Oh man, what a tough situation, David.  I'm so sorry that your family is dealing with this.  I'm really hopeful that your dad has a full, or very close to it, recovery.

If your dad is cognitively competent, I would absolutely talk to him about the situation.  He may have some really solid opinions on the situation!  It's funny because I've been in circumstances where I was sure my parents wanted me to make a decision for them, but when I talked to them about it, they ended up feeling the exact opposite of what I was going to do!  You just never know, I guess. 

It sounds like your mom is in denial.  Has she been around your dad a lot during his recovery?  Do you think she's under the impression that he'll recover and life will go on for them as it had been before? 

Hi Missy: Thank you. Yes, Mom is so in denial about so many things. She goes from talking about him as passing away soon to 'when he comes home I'll be ok'. When she visits him she talks to him like a baby..'have you done your exersises today honey'...etc. They seem to have little to say to each other as I feel Dad has given up on her. A kind of 'I still love her, but hate her so much'. She find's nothing 'good' about each place Dad has been in even though they are the best. To her, they are all old people and sick. Everyone to her is on the take and even said about my brother 'well, we've helped him when he needed money'...etc. She is such a nasty person, no one wants to be near her. She has inprissioned my Dad all these years as we find out how much the neighbors and golfing guys of Dad love and care about him, but not her. It's so sad. Even family wont call her and she mentions this all the time (all about her again) But when they did call it was nothing but doom and goom and about her even though Dad is getting better. She is on major pain medications and I've tried to get everyone to understand how that works on the brain, but still, her actions are just so rude. I fear she has Picks disese. I knew we all would have to take this 'walk' with our parents, but I never thought it would be so ugly and painfull for all.

David, I'm so sorry. Please do let us know how things are progressing for you.

Hi LauraL,

Thanks for your empathy. (Sigh) where do I begin to update you, as so much has happened. As the weeks have gone by my Dad is improving and getting many uses back of his left arm, leg & conversation etc. Rehab people see a very good recovery for him. However, Mom does not see it and is still wishing that they ‘both’ could just die. She prays to her God to take her and her husband so she won’t be alone (her words). In the interim she has told both my Sister and Brother to get the ‘blank’ out her house. In addition she slapped my Brother across the face. Now that we are all there helping her and dad, we’ve discovered some ugly things about what has been going on in that house. My Mom is a Malignant Narcissist along with her Picks type dementia and other health problems. She refuses to see other Doctors that may help her. She has been abusing my Dad emotionally (and maybe even physical) for some time. She has kept him a virtual prisoner in his own home, no friends, no outside life, all about Mom. We believe he is scared of her and is your typical battered husband. He knows what’s going on back home and says give him time to convince Mom that assisted living is the answer. Sadly he seems to have backed down and their visits together are just sitting there with Mom talking about the same things each time as he watches TV. But when others are there he’s all conversation and such. Dad knows that they can’t remain in the house like they were, nor does he want to. He has planned for this; unfortunately it was for her to need the great insurance he has. He has the ability to move into an assisted living apartment with insurance paying for 4 years and between there SSS income hardly cost them anything and sell the house for more income later. He would have other people in his life as he is liked by so many.Now Mom thinks us kids want the house and the money. She says she’ll just hire people to come to the house and spend all the money and then go to the poor house. Well, let me tell you that would happen fast at what it costs for 24/7 care. We have to protect Dad and the assets they both have worked so hard for. She doesn’t think of anyone but herself and her needs. It’s come to tough love now; she has pushed everyone away and treats family like crap. I’ve told her I will only fly home to help her settle in the new assisted apt. She will be alone for Christmas with only hired help (strangers) 24/7 for the four days while my Brother will be away. (He needs to) We’re hoping that when we show her the bill for this she may get ‘it’. This has made my depression worse here in CA. I’ve tried to talk with Mom but she changes the subject or pretends to need to go to bathroom and will call back and never does. I have always been her favorite and she won’t even hear me now. I just want to cry. I have to step back from this as my sister and brother have done and let her sit in her own stew. I believe Dad can’t deal with her and wants us to finally settle matters here. My mind is all confused with how much is Mom’s mental problems and how much is the real women she has become over the years. It will be a very sad Christmas for me. I’ll try and let you know what happens after this ‘experiment’ with Mom.

Oh, David. It sounds like a mighty sad situation.  Don't be afraid to find someone to talk to about it - finding out the truth about your parents is a harsh blow and I don't blame you one bit for feeling like crying. Maybe you should. Clear your head a little.

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