My mother-in-law lives back east. She has anxiety problems and depression. She is 82 now , never goes to the doctor for anything, nor the dentist, hates being with people other than her immediate family and naturally, doesn't travel. She lives alone except for her daughter-in-law upstairs who is not much of a help. Lately, we have noticed that she is failing in memory, she is not as mobile as before and yes, she forgets to pay her bills. We have taken over that task for her and Thank God, her car has broken down now and despite her persistence, we have ignored her on getting it repaired.
We live out here in the Northwest and both of us have repeatedly invited her to come out and stay here with us. She flatly turns us down each time. We have considered renting a van and driving her out here because we know that she will die of a heart attack should we put her on a plane. And I hate to say this but even if we do somehow bring her out here , she may die sooner because she doesn't like to leave her comfort zone. I would like to think that we may be wrong on that but who knows?
As each day ebbs by, we know that she is getting worse and it kills us because there is nothing much we can do for her except visit her twice a year. She needs to be cared for much more than she is now and she needs to be around us, people just so that her Dementia will not set in so quickly. It already has. Her son has asked the services of the local Elderly Care agency to help her out two days a week but she has threatened to not let them in. Which believe me, she will do so. So, that was the end of that!
Is there help out there for her? Ideally, we would very much like her to be in our house. We just don't want to have her fall in her house one day, and she will have to end up in a nursing home back there. That would be terrible. Even if she is out here in a nursing home, that will be better than being all alone in the east coast.
Help~
cyy
Hi CYY,
You are in a tough situation and I can feel your pain. We moved my mother in law from out of state to live in our home 4 years ago, since her husband passed away. She is 88 and like yours, suffers from depression and high anxiety. We recently had to move my mother in law out of our home due to more frequent falls and the need for 24 hour caregiving. She is now in a residential home with 4 other seniors and they have 2 caregivers around the clock. You'll need to know what meds your mother in law takes and how involved is her doctor? Plus, she has to be open to receiving help or part time caregiving. Think very hard about taking her in or insisting she live with you...the past 4 years has been extremely difficult for us. I didn't mind giving her showers and cooking for her, but when you deal with a drepressed and anxious elder...it is very challenging!! Your priorities will change, you will give up privacy, it can be loud and disruptive at times...very stressful. Caregiving can be very time consuming and gets more difficult as they age and they do get frail quickly.
Try to have a serious heart to heart talk with her and let her know you are concerned with her safety and well being, plus you truly care about her. If her doctor recommends a different living arrangement, perhaps she will be more open. You need to know about her finances, what she has in the bank, what she gets monthly and etc. to determine your best options. It is not an easy road as you can tell from reading a lot of these discussions, but this is an imformative site. There are a lot of kind and caring caregivers out here, so this is your on line caregiving support group.
Best of luck to you!
Kona
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