plus it kept him and Mom from going stir crazy couped up together all the time because he did require 24/7 care for over seven years.

My ailing mother-in-law is an entirely different story. My father-in-law refuses to allow us to help ... it's obvious he's terrified of giving up his choices and is determined to go out on his own terms. Unfortunately we're 200 miles from my in-laws and since our assistance is unwelcomed to the point of hostility it has become increasingly difficult to even visit. My father-in-law will go put the padlock on the yard shed if he knows we are coming to prevent my husband from giving their neglected property any attention while we're there. They're well aware that I've been a nurse for over 25 years, yet my father-in-law is all but combative if I attempt to care for my ailing mother-in-law in even the simplest way (getting her a glass of juice can send him into fits) ... and the fact that she asks for me whenever her condition worsens or she becomes frightened makes him crazy. It's become so painful for my husband that I now have noticed him making excuses not to go and as bad as I want to resist the temptation because I feel we're neglecting them, I can't stop myself from giving in to some of his excuses to put off a visit for yet another week, then another. My husband is resistant to visits but my son all but refuses ... each time he comes home on leave he says he wants to see them then manages not to have the time. I intend to make him go when he comes home for Christmas, his last visit before deploying to Iraq, because I fear they won't be here by the time he comes home from the war.

The stress is horrible and understanding the dynamics behind everybody's behaviors in this situation does little to alleviate the strain on all of us. The bottom line is that my in-laws are both still competent and they are barely able to function well enough to provide for their own needs BUT they still are doing it. Simply put, the choices are theirs to make. Obviously they want to remain my husband's parents, not his charges or dependants, and intend to stubbornly do so as long as it remains in their power. We just wish we could find a way to ease their burden (and no, they won't let us hire help for the house and yard, we already tried that). Any ideas besides lots of therapy (for us, not them) and prayer?

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Lisa B @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lisa B — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:48:36 -0000

Wow, Taura! I am really amazed and impressed with all that you and your husband have done! We considered insulating our garage at one point also, due to pure lack of space. You guys have done that and so much more! I'm sure your parents and aunt really appreciate having their "own" space- kudos to you! Thanks for coming by and sharing your story. :)

Lisa

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Taura_Krise @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Taura_Krise — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:53:16 -0000

Hello, everyone! I just thought I'd share my "living arrangements" situation with everyone.

First, a little background: I am an only child (married with no children), and am primary caregiver to my 90 year-old dad, 85 year-old mom and 80 year-old developmentally disabled aunt.

My mother is very alert and pretty mentally clear for her age. She is physically healthy but is VERY stressed out. Recently (over the last year or so) she is beginning to show very early signs of dementia. (We have a Dr. Appt. next week.)

My father is sharp as a tack, but has a lot of medical issues. He is currently living with recently-diagnosed bladder cancer. He has chosen (with my mom and I supporting his decision) to NOT undergo any heroic surgeries (bladder removal, etc) due to his age. He will, instead, "live with the cancer" in the hope that he will not be too terribly uncomfortable in the end.

Also, my mom took on the responsibility of primary caregiver to her develpomentally disabled sister over 45 years ago. Now, my mom is physically unable to perform the tasks required of her in that role ... and, at 85, who would want her to?! My aunt, although unable to perform any advanced tasks (cooking, dressing, showering, etc) is very physically healthy. She needs guidance, assistance and supervision on a 24/7 basis.

=====

Living arrangements:

Last year, in January, we had a series of family discussions about "what happens next?" when everyone gets older, more ill and more unable to care for themselves. After MANY discussions (a few of them quite heated!), we agreed as a family that we would prefer that all (3) "parents" stay in their current environment, the family home. This, of course, came after quite a few visits to assisted living facilities ... which, one by one, we're rejected as an option, for various reasons.

So, in July 2007, we began a remodeling project in my parent's single-story home. They stayed with my husband and I in our 2-bedroom, 2-story townhouse for 5 months while the heavy construction took place. Whew! That was tough! My dad slept on our VERY comfy couch ... he had the best deal, I think! He was close to the fridge and close to a bathroom. What more could a guy want?! My mom and aunt (because of my aunt's disability) slept together in our master bedroom. My husband and I slept on a not-very-comfy futon in our shared office. Let me just say it's a REALLY good thing that we all get along! =o) The quarters were cramped, and, not having ever lived anywhere else other than the family home for 45 years, my parents were real troopers!

Our goal with the remodeling project was to create 2 seperate living areas that would allow everyone a small measure of privacy. We also wanted to spend as little money as possible on the remodel, because the goal was also to pay it off QUICKLY (within 3 years)! This way, if my parents needed ever-increasing care, I would be able to quit my job and devote myself full-time to their care without any of us feeling a financial pinch ... and without my husband feeling any of the burden of providing intimate care to my family.

Although it was heartbreaking for my mom, after doing the financial calculations, we decided that the most cost-effective method of giving everyone enough breathing room was to convert the existing "formal living and formal dining room" (covered in plastic and never used!) in to a bedroom and bathroom. Also, the 2-car garage was insulated, the floor was raised and insulated, and is now fit for use as a small sitting room / dining area / kitchenette / laundry room for my husband and I.

We were also able to do some creative re-decorating, and we moved my parent's "fancy" furniture in to the main portion of the house and re-cycled the "old" stuff for use in our new "kitchenette / sitting room" area. Now, my mom is enjoying her beautiful furniture every day and is actually quite thrilled with her "new home"!

Of course, my husband and I had our own place and years of accumulated "stuff" to deal with. We were also acutely aware of the fact that all of our "stuff" was simply that! We had very little problem with donating virtually ALL of our furniture and miscellaneous stuff to charity. We even had a few days of "give it to the neighbors!" where we would move a TON of stuff outside to the driveway with a big 'FREE' sign and watch it all walk away! Of course, I was a TEENSY bit pained to be giving away some favorite items, half of my library (ouch!) or some of my rather expensive antiques, but, in a strange way, it was also liberating!

So, we're all under one roof now. The parents don't really need us here 24/7 ... YET. But, we're just a walk down the hallway should they need us for anything. Also, this arrangement has allowed us some "breathing room" and an opportunity to PLAN in advance for a time when things will surely get more difficult. I'm still working full-time, as is my husband. He and I are paying off the $80,000 remodeling expense as quickly as possible. This way, when I need to quit my job and switch gears, we wil have no financial obligations aside from food and utilities, which my husband will more than be able to handle. This will also allow my husband and I to continue to put money in our savings account and will ensure that my parents personal money is more than enough for them to live out the rest of their lives, without the need for assisted living expenses and the like. This is the plan, anyway!

We all officially moved in in January of 2008, and we're all quite happy! Of course, now that I'm here, there are inevitably many more things that need attention, simply because I am so convenient! But, I really don't mind. I am trying my very best to give my parents the unconditional love and support that they always gave me. And, of course, my husband is a SAINT! We're childless by choice, but, we can see that the road ahead could very well become exhausting!

Anyway ... that's how we're doing it! Comments / suggestions welcome!

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Lisa B @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lisa B — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:08:20 -0000

Hello! Welcome to our "Living Arrangements" group. Choosing the best living arrangement option for both your parent and your family can be tough. Here you'll find a supportive place to to post questions as well as share advice and support to others who are facing similar circumstances and decisions.

If you're new to our Community, please take a moment to review our Caring.com's Code of Conduct. These guidelines will help you sucessfully participate in our groups.

So, let's get talking! Feel free to reply to an existing post or start a new discussion of your own.

Lisa

Recent Posts in 'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' | Caring.com

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Taura_Krise @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Mary N. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by jaded_heart @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Lisa B @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Taura_Krise @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

'Welcome to Living Arrangements ! ' posted by Lisa B @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}