Should I offer to take mom in?

My situation is not the same, but I would pose some questions with comments (of course...I have a big mouth) regardless:

Do you know exactly the extent of your Mother's needs?

You must know this. You must be a specific as you can depending on her medical needs now and in the future. Illness doesn't fit any given schedule. It will call when it wants and doesn't leave room for delays.

What exactly would your role be in her caregiving?

What exactly would your family's roles be?

Now is the time to discuss limits and agree to them or dismay will take residence along with your Mother

When should you/can you call in the troups? (assisted living, nursing home)

Expectations...everyone's.

How much are you willing to give up? Your spouse? Your mother?

Caregiving is serious business, and I know you've thought about that. Don't forget that some illnesses will change that person into someone you may not know...or who doesn't know you. There can be life affirming moments, moments ripe for the memory book. They can be sweet, nostalgic, and funny. But they can also be heart and bank breaking. Think long so that you and your family have few (if any) regrets.

Best of everything to you, let us know if you can.

I am in the same situation and came here to ask the same thing. In my situation, my mom is in a nursing home for rehab after a hospital stay. We were trying to get assisted living arranged for my mom and dad (in my state assisted living is covered (in some facilities) by the HCBS waiver if they spend down to qualify for Medicaid. But my dad died unexpectedly before we got assisted living set up and before she left the nursing home. She wants to live with me. She doesn't want to be in the nursing home and she is getting weaker since my dad's death a couple of weeks ago because she's not participating wholeheartedly in therapy due to her grief. When he died she was able to dress herself, go to the bathroom by herself, stand up by herself, walk with a walker, shower herself with a walk-in shower. Now she's needing help with all those things. Medicare and her supplemental insurance is paying for nursing home care right now and I think will pay for a good while (she has very good supplemental insurance).

I work at home but when I am working, I have to concentrate and I can't really be doing other things. When my kids were little I had to send them to daycare when I worked because I couldn't give them the proper attention/care when I was working. Mentally/emotionally I think she would be better off with me. Physically I think she will get weak if she is at my house and not getting therapy. Plus she will be on her own while I am working. I would have to take breaks to fix her meals, etc. I would need to help her bathe and we have a soaker tub with a shower, which would not be easy for her to get into for a shower. No way she could sit down in it because she'd never be able to get up. We would have to take out the tub and put in a walk-in shower.

I also plan to be in school full time (and work full time) next fall (2011) for two years. Between now and then I have two classes I need to take. I was going to take them this fall but put off enrolling because I didn't know what was going to happen with my mom. I wouldn't leave my mom to go to class because she might fall. So I am stuck between feeling like I should be there for my mom, and doing what I need to do for my own career/financial security/retirement. And if I bring her to my house and then she declines where I definitely can't take care of her, is it going to be harder on her going back to a facility?

MeanJeanne, have you thought about what would happen if your mom declined enough that you weren't able to leave her to go to class or work? I'm looking for answers like you, and that's what I am facing. My other family also thinks it would be too much for me physically (I'm small, only 5'1") if she got worse and I was needing to support her weight when she stands or try to lift her or even worse, try to keep her from falling. My dad did his best to take care of her so she wouldn't have to go to a nursing home.

Everyone has to do what their heart tells them to do. Now I know that often what our hearts are telling us stems from obligation, guilt or love...and sometimes our bank accounts. But in the end none of those secondary things matter, because you will have to live with the decision (financially, emotionally and physically) after they are gone. Saying that I still have to reiterate some things:

Illness knows no schedule.

Illness does not respond to pleas or anger.

Illness does not know if it's day or night, summer, winter, fall, or holidays. In the same breath, it doesn't know when you have a paper due or that you have an extremely important meeting in the morning.

Illness is unkind to everyone around it. And I mean everyone; the person hosting the illness, you, your family, your extended family, your neighbors and your co-workers. Mostly (if you're fortunate) people will be wonderful...but even they have their limits.

Illness has a sidekick...well two side kicks...stress and worry. They follow the same lack of rules as illness. For me, worry from afar (when they're in your home) was almost...no, not almost, IS worse than the worry in the same environment, which to me meant leaving work early, not able to concentrate in meetings, etc., etc., etc...

Think it through very carefully. Think from your standpoint and theirs and, please, think about your and your family's future. Then let your heart decide.

My thoughts are with you.

I'm facing, soon, the same question. I live several states from my mom, who just got divorced & lives alone. She's had many health problems over the summer.

My family (& many of her friends) have "hinted" (or just come out & said it) that that they think I should move her to my state (I'm an only child). BUT I have a part time job that is soon to go full time, a young son who needs LOTS of attention & has multiple after school activities, a husband who is NOT crazy about the idea of her moving in AND then there's the fact that she has NO friends out here so she'd be totally dependent on me for social outlets (she's VERY social) &, probably, for transportation since she won't drive in a new city.

Her insurance won't pay for a nursing home, she just sold a house & has too much money in the bank to qualify for any assisted living AND too little to pay for private assisted living where she is. :(

I feel VERY alone in my decision. I feel VERY guilty that I don't think I can do it & keep my family & job going.

Firstly, have you tried the Benefits Finder?

http://www.caring.com/calculators/benefits-check#

It's a really good tool to see what care is available given your mother's finances. Also, have you thought about senior living places? I know there's generally a long line, but that will depend on the state you are in. Since she lives alone now, she may fit into the continuing care variety of senior living; in other words, as her needs increase, so do the services available. Also, they usually supply tons of social outlets. Check for ones in your state, if you decide to bring her closer to you, as well as hers.

I think the 'Housing' section of this site may be able to offer some viable and affordable alternatives.

Do what you can do and let go of the guilt - I know, I know, easier said than done, but try!

I hope you find a great solution!

Of course! Make the offer. She's your MOTHER for goodness sakes. She may refuse, but at least you tried. It looks like it's time for a nursing home where she gets daily care. My brother was in an independent apartment, people came in, befriended him, stole him blind. He didn't/couldn't take care of the apartment or himself after about a year of living there. I would travel 500 mile round trip monthly to stock his freezer with tv dinners, cereal, milk, juice, etc. By the time we took him out, the place was filthy, crawling with roaches, etc. horrible! I brought him to our town, found an assisted living home, where he lived for 3 years before he needed full-time care in a nursing home. I could check on him regularly, take him to dr. appts. Good luck in whatever you do.

Saleswhz is right. MIL insisted on living on her own for a long time before we finally got her to move in with us. She's too well for a home and too sick to really be on her own. She COULD live on her own, but someone would have to be over there frequently to make sure she doesn't make poor health and personal decisions.

MIL is on Medipass and was Section 8 eligible. Over a period of two years, she lived in three different places. She'd move in, then she'd bring someone to live with her who befriended her and "just needed help." Inevitably, these people would get her kicked out, or get her in trouble, and we'd have to bail her out financially, and these people would be nowhere in sight. (She still thinks all those people were misunderstood saints.) We finally put her in a boarding house situation where she rented a room and bath from someone because she refused to live with us. We told her this was her last chance. We told the owner that if she starts crap, to call us. We got a few phone calls, and had to go and take care of stuff, because she was starting fights with the other roommates. We finally told her that because we couldn't move until a few months later, if she did not behave, she'd be homeless because we could not take her in until we got a bigger place.

Now she lives with us. Medipass won't pay for a home just yet, and she's proven she can't make good decisions on her own.

I would consider this option VERY carefully before you decide on being a caregiver.

In brief, my own situation was that I moved my mother in with us before she started declining; at the time, she was 83 and did not require the care she does today. I was not married yet, and had no children. It takes a very special person to want to start a new life with the mother-in-law as part of the deal. When children come, it can be especially taxing in so many ways -- not only for the parents, but for the elder as well.

My own decision for bringing my mother to live with me is a bit unique; she is my father's mother who, when no other options were available, raised me from about the age of 6 months old until finally adopting me at age 12. I felt that she, in her aging years (50s) had given up her rights to retire in order to raise yet another child, and that I could return the favor by taking her in.

It was fine when she didn't have dementia and the myriad of health issues she has today. It was also fine when there was not a marriage, nor a child involved. But you MUST consider how bring a loved one in will impact your existing family structure, and if that family structure or your lifestyle may change.

Consider her health needs; how she is now, and how she may need more advanced health care needs in the future.

Consider your own lifestyle; my husband and I both work and my mother is home alone all day. I also work at home 1 day a week, and because she is of a different generation, she does not understand the concept of 'WORKING at home' really deserves the same respect as working from an office. if you work, consider how she will get out of the house, who can see her in an emergency, what kind of transportation options she may have available (and the costs of that transportation). Also consider your options for gatherings, senior centers and getting to doctor's visits; who will take care of this?

Also consider one another's lifestyle. If you are not a neat person (whether by choice or work schedule) and your loved one is, this can cause strife -- do you have a backup plan for someone to come in and clean? Do you enjoy going out to dinner and a movie? If so, lay out the ground rules now so mom is aware and does not question this later down the line -- who will watch mom and/or kids, how often you will go out, what time will you return. Also, how will you take care of yourself, and make time for you alone? What outlets are available to give yourself time away from caregiving?

Remember, nursing homes are not the only answer; there is home health care, as well as assisted living. Consider these as well.

Consider how you will need to retrofit your house to meet her needs, and the costs involved. Examples might include grab bars, a walk-in shower, replacing hard-to-twist faucet fixtures, extra stairs for getting in/out of the main door, replacing broken stone on walkways/paths, or perhaps replacing carpet that ripples to prevent trips.

One last thing. You must speak together NOW before her health declines further about her wishes for other placement should it become too much. Will she allow to be moved to another facility? Do you have a health directive set up in the event she becomes incapacitated and/or can't make her own decisions? Do you have power of attorney to handle her financial matters when she cannot?

I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but I want to make you aware of the very real, very challenging decisions you will need to face on a daily basis.

kilbey1, your mention of them not understanding that working at home really means WORKING at home is a big part what I worry about. With my husband at work and my kids out of the nest, I usually work 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. now. I can work less, but I have plenty to keep me busy 12 hours a day. I know my mom wouldn't understand if I went in my office and shut the door other than coming out to fix meals for her. I'm afraid she'd be bored to death watching TV all day or trying to find something to fill the time, with no one else here to talk to. And I would feel guilty. She was here overnight a few weeks ago and I started work late because I needed to fix breakfast for her, give her her medications, make sure she got from the dining room to the bathroom and then to the living room in a recliner. I found a channel she wanted to watch. And then I went to my office to work but felt guilty leaving her alone to watch TV. Later stopped working and fixed her lunch and went back to work, but finally gave up. I felt bad having her sit alone in the living room and went and asked her if she wanted to get out for a while and we drove through Starbucks (her first latte - and she loved it!) and drove around for a while, looked at various assisted living places (their location/distance from my house, not inside).

And I also worry about other things you mention, like her declining even more. We have three steps from our porch and those are a challenge with her walker in good weather. In the winter, I don't see how I would get her out for appointments. She also has declined physically significantly in the last several weeks.

Following my 87 yr old mother in law's stroke she constantly talked of coming home. She is a widow & only has my husband & me in this area. To please her we closed up our home, made much needed changes to her home to accomodate her wheelchair, hospital bed, etc , brought her home & moved in with her. She hated everything we did from moving out excess furniture to having a w/c ramp built. She has always been a demanding, nasty person at times so the stroke just made things worse. Everyone from her lawyer, to her doctor, to her own family advised against us doing this but my husband, being an only child, wanted to please her. Nothing pleases her. Her money has run out because for years she spent it all on fortune tellers & miracle items to make her young again (we didn't know this until we went through her financial information - was always very secretive about her money). She did not plan for the future at all - didn't even have prescription drug coverage or long term care coverage. Fortunately we were able to get a rx drug card for her because her meds were running $800 per month. She has a long list of serious medical problems, had therapy until a few weeks ago & has completely stopped doing the exercises she was taught - she says they aren't necessary. We had an aide coming in 5 hours a day but due to her money situation we are no longer able to pay. The aide was canceled. We are retired & on a fixed income yet we are paying many of her bills. There is no appreciation for anything we do - just complaining that this house isn't her house anymore & wanting to go back to the nursing home. So that is the plan. It has been 5 months of hell for us. We finally realized that she will not be happy wherever she is. My husband has just been diagnosed with cancer & he is facing a difficult time ahead. If you are thinking of having a parent live with you, think long & hard about it. And LISTEN TO THE EXPERTS. They have seen these situations many times & know how things can turn out.

THANKS! All great advice - some VERY hard-earned. :(

I'll check into it. I already have Financial & Medical Power of Attorneys, so that's handled. PLEASE convince EVERYONE you know to get Long Term Care Insurance -- EARLIER the better (cheaper). My mom doesn't have it either & it's gonna be a PROBLEM!! :(

She, like a couple of you stated, also likes to "help" people & has spent much more of her VERY limited funds on others. Hard to convince her to be stingy & self-centered after all these years of giving. Sad that we even have to bring up the subject

I just have to trust that God will guide us in our decisions and, ESPECIALLY, with the aftermath of any bad ones. :) My best to you all!

Wow, blackdog, your situation echoes mine heavily.

To the original poster, please realize that sometimes, the person you love will not always be the person you knew. I recommend considering this fact, and making preparations for the eventual. I hear echoes of problems down the road in your post.

My own mother is 100% absorbed with scam contests she gets through the mail and on the phone. Due to her declining reasoning capabilities, she assumes she has already 'won' and enters 'pay to play' contests, or insists that wiring money out will give her needed fundage to pay for this or that (whether it be saving the Panama Canal from the Chinese, or kicking Obama out of the White House, or saving America, or getting us a new car...the list goes on and on). This has consumed her, and it is now all her life is about; she forgets to eat, and we no longer have the conversations we once had. From the moment I arrive home from work, she expects me to fill these scam contests out and write checks due to her declining eyesight. I am an enabler in a cycle that I started out doing these things because of my love for her, but it has grown beyond into something else. She doesn't care that we have to get the toddler to bed, or that it's 7 PM and time to make dinner. As much as I have tried to explain, she hates my family and I for trying to protect her, and views it as an personal insult to both her and attempts to sabotage America. I have watched her savings decline and now comandeer the mail whenever possible, offering to mail letters and simply ripping them up on the way to work. I feel horrible and deceitful doing this because she is, after all, my mother and I was raised to respect my parents. But she does not afford the same respect to my husband, and talks about him to me behind his back.

She told me just yesterday during one of her tirades that she really disliked me getting into my exercise clothes because they were 'too tight' and I was 'too old' to be wearing those type of clothes and jogging on the streets. (?) I am 39. She resents the time I take to exercise because it takes away from her. (At the same time, she's told me how proud she is of my having dropped 62 pounds -- talk about mixed messages)

She doesn't like the way we maintain our house. She has always been a bit snooty and is even more in her current mental state, as she nitpicks the way the bed is made, or the clutter in the kitchen -- and then indicates she won't help us pay for someone to help clean. She tells me one day she appreciates all the meals I cook for her, telling me just the other night how good my meal was, and the next day tells me that she hasn't had a decent meal in months and that we are starving her. When I suggested she move out into a place more suited for her, she called 911 and complained we were trying to kick her out -- this was not normal behavior for her even 3 years ago.

She doesn't want to pay for someone to come in and care for her because it's 'too expensive' but resents when we don't have, or make, time for her. Having an aide come in is not something we can afford on our own. If you were not aware, an aide can easily cost $10 an hour and alot of these have a minimum of 4 hours, with at least 1 day a week. An adult day care can run at least $70 a day for a full day.

So before I let this get TOO focused on me, I bring these real life moments to your attention -- not to scare you, but to make you aware. These are all things that I wished I had known before I jumped in and 'let my heart decide'. Yes, I love my mother. Yes, I hate to see her this way. Yes, I realize this is not any of her fault and we will ALL be old one day. But there comes a time when you MUST weigh doing what your heart wants over doing what is BEST for everyone. I took my mother in because I thought it was the 'right' thing to do, and like blackdog's husband, to please her. Your family must come first; YOU must come first, or you will be no good to anyone. The oxygen mask in an airplane is a good analogy here -- if you don't put the oxygen mask on yourself first, you may end up passing out before you can help anyone else. I can't count the days when I've alternately raged or been in tears, my hands shook, or my work has suffered.

For many, it will not be the challenging situation that others have stated, and you can make things work. But if it doesn't, how will you prepare yourself? You must decide for yourself what you can handle (and for how long -- my own situation is going on 10 years, the first 4 years fine) and weigh it against the outlets you have, because I guarantee there will be challenges, and you can prepare yourself by being informed. If you have Lifeworks through your job, call them today, or talk to your doctor who can either help you or refer you.

IDoCare, also...look into pre-paid funeral arrangements. My mother had a term life insurance and she cancelled it; not sure if we can get the money from the policy, we are looking into it now. It was a $3500 policy that she'd paid $5000 into before she decided to cancel. IF we have lost it -- again, still investigating -- we wil be slapped with a bill for funeral expenses when she is gone.

I would HIGHLY recommend you take a trip to the local funeral home now (yours or hers) and set up a pre-payment plan. Ask about paying off this plan in installments so you will be prepared and have this eventual expense taken care of.

Thanks, kilbey -- good advice. Will do.

My mom is going home today from the hospital to an empty apartment to sit alone. She struggles with depression. When her meds are "right" she's GREAT - energetic, helpful, positive. When she has the least "dip" she sinks fast.

I have battled with myself for YEARS & I have already decided that I CAN'T bring her to live with us -- it's NOT an option. She has a history of attempted suicides and I WILL NOT put my son through that -- having witnessed it at 14 myself (and several times since). I will fiercely protect my husband & son from seeing her like that. I have come to grips with the family & friends who will put me down for this decision calling me selfish & pointing out "what all she's done for me" -- and, sadly, I've some to understand that it may be the way she "goes out". BUT I'll do all I can to help her short of moving her in or using our limited funds to support her.

The symptoms (forgetfulness, being susceptible to be taken advantage of, irritableness) are classic for a deteriorating mental status; they are also the same my Mom showed about 5 years before she got so bad that she HAD to move. It won't get better! In fact, if you were there every day, you might notice they are worst than appears & she is trying to hide the extent of her decline by "managing". Plus, you cannot pre-determine how things will develop; either for her, or regarding your own involvement. So I would put things in-place now, while she is still able to make reasonalbe decisions on her own, to make it easier to either care for her or oversee her care when it becomes necessary.

First I would make sure she has her affairs in order:
You or someone needs to be named her Durable Power of Attorney. (And if she chooses someone other than you, I would turn this whole thing over to him/her regardless of the fact that she is your Mom, but make her understand that this is what will happen if she chooses someone else). Make sure she has a Will & also a Living Will. And finally, if she comes to your place, she needs to sign some sort of Agreement For Personal Care. If would be best to do this, with her, in front of a laywer who can hear her wishes her/himself in case there are any "questions" about it later. Try to find a lawyer who specializes in elder-law in the state she will be living in.

If you can afford it & she is willing; move her closer. Believe me, it will be easier for her to adjust & make some friends now than if whe waits until her choices are more limited.

It will also be easier for you. By the time my Mom had declined to the point she wasn't taking good care of herself, I was getting 3 & 4 calls a week from neighbors & friends I didn't know, social workers & medical workers I'd never heard of and relatives I'd hadn't heard from in decades! I did hire a personal care-giver to come daily, but then I started hearing all kinds of complaints from my Mom... You can't oversee things from a distance unless she is in a total-care home; AND you are willing to disregard the (inevitable) complaints you will get from your Mom.

If you can afford to buy or remodel, try for a place that is semi-private, like a little attached apartment or "suite" of her own that she can live independantly so she (& you and your family!) can have as much privacy as possible.

Three years after I wrote my Mom (I called AND wrote; so she would have time to think about it & so that, with it written out in front of her, she would "forget" what I said)a letter with the options of either moving into a nursing home or moving out to my place--I made it clear it was a permanent move & she wouldn't be going back--we are doing fairly well. She chose my place. She lives in a tiny (effeciency-type) apartment that I had put at one end of my house. I "visit" every day & bring her a cooked meal, do her laundry, "help" keep her place clean & tidy and generally keep things running smoothly. She is able to cook & do much of her own personal care (I installed a accessable stove & accessorized the little bathroom). I can be gone (vacations?!?) for a few days by hiring a personal care assistant.

I sometimes wonder where this is all going (she will be 100 this month), but if she gets further disabled & needs to have a special bed or more assistive equiptment, I can put it in "her place" without disrupting my own house. And I can take the guess-work out of her care by overseeing any help that I hire personally.

Don't wait--the sooner you do it, the better it will be for you both.

I was in a similar situation last fall, and my mother did come to live with my husband and me. She was living alone, in the middle stages of Alzheimer's disease, and finally decided she couldn't do it any more. We were her best option - she didn't really think about assisted living or a facility and we didn't really know what she needed. I'm glad we've done it, because she truly needed people around her. I work full time, but fortunately my Mom has resources to pay for home care, which I can supervise.

The hardest part is having time as a couple. We are about to start having Mom stay a weekend a month at a family type home for adults so we can have some down time.

In the future, if she needs to go to a facility, we are in a better position to see that she gets what she needs.

The first few months were rough, but I think it was worth it for me to feel I'm doing the best I can for her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you make this difficult decision!

Boy, can I relate. I was my husband's caregiver during the last 8 years of his life. one caution: NOTHING IS EASY. Especially if the person is not a good patient. When he died I felt relief rather than grief. Now life has a way of changing quite rapidly. Although I was quite happy in my condo my health was deteriorating (I have COPD). My kids, especially my daughter, thought it best that I not live alone.
Daughter's home is 3/4 empty nest with last child leaving home next year for the military. So she put in a walk-in shower for me and installed a chair lift since my room was upstairs. Seemed great, and it is financially since I am on a reuced income. However since moving my health has improved dramatically. I no longer need the chair lift except occasionally. We think the condo was probably riddled with mold which was affecting my health. BUT, BUT, BUT: now I am saddled with living here. I really hate it. My daughtr is a doll, areal sweet loving woman so it is not her fault, it is mine. I hate living upstairs. I hate sharing a bathwoom with my grandson (he'll be gone next summer). Ihate having to go up and down the stairs all the time for any and all things. I dont like the kind of food my daughter has (when she has it) because of her allergies. I dont like living 25 miles from my old neighborhood and other memebers of my family. My precious daughter respects my privacy to the ridiculous. In other words I'm unhappy. My Dr.says I have depression and wants to put me on medication for it. Maybe so. That's probably part of my unhappiness. I have no choice because at 88 I am very active but I wont be forever. I am realistic so I cope.

I am an only child and moved to Arizona from Iowa. My father died in 1981. My mother was one who never wanted to live alone. She sold her home and bought one that we could "share" and modify so we would have "separate" living quarters. At that time I was a freshly divorced young mother of 2 babies. It sounded like the perfect arrangement. It wasn't. We sold the house and I moved to Arizona and mom moved in with her sister. She came out to "winter" and help out with the kids. In the spring she would go back to her friends and family in Iowa. Her twin sister whom she was living with decided to sell her home 3 years ago. She cried and said she felt like she had no where to go.Her twin sister moved into a retirement home in a small town in Iowa close to her family and mom didn't want to go there with her. I offered to let her move in with my husband, daughter and I. This was 3 years ago. I have to agree that EVERYTHING must be thought out and planned carefully before making this type of decision. I expressed my concern to my mother about her moving away from her home, family and friends. Not to mention her health care providers that she trusted. She has had some personality and behavior changes that have had a major impact on my marriage and my relationship with my daughter. She is becoming suspicious, accusatory,and many times very insensitive. She is particulary confused about money issues. She is having trouble keeping track of her bank balances, credit card statements, etc. She has no social outlets, no hobbies, no friends and depends on me solely. As much as I love her and care about her, this is more difficult than I ever imagined! My whole life is centered on trying to care for her and keep her happy. She keeps track of everywhere I go and everything I do and expects me to be there every moment that I am not working. I feel bad for her and I feel bad for myself and my family. She will not allow us to take a vacation and leave her and wants no part of going with us. I have tried so many times to get her to agree to becoming involved at the senior center because it is less than a mile from my home. She wants nothing to do with it. She literally sits and just waits for me to come home from work. Additionally, she recently fell. Now, I am worried about leaving her alone even when I work since she is unsteady. We were very short-sighted and unprepared for these situations. She does not qualify for state assistance and yet we are not able to afford to have help in the home. Even for an aide to come in to stay with her would cost close to 20$ per hour. I work 2 jobs and it leaves me limited time to spend with her. The uncertainty of what the future holds and the impact on my family is overwhelming. I want so much to provide her with the comforts of being at home with our family but, can advise you that you need to go into this with careful preparation for what the future could hold. I love my mother so very much and feel guilty that I wish that we would have made other choices about this arrangement. This is not only for the happiness of my family but, also for my mother who has no life outside of us.

Hi - You have received a lot of great advice already, and not sure I can add a whole lot. But regardless of how well your mother receives the invitation to live with you, if she does, expect there to be days she wants to move back - immediately. Expect her to possibly go thru a bit of depression, especially if she feels removed from friends and everything she has known, and if she can't or won't get out to socialize with others. Expect her to become extremely dependent upon you. She will possibly follow you around the house while you are trying to clean or just do everyday stuff, and expect that you will not have the concentrated time to work on your computer or studies or whatever you need to do - she will likely become more like a child who needs your attention and doesn't understand your needs. Expect some anger (on everyone's part), expect a good deal of guilt (on your part), and expect that you will have to create "workarounds" to get things done such as trips to the grocery, handling laundry, etc. It will also put stresses on your relationship with your husband. Everyone will have to adjust in ways they don't often anticipate. You'll want and hope that your mother will be happy, but she may not be. You have to remember that she is far better off with you than in some care facility, even tho she may not always be happy in her situation. She may feel she is a burden and may wring her hands over the problems she has caused you, yet not realize how it affects you to hear that. She may become focused or fixed on one or two things and not be reasonable. I am not trying to be negative, but just pointing out that these things are likely to happen and you need to be mentally prepared. If they don't - great. If they do - it can add more stress and exhaustion to your day. So if YOU need a "happy pill" to help you thru (I did), talk to your doctor. My mother lives with me, and I am very happy to have her, but it is a challenge, and as someone else said - do not expect things to improve. Best wishes.

Hi Polly, Why don't you just ask your Mom. I would be concerned about people coming over to her place trying to sell her things. I would be furious if that was my Mom. I lived with my daughter for a while and sometimes though the children like to become the parent and treat the parent like the child. See what your Mom wants first. Then take it from there.

I hate to be the "awful daughter" here, but have been on both sides. I'm the consumate care giver (formerly a nurse), so everyone expects that of me. I was the main caretaker for my mother-in-law, who was eccentric and mean, until I laid down the ground rules. After I was honest with her and told her I was pretty sensitive and she was really hurting my feelings, we had a much better relationship that grew and grew. I believe that she really didn't ever realize this. By the time she died, I was devastated. I had been visiting her almost daily in her assisted living apartment, was doing a lot of care giving and we so enjoyed our final time together. She was 92 and slipping mentally when she died, but appreciated all that we could do for her. I miss her terribly. On the other hand, I had cared for and watched over my own Mother for over 30 years. She was widowed young and we moved her to our town and finally to a little house next door to us. Like many of your parents mentioned, she was never happy and no one could ever please her, even when she knew she had it made - compared to her sisters and her friends. I have 3 siblings who rarely helped, as my Mom had been so emotionally abusive to all of us. My husband couldn't fathom that and wanted to care for my Mother. He was so good to her. One day when she was especially mean to me and had told all of her friends that my husband and I were getting a divorce (no basis, out of the blue - just hateful), I did a real personal soul search. I realized I was almost 60 years old and had never pleased her once in my life and that was getting worse. I had sacrificed a lot for her and tried to do the "right" thing - she was my Mother. She was 91 and had a family history of living past 100. My marriage and personal mental health were really suffering. So I sat down and wrote my siblings in distant cities a letter telling them that I could no longer be responsible for my Mom. My oldest brother immediately came (guilt?) and made arrangements to move her to assisted living, which she thought she couldn't afford. He put all of her home expenses on paper and showed her it would be cheaper. He told her he was selling her car, because she might need the money for living (and shouldn't be driving - but many of you are familar with that whole scene.) He told her that with the money from the car, he would help her hire drivers or take cabs everywhere, so she wouldn't be stuck in her apt. Long story short, I had to break completely with her. She lives in my town but my siblings are in charge of everything about her. They know that eventually she might be somewhere near them or they would come here for a little while at the end. How long can you live when you're 92? I realized that I could easily die before her from all of the misery and stress she was causing in my life and I would NEVER have any peace. My marriage is back on track, I've shed the guilt and feel 150% better. I basically had to pretend that she had died, which sounds awful. I haven't seen or talked to her for a whole year. Occassionally I get messages on my phone that I "HAVE to do this or that for her" and I just email my siblings and relay the message. I'm sharing this in the hopes that someone in my situation can gain from my experience. My good friends and adult children completely understand, as they never understood how she could treat me like that - She was never nice to them either! And everyone says the change in me makes them feel better too because they felt so powerless! I realize not everyone has 3 siblings to call on, but I have to tell you they never ever helped me and now have a totally new perspective on what I was going through and have picked up the slack. Luckily at assisted living, they can add on services until she can't be there anymore. Then if there's a problem, they know I won't have anything to do with it. PS I really really miss my Mother in Law and even all the time I spent with her - proving blood relatives often have nothing to do with all of this confusion. We also got long term care insurance that includes paying our children IF they CHOOSE to be our care givers, as that's usually how it goes. They were very appreciative of that after seeing the Grandmas decline. It won't solve everything, but anything I can do to ease their burdens later in my life, I will try. It's so hard. It is very complicated. I feel for everyone of you and every situation is unique. We can only really share support, suggestions, empathy and hugs and the internet really helps - one of the good things about it. wishing all of you hugs and a better day tomorrow!

Hsue -- feel your pain -- have a grandmother much like that.

I can't help but wonder, though, if you won't be sorry after she dies that you had NO contact with her. Is there really no chance that you can drop in even once a month or so?

My grandmother is & always has been a "Negative Nelly". She basically drove the whole family away from her long before she had to go to a nursing home. Now I visit only once or twice a year (when I go home to see my mom) & it's much better -- at this stage she doesn't really remember who I am sometimes which is nice because she always talks to "strangers" nicely. AND she LOVES my son (her great-grandson) & somehow always remembers him well.

I understand your decision to break with her, but hope you've soul searched -- forever is a long time to feel remorse. But, if the wounds are THAT deep, it's best that you stay away.

Love & prayers, d

Hello Meanjeanne,

Have you considered suggesting your mother move to a 'retirement village' near you, and listed the positives? If you are working and studying, she may be better served to live in a community where she can have friends (and staff) popping in on her. Also, if you take her into her home as an Alzheimers sufferer, in my experience each time routine changes, our loved one's seem not to get back to their pre-change condition. That is, the less you move your mum perhaps the better? In addition, you may need to speak to her doctor in order for HIM to advise that she hand over Power of Attorney to you (and your sister?) This is usual in Australia as soon as a sufferer is diagnosed with Alzheimers. It is important that your mother do so before she might experience feelings of mistrust. Alzheimers sufferers are at the mercy of opportunists thus you must not feel hesitation in suggesting such a thing. It appears she quite enjoys village life, therefore it may not be difficult to reason with her to have her move closer to you so that you can spend more time with her. My recommendation would be a self-care apartment with future options of hostel and nursing home, if such a facility is available. Also, if your Mum has only ever lived in NY, perhaps you could further encourage her with the promise of little trips around your area to show her about? Personally, I'd be letting her know that I miss her :) I wish you all well.

I deliberately did not read the previous "helps". I am certain there are many good suggestions. I do believe, after haveing been moved from her own home once, the kinship to "home" has already been broken. In a strange place, now, what diff would your location make? I do not think that mom residing in your home is the answer. As Mr. and Mrs., you have much in your lives with which to tend. You risk your happy existance. Mom, in a care facility near by, with you visiting and looking after her will be difficult enough without the burden of mom under your roof. As a mom, in her right mind, I would not want to put my kids through such. Your mother is blessed to have a duaughter "willing" to put her family through a possible ordeal ~ it is so obvious, you love your mom. God be with all ~